Stepping Aside So My Husband Can Be a Dad

This post is a last of a trilogy of posts dedicated to dads in honor of Father's Day, June 20th. Happy Father's Day to all you dedicated dads!

When my first daughter was born, my husband wanted nothing more than to be a great dad. From day one he was committed to getting up in the middle of the night to help change diapers and hand the baby to me to feed. Then he would get up in the morning and drag himself to work only to come home nine hours later to change another diaper, help get something resembling dinner together and crawl into bed to begin the routine all over again. But he did it every night, never thinking his job was more important than mine. Committing to be exhausted. Committing to be involved.

Day by day I was bonding more and more with my baby. But day by day my husband felt more and more detached from not only the baby but from me. He felt discouraged. This is not how he imagined it. Where was his connection to his daughter? Was this to be his role? Just the provider? The occasional assistant?

And then one day I had a workshop I had to teach and was gone for over six hours. It was the longest my husband had spent alone with the baby. Just him and her. She cried. She didn't want to drink from a bottle. It was stressful. It was hard. Yet it was the best thing that could have happened to both of them.

You see, up until that day, I was the primary caretaker of our daughter. Because I spent most of the time with her during the day, I had discovered all the tricks for calming her down. I knew which blanket she liked best. I knew her favorite way to be held. And my daughter knew I knew this, so of course she wanted me over anyone else. When the job was simple, like changing a diaper, I let my husband step in. But if she was crying, I would take her. If she was tired, I got her to sleep. If she was fussy, I figured out why. Without intending to, I was making it hard for my husband to bond with his baby because I wasn't allowing him to be a primary caretaker in her life.

But on that particular day, I wasn't around. My husband had to figure out his daughter on his own. He had to become the caretaker. And he did. When I came home, he had gotten her to fall asleep. He had learned ways of soothing her. He had found a position to hold her in that she seemed to like. He had discovered some of his own tricks.

And you know what? Almost all of his tricks were not my tricks. He actually had ways of interacting with her that were different from what worked for me. To be honest, this bothered me. I'm sure I even said more than once, "That's not how you do it. Here let me do it..."

But I needed to make a decision. I could either do all of the parenting myself or have a partner in parenting. If I chose the former, everything would be done my way, but my kids would be robbed of the chance to have a deep bonded relationship with their father. I would most surely work myself into exhaustion doing all the important parenting myself. Perhaps, I would develop resentment toward my kids, and probably toward my husband, for this life burden I put on myself. This is not rare. I work with families all the time where this has become the case.

On the other hand, choosing the latter would mean equally sharing the parenting responsibilities and have a untied front with our kids. But it would also mean letting go. It would mean that things might not always look exactly the way I want them too. It would mean sometimes letting the baby cry while my husband figured it out. It would mean not being the first to rush in and address a problem with the kids. It would mean accepting that my way is not always the best way, or at least not the only way.

I chose the latter.

Today, all three of my kids have an amazing relationship with their dad. My husband does everything he can to be with his family as much as possible because he wants to, not because he feels obligated to. The kids adore and respect him. He would do anything for his kids. They are SUPER bonded. More importantly, the kids view him and I equally knowing that we both have the same authority when it comes to parenting.

It was, and continues to be, so worth it for me to have made this choice. The added bonus? I was able to see a side of my husband I would have never seen otherwise. And this has allowed me to fall deeper in love with him.

The Importance of Dads - A letter to fathers

Dear Dads,

You are so important in your child's life!

I am sad that there is a belief out there that you are only good for working hard and "providing" for your family. I'm sad that you may have been lead to believe that you could never be as good at parenting your children as their mother and certainly not as nurturing. I'm sad that many women believe this. Because it flat out isn't true.

Research proves that you are so important. Kids who have dads that are hands-on involved in their lives have higher self-esteem, do better in school, and are socially more adjusted than kids whose fathers leave the majority of the child care to the mom. This is because you bring to the table qualities that most women don't. Not because you're better but because you're different, and kids need what you both have to offer.

A girl's sense of beauty and self-worth is largely influenced by you. When you are involved in your daughter's life, letting her know that she is precious and beautiful in your eyes, she is more likely to be confident in who she is and less likely to go seeking love and fulfillment in other ways and from other people. She learns what type of man to marry someday. She learns how men should treat her. What a great gift you can give to her!

Your son will learn from you what it means to be a man in this world. He'll learn how to treat women. He'll learn how to treat other people. He'll learn how to be a dad. Little boys want to be just like their dads. You have so much to teach them and an opportunity like none other to make a difference in this little life, and I believe that difference makes a difference in this world.

Moms need dads. It is difficult to raise children on your own. Some moms falsely believe that only they know best. Some even send the message that dads could never care for their kids as well as they can. But when dads work as a team with mom, family magic happens.

As a mom whose husband is deeply involved in my kids' life, I can't tell you how much deeper in love I am with him because of the great relationship he has with my kids. I can't begin to tell you how much it means to me to know that I have a partner in raising my kids. And I know that my kids are as great as they are because they get from my husband qualities and knowledge that I can't give to them. I feel so blessed to have an amazing husband who is an amazing dad!

Maybe you didn't have a great dad when you were a kid. Maybe you don't know what it looks like to be an involved, caring, nurturing parent. Maybe you only know how to be the "bad guy" or how to only be the "playmate". Most likely this is because that is what you were taught. It's not because that's how it has to be. You can learn to be so much more and it's so worth it!

But maybe you are one of those dads that is involved. You do parent your kids with love and grace and patience. You work as a united front with your child's mother. You take your responsibility as a dad to heart and see it as one of the most important jobs of your life. I want you to know that you are valued! Thank you for being the example to other fathers for what is possible. My hope is that what you contribute to your family doesn't get taken for granted and that you enjoy the thrill of raising your kids. Children bring so much joy to our lives!

Perhaps you've heard this all before. I'm sorry if this is the first time. Either way, you need to hear this. And you need to hear it again and again and again.

Blessings to you, Dads.

Tara

Bedtime With Daddy

It's 8:15. The kids have their jammies on. Teeth are brushed.

Two happy kids skip up to me. "Good night, Mom."

I get a kiss and a hug from each.

The kids turn away and begin their climb up the stairs calling behind them, "Come on, Dad!"

This is my husband's cue. He gets up and begins his own climb up the stairs to meet my son and daughter who by now are snuggled up in our bed with their Harry Potter book. Within moments I hear the gentle male voice reading, picking up where they left Harry last night.

It's 8:30. As I sit on the couch nursing the baby, I hear the familiar groans and the routine, "No, don't stop there, Dad!" Followed by the sound of my husband saying, "We'll find out more tomorrow. Time for bed."

Three pairs of feet are heard landing on the floor and hurrying down the hallway to the room the kids share. I hear my daughter climbing the ladder to the top bunk and my son's giggles as he hides under his big comforter.

And then it's suddenly quiet. I don't hear the sounds, but I know what is happening. Daddy is praying with each of them. First they pray, and then he does. A sacred moment.

It's 8:35. The finale of the bedtime routine is approaching.

"Good night, guys." Dad turns off the light and begins walking out of the room.

Two voices in unison sing out, "Good night, Dad! I love you!"

"I love you, too. Now go to sleep."

It's exactly the same every night, this special time with Dad. A bonding time between the kids and my husband.

Twenty minutes every night. Bedtime with Daddy. Memories, bonding and love that will last a lifetime.

Children Who Serve

One of the qualities I hope my children have is a love and compassion for other people. In fact, if I had to pick one characteristic above all others that I desire for my kids, it would be this one.

There are many things I try to intentionally do with my kids to help teach them the importance of caring and loving others. Service is one of these things.

Serving others is a very practical way of teaching kids how to love others. It takes them beyond the philosophical and abstract discussions of "we need to love and care for others" and goes to the concrete of "here's how you do it". Further, studies show that children who are involved in service are more likely to be involved in serving opportunities when they become adults.

