Are Kids Allowed to Get Angry?

Are kids allowed to get angry?

It may seem like a silly question at face value. I would guess that most of us would answer, "of course" to that question. And yet, parents often respond to their child's anger as if they have no right to feel that emotion.

Think about it. Your preschooler has an absolute meltdown when you say it's time to leave the park even though you've been there two hours. The child is clearly angry that it is time to leave. But what do we say as a parent? "Stop that! You are being dramatic. This is not something to have a meltdown about. We've been here for two hours and it's time to go. If you don't cut it out we're not coming back next time!"

Or, your seven-year-old is mad at her friend because she's not playing fair. Your child is crying, arms crossed, flung on the couch, full of frustration. Response? "Your friend is here to play with you. If you can't figure it out, then we'll just send your friend home. You're being ridiculous!"

We even have similar responses to our babies who get angry. Your exhausted little one still protests in anger when you dare to try to get them to go to sleep. "Come on," we sigh in exasperation. "You are so tired. Just take your binky and go to sleep already!"

We get stuck with our kids' anger when we expect that what gets us angry should also get our children angry (messy rooms, homework not getting completed, etc.) and what isn't a big deal to us also shouldn't be a big deal to our child (leaving the park after hours of playtime, waiting until after dinner for the cookie, etc.).

But our kids aren't us. And what is important to them isn't necessarily what's important to us. Further, kids have a right to feel angry over the things that are important to them whether we understand their reasons or not. Just like us adults, nothing is more frustrating to a child than being told you aren't allowed to feel what you feel or having your emotions dismissed as being childish.

That being said, children do need to handle their anger appropriately. But they need to learn how, and this is where parents often fail. Unfortunately, parents tend to put energy into trying to get their children to stop feeling angry instead of teaching their children what to DO when they feel angry.

Here are some tips to help you teach your kids to be angry without making life miserable for everyone else.

1. Anger is a secondary emotion. That means we feel it after we feel something else first. Help your child determine their first emotion. Are they hurt? Disappointed? Discouraged? Scared? Feeling out of control? Knowing the first emotion gives you something to talk about and address with them. Recognizing this first emotion helps children feel understood.
2. If you think of degrees of anger as being on a scale of 0 - 10 (zero being not angry at all and ten being the angriest a person can get) don't try to interact or solve a problem with a child who is clearly at "5" or above on that anger scale. Whether you are a child or an adult, no one can think clearly or act appropriately when they are this angry. Provide a cool down spot for your child (removed away from everyone else) for them to stay until they are ready to talk like a "big boy" or "big girl". This is not a punishment. Stay calm and lovingly escort them to their spot explaining what they need to do (calm down so we can talk) and be OK with waiting as long as it takes for them to realize they need to be calm before they get your attention again.
3. Give your child options for what they can do instead when they feel angry. They can say, "I don't like that" instead of "I don't like you". They can jump up and down instead of hitting. They can even say, "That makes me mad!" But they cannot scream, hit, throw a tantrum, break things or make a scene. Let your child know that you will always listen to them when they talk to you appropriately but will not listen when they don't. Then, make this the rule and expectation. Do not let inappropriate ways if handling anger ever be tolerated regardless of where you are or the situation. Never justify or excuse their behavior. Remember, you are preparing them for adulthood. Their future boss will not let them get away with a complete meltdown just because they were tired, or hungry, or not feeling well. Your job is to stay consistent with this expectation so that your child is able to learn how to be angry appropriately now and into adulthood.
4. Talk through their emotion with them. For example, "You're feeling really disappointed that it's time to leave. I understand. You were having a lot of fun. It's OK to feel disappointed. But we'll come again."
5. Redirect their anger in a positive way as soon as you can and let them use their anger to empower them. Questions like, "You don't like the way your friend is playing with you. What are some ways you could solve that problem with your friend?" or "Next time we come to the park, what do you want to make sure you do right away so you don't feel like you run out of time?" or "You feel like you miss out on playtime when it's time to do homework. How could you get your homework done and still feel like you have good playtime?"
6. In the midst of anger, coach your child through appropriate cool down techniques such as taking deep breaths, getting a drink of water, running up and down the stairs, stepping outside for some fresh air, or scribbling on a piece of paper. Doing something physical is the quickest way to calm down. If your child refuses to do any of these things or is too angry to make this decision, choose for your child and put them somewhere removed from everyone until they calm themselves down on their own.
7. Most importantly, make sure that you are modeling appropriate anger behaviors with your children. Children copy the behavior they see their parents do. Don't yell and throw "adult tantrums" when you're angry if you don't want to deal with these same behaviors with your children. Let them see you angry and the steps you take to calm yourself down. They also need to see you act on your anger in a way that positively solves your problem and resolves conflict.

If you don't know how to appropriately handle your own anger and solve your own problems you can't help your children learn these skills either. It's OK to take a class (like those offered at Xylem Family Resource) or seek other resources that can help you learn these skills so that you are able to be a better teacher to your kids. Seeking help does not mean you're a bad parent. It means you're a good one.

Finally, your child doesn't get their way just because they handled their anger appropriately. But when they do and you reward that by taking the time to acknowledge and process their feelings with them it does help them feel valued. And while they may not want to admit it in the moment, that is more important to them in the long run.

How Do You Know Your Mom Loves You (reprise)

Yes, this is cheating a bit. I am reposting one of my very first posts on this blog. It seemed appropriate given that Valentine’s Day is this weekend. If you have followed us on the Xylem Family Resource fan page on Facebook, you know that we’ve been doing a “14 Days of Love” challenge trying to add to a list of things we love about each person in our family until we have a list of 14 things by Valentine’s Day. So, while thinking about this season, I thought again about this post and decided to share it again to remind myself of these words and encourage and inspire you. By the way, this was written before my sweet Samantha was born. She’s not mentioned in this post, but rest assured, I am just as in love with her! =) Enjoy!

Posted 2/24/09

I just filled out one of those things that get passed around on Facebook. On this one, I had to ask my daughter a variety of questions about me and then write down the answers she gave.

One of the questions Isabella had to answer was “What is something Mom always says to you?” Isabella answered, “That she loves me.” Another question was, “How do you know your Mom loves you? Isabella answered, “Because she keeps telling me.”

I love that she answered these questions this way and without hesitation. It is so important to me that my kids DO know I love them. And I strongly believe that a parent can never tell their child too many times that they love them.