Summer is a great time of year to look into service opportunities to do with your kids. There are community gardens and neighborhood clean up opportunities that are family friendly. Even preschoolers can pick weeds and pick up trash. Check out Idealist.org for a list of family volunteer opportunities in your area or check in with you local church for projects to get involved in. Personally, my kids are excited to participate in the ten thousand nets campaign this summer. They have set a goal of buying five nets. As a family we have been planning together ways to help them achieve their goal this summer.

But teaching your kids how to serve others involves more than just participating in a community service project once or twice a year. Serving others needs to be an expectation in their daily lives. Therefore, encourage your kids to assist you with chores around the house without them expecting to get something in return. Ask them to help their sibling put away the toys even though they didn't help make the mess. Create an expectation in your home that serving one another in your family is just as important as serving people outside of the family.

One more thing. It's easy as a parent to feel like your whole parenting life is about service. Still, serving others is often about going beyond what is expected of us. As parents, it's important to lead the way in serving others and this means our children and spouse. Modeling this can be in the simple things like offering to take over one of your kid's chores "just because" or helping them finish a job so they can get to their birthday party on time. It's pointing out how Dad served the kids today by getting up early to make them their favorite breakfast or how Mom did the dishes for Dad because he wasn't feeling well. It's OK to point out to your kids the specific examples of service you and your spouse do for each other and for your kids. This helps your kids learn what service looks like and how they can do it for others as well.

If serving each other in your family is something that has not been a high priority in your family, here's some ideas for introducing the concept or increasing the awareness in fun and easy ways.

1. Secret Servant - Each family member draws the name of another. They will be the secret servant of the name they drew. Before hand, discuss with your kids ways they could serve each family member should they draw their name. If you have children under five, try doing this for one day. Consider having a family Secret Servant day once a week, Sundays for example. Draw the names at breakfast and reveal who everyone served that day at dinner. Decide as a family if you'd like to do a longer stretch of time if you have older children.


2. Honored Family Member - Each week choose a family member that the rest of the family is going to focus on serving for the week. Once the honored member is chosen, discuss ways that person could be served throughout the week and divide tasks among each other.
   
3. The Giving Tree - Read the book "The Giving Tree" by Shel Silverstein. Create or buy a small "giving tree" to place on your table. During dinner, have a time where each member can say how they felt served by another family member. Using pieces of string, tie a bow on the tree for each act of service recognized. Enjoy watching your tree get filled up with the representations of your family's acts of service.

Making serving others, including serving each other in your family, a priority will help your child learn practical ways of caring for and loving someone else. Laying this foundation early in life will help increase the odds that he will be someone who actively cares for others as an adult. You will probably also discover that your family becomes transformed as you actively love and care for each other more intentionally.

Please share with us the ways your family serves in your community as well as each other. More ideas are always helpful!

Treating Kids the Way You Want to be Treated

Today I was reminded what it feels like to be a kid, particularly what it feels like to be parented without consistency. I got to feel how it feels to randomly have a rule that had really never been enforced before suddenly be enforced with a huge consequence and to receive that consequence with no warning that a consequence was going to be issued if the rule was broken. I felt the desire to then want to protest and argue the unfairness of the random enforcement of the rule. I was reminded how it feels to not understand the rule in the first place, feeling like it was a stupid rule to begin with. I was reminded of the feeling of resentment and anger toward those in authority who, from my perspective, didn't care at all about my side of the story, totally giving the "a rule's a rule because I said so" stance, and "I'm in charge and you're not," so there! I remembered what it's like to be a kid sometimes and it was a good reminder.

Today I got a parking ticket. Even as I type that, I am still so angry about it.


Here's my side of the story:

Due to the distance of my children's school, I have to drive them to school everyday. My son is in ECE and the school requires that parents come inside the school to sign preschoolers in an out. So, every morning, I have to park the car and haul both kids and the baby into the school.

The school is a neighborhood school built in the 1950's. It wasn't designed to have tons of traffic in front of it dropping off kids. But the school is a great school and one of the few IB elementary schools in Denver, so many families have used the Denver School Choice program to send their kids to this school. As a result, every morning there is a lot of traffic.

To add to this, this year they added more buses delivering students to this school. Unfortunately, they use full-size buses to deliver a handful of children. These buses need a lot of room. So they put up signs this year that practically reserved the entire front side of the school for bus parking. However, thisis also the side where you pick up and drop off your kids, .

School starts at 9:00. The buses are long gone by 8:45 and by 9:50 or 9:55 when I arrive to drop off my kids there is just one long empty sidewalk inviting me to park my car beside in order to deliver my preschooler and 1st-grader into the school entrance. Everyday since the first day of school, this has been where we've parked, along with most of the other parents of ECE'ers. There has never been an issue parking here as long as the buses are gone.

If you follow me on Facebook, you may have notice my brief rant I posted about a week-and-a-half ago (I'm sure it's still there on my wall if you're interested). On that day, there was a parking enforcer standing on the empty side of the street telling us all we could not park there and directing us to park across the street. I followed the directions but did not understand why this was suddenly being enforced. It upset me that I had to take my three kids across the busy street instead of being able to take them out on the safer "school side" where there were no buses and plenty of safe parking space. It seemed ridiculous, and bureaucratic, and like someone just had too much time on their hands.

The next day, parking guy was not there redirecting the cars. Nor was he there the rest of the week or Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday of this week. And so, with no buses in site, the safety of my kids in mind, and the convenience of being in front of the school near the entrance I, along with most of the other parents, went back to parking in front of the school as we had done before. And for the past week-and-a-half, there were no consequences for doing so, just like there hadn't been the entire school year.

Until today. Today I came back out to my car after having dropped off my kids to find a man writing me out a ticket.

While it's true there are signs posted saying, "bus loading zone," and technically I was parked where I shouldn't have parked since I don't drive a school bus, and so he was legally justified in giving me a parking ticket, I was still struck by the thoughts and feelings that went through my mind.

Instead of taking ownership of my behavior I started to criticize in my mind the law enforcement and the school who most likely called in the law enforcement. I was angry at them for suddenly punishing me out of the blue without warning that such punishments were going to now be issued. I felt like I was being treated unfairly. I was frustrated that there was no room for discussion about what was fair for all parties. I felt bullied by the ticketing officer who arrogantly handed me my ticket and told me to start reading the signs, "that are posted everywhere." It was infuriating how condescending it all was, how arbitrary, and how...stupid!

I looked at my ticket and saw I had 20 days to pay it. The first thought that came through my head was, "They're not getting my money until day 20, that's for sure." It was me against them. I even wondered if I was going to park on the other side of the street everyday from now on, or only when I saw the parking police out giving tickets (now that I'm a bit more clear-headed on the issue, I will park on the other side, but still not calm enough to think I won't do it begrudgingly).


My intention is not to undermine authority or bash law enforcement. There is another side to this story and I am sure reasons behind what they decided to do today.

I share this story with you to focus on the similarities to a child's perspective when parents enforce rules randomly and arbitrarily. How frustrated they feel when consequences are given out without warning! When parents become a dictatorship and don't offer opportunities to understand the child's point of view, don't leave room for grace or compromise, and don't set realistic and fair rules with logical consequences, they are resentful and angry at their parents, not taking ownership for their mistakes. As a result, they're not focused on how to do it differently next time. Instead, they are focused on how to accept as little of the consequence as possible and maybe how they can "get back" by purposely looking for loopholes to get away with the behavior again in the future. The parent/child relationship becomes an "us" versus "them."

Experiences like this are helpful reminders when it comes to parenting. It helps us to remember to treat our kids the way we would like to be treated in similar situations. While my experience today was irritating to say the least, I can take it and use it to be a better parent when implementing and enforcing rules in my own home. And I guess that's worth the value of the ticket.

My Three Kids Aren't a Handful

Samantha was on my hip with a big smile. Nathanael and Isabella had happily skipped away, each with a penny in their hand to go ride the horse. I stood at the checkout pleased with how quickly this trip to the grocery store went preparing to swipe my credit card for payment.

And then the checkout man made "the comment".

"Wow! You sure have your hands full."

This is just one of the many versions of this type of comment that people offer to parents, especially those of us with more than one child. The comments range from "Bless your heart for taking care of three kids, " to "You are so brave to take all your kiddos out," to "Three kids! Wow! One is plenty for me!"

I'm not sure who decided way back when that comments like these were like the secret handshake amongst adults. For me, comments like these fall into the same category as "people who feel like they can touch your tummy when you're pregnant"and "people who grab your baby's hands or face in effort to make baby interact with them." Absolutely annoying!

I guess it annoys me so much because I don't view my kids as a handful. I don't think for a moment that I'm some super hero for raising three kids (there are plenty of parents out there who have way more children to care for than I do), and I actually love having more than one child. In fact, I think having more than one child is easier and more fun in many ways than just having one.

Sure, there are moments in time when three is overwhelming. But for me, these are exceptions and not the general rule of life with three kids.

More importantly, I hate that my kids keep hearing these comments from adults. I've got to think at some point they've got to wonder whether adults really think that kids are such a life burden. It is for this reason that I am always quick to respond to such comments with a, "Nah, my kids are great," or "The two older ones are actually 'big helps' and are great to their little sister" or "I love having more than one!" I make sure my kids hear my response as often as possible. Even when they aren't around, I still respond positively about my kids. What I say about them when they can't hear me is just as important as what I say when they can.

People are usually surprised by my comeback I think because I'm supposed to seem grateful that they are being sympathetic to the assumed plight of a mom with multiple children. And I think I may offend them that I'm not participating correctly in this social exchange that is supposed to be accepted. But I want them to know that my kids are not a handful. They are really great kids with great hearts. They are good listeners and super helpful and generally really easy to go just about anywhere with. And I am so proud to be their mom!

So, please, stop the sympathetic comments. If you're a parent, don't play into this terrible exchange that occurs among adults. Join with me in letting others know that these comments are no longer the secret handshake amongst parents. Let's stand up for our kids and let the world know they are not a burden. Let's let the world know that having more than one child is a blessing, not a curse.

Maybe we can even start a new secret exchange. Maybe something like, "Three kids? Wow! How awesome!" A wink and a hive five would be fun, too!

Are Kids Allowed to Get Angry?

Are kids allowed to get angry?

It may seem like a silly question at face value. I would guess that most of us would answer, "of course" to that question. And yet, parents often respond to their child's anger as if they have no right to feel that emotion.

Think about it. Your preschooler has an absolute meltdown when you say it's time to leave the park even though you've been there two hours. The child is clearly angry that it is time to leave. But what do we say as a parent? "Stop that! You are being dramatic. This is not something to have a meltdown about. We've been here for two hours and it's time to go. If you don't cut it out we're not coming back next time!"

Or, your seven-year-old is mad at her friend because she's not playing fair. Your child is crying, arms crossed, flung on the couch, full of frustration. Response? "Your friend is here to play with you. If you can't figure it out, then we'll just send your friend home. You're being ridiculous!"

We even have similar responses to our babies who get angry. Your exhausted little one still protests in anger when you dare to try to get them to go to sleep. "Come on," we sigh in exasperation. "You are so tired. Just take your binky and go to sleep already!"

We get stuck with our kids' anger when we expect that what gets us angry should also get our children angry (messy rooms, homework not getting completed, etc.) and what isn't a big deal to us also shouldn't be a big deal to our child (leaving the park after hours of playtime, waiting until after dinner for the cookie, etc.).

But our kids aren't us. And what is important to them isn't necessarily what's important to us. Further, kids have a right to feel angry over the things that are important to them whether we understand their reasons or not. Just like us adults, nothing is more frustrating to a child than being told you aren't allowed to feel what you feel or having your emotions dismissed as being childish.

That being said, children do need to handle their anger appropriately. But they need to learn how, and this is where parents often fail. Unfortunately, parents tend to put energy into trying to get their children to stop feeling angry instead of teaching their children what to DO when they feel angry.

Here are some tips to help you teach your kids to be angry without making life miserable for everyone else.

1. Anger is a secondary emotion. That means we feel it after we feel something else first. Help your child determine their first emotion. Are they hurt? Disappointed? Discouraged? Scared? Feeling out of control? Knowing the first emotion gives you something to talk about and address with them. Recognizing this first emotion helps children feel understood.
2. If you think of degrees of anger as being on a scale of 0 - 10 (zero being not angry at all and ten being the angriest a person can get) don't try to interact or solve a problem with a child who is clearly at "5" or above on that anger scale. Whether you are a child or an adult, no one can think clearly or act appropriately when they are this angry. Provide a cool down spot for your child (removed away from everyone else) for them to stay until they are ready to talk like a "big boy" or "big girl". This is not a punishment. Stay calm and lovingly escort them to their spot explaining what they need to do (calm down so we can talk) and be OK with waiting as long as it takes for them to realize they need to be calm before they get your attention again.
3. Give your child options for what they can do instead when they feel angry. They can say, "I don't like that" instead of "I don't like you". They can jump up and down instead of hitting. They can even say, "That makes me mad!" But they cannot scream, hit, throw a tantrum, break things or make a scene. Let your child know that you will always listen to them when they talk to you appropriately but will not listen when they don't. Then, make this the rule and expectation. Do not let inappropriate ways if handling anger ever be tolerated regardless of where you are or the situation. Never justify or excuse their behavior. Remember, you are preparing them for adulthood. Their future boss will not let them get away with a complete meltdown just because they were tired, or hungry, or not feeling well. Your job is to stay consistent with this expectation so that your child is able to learn how to be angry appropriately now and into adulthood.
4. Talk through their emotion with them. For example, "You're feeling really disappointed that it's time to leave. I understand. You were having a lot of fun. It's OK to feel disappointed. But we'll come again."
5. Redirect their anger in a positive way as soon as you can and let them use their anger to empower them. Questions like, "You don't like the way your friend is playing with you. What are some ways you could solve that problem with your friend?" or "Next time we come to the park, what do you want to make sure you do right away so you don't feel like you run out of time?" or "You feel like you miss out on playtime when it's time to do homework. How could you get your homework done and still feel like you have good playtime?"
6. In the midst of anger, coach your child through appropriate cool down techniques such as taking deep breaths, getting a drink of water, running up and down the stairs, stepping outside for some fresh air, or scribbling on a piece of paper. Doing something physical is the quickest way to calm down. If your child refuses to do any of these things or is too angry to make this decision, choose for your child and put them somewhere removed from everyone until they calm themselves down on their own.
7. Most importantly, make sure that you are modeling appropriate anger behaviors with your children. Children copy the behavior they see their parents do. Don't yell and throw "adult tantrums" when you're angry if you don't want to deal with these same behaviors with your children. Let them see you angry and the steps you take to calm yourself down. They also need to see you act on your anger in a way that positively solves your problem and resolves conflict.

If you don't know how to appropriately handle your own anger and solve your own problems you can't help your children learn these skills either. It's OK to take a class (like those offered at Xylem Family Resource) or seek other resources that can help you learn these skills so that you are able to be a better teacher to your kids. Seeking help does not mean you're a bad parent. It means you're a good one.

Finally, your child doesn't get their way just because they handled their anger appropriately. But when they do and you reward that by taking the time to acknowledge and process their feelings with them it does help them feel valued. And while they may not want to admit it in the moment, that is more important to them in the long run.

How Do You Know Your Mom Loves You (reprise)

Yes, this is cheating a bit. I am reposting one of my very first posts on this blog. It seemed appropriate given that Valentine’s Day is this weekend. If you have followed us on the Xylem Family Resource fan page on Facebook, you know that we’ve been doing a “14 Days of Love” challenge trying to add to a list of things we love about each person in our family until we have a list of 14 things by Valentine’s Day. So, while thinking about this season, I thought again about this post and decided to share it again to remind myself of these words and encourage and inspire you. By the way, this was written before my sweet Samantha was born. She’s not mentioned in this post, but rest assured, I am just as in love with her! =) Enjoy!