So, Isabella is right. I do tell her all the time. I always make sure it’s the last thing my kids hear from me before I leave or before they go somewhere. I say it before they go to bed. I will randomly say it for no particular reason when we’re driving in the car and there’s a lull in the conversation. I tell them when they’ve done something that makes me smile. I tell them as I kiss away their tears.

“I love you” is spoken when I find myself remembering I love them, like when they sing a really sweet song or turn into complete goof-balls making me laugh. And I especially love saying “I love you” when I got one of my kids all to myself, cuddled on the couch, no reason at all, and I can just whisper it quietly in their ear like it’s our little secret.

But, while I may tell my kids that I love them more than the average parent, I know that most parents tell their kids they love them, too. And I bet if we took a large group of kids and asked them how they know their mom loves them, many of them would say, “because she tells me.”

When I taught third grade, I had a girl in my class who it turned out was being horrifically sexually abused by her dad. Fortunately, the dad was easily convicted and sent to jail. While the rest of us were jumping for joy, my sweet student began grieving. She would stay after school and tell me how much she missed her dad. She would tell me she loved him. And despite all the things this man did to his little girl, my student would tell me how much her dad loved her. Because, even children who are abused believe at some level that their parents love them. Unfortunately, their understanding of a parent’s love for their child is twisted and distorted.

I have even worked with many families who tell their kids they love them maybe once or twice a day at the routine times, possibly more given the circumstances. But when I ask their kids why do your parents love you, they get stuck, or they’ll tell me because they’re supposed to, or because their parents feed them and take care of them.

Knowing this. Seeing this. It motivates me with own my kids.

I want my kids to know that I love them not just because I’m their mom and all moms love their kids. I don’t want my kids to know that I love them just because I tell them. I don’t want my kids to know I love them because I take care of them and buy them things and keep them safe. All of these do show them to some degree that I love them. But I want them to know I love them because they are lovable human beings. That it is them as a unique person that I love.

I love their blue eyes and blond hair and their little belly buttons. I love Nate’s soft high-pitched laugh. I could listen to it all day. I love Isabella’s enthusiasm for knowledge and how excited she gets when she learns something new. I love watching them play together and being loving and caring toward each other. I love their hearts and how they want to share and care for others. I love watching Isabella swing and the look of pure happiness as she goes higher and higher. I love how Nate is so much a boy in so many ways but loves more than anyone to give hugs and kisses and to just cuddle. These are the things I also tell them all the time. The specifics. The “why” behind my love. So there’s never a doubt that I love my kids, and there’s never an assumption that I love them because I have to.

I love Isabella because I love Isabella. I love Nate because I love Nate. And I want to make sure that my kids know that my love for them is more than just a mom loving her kids. And my hope is that if Isabella had to give more than just a quick answer to the question “How do you know your mom loves you?” she would be able to say so much more than “because she keeps telling me.”

Dangers of Parental Disagreement

In a previous post, I told the story of how our lamp shade got broken ( read You Break It, You Pay For It). After giving us $4 from his coin bank, Nate had decided that he wanted to try to sell some of his toys to pay the remaining amount of his half for the new shade.

The other day, we were doing a run to Goodwill to drop off some items we had cleaned out of the garage. I told the kids that I would pay them a dollar for every toy they wanted to give away mentioning that this could be money used toward buying Christmas presents for friends or, in Nate’s case, to pay off the remaining $3 balance on the lamp shade.

Nate raced up the stairs and came down with his large Tonka Dump Truck and proceeded to take it outside where his dad was loading up the car. I could overhear the following conversation:

Dad: What are you doing with that?
Nate: I’m giving this away.
Dad: No. You don’t need to give that away. That’s your good truck.
Nate: But Mom’s going to give me a dollar for it.

Seconds later my husband came inside. “Why are you letting him give this away?” my husband asked.

I explained to him what I told the kids.

My husband did not think this was a good idea. “He plays with this truck. We could go upstairs and clean out a ton of toys that they actually don’t play with and give those away. It doesn’t make any sense to give away toys that they play with.”

I totally saw his point. On the other hand, I argued that the toy must not be that important to him if he was so willing to give it away for a dollar. Besides, they had so many toys that I actually didn’t care which ones they got rid of.

My husband and I went back and forth on this until finally I agreed that we’d hold off on the toys until we could spend more time really helping the kids think about which toys they wanted to give away.

Fast forward to yesterday. I was asking Nate to do something for me that he was reluctant to do. Before the power struggle I knew was coming began, I reminded Nate that he needed to listen to Mommy.

It was almost as if he was waiting for the cue. He looked up at me and said, “I don’t always have to listen to you.”

“Oh yes you do, Nate,” I responded.

“But sometimes I only have to listen to Dad and not to you,” he retorted.

“What are you talking about? Mom and Dad are a team and you need to listen to both of us. What Dad says and what I say are the same.”

And then Nate brought up the incident with the truck reminding me that what I had said didn’t mean anything and that Dad was the one who got to decide what to do with the truck in the end.

I work with dozens of couples helping them parent more effectively as a team. One of the major things I always emphasize with them is that you never disagree with each other in front of the kids. If there is disagreement, you always go into another location away from the kids to work it out so that you can come back out as a united front.

Even when it’s a small disagreement like taking a truck to Goodwill.

The fact that my husband disagreed on what should be done with the toys was not the problem. It’s OK that we disagreed. And our discussion was not the problem. We argued back and forth on the issue and came to a mutual agreement that worked for both of us. The problem was that we did all of that in front of the kids leaving the impression that Dad “won” and therefore must have more authority than Mom even though that is not the case. If we had had our same discussion in private and then I came out telling Nate that Mommy and Daddy have changed our minds and we’ve decided to wait until we can go through your toys together, it would have changed the perception of who was really in charge for Nate. He would have seen us more as a united team than two opposing sides battling for a win.

Thank you Nate for reminding me of this.

How good are you and your spouse at keeping your parenting disagreements private? Do your kids see you as a united front or opposing sides? What can the two of you do better?

You Break It,You Pay For It

Nate and Isabella were having a lot of fun wrestling yesterday. I love how they love each other. They are such great friends. But last night their “fun” was getting a little close to the bookshelf and floor lamp. I stopped them twice to remind them to be careful and aware of where they were.

“We’re being careful, Mom!” they sang.

Moments later, there was a crash. Isabella had plunged into the floor lamp and grabbed onto the lampshade to try to catch herself. Instead, her weight and momentum just ripped the lampshade off its stand leaving a small piece dangling from the wire frame and exposing the brightly burning bulb.