Posted 2/24/09

I just filled out one of those things that get passed around on Facebook. On this one, I had to ask my daughter a variety of questions about me and then write down the answers she gave.

One of the questions Isabella had to answer was “What is something Mom always says to you?” Isabella answered, “That she loves me.” Another question was, “How do you know your Mom loves you? Isabella answered, “Because she keeps telling me.”

I love that she answered these questions this way and without hesitation. It is so important to me that my kids DO know I love them. And I strongly believe that a parent can never tell their child too many times that they love them.

So, Isabella is right. I do tell her all the time. I always make sure it’s the last thing my kids hear from me before I leave or before they go somewhere. I say it before they go to bed. I will randomly say it for no particular reason when we’re driving in the car and there’s a lull in the conversation. I tell them when they’ve done something that makes me smile. I tell them as I kiss away their tears.

“I love you” is spoken when I find myself remembering I love them, like when they sing a really sweet song or turn into complete goof-balls making me laugh. And I especially love saying “I love you” when I got one of my kids all to myself, cuddled on the couch, no reason at all, and I can just whisper it quietly in their ear like it’s our little secret.

But, while I may tell my kids that I love them more than the average parent, I know that most parents tell their kids they love them, too. And I bet if we took a large group of kids and asked them how they know their mom loves them, many of them would say, “because she tells me.”

When I taught third grade, I had a girl in my class who it turned out was being horrifically sexually abused by her dad. Fortunately, the dad was easily convicted and sent to jail. While the rest of us were jumping for joy, my sweet student began grieving. She would stay after school and tell me how much she missed her dad. She would tell me she loved him. And despite all the things this man did to his little girl, my student would tell me how much her dad loved her. Because, even children who are abused believe at some level that their parents love them. Unfortunately, their understanding of a parent’s love for their child is twisted and distorted.

I have even worked with many families who tell their kids they love them maybe once or twice a day at the routine times, possibly more given the circumstances. But when I ask their kids why do your parents love you, they get stuck, or they’ll tell me because they’re supposed to, or because their parents feed them and take care of them.

Knowing this. Seeing this. It motivates me with own my kids.

I want my kids to know that I love them not just because I’m their mom and all moms love their kids. I don’t want my kids to know that I love them just because I tell them. I don’t want my kids to know I love them because I take care of them and buy them things and keep them safe. All of these do show them to some degree that I love them. But I want them to know I love them because they are lovable human beings. That it is them as a unique person that I love.

I love their blue eyes and blond hair and their little belly buttons. I love Nate’s soft high-pitched laugh. I could listen to it all day. I love Isabella’s enthusiasm for knowledge and how excited she gets when she learns something new. I love watching them play together and being loving and caring toward each other. I love their hearts and how they want to share and care for others. I love watching Isabella swing and the look of pure happiness as she goes higher and higher. I love how Nate is so much a boy in so many ways but loves more than anyone to give hugs and kisses and to just cuddle. These are the things I also tell them all the time. The specifics. The “why” behind my love. So there’s never a doubt that I love my kids, and there’s never an assumption that I love them because I have to.

I love Isabella because I love Isabella. I love Nate because I love Nate. And I want to make sure that my kids know that my love for them is more than just a mom loving her kids. And my hope is that if Isabella had to give more than just a quick answer to the question “How do you know your mom loves you?” she would be able to say so much more than “because she keeps telling me.”

Consistency and a Parking Lot Time Out

Ah, my sweet Nate. He is so in a phase right now. Challenging the rules. Being extra stubborn. Whining incessantly. Pushing buttons as often as he can. Trying to find the loopholes so that he can get away with whatever it is he wants to get away with for as long as he can.

When I'm not in the midst of experiencing his "phase", there is actually a part of me that loves this aspect of him. It's a glimpse into his personality that potentially will be a great quality to have if developed in a positive way. I love watching his brain at work. He's a smart kid. The way he thinks. His logic. It's great!

And he can drive us all crazy!

I can't begin to tell you how many times Nate has heard, "Stop" in the last couple weeks. My husband and I have thrown every parenting technique his way. I seriously think he is on a secret mission to see if he can break us. To be honest, there have been a few times where I have thought that he just might.

But the key to dealing with this behavior is consistency. It's hard sometimes. It's exhausting sometimes. It's inconvenient sometimes. But all times it's necessary if I want the undesired behavior to change.

The other day, he was picking on his sister. She told him to stop several times. He didn't. I told him to stop. He didn't. I pulled him aside and gave him a firm reminder of stopping when asked to stop or he would be choosing a time out. He said he understood. We got in the car.

As I pulled out of the parking spot Nate started in on another argument with his sister. She was saying, "it is" and he was saying, "it isn't" just to be contrary. I pointed out to Nate that this is an example of picking a fight with his sister and that I was going to jump in right then and say, "stop". This shouldn't have been a problem for him since we had just talked about this. But in the ever so soft whisper of my five-year-old (who remember is always seeking out the loophole) I hear, "it isn't".

By now we're at the stoplight. I don't say anything. The light turns green. I don't say anything. I drove the car into the first parking lot across the street from where we had been and pulled into a parking space. Nate perked up and asked, "What are we doing here, Mom?".

"Well, Nate," I replied, "we're here to do a time out. I told you that would happen if you weren't going to listen and stop when you were asked to stop. I told you to stop and you still chose to whisper 'it isn't" right after I had told you to stop." Nate's face sunk. I think it was more the look of, "Dang. She caught me." But he didn't argue. Nate got out of the car and did his time out on the curb in the parking lot while Isabella, the baby and I sat in the car.
Real quick side note here. Nate was perfectly safe. I was right there beside him. He wasn't freezing. I actually reduced his time from the typical five minutes to two-and-a-half because it was chilly. Time out is never punishment. My goal is not to make my kids suffer. The purpose is to follow through with the choices they make and always mean what I say regardless of where we are. As a result, my kids know that a time out can happen anywhere, even on the side of the road. Just because we're in a car does not mean consequences can't happen.

Nate was actually pretty sweet the rest of this day and did a great job of "stopping" when asked to stop the next time the opportunity presented itself. Consistency pays off.

I know there is more to come from him. But it won't last forever. In the meantime, I remember I love him and because of this I will do my best to stay consistent.

"No" At Christmas

Can you relate to this scene?

Walking through the mall, doing some last minute Christmas shopping with Nate, we passed a woman who was doing balloon animals. Admittedly, they were pretty amazing creations. And there were a lot of parents purchasing one for their child in exchange for a donation to the charity she was supporting.

Nate really wanted one. I said, “No.” He did not like that answer.

The whining began. “Mom, I reaaallly want one! You never let me get one of those! And I want one today!”

To which I responded, “I hear ya, Bud. But not today,” and continued to walk away.

Nate’s face transformed. Brows furrowed. Lips pouty. Eyes glaring. He stuck his foot in front of the stroller to stop it and firmly repeated, “I want a balloon!” It actually surprised me a bit, my five-year-old acting like he was two. Normally Nate doesn’t behave like this. Apparently, he was in a mood to test the boundaries this day.

I know I’m not alone in this type of experience with my kids. I see similar scenarios all the time between other parents and their kids. What they choose to do next dictates what lies ahead. For some, the argument continues and escalates as parent and child engage in a power struggle that includes more crying, yelling, embarrassment, maybe even physical interactions. For others, in effort to avoid the power struggle, the parent gives in, even though they may try to make themselves feel like this isn’t the case by stating something like, “If you don’t calm down you’re not getting anything” or “If I get you the balloon then you can’t have ‘X’ later. Is that OK with you?” The child learns that they are ultimately the one in control and can just throw a temper tantrum (or threaten to have one) to get what they want. Parent is left frustrated. Child is left with a feeling of entitlement. The relationship between the two is damaged. And the scenario will happen again.