My two kids froze. They stared at me waiting to hear what I was going to say. They knew they were in trouble.

Yelling at them would not fix my broken lampshade. Neither would sending them both to time out or taking away desert. We now needed a new lampshade, and my kids are always in need of opportunities to learn logical consequences.

“Bummer, you guys,” I said. “You’re both going to have to buy a new lampshade for that lamp.” They both looked at me dumbfounded. I don’t think they expected that. I explained to them that the shade would cost anywhere between $15 and $20 which meant that they would each need to come up with about $10.

Isabella broke into a wail. “I don’t haaaaaavvvvveeee $10!” The tears flowed along with, “Mom, it was just an accident! It was not on purpose!”

I let them know that I knew it was an accident. I reminded them that I was worried an accident might happen which is why I cautioned them to watch what they were doing. They weren’t in trouble. But we did need our lampshade back.

I reminded them of the time I was in a car accident. Though it was an accident, it was also my fault because I wasn’t watching what I was doing. I had to pay to get my car fixed and the other person’s car fixed. Even if it’s an accident, we still need to fix our mistakes.
“But I have no money!” Isabella continued.

I gave them some ideas. They could use the money they had in their coin banks. They could do some chores that Daddy and I would pay them for. Or they could sell some of their toys (I would help them post them on Craig’s List).

True to Nate’s character, he accepted his consequences and immediately trotted upstairs to find toys to sell.

Isabella stayed to argue some more.

“Isabella, look at me,” I said. “I know you’re disappointed. I know you wish it hadn’t happened. But look at my face. I am not going to change my mind. You will need to figure out how to pay for the lampshade by this weekend.”

It was over. Isabella stopped arguing.

Nate is almost five and Isabella is only seven, so I will help them along the way in getting their money. If they choose chores, I will pay them generously for the things I ask them to do. If they sell toys, I will help them gather toys that will get them at least $10. I will help them count the coins in their coin jar. But I won’t let them off the hook.

I am thankful that they get opportunities to learn lessons of responsibility like this. And this logical consequence will have a bigger impact on their future behavior than anything else I could have done.

Plus, I get a new lamp shade.

You Are a Good Parent

Today I want to encourage you.

You are not a terrible parent. In fact, I know you are a good parent because you are seeking out ways to become better at what you do with your kids. You came searching for solutions to things you're struggling with. Or you knew this blog was here and came to read what it had to say because you want to soak up as many parenting ideas as possible. You know you don't have all the answers. You know that there is no such thing as a perfect parent (except for our Divine Father...which is a whole other blog post). And because you know this, you want to learn more ways to be better at this parenting job of yours. You love your kids and you want what's best for them. And a good parent like you knows that since you're one of the most important influences in your child's life, they deserve the best from you.

And yet, if you're like many of the parents I come across, you feel like you're a terrible parent because you don't know all the answers to your parenting questions. Your kids do frustrate you. You get angry at them. You find yourself at a lost for how to deal with those recurring behaviors. There are times you feel like you are completely out of control and it overwhelms you. And because you feel this way, you feel like you're failing. Or you feel guilty because the only thing you know what to do in such situations are things you swore you'd never do.

You are not a terrible parent. You just don't know what to do instead.

Read those two sentences again.

The love we feel for our children, the desire to protect them, our desire to be the best parent possible for them, these things are innate. How we carry these things out practically is not. Parenting skills are learned. Most of us have not been taught great parenting skills. Many of us were actually taught very poor parenting skills. How you parent your own kids was taught to you primarily by those who parented you. And even though you swore you would never yell like your mother or give in like your father, when all else fails and you don't know what else to do, you find yourself falling back on what you DO know and doing the things you saw your own parents do in similar situations.

This is good news. It means you are not a bad parent. You just do what you know how to do.

This is good news because how you parent is a learned behavior.

This is good news because you can learn something different. You can learn more skills. You can learn to be a better parent. You can learn parenting strategies that actually work so you don't have to get so angry. You don't have to yell. You can actually feel successful in your parenting. And when you keep learning new and better strategies and commit yourself to putting them into practice it won't be long before you realize what I knew about you from the beginning.

You are good parent.

Homework Strategies Part 2

So you got your homework bin all set up, right? If not, read the previous post.

Here are some more tips that I do with my kids to make getting their homework done less of a battle each night.

First, it is not a requirement that they get their homework done as soon as they get home before they can do anything else. Yes, I know. That's a common rule among parents. Get it done and over with, right? But I know how I feel after a long day at work. The last thing I want to do when I get home is go right back to work-related tasks. School is like a day at work for kids. Just like me, kids need some decompression time. So, I give them about 30 - 45 minutes of play and snack time before getting them going on homework.

Once the "chill out" time is done, all homework and piano practice need to be completed before the TV comes back on or playtime starts again. On days when there are extra-curricular activities the same rule still applies. My kids are learning that the activities they've chosen may cause nighttime playtime to be limited. I say they're learning this because they still try protesting sometimes when a late soccer practice leads to late dinner which leads to getting homework completed right when it's time to start getting ready for bed meaning no TV or playtime that night. On days like this, my kids can always choose to shorten their down time after school and get going on their homework right away to allow for more playtime later. This is always a choice for them. I never require it except for the rare situation when I know there will not be time to do homework later if they don't get started right away.

When it's time to get going on homework, we pull out the homework bin, their assignments and we all get to work. That's right. I stay involved and do their homework with them. That's probably the biggest factor in our success. I don't do the work for them. I ask questions and have them "teach" me what they are supposed to do. And sometimes I have them do several problems or pieces of their work by themselves and then I check it over. But I view homework time as family time. I stay in the room with them (and my husband, too when he's here), helping them along until homework is completed.

I work with many parents who want their kids to get going on homework on their own so they can get back to doing whatever they were doing or disappear into the kitchen to make dinner. Many parents complain that the battles with their kids are usually over getting their kids to "go do" their homework and are frustrated that every time they walk back into the room, their kids aren't doing their work, are messing around, or playing. Parents are frustrated with the attention getting behaviors such as the melt downs, the "I can't do this", and the sibling battles, all behaviors designed to get you back into the room. By staying in the room and involved to begin with, many if not all of these behaviors get eliminated.

Here's why I encourage parents to do this even with their Jr. High and High School students. First, once school starts, the amount of time we get to see and interact with our kids greatly decreases. During the week, I see my kids about five hours total each day, and that's on the days that they don't have piano, soccer practice or swimming. And whether our kids admit it to us or not, they miss us during the day, too. Children desire attention from their parents. Yes, even those older kiddos. Since homework is inevitable and unavoidable, I first view homework as an opportunity to spend time with my kids. Being a great parent is not always convenient from my perspective. I agree that it is a pain to juggle getting dinner together or my baby cared for while helping my two older kids with their homework. But I try to figure out the multi-tasking because it is important for me to spend time with the kids I haven't seen all day however I can.

Second, and most obviously, by staying involved in their homework I am able to stay aware of what they are doing in school and how well they are doing academically. I can be a better support to my child's learning when I know the topics they're covering and the areas they need to keep practicing.

There have been a couple times so far that my kids have not completed their homework despite all I have tried to do to set them up for success (admittedly, we are only in our second year of doing homework. I know the incidences will most likely increase over the years to come). In these cases, they get sent to school without their homework done and must explain to their teacher why this happened. Literally, they have to explain to their teacher why they didn't do their homework. I follow up with the teacher to make sure it was done and support any natural consequences that come from the teacher for not having homework turned in.

By staying consistent with our homework routine and expectations, homework time goes smoothly. While my kids often don't enjoy having to do more schoolwork at home, they do enjoy the attention and time they get from me and my husband during this time.

This topic usually brings up lots of frustrations and questions. What questions do you have? What's working and not working for you? Let me know by commenting below and let's discuss possible solutions.

Money Well Spent

Five minutes. Not very long. But five minutes of pure joy. For five minutes your child is nothing but happy and free. The largest smile spread across their face. Giggles and other gleeful noises that you hardly ever hear in any other circumstance come out of their mouths. To top it off, their sheer joy overflows into you. For five minutes, you join in your child's happiness. You laugh like you haven't laughed in a long time, and you smile so big and for so long that your face actually hurts at the end of it. And if that wasn't enough, it's not just an experience for you and your child, but your whole family. Your spouse is beside you having the same experience, and your other children are jumping up and down with excitement, too. The experience only lasts five minutes. But it's wonderful. How much is that experience worth? How much would you pay for it?

Kids are quick to want to spend money on just about anything. One minute they just got to have that sparkly bouncy ball. Another minute they want some cheap plastic toy that you know will get played with once or twice. They totally think spending $5 to jump in a jumpy castle is totally worth it. In contrast, I am slow to spend money. I think about how much money is being spent each day. When I do go to spend money, I weigh the value of the item with the cost. I try to find good deals on good quality. Above all, I want my kids to understand the value of money and to not have a sense of entitlement.

But there it was. The trampoline and the bungee chords. Both my kids' eyes got wide and I knew what was coming. Of course it's what they sooooooo wanted to do. Next came the "please, Mom can we do it?" I knew the cost to jump a few minutes extra high on a trampoline was probably going to be ridiculous, but I said I would at least see how much tickets were. Ten dollars a ticket. $20 for both my kids to jump on a trampoline. My immediate reaction was no. It did look like a lot of fun, but I did not think that was the best use of money. My kids could tell that they were probably not going to get to do it. I could see their acceptance of this as they settled for watching other kids jump instead, imagining what it must be like.

Then my husband called the kids over. He pulled out his wallet and gave them each $20. He explained to them that when he went on family vacations as a little boy, his dad would give him and his sister $20 to spend however they want. He wanted to continue that tradition with his kids. But he warned them that when their money was gone, it was gone, so choose wisely how they spend it.

He had barely completed his speech when they both blurted out, "We want to do the trampoline!" I wanted to continue the lecture about choosing wisely how to spend your money, but my husband stopped me reminding me that it was now their money and they can spend it how they want. I'm blessed to have my husband. He's a great dad and helped me remember that letting them learn how to spend money on their own is good parenting, too.

My kids, having excitedly purchased their tickets stepped up to take their turn on the trampoline. Nate went first.

Listen carefully. Can you hear the high-pitched "WEEEE" with every jump?

Isabella went next. She's more of a daredevil than her brother and wanted to make the most of her experience. You see her here trying out flipping. What you don't see is her later being a goofball and trying out different poses each time she flew into the sky. She had all of us laughing hysterically.

But if you can, watch the videos again and listen to my husband and me. We're having a blast, too. In fact, when we were reflecting on our favorite thing we did all weekend, we both picked watching the kids on the trampoline. Who knew?

I learned a valuable lesson this weekend. I learned to not be so quick to dismiss a potential opportunity for my kids to experience something fun. I'm not saying that I should instead let my kids do every fun thing that catches their eye. And I'm not saying that I always have to spend money to allow my kids to experience joy. But I realized that sometimes it is worth the money to allow my kids to experience something exciting and new. When I spend most of my time trying to watch how our money gets spent, it's easy to forget this.

I have to admit that we were so excited when the next day, both kids wanted to spend their last $10 to jump again. Because I was wrong. The $10 per ticket to jump extra high on a trampoline was a good use of money. In reality, it was a great deal. Each ticket provided an amazing super-fun experience that will remain a great family memory for 4 people (and a baby. Samantha got a kick out of all the excitement, too).

$40 was spent in all to jump on a trampoline. But it was definitely $40 well spent.

Isabella, day 2

Barefoot and Mismatched Socks

My kids have been in school now for two weeks. The first week of school came with a bit of grace from me. I remember as a kid the adjustment from lazy summer morning "routine" to up-and-at-'em-no-messing-around school morning routine. So, I offered more reminders than usual about how much time they had before we were leaving and let them run back into the house to grab their backpack after we had all already piled into the van to leave. For the first week I gave instruction on how to manage their time more effectively in the future. We had discussions on the way to school over what was slowing us down in the morning and what we could do to solve that. I offered extra help in the effort to get them back into a school-morning rhythm.

Overall, in two weeks my kids have done a great job getting back into a morning routine. Each morning I come downstairs around 8:00 to my kids on the couch watching their morning PBS programs and set them into motion with getting dressed, eating breakfast and gathering all their stuff for school. We've been able to leave by 8:40 almost every day with 8:45 being the latest. Getting two kids and a baby out the door in 40 minutes is something I'm very proud of. =)

I'd like to say that in addition to not being late for school (yet), our journey to school is relaxed and full of joy. We have had some of those journeys, even within the past two weeks. But most mornings we enter into the school drive with frustrations lingering. The biggest culprit has been shoes and socks.