That doesn’t work for me. I get that Nate is five and doesn’t understand why sometimes I say no to things he wants. I get that he thinks the balloon animals are cool and really does want one. However, he needs to learn that he can’t always get what he wants. And he definitely needs to know that this kind of behavior is not going to get him success.

So, I immediately stopped in my tracks, grabbed his arm and pulled him to me. I squatted down to his level and talked so only he could hear me, but firmly because I wanted him to know that I was serious.

“Nate, I know you want a balloon. But today we are not getting one. Instead, I am choosing to spend my money on other Christmas gifts for you. I love you very much. And I want to get you nice things that I know you will enjoy. When I’m not treated with respect, it doesn’t make me very excited to buy any gifts. Remember that Mommy and Daddy take good care of you. And you will be getting a lot of wonderful gifts in just a few days from lots of people who love you. You do not need a balloon animal today and my answer is, “No”. Do you understand?” Nate nodded his head.

I continued, “Now I need an apology from you for the way you were acting because that is not OK.” Nate apologized.

“OK, Bud. Thank you for saying,’sorry.’” I gave him a hug and told him I loved him. Then we got up to go catch up with Dad and Isabella.

This worked quickly and effectively because this is a common interaction between me and my kids. They know that I understand where they’re coming from. They know that I usually will give them a reason behind my ”no” so it doesn’t just feel arbitrary to them. But my kids also know that I am consistent with my “no.” They know that if they push beyond the final “no” I will also be consistent with a consequence like “time out”, even if we’re in the middle of a busy mall.

Kids wanting and asking is inevitable, especially at Christmastime when there are so many exciting things potentially available to them. But that does not mean the power struggles are inevitable, or the meltdowns, or the frustrations, or the empty wallet. It is OK to say no in a firm but loving way and still have a Merry Christmas!

Don’t forget your consistency this Christmas. And don’t forget to enjoy this special time with your children!

Dangers of Parental Disagreement

In a previous post, I told the story of how our lamp shade got broken ( read You Break It, You Pay For It). After giving us $4 from his coin bank, Nate had decided that he wanted to try to sell some of his toys to pay the remaining amount of his half for the new shade.

The other day, we were doing a run to Goodwill to drop off some items we had cleaned out of the garage. I told the kids that I would pay them a dollar for every toy they wanted to give away mentioning that this could be money used toward buying Christmas presents for friends or, in Nate’s case, to pay off the remaining $3 balance on the lamp shade.

Nate raced up the stairs and came down with his large Tonka Dump Truck and proceeded to take it outside where his dad was loading up the car. I could overhear the following conversation:

Dad: What are you doing with that?
Nate: I’m giving this away.
Dad: No. You don’t need to give that away. That’s your good truck.
Nate: But Mom’s going to give me a dollar for it.

Seconds later my husband came inside. “Why are you letting him give this away?” my husband asked.

I explained to him what I told the kids.

My husband did not think this was a good idea. “He plays with this truck. We could go upstairs and clean out a ton of toys that they actually don’t play with and give those away. It doesn’t make any sense to give away toys that they play with.”

I totally saw his point. On the other hand, I argued that the toy must not be that important to him if he was so willing to give it away for a dollar. Besides, they had so many toys that I actually didn’t care which ones they got rid of.

My husband and I went back and forth on this until finally I agreed that we’d hold off on the toys until we could spend more time really helping the kids think about which toys they wanted to give away.

Fast forward to yesterday. I was asking Nate to do something for me that he was reluctant to do. Before the power struggle I knew was coming began, I reminded Nate that he needed to listen to Mommy.

It was almost as if he was waiting for the cue. He looked up at me and said, “I don’t always have to listen to you.”

“Oh yes you do, Nate,” I responded.

“But sometimes I only have to listen to Dad and not to you,” he retorted.

“What are you talking about? Mom and Dad are a team and you need to listen to both of us. What Dad says and what I say are the same.”

And then Nate brought up the incident with the truck reminding me that what I had said didn’t mean anything and that Dad was the one who got to decide what to do with the truck in the end.

I work with dozens of couples helping them parent more effectively as a team. One of the major things I always emphasize with them is that you never disagree with each other in front of the kids. If there is disagreement, you always go into another location away from the kids to work it out so that you can come back out as a united front.

Even when it’s a small disagreement like taking a truck to Goodwill.

The fact that my husband disagreed on what should be done with the toys was not the problem. It’s OK that we disagreed. And our discussion was not the problem. We argued back and forth on the issue and came to a mutual agreement that worked for both of us. The problem was that we did all of that in front of the kids leaving the impression that Dad “won” and therefore must have more authority than Mom even though that is not the case. If we had had our same discussion in private and then I came out telling Nate that Mommy and Daddy have changed our minds and we’ve decided to wait until we can go through your toys together, it would have changed the perception of who was really in charge for Nate. He would have seen us more as a united team than two opposing sides battling for a win.

Thank you Nate for reminding me of this.

How good are you and your spouse at keeping your parenting disagreements private? Do your kids see you as a united front or opposing sides? What can the two of you do better?

Thankful For My Family

Are you thankful for your family? I don't necessarily mean all your aunts and uncles, brothers and sisters, mom and dad. I mean specifically your nuclear family; your spouse and your kids.

Now I'm sure for many of you your first reaction is ,"Of course". And I don't doubt you. But what about your family makes you thankful? To answer that question, most of us usually have to pause and really ponder the list.

I've asked families in the past to list for me ten things they are thankful for in regards to their family. Most people think this will be an easy assignment...until they get to number five or six. Coming up with a whole list of ten things makes us really have to stop and ponder. It's even harder if the assignment is changed to require ten things you're thankful for regarding each individual in your family.

Why? Because it is so easy to focus on what we're not content with in our family. My house isn't big enough. My daughter is exceptionally dramatic these days. When my son isn't being whiny, he's challenging the rules of the house. My husband is working too much these days. Coming up with a list of ten things I'm not thankful for is pretty easy.

But research shows that our attitude toward a person or a situation is largely influenced by our positive or negative energy put toward it. In fact, the chemicals released in the body when we're thinking negative thoughts are different than the ones released when we think positive. That's right. There is actually a physiological effect in our body that occurs depending on our attitude toward something. If our thoughts and attitudes can have physical effects on our bodies, it's no wonder that they can in turn effect how we treat the ones we love and the things that we have.

I was really struck by remembering this today. I looked around my house. It's a mess and I'm not very motivate to clean it up. But for the past year I have also been very discontent with my house. In fact, I have said out loud that I hate my house. And I think my negative attitude that I keep toward my house has translated into a half-hearted way of taking care of it. If I can see the effect of my attitude on my house, what would it look like if I had a negative attitude toward my husband? My kids?

And this is why I'm encouraging myself and you to purposely, intentionally, make a list of at least ten things that you are thankful for. I know that some of you may have a hard time even getting started. You're thankful for your family in theory, but family is stressful right now. Maybe your marriage is rocky or your kids seem challenging. But even if it takes you all day, try to come up with at least ten ways to be thankful for your family.

To show that I am really trying to practice what I preach, here are my lists. I'd love to see your lists, too if you are willing to share them. Put them in the comment section below or feel free to e-mail them to me at tara@xylemfamily.org.

Happy Thanksgiving!

My Husband:
1. I am thankful that my husband loves being a father and intentionally is a part of their lives.
2. I am thankful that my husband loves me and goes out of his way to show me that is true.
3. I am thankful that my husband truly believes we are a parenting team and is an equal participant in raising our kids.
4. I am thankful my husband loves to cook and is a fabulous cook and as a result my family gets awesome meals on a regular basis. I'm particularly thankful for this because I HATE cooking and am not very good at it.
5. I am thankful that my husband believes that me staying home to be available for our children is important and never has thought twice about the sacrifices we have had to make in order to make that happen.
6. I am thankful that my husband enjoys hanging out with me and actually has fun with me.
7. I am thankful that my husband and I have the same sense of humor. Without him, I don't know who I would laugh with.
8. I am thankful that my husband not only has a job but loves his job.
9. I am thankful that my husband works hard at his job and is ambitious about continuing to grow within his company so that our family can live even beyond comfortably.
10. I am thankful that my husband gets up in the middle of the night with our baby to bring her to me so that it's easier for me to go back to sleep and that he takes her away in the morning when he can so I can get few extra minutes of sleep.