Such simple things, shoes. Mine are always kept by the front door. I take them off and leave them there first thing when I walk into the house so they're there to put on as I get ready to leave.

Socks. I have a drawer just for those warm little feet huggers. Several pairs reside in those drawers so that I always have a pair to pull out in time of need.

It seems so simple. So easy. Which is why it drive me CRAZY that almost every morning there is this frantic dash around the house looking for clean socks and finding the partner to a lonely shoe.

I've taught the kids my system. Apparently they don't like it because they don't use it.

I've given them a "heads up" for how much time they have before we leave so if they need socks and shoes they'd have plenty of time to solve that problem before we head out the door. Apparently they think I'm just stating the time for my benefit and that somehow some household magic (that hasn't existed any other day at our house by the way) will magically place two clean socks and matched shoes on their feet as we walk out the door.

So, yesterday I told them that tomorrow I was not going to wait around for shoes and socks to be found. At 8:40 everyone was getting in the van for school whether they had the right clothing on their feet or not.

Today, at 8:30 I told the kids we were leaving in 10 minutes and to make sure they had all their stuff and their shoes and socks on. At 8:39, I put the baby in her car seat, turned off the TV, grabbed my keys and announced, "Everyone in the car! Time to go!" My two kids went scrambling for their shoes. Isabella couldn't find socks. Nate actually had his shoes and socks sitting beside him but he didn't have them on. I pulled out my "bummer" phrase to them and told them "It's not my problem. Get in the car." And I walked out of the house to the van.

Isabella grab the first two socks she could find (dirty and mismatched). Nate walked out barefoot with his shoes and socks in his hand.

You'd think the story ends here. Except Nate, in his ultimate wisdom, chose not to put his shoes and socks on in the car. Don't ask. I have no idea what his little brain was thinking. As we pulled up to school and got ready to get out, Nate began whining that he didn't have his shoes on yet.
"Bummer," I said. "Your bell's about to ring and you need to get inside. You're going to have to go in barefoot. Hopefully your teacher will let you put your shoes on in the classroom." Nate did not like that at all, complaining that his feet hurt and the grass was wet the whole way into the building. The best part of this story was that his teacher, after hearing from me why her cute blond-headed student didn't have his shoes on, picked right up where I left off and sat him in the back of the classroom to put his shoes on before he could sit down in circle time.

I love allowing my kids to learn through natural consequences especially when I have taught them ahead of time how to avoid the consequence. We can't make our kids do anything. And sometimes we have to allow them the opportunity to choose to learn a life lesson the natural way instead of our way. I've found that sometimes this is the most effective teacher.

So, hopefully tomorrow when I say, "We're leaving in 10 minutes, get your shoes and socks on," my children will take me a little more seriously. Because at 8:40, we're getting in the car whether they're ready or not. And maybe, just maybe, they will have two clean socks and a pair of shoes on their feet.

Ending the Arguing

Kids argue with us because they believe that as long as they keep our attention on the issue they have a chance to win. Obviously, if we ever give into our kids once they've started arguing with us, because they've worn us down or even because we've change our mind, we've only confirmed for them that arguing works, at least sometimes. If it works sometimes, then EVERYTIME they will give it a shot that THIS will be one of those "sometimes".

If you're like me, you probably HATE it when your kids start to argue with you when you've given your answer on an issue. So here's what I do to avoid the arguing:

When I see my kids are about to start arguing an issue I immediately look them strait in the eye and very calmly but firmly say, "I've given you my answer. I am not going to change my mind." This lets them know that it's not worth continuing with the discussion. Usually, this ends it (to their dismay) because I also try to be very consistent. They know that once I say this their chances are over. I love that "I'm not going to change my mind" phrase. It let's them know right away that it's not worth continuing on.

However, there are times when they test me, as children are designed to do. If they try to argue once I've told them I'm not changing my mind, then I offer them their choice.

"Now you are arguing. You can stop right now or you can take a time out for arguing. What's your choice?"

And then it's important to immediately follow through. A protest or continuing to argue means they've made their choice to take the time out. Not allowing an argument to go a sentence past "I'm not going to change my mind" and then consistently following through has stopped many potential arguing episodes with my kids.

But I have been teaching my kids something else. Sometimes they do have a good point and I have jumped to my final answer too quickly. If my children calmly come back talking like a "big boy" or "big girl" and present their case for my reconsideration, I will listen to them. Sometimes, they present good arguments and I will change my mind. Sometimes I will thank them for politely talking to me and that I'm very proud of them for doing so, but my answer is still "no". And sometimes we negotiate. I am OK with teaching them that sometimes they can get me to change my mind if they actually TALK to me. In my opinion, this is a good life skill to teach them. How many times in our adult lives do we need to change some one's mind? But we're more likely to be successful if we talk to the person rather than argue with them, right?

Try using the "I'm not going to change my mind" line, or your variation ("I've given you my final answer", "I've heard you, and my answer is 'no," etc.) with your kids and stick with it. Then, let me know how it works for you!

A Healing Touch

A long exhausting day with my baby. Samantha wants to be held more than my other two children ever did. I'm lucky if she'll let me put her down for more than 10 minutes. I've tried putting her in a sling so that she can feel held and I can still get things done. Sometimes she gives into me and puts up with the sling, but usually she protests.

Samantha cries a lot, too. Some of it is because she's still weeks old and it's completely normal for her to cry as much as she does. Some of it is because her tummy hurts as she seems to be suffering from acid reflux like her older sister did. Some of it is just her personality and she just likes to let you know when she doesn't like something. But whatever the reason, it wears me out physically and emotionally.

Until, around 9:00 at night, she settles down as her body prepares for her night of sleep. She becomes quiet and still. Her body gets heavy. There's a gentleness that comes over her. She even seems to smell sweeter. My husband offers to take her from me to give me a break. But I refuse. There is something healing in this moment. As I hold her against my chest and rest my check on the top of her little head I feel myself falling in love with her all over again. I hold her tighter soaking in every moment with her. All the stress and tiredness from the day melt away. I sense that they melt away for Samantha, too. We rest. We forgive. We enjoy being together. Mother and baby are bonded.

A story like this probably doesn't come as much of a surprise to you, especially if you're a mom. Even before our babies were born we see adds and read articles all emphasizing the importance of touch in creating bonds with your baby. But let me share a different story with you.

It has been a long exhausting day. Nate has had two time outs and one long temper tantrum in his room. I feel like I have been nagging him all day to clean up his messes, to stop picking on his older sister, to listen, to talk to me in a different way, to stop whining. It's 6:00 in the evening and I've just had another confrontation with him. I see his little face look defeated. He's on the verge of tears as he realizes he once again has not lived up to his mother's expectations. But this time I pause. I sense there is a division between the two of us that keeps getting bigger. My mother's heart wants to reach out to my son.

This time I do hand Samantha over to my husband. And instead of dealing out a consequence, I tell Nate to come to me. I lift up all 45 pounds of my big boy and hold him. Not just a hug, but hold him against my chest. I place my cheek on the top of his head and soak in the feeling of my little boy wrapped around me. Gradually, I feel the stress and tiredness of my day with Nate melt away. I feel Nate's body relax, too. I rub his back and stroke his hair and I whisper, "I love you, Bud," into his ear. We rest. We forgive. I fall in love with my little boy all over again. A healing moment. Mother and baby are bonded.

I am convinced that the healing and bonding power of touch does not end with our children once they stop being babies. Try it with your own children...even your older ones...and see if I'm right.

My Child Knows the "F" Word

"Mom, sometimes I get so mad at my friends that I want to say the "S" word."

I about spit out my dinner. The statement seemed to come out of nowhere and was not something I expected to hear from my little girl. But I tried to remain calm.

"What do you know about the 'S' word?" I inquired.

Isabella hesitated. I could tell she was carefully thinking about whether she could say it to me or not. Eventually, she decided it was safe enough to say the forbidden "S" word aloud. "Stupid," she blurted out. "Sometimes I just want to use that word, Mom."

My heart started beating again. I let out a deep sigh of relief that my child still held onto some of her innocence. Stupid. Of course that's the "S' word. Of course that's a word you shouldn't use with your friends, even when you're mad at them. Isabella agreed, relieved that I wasn't mad at her for saying the dreaded word.

We talked for awhile about friendships and how they can be challenging sometimes. We brainstormed some other things we could say to our friends when we get so mad that we want to say the "S" word. It was a great conversation, really. And just when I thought we were wrapping it up, and I was feeling good about how well I handled that whole interaction, Isabella says, "And I won't say the 'F'' word either. That's a bad word, too. Right, Mom?"

My head raced. "F" word? What harmless first-grade put down is the "F" word? I cautiously asked, "What do you know about the 'F'' word?"

Isabella was confident this time. She didn't hesitate since she had been able to safely say the "S" word without getting in trouble. So she just matter-of-factly said it. Only it was the "F" word. The true "F-Bomb".

I couldn't believe I was hearing the word coming out of my sweet little girl's mouth. Where did she hear it? I was absolutely positive she never heard it from me or my husband. I am not much of a swearer myself and my husband is great about not using foul language at home. I couldn't hide some of my shock on this one. "Isabella. That is a word we never say. That is a very bad word. Where did you hear that word?"

"At school," she replied. "But my teacher said it was a bad word and we shouldn't say it." Right. School. Quickly I reminded myself of all the positive reasons why I send my children to school and of the words Tim Kimmel says in his book Grace Based Parenting...that we can't protect our kids from everything in this world. I try to remember it's better to let kids encounter things and feel safe to talk about them with their parents than to hide the world from them so they won't know how to interact with it appropriately when it's eventually revealed to them anyway.

Learning the "F' word was going to happen sooner or later, and I shouldn't be surprised that it happened at school. I was just hoping it would have been introduced a little later. Yet here was my daughter wanting to know what the word meant and why you can't say it.

How do you explain the "F" word without opening a whole bunch of topics that my 6 1/2-year-old wasn't quite ready for? So, I told her that it basically means "disrespecting some one's body." Not a perfect answer, I know. But it was enough to satisfy her since she knows it is a big deal to disrespect someone. We then talked about how words are just words but that there are some words people have decided are more hurtful and powerful than others. The "F" word was one of these words. It is one of the worst words you can say. And it's a yucky word. Some people think they look cooler or tougher when they use it. But we don't need that word to be cool or tough. We have other words we can use that don't hurt others and aren't yucky to say. Fortunately, Isabella was satisfied.

You might be interested in hearing how the word actually came up at Isabella's school. Apparently, they were learning a new word family one day. It was the "UCK" family. Isabella's teacher asked the class to come up with all the words they could think of that ended in "UCK". If you've ever been around a new reader, you know that they just take the ending given and start working their way through the alphabet. Buck. Cuck. Duck. You get the idea. After laughing hard at the image of Isabella's teacher panicking over 22 kindergartners stumbling on the "UCK" word that starts with "F", I again breathed a smaller sigh, but a sigh all the same, of relief that there was still some innocence left in my daughter.

Pick Up Your Toys or I Will

I didn't have time to argue. The baby had been crying and I was just sitting down to nurse her. We had friends coming over in about 30 minutes. Nate's toys, that were strewn all over the floor and stairs, needed to be picked up.

I asked him once to please pick up his things. He immediately developed some rare condition that causes his legs not to work and he complained that he couldn't walk. Going through the effort of a time out was not an option at this point.

So I told Nate that he had until I was done nursing Samantha to pick up all of his things. Anything that wasn't picked up by the time I was finished was going to go into a bag. Nate chose to cry the entire time while I nursed instead of picking anything up.

So, when I was done, I went to the kitchen and got a big plastic Target bag. I dramatically shook it open for Nate to hear (which made him wail all the more) and quickly swept through the room picking up everything I saw and placing it in the bag. In went about 20 toy cars, his favorite Mac truck, his brand new coin sorter that held over $7 of saved coins, some Star Wars figures and ships, and a pair of shoes. It took me about three minutes to collect it all and store the bag in a place I knew Nate would not find it.

The main goal for me was to get the toys picked up so our guests could come over. The consequence of Nate not doing it himself needed to be more of an inconvenience to him than me. Me picking up his toys was just that, for these were some of his very favorite possessions. And now they were all gone.

Nate of course wanted them back and promised he'd put them all away "right now". I of course said, "No" because he didn't listen to me when I asked him to do it the first time. And since I had to pick up all of the toys, they were now mine.

"Where are they?" he cried.

"Sorry, bud," I calmly replied. "I put them in a bag and I'll decide what to do with them. They're mine now so don't worry about it." By staying calm and matter-of-fact, Nate got the message right away that there was nothing he could do to change the situation.