All of my kids:
1. I am thankful that my kids are healthy.
2. I am thankful that my kids have not had significant harm physically, emotionally or spiritually.
3. I am thankful that my kids love to smile and laugh.
4. I am thankful that my kids love each other.
5. I am thankful that my kids enjoy being with other people.
6. I am thankful that people enjoy being with my kids.
7. I am thankful that my kids have sweet hearts that allow them to care for others.
8. I am thankful that my kids are bonded to me and my husband in a healthy way.
9. I am thankful that each one of my kids add something unique to our family.
10. I am thankful that my kids love me as much as I love them.

You Break It,You Pay For It

Nate and Isabella were having a lot of fun wrestling yesterday. I love how they love each other. They are such great friends. But last night their “fun” was getting a little close to the bookshelf and floor lamp. I stopped them twice to remind them to be careful and aware of where they were.

“We’re being careful, Mom!” they sang.

Moments later, there was a crash. Isabella had plunged into the floor lamp and grabbed onto the lampshade to try to catch herself. Instead, her weight and momentum just ripped the lampshade off its stand leaving a small piece dangling from the wire frame and exposing the brightly burning bulb.

My two kids froze. They stared at me waiting to hear what I was going to say. They knew they were in trouble.

Yelling at them would not fix my broken lampshade. Neither would sending them both to time out or taking away desert. We now needed a new lampshade, and my kids are always in need of opportunities to learn logical consequences.

“Bummer, you guys,” I said. “You’re both going to have to buy a new lampshade for that lamp.” They both looked at me dumbfounded. I don’t think they expected that. I explained to them that the shade would cost anywhere between $15 and $20 which meant that they would each need to come up with about $10.

Isabella broke into a wail. “I don’t haaaaaavvvvveeee $10!” The tears flowed along with, “Mom, it was just an accident! It was not on purpose!”

I let them know that I knew it was an accident. I reminded them that I was worried an accident might happen which is why I cautioned them to watch what they were doing. They weren’t in trouble. But we did need our lampshade back.

I reminded them of the time I was in a car accident. Though it was an accident, it was also my fault because I wasn’t watching what I was doing. I had to pay to get my car fixed and the other person’s car fixed. Even if it’s an accident, we still need to fix our mistakes.
“But I have no money!” Isabella continued.

I gave them some ideas. They could use the money they had in their coin banks. They could do some chores that Daddy and I would pay them for. Or they could sell some of their toys (I would help them post them on Craig’s List).

True to Nate’s character, he accepted his consequences and immediately trotted upstairs to find toys to sell.

Isabella stayed to argue some more.

“Isabella, look at me,” I said. “I know you’re disappointed. I know you wish it hadn’t happened. But look at my face. I am not going to change my mind. You will need to figure out how to pay for the lampshade by this weekend.”

It was over. Isabella stopped arguing.

Nate is almost five and Isabella is only seven, so I will help them along the way in getting their money. If they choose chores, I will pay them generously for the things I ask them to do. If they sell toys, I will help them gather toys that will get them at least $10. I will help them count the coins in their coin jar. But I won’t let them off the hook.

I am thankful that they get opportunities to learn lessons of responsibility like this. And this logical consequence will have a bigger impact on their future behavior than anything else I could have done.

Plus, I get a new lamp shade.

Connecting With Your Kids During the Week

I recently had a conversation with a working mom who shared with me her struggle to connect positively with her kids during the week. In the midst of getting up early, rushing to get dressed and out the door, late afternoon pick up from daycare, making dinner and getting ready for bed, there seemed to be little time to just enjoy her kids. Each day she just needed to make it through the daily routines until they could get to the weekend. Then she felt she had to make the most of the weekend to make up for what was missing during the week.

Many working parents can relate to this feeling. Truth is, many stay-at-home parents can relate to this feeling, especially those of us with kids in school. But it is not fair to our kids to only get us emotionally two days a week. It’s not fair to us, either. We need to regularly bond with our kids as much as they need to bond with us.

When we miss out on connecting with our kids during the week, we feel the consequences. Our kids begin to feel like a burden, a hassle, an added stress. We end up looking back on our week and feel like parenting is hard work. We feel guilty that we’re too busy for our kids and tell ourselves, “we’re a terrible parent”.

So, I’d like to share some things we do in our home to enjoy and connect with our kids throughout the week that fit into the daily routine.

Picnic on the floor Who says dinner always has to be at the dinner table? Sometimes, we lay down a blanket, bring out the paper plates (yea! no dishes to wash!) and eat dinner on the floor. We will often do this in front of the TV so we can watch a movie during dinner. My kids LOVE this!

Cooking with Kids Instead of setting our kids up to play or watch a video while we rush in the kitchen to make dinner, we let our kids help us make dinner. Even a two-year-old can wash the vegetables or press start on the microwave to defrost the chicken. For us, we have found that this is a great way to get our kids excited about cooking and food (my daughter’s dream is to one day be on the food network). Yes, it may mean going a little slower. But it’s not by much. If there isn’t really anything the kids can do, we sit them up on the counter to have them watch us so we can talk to them while we cook. We sing with them and talk to them about their day. All while getting dinner done.

Car Sing-a-Long Many parents play kids CD’s in their car to keep their kids entertained. In our car, I sing along with my kids. It’s a way to enter into their world and have fun with them. It does mean we’ve had to pick out CD’s that I can stomach. I cannot handle the cheesy kids songs that are out there. Our family enjoys the Curious George soundtrack. I get my Jack Johnson and they get fun kid songs. But my experience is that kids enjoy any music. It doesn’t have to have a kid sticker on it. My kids also enjoy listening to my radio station and my CD’s. They’re familiar with the songs and we all enjoy singing along together. Forcing myself to sing along with my kids has turned around many a grouchy morning for me.

Do Your Homework WITH Your Kids Read all about this one in my post a few weeks ago, Homework Strategies Part 2.

Here Comes the Clothes Monster When my kids were littler, instead of battling them over getting their jammies on or their socks and shoes on, I turned it into a game and had fun. Oh No! Here comes the Jammie Monster. I’m coming to get you! Here I come! And I grab you and tickle you and pull off your shirt and tickle you while I put on your jammie top. You cannot escape me. I get you I get you I get you!….Now imagine with me the squeals of laughter I got with this approach vs the yelling and frustration I experienced doing it the boring way. A great bonding moment that takes five minutes AND the clothes get on.

Now that my kids are older, we still do games around getting ready. I’ll say, “I bet I can get my jammies on before you” and I race my kids over who can get dressed first. Or we’ll blast a fun song on the iPod for us to jam to while we get ready.

Love Notes put love notes in my kids’ lunches every time. I’ve been doing this since preschool (they would have their teachers read the short note to them). These notes mean a lot to my kids. Sometimes I pick my daughter up from school and she has taped the note from her lunch onto her shirt and my son will have his in his pocket. Writing the note makes me pause a moment to think about how I’d like to connect with each child later in their day even though I’m not with them. Love notes can also be hidden in their coat pockets, their books, or any other item where they can discover it later.

These are just some of the things I do with my kids throughout the week. The point is, I am intentional about it. I know my time is limited with them during the week, so I have to take what we have and find ways to use our routine to connect with each other. As a result, I find I enjoy my kids more during the week. I’m not so tired at the end of the day. I look forward to being with them. And I don’t feel guilty that I’m not giving my kids enough attention or the need to compensate on the weekend for what was lacking during the week.

I’d love to hear what you do or what you are going to try to do throughout the week to stay connected with your kids beyond the daily routine. We can all use more ideas.

You Are a Good Parent

Today I want to encourage you.

You are not a terrible parent. In fact, I know you are a good parent because you are seeking out ways to become better at what you do with your kids. You came searching for solutions to things you're struggling with. Or you knew this blog was here and came to read what it had to say because you want to soak up as many parenting ideas as possible. You know you don't have all the answers. You know that there is no such thing as a perfect parent (except for our Divine Father...which is a whole other blog post). And because you know this, you want to learn more ways to be better at this parenting job of yours. You love your kids and you want what's best for them. And a good parent like you knows that since you're one of the most important influences in your child's life, they deserve the best from you.

And yet, if you're like many of the parents I come across, you feel like you're a terrible parent because you don't know all the answers to your parenting questions. Your kids do frustrate you. You get angry at them. You find yourself at a lost for how to deal with those recurring behaviors. There are times you feel like you are completely out of control and it overwhelms you. And because you feel this way, you feel like you're failing. Or you feel guilty because the only thing you know what to do in such situations are things you swore you'd never do.

You are not a terrible parent. You just don't know what to do instead.

Read those two sentences again.

The love we feel for our children, the desire to protect them, our desire to be the best parent possible for them, these things are innate. How we carry these things out practically is not. Parenting skills are learned. Most of us have not been taught great parenting skills. Many of us were actually taught very poor parenting skills. How you parent your own kids was taught to you primarily by those who parented you. And even though you swore you would never yell like your mother or give in like your father, when all else fails and you don't know what else to do, you find yourself falling back on what you DO know and doing the things you saw your own parents do in similar situations.

This is good news. It means you are not a bad parent. You just do what you know how to do.

This is good news because how you parent is a learned behavior.

This is good news because you can learn something different. You can learn more skills. You can learn to be a better parent. You can learn parenting strategies that actually work so you don't have to get so angry. You don't have to yell. You can actually feel successful in your parenting. And when you keep learning new and better strategies and commit yourself to putting them into practice it won't be long before you realize what I knew about you from the beginning.

You are good parent.

Homework Strategies Part 2

So you got your homework bin all set up, right? If not, read the previous post.

Here are some more tips that I do with my kids to make getting their homework done less of a battle each night.

First, it is not a requirement that they get their homework done as soon as they get home before they can do anything else. Yes, I know. That's a common rule among parents. Get it done and over with, right? But I know how I feel after a long day at work. The last thing I want to do when I get home is go right back to work-related tasks. School is like a day at work for kids. Just like me, kids need some decompression time. So, I give them about 30 - 45 minutes of play and snack time before getting them going on homework.

Once the "chill out" time is done, all homework and piano practice need to be completed before the TV comes back on or playtime starts again. On days when there are extra-curricular activities the same rule still applies. My kids are learning that the activities they've chosen may cause nighttime playtime to be limited. I say they're learning this because they still try protesting sometimes when a late soccer practice leads to late dinner which leads to getting homework completed right when it's time to start getting ready for bed meaning no TV or playtime that night. On days like this, my kids can always choose to shorten their down time after school and get going on their homework right away to allow for more playtime later. This is always a choice for them. I never require it except for the rare situation when I know there will not be time to do homework later if they don't get started right away.

When it's time to get going on homework, we pull out the homework bin, their assignments and we all get to work. That's right. I stay involved and do their homework with them. That's probably the biggest factor in our success. I don't do the work for them. I ask questions and have them "teach" me what they are supposed to do. And sometimes I have them do several problems or pieces of their work by themselves and then I check it over. But I view homework time as family time. I stay in the room with them (and my husband, too when he's here), helping them along until homework is completed.

I work with many parents who want their kids to get going on homework on their own so they can get back to doing whatever they were doing or disappear into the kitchen to make dinner. Many parents complain that the battles with their kids are usually over getting their kids to "go do" their homework and are frustrated that every time they walk back into the room, their kids aren't doing their work, are messing around, or playing. Parents are frustrated with the attention getting behaviors such as the melt downs, the "I can't do this", and the sibling battles, all behaviors designed to get you back into the room. By staying in the room and involved to begin with, many if not all of these behaviors get eliminated.

Here's why I encourage parents to do this even with their Jr. High and High School students. First, once school starts, the amount of time we get to see and interact with our kids greatly decreases. During the week, I see my kids about five hours total each day, and that's on the days that they don't have piano, soccer practice or swimming. And whether our kids admit it to us or not, they miss us during the day, too. Children desire attention from their parents. Yes, even those older kiddos. Since homework is inevitable and unavoidable, I first view homework as an opportunity to spend time with my kids. Being a great parent is not always convenient from my perspective. I agree that it is a pain to juggle getting dinner together or my baby cared for while helping my two older kids with their homework. But I try to figure out the multi-tasking because it is important for me to spend time with the kids I haven't seen all day however I can.

Second, and most obviously, by staying involved in their homework I am able to stay aware of what they are doing in school and how well they are doing academically. I can be a better support to my child's learning when I know the topics they're covering and the areas they need to keep practicing.

There have been a couple times so far that my kids have not completed their homework despite all I have tried to do to set them up for success (admittedly, we are only in our second year of doing homework. I know the incidences will most likely increase over the years to come). In these cases, they get sent to school without their homework done and must explain to their teacher why this happened. Literally, they have to explain to their teacher why they didn't do their homework. I follow up with the teacher to make sure it was done and support any natural consequences that come from the teacher for not having homework turned in.

By staying consistent with our homework routine and expectations, homework time goes smoothly. While my kids often don't enjoy having to do more schoolwork at home, they do enjoy the attention and time they get from me and my husband during this time.

This topic usually brings up lots of frustrations and questions. What questions do you have? What's working and not working for you? Let me know by commenting below and let's discuss possible solutions.

Homework Success Strategy Part 1

Last week I came home with a big plastic bin full of office supplies. But these weren't just any office supplies. They consisted of green scissors and a blue tape dispenser and glittery pencils. In my bag I had all the needed supplies for a homework bin.

Putting together a homework supply bin for my kids accomplishes several things:

1. Eliminates the extra time spent looking for a pencil, paper, scissors and any other item needed to complete that day's homework assignment


2. By providing fun supplies (see my examples below) it makes doing homework a bit more enjoyable. Think about it. Don't you enjoy writing so much more with a nice pen and special paper?


3. Helps set the tone for doing homework. Getting out their special supplies is like putting on your work clothes.


4. Sends a message to your kids that their school work is important enough in your home that it's worth spending time and money to ensure that they're set up for homework success.


5. Allows you to buy some of the fun school supplies you didn't buy for school because they weren't on the supply list (when did school supply lists get so boring?).

Here's what I included in our homework bin.

• glittery #2 pencils in various colors


• electric pencil sharpener


• colored stapler for stapling falling apart packets and multi-page assignments


• glue and glue sticks


• colored scissors


• cool tape dispenser for healing all the inevitable rips and tears


• neon bend-y ruler


• floppy flexible solar-powered calculator


• drawing paper


• lined paper

Then I bought one of those clear view plastic storage drawers to put it all in. The whole thing cost me about $50. You could easily spend less depending on what you already have in stock at home and what you feel they need in their bin. We already had plenty of crayons at home, so I chose not to buy more of these. I later added the crayons from home to the bin for homework use.

If possible, don't assume you can multi-use an item. For example, just because you have a pair of scissors in the kitchen drawer doesn't mean you don't need to buy a pair of scissors for the homework bin. Remember that one of the things we're trying to accomplish is the elimination of looking around the house for supplies. You also don't want to create a potential conflict with your child when they put those scissors in their homework bin instead of back in the kitchen drawer.

Keep all homework stuff in one place, household items in another. This also means, do not try to sneak into the homework bin when you're looking for some scissors and tape to wrap a present. Again, avoid the conflict that can occur when your kids need their materials for that special project and come to find out their scissors are missing and their tape is almost gone.

While I don't have my kids begging me to race home so they can get right to their homework, they are very excited about their materials and feel very special to have their own important bin of fun supplies just for doing homework. It has made doing homework a bit more enjoyable for them. I'm sure the novelty will wear off eventually. But the many benefits of having the bin will still continue throughout the year.