Fast forward to the next day. I needed help getting ready for dinner. I asked Nate to help clean off the table for me, putting some of the dishes that were left behind into the sink (some not even his), and then to wipe down the table so we could eat at it. He did it right away without even complaining. When he was finished I said, "Nate, thank you so much for your help and for doing it right away. That was great! I'd like to thank you by letting you pick something out of the bag I collected yesterday."

Nate's eye's lit up as he carefully picked out one item from the bag (his coin counter. Good choice). He was so excited to be able to rescue one of his possessions. And he felt good that he got it unexpectedly for being a good listener.

In the days that have followed, I have looked for opportunities when he's being a good listener to "thank him" by letting him pick out another item from the bag. I don't bribe him with the bag first by saying something like "if you do this you can get something from the bag" because I don't want him listening just so he can get something. Rather, I want him to listen whether he gets something for it or not. He never knows when I'm going to offer a chance to pick an item from the bag.

This has been a great consequence as it has accomplished two things. First, it allows me to regularly reinforce in a positive way the listening skills that I want Nate to improve on. Secondly, he has been much quicker to pick up his things the first time I ask. =)

Let Me Hold You Longer

It has been three weeks since my last post. Laying beside me, sound asleep (finally), is my new sweet baby girl, Samantha Caroline.

When she was born, she was 8 pounds 5.7 ounces and 20.5 inches. Definitely a good-sized baby but still so tiny.

Samantha Caroline Wood born June 17th 5:06pm

I held her and touched her and explored her little features and smelled her and loved her. So tiny. So sweet. So new.

And then my two older children came into the room to see me and meet their new little sister. Let me rephrase that. GIANTS came into my room to see me and their new sister. Oh my gosh! My 4 1/2 and 6 1/2-year olds were so huge! It took my breath away. It sounds weird to say, but I almost didn't recognize them. It was hard to get my mind around the fact that these were my babies, too. Only, they weren't babies anymore. They were big kids even though both of them started out tiny like Samantha was now. What happened? When did they get so big?

Tomorrow, June 8th Samantha will be three weeks old. When I hold her, I can't believe how big she has already gotten. She weighs almost two pounds more than she did when she was born and is almost three inches longer. And I want her to stop.

I think the thing that most first-time moms are told the most through their pregnancy and first year of parenthood is, "It goes by so fast. Enjoy it while you can." I'm sure most first-time moms are like I was. The months of interrupted sleep seemed to never end. Time did not seem to go by fast as I just tried to get through one day after another. In the midst of my exhaustion and frustrations and just plain operating in new-mom survival mode, hearing "it goes by so fast" came in one ear and out the other...until I walked my daughter up to her classroom on her first day of kindergarten.

When my son was born, I had him and a two-year-old. While I wasn't as stressed about how to parent him as I was with my first, I now was always on the go. My son came along for the ride as I shuttled my daughter to preschool, playgroups, and my work-related appointments. Regretfully, once again, I was just mostly getting through each day. This fall, my son will be attending school full-time five days a week. He's so big. Where did the time go?

And so, as I hold Samantha, I tell her to "stop it!" Stop growing so fast. I'll take the exhaustion, and the sleepless nights, and the wanting to nurse every two hours during the day, and the gazillion poopy diapers to just hang on a little longer to this infancy stage. Because it's gone so fast. I already see it slipping away. And I'll never experience this stage again as a mother (99% sure of that).

I do look forward to each new stage my children will go through. I can't wait until Samantha is old enough to talk so I can get to know her in a deeper way and begin to see who she really is going to be as a person. It will be fun to see Nate develop new friendships and grow academically and emotionally next year and see what new qualities this brings out in him. And I'm enjoying watching Isabella emerge into a full-blown school-aged girl that includes deeper conversations and being able to participate in more "grown-up" activities with me.

But, I also want to try to live in the moment more with my children and enjoy where they're at. Because while every stage will come with it's own set of challenges that I won't miss saying good-bye to, each one also has very special and unique qualities that I will miss once my kids grow out of them.

Karen Kingsbury wrote a great children's book that every parent should read. She begins her book "Let Me Hold You Longer" like this:

Long ago you came to me,
a miracle of firsts:
First smiles and teeth and baby steps,
a sunbeam on the burst.
But one day you will move away
and leave to me your past,
And I will be left thinking of a lifetime of your lasts...

Whether you're a first-time parent or a veteran, will you join me in an effort to more intentionally focus on and appreciate the stages that our children are in now? You can start by commenting below on what you love about the stage your child(ren) are in now.

Kids and Media

It comes up all the time in parenting conversations. What is OK for our kids to watch on TV and movies? Do we let them play video games and on the computer?

This is a huge topic with lots to be addressed in the discussion. I could probably write a book just on this (maybe I will someday). But for now, let me just briefly share how I address this with my kids.

To start with, my husband and I have developed a set of values that are the foundation for everything we do regarding our kids. These values are the things that we have decided are most important to us as a family and that we want our children to possess as adults. For us it’s things like loving and caring for others, respecting ourselves and others, and not using violence to solve problems.

We also are aware of the developmental and cognitive abilities of our children. For instance, kids are slow to develop abstract thinking, a skill that doesn’t really set in until around age 10. And preschoolers and early elementary-aged children still struggle with making the distinction between reality and fantasy.

Additionally, we’re aware that one of the ways kids learn what we value and what is important to us is by observing where we spend our time. If we say it is important to us to love and care for others but then spend a significant amount of time watching movies or playing video games where this isn’t the case, we’re sending a mixed message to our kids. We can’t fool ourselves that kids will be able to believe us when we say it’s not OK to solve our problems by hitting but then have them watch us be regularly entertained by people duking it out or shooting each other. So, we are very conscious of what we allow our kids to see us paying attention to.

With our standards in place and keeping in mind how our kids are learning, it becomes easier to make decisions about all our various parenting practices including what kinds of media to expose our kids to.

My husband and I are very careful when choosing what movies, video games and books our kids can watch and read and try to eliminate those that are strong in the behaviors we don’t want our kids to model. We don’t want to teach our children that violence and foul language and promiscuous behavior is appropriate, entertaining, and acceptable at any time.

That being said, even classic fairy tales have elements of violence and instances of not caring for others. We can’t possibly (and don’t want to) eliminate every single movie, game, or book from our children’s lives. We don’t want to raise sheltered children. This means that most of the time we have to be very involved in the media that our kids are interacting with so that we can address any behavior that goes against our values as a family. And if we don’t want to be involved, or don’t have time to be, then we flat out won’t allow them to watch or play or read that particular title at that time.