Homework bins are a great way to make your family's homework experience successful. Next time I will share with you some other homework success strategies that have worked for us.

Money Well Spent

Five minutes. Not very long. But five minutes of pure joy. For five minutes your child is nothing but happy and free. The largest smile spread across their face. Giggles and other gleeful noises that you hardly ever hear in any other circumstance come out of their mouths. To top it off, their sheer joy overflows into you. For five minutes, you join in your child's happiness. You laugh like you haven't laughed in a long time, and you smile so big and for so long that your face actually hurts at the end of it. And if that wasn't enough, it's not just an experience for you and your child, but your whole family. Your spouse is beside you having the same experience, and your other children are jumping up and down with excitement, too. The experience only lasts five minutes. But it's wonderful. How much is that experience worth? How much would you pay for it?

Kids are quick to want to spend money on just about anything. One minute they just got to have that sparkly bouncy ball. Another minute they want some cheap plastic toy that you know will get played with once or twice. They totally think spending $5 to jump in a jumpy castle is totally worth it. In contrast, I am slow to spend money. I think about how much money is being spent each day. When I do go to spend money, I weigh the value of the item with the cost. I try to find good deals on good quality. Above all, I want my kids to understand the value of money and to not have a sense of entitlement.

But there it was. The trampoline and the bungee chords. Both my kids' eyes got wide and I knew what was coming. Of course it's what they sooooooo wanted to do. Next came the "please, Mom can we do it?" I knew the cost to jump a few minutes extra high on a trampoline was probably going to be ridiculous, but I said I would at least see how much tickets were. Ten dollars a ticket. $20 for both my kids to jump on a trampoline. My immediate reaction was no. It did look like a lot of fun, but I did not think that was the best use of money. My kids could tell that they were probably not going to get to do it. I could see their acceptance of this as they settled for watching other kids jump instead, imagining what it must be like.

Then my husband called the kids over. He pulled out his wallet and gave them each $20. He explained to them that when he went on family vacations as a little boy, his dad would give him and his sister $20 to spend however they want. He wanted to continue that tradition with his kids. But he warned them that when their money was gone, it was gone, so choose wisely how they spend it.

He had barely completed his speech when they both blurted out, "We want to do the trampoline!" I wanted to continue the lecture about choosing wisely how to spend your money, but my husband stopped me reminding me that it was now their money and they can spend it how they want. I'm blessed to have my husband. He's a great dad and helped me remember that letting them learn how to spend money on their own is good parenting, too.

My kids, having excitedly purchased their tickets stepped up to take their turn on the trampoline. Nate went first.

Listen carefully. Can you hear the high-pitched "WEEEE" with every jump?

Isabella went next. She's more of a daredevil than her brother and wanted to make the most of her experience. You see her here trying out flipping. What you don't see is her later being a goofball and trying out different poses each time she flew into the sky. She had all of us laughing hysterically.

But if you can, watch the videos again and listen to my husband and me. We're having a blast, too. In fact, when we were reflecting on our favorite thing we did all weekend, we both picked watching the kids on the trampoline. Who knew?

I learned a valuable lesson this weekend. I learned to not be so quick to dismiss a potential opportunity for my kids to experience something fun. I'm not saying that I should instead let my kids do every fun thing that catches their eye. And I'm not saying that I always have to spend money to allow my kids to experience joy. But I realized that sometimes it is worth the money to allow my kids to experience something exciting and new. When I spend most of my time trying to watch how our money gets spent, it's easy to forget this.

I have to admit that we were so excited when the next day, both kids wanted to spend their last $10 to jump again. Because I was wrong. The $10 per ticket to jump extra high on a trampoline was a good use of money. In reality, it was a great deal. Each ticket provided an amazing super-fun experience that will remain a great family memory for 4 people (and a baby. Samantha got a kick out of all the excitement, too).

$40 was spent in all to jump on a trampoline. But it was definitely $40 well spent.

Isabella, day 2

Barefoot and Mismatched Socks

My kids have been in school now for two weeks. The first week of school came with a bit of grace from me. I remember as a kid the adjustment from lazy summer morning "routine" to up-and-at-'em-no-messing-around school morning routine. So, I offered more reminders than usual about how much time they had before we were leaving and let them run back into the house to grab their backpack after we had all already piled into the van to leave. For the first week I gave instruction on how to manage their time more effectively in the future. We had discussions on the way to school over what was slowing us down in the morning and what we could do to solve that. I offered extra help in the effort to get them back into a school-morning rhythm.

Overall, in two weeks my kids have done a great job getting back into a morning routine. Each morning I come downstairs around 8:00 to my kids on the couch watching their morning PBS programs and set them into motion with getting dressed, eating breakfast and gathering all their stuff for school. We've been able to leave by 8:40 almost every day with 8:45 being the latest. Getting two kids and a baby out the door in 40 minutes is something I'm very proud of. =)

I'd like to say that in addition to not being late for school (yet), our journey to school is relaxed and full of joy. We have had some of those journeys, even within the past two weeks. But most mornings we enter into the school drive with frustrations lingering. The biggest culprit has been shoes and socks.

Such simple things, shoes. Mine are always kept by the front door. I take them off and leave them there first thing when I walk into the house so they're there to put on as I get ready to leave.

Socks. I have a drawer just for those warm little feet huggers. Several pairs reside in those drawers so that I always have a pair to pull out in time of need.

It seems so simple. So easy. Which is why it drive me CRAZY that almost every morning there is this frantic dash around the house looking for clean socks and finding the partner to a lonely shoe.

I've taught the kids my system. Apparently they don't like it because they don't use it.

I've given them a "heads up" for how much time they have before we leave so if they need socks and shoes they'd have plenty of time to solve that problem before we head out the door. Apparently they think I'm just stating the time for my benefit and that somehow some household magic (that hasn't existed any other day at our house by the way) will magically place two clean socks and matched shoes on their feet as we walk out the door.

So, yesterday I told them that tomorrow I was not going to wait around for shoes and socks to be found. At 8:40 everyone was getting in the van for school whether they had the right clothing on their feet or not.

Today, at 8:30 I told the kids we were leaving in 10 minutes and to make sure they had all their stuff and their shoes and socks on. At 8:39, I put the baby in her car seat, turned off the TV, grabbed my keys and announced, "Everyone in the car! Time to go!" My two kids went scrambling for their shoes. Isabella couldn't find socks. Nate actually had his shoes and socks sitting beside him but he didn't have them on. I pulled out my "bummer" phrase to them and told them "It's not my problem. Get in the car." And I walked out of the house to the van.

Isabella grab the first two socks she could find (dirty and mismatched). Nate walked out barefoot with his shoes and socks in his hand.

You'd think the story ends here. Except Nate, in his ultimate wisdom, chose not to put his shoes and socks on in the car. Don't ask. I have no idea what his little brain was thinking. As we pulled up to school and got ready to get out, Nate began whining that he didn't have his shoes on yet.
"Bummer," I said. "Your bell's about to ring and you need to get inside. You're going to have to go in barefoot. Hopefully your teacher will let you put your shoes on in the classroom." Nate did not like that at all, complaining that his feet hurt and the grass was wet the whole way into the building. The best part of this story was that his teacher, after hearing from me why her cute blond-headed student didn't have his shoes on, picked right up where I left off and sat him in the back of the classroom to put his shoes on before he could sit down in circle time.

I love allowing my kids to learn through natural consequences especially when I have taught them ahead of time how to avoid the consequence. We can't make our kids do anything. And sometimes we have to allow them the opportunity to choose to learn a life lesson the natural way instead of our way. I've found that sometimes this is the most effective teacher.

So, hopefully tomorrow when I say, "We're leaving in 10 minutes, get your shoes and socks on," my children will take me a little more seriously. Because at 8:40, we're getting in the car whether they're ready or not. And maybe, just maybe, they will have two clean socks and a pair of shoes on their feet.