Here’s a recent example of how I stayed involved in the media my kids were watching. Last week I took the kids to see Disney Pixar’s ”UP” (great movie by the way). But there were several instances throughout the movie that went against our family values. Instead of packing up the kids and “rescuing them,” I actively stayed engaged throughout the movie, ready to answer their questions and searching for teachable moments. At one point I whispered to them, “That wasn’t very nice, was it?” when the old man whacked another guy in the head causing him to bleed. And then pointed out to my kids the consequence the old man received as a result of his behavior. We also processed together many of the events of the movie on the way home. I didn’t just leave it at “did you like the movie?”

In case you’re also wondering, I do let my kids play on the computer. They are allowed on NickJr.com, Playhouse Disney, and PBS kids, three sites that I know are fun, educational and I feel comfortable enough about the material that I don’t feel I always have to stay fully involved when my kids are playing there. Any other sites they visit are only when I am sitting there with them. Now that she’s starting to grow out of the younger preschool sites, my school-aged daughter and I are gradually exploring other sites that she can visit that I will eventually feel comfortable enough to let her play on without me right beside her.

As for video games, we have a Wii and they play Mario Kart and the various sports games we have. We introduced them to Star Wars by letting them play Lego Star Wars, originally playing with them. But that’s about it for now.

They can watch PBS on TV anytime when I’m not in the room. And Qubo on Saturday mornings. All other programs they ask permission to watch or watch with a parent.

And if you’re wondering about toy guns in our house, we do have water guns and Jedi Light Sabers. The rule is we cannot shoot or kill people even in play. They can shoot monsters and robots, but not people. We explain to them regularly that we don’t even pretend to hurt people and we don’t find people getting hurt entertaining.

However, we also regularly watch The Simpsons with our kids (switching the channel briefly when Itchy and Scratchy come on). We have watched with them Star Wars movies 3, 4, and 5. And while the majority of the time we listen to Way FM in the mini van, my daughter’s two favorite songs are”Root Down” by the Beastie Boys and “Holiday” by Greenday. Nate likes Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” and Rihanna’s “Please Don’t Stop the Music”.

Like I said at the beginning, this is a big topic and there is plenty more to be said about it. Let’s chew on this much for now. What would you like to see addressed on this topic in the future? What questions do you have? Leave a comment below.

Is Anyone Else Doing That?

It's important that we provide our kids instruction on appropriate behavior in a variety of ways. One of my favorite teaching tools, and often the most effective, is the "Look around you. Is anyone else doing that?" technique, or more simply, the observation technique.

Here's an example of how I used this parenting strategy recently:

To start with, I get it that it can sometimes be hard for two younger kids to sit still and be patient when you're at a relatively nice restaurant that doesn't immediately put the food in front of you the second you order it or only calls you to the table when the meal is ready to be served. However, going out to dinner is not a foreign concept to my kids. We actually do it about once a week. So I expect that they should know how to behave appropriately in this given situation.

And yet, they're still kids, more often than not in their own little worlds, forgetting that there are rules to follow and not thinking before they do. Which is why on this particular night out my kids had to be reminded again of appropriate behavior.

It started when they realized that the table we were sitting at didn't have legs or a center pole holding it up. It actually was pretty interesting. But in true kid style, they quickly made the connection that they could easily reach their legs to touch the other on the opposite side without anything getting in the way. Slowly my children began to sink deeper and deeper under the table as they tried harder and harder to reach the other who was trying to avoid the feet of their sibling while at the same time trying to touch them with their own feet. The behavior quickly became way inappropriate (and embarrassing). Time to use my teaching strategy.

The first step was making my kids aware that they were doing something out of context for the environment they were in. So I said, "You guys. Stop for a minute. Look around the restaurant. Do you see anyone else here doing what you're doing?" My kids looked around and admitted they didn't. I continued, "Look at the children sitting at that table over there. Do you see them playing around they way you guys are?" Again, they admitted that they didn't.

The next step was to get them to pick up, on their own, the appropriate behavior for the current situation. So next I asked, "What do you see the people in the restaurant doing instead?" I got my kids to verbalize to me the things they saw people doing; eating, talking to the other people at the table, kids coloring, using quiet voices, etc.

Finally, I wanted them to mirror the behavior of the community in the room. So I asked them to show me what the other people in the room look like. Show me how they are they sitting. Show me how they are acting at the table. My kids usually love this part of the "lesson" because it's like acting out a play. They briefly pretended to be various people in the room, mimicking their behavior, sitting tall, copying their mannerisms.

The observation lesson is concluded with lots of praise. "Good job you guys! You are very observant. That's how you guys need to behave, too so that your behavior is appropriate."

It is important that we not just teach kids the right way to behave, but that we also teach them how to pick up on the social cues given by others on the appropriate way to behave by teaching them to observe their surroundings. After all, we won't always be there in every situation to coach them on the appropriate way to behave. We need to teach our kids how to figure this out on their own.

The other great advantage of this teaching technique is that it helps you keep your cool as a parent. Because I'm not scolding or offering consequences or repeating myself over and over it's easy to stay in conversation mode which in turn helps me be a better teacher and my kids better able to respond to the "lesson". It ends up being a fun experience for all of us as we become more aware of our surroundings and have family conversation about it. The end result is a higher success rate than if we had to approach the behavior a different way. Usually having this conversation just once in a given situation is enough to keep my kids' behavior at a more appropriate and manageable level.

I love this strategy and use it often in a variety of contexts; at the grocery store, at church, at school performances, the library, just about anywhere. You can even use the same strategy in reverse when encountering another child who is misbehaving. When this happens I might say to my kids, "What is that child doing that the rest of us aren't?" "What should they be doing instead?"

Try this parenting tip out. Then let me know how it worked for you!

Consistency is a Parent's Responsibility

All of these are true stories recently witnessed:

Scene 1: A mom is with her two-and-a-half-year-old getting ready to have some ice-cream. The little girl, full of energy, does not want to stay seated. The mom however is requiring that her little one sit properly at the table in order to get the ice-cream. "If you want the ice cream you need to sit down first, " mom says. The toddler briefly sits then pops back up on her feet. "No," says mom, "you have to sit down if you want the ice-cream." This time mom picks up her daughter and sits her down. Then she places the ice-cream in front of her. Within seconds, the little girl is back to standing on her chair, eating ice-cream not sitting down. This time mom says a little firmer, "If you don't sit down I'm going to take the ice-cream away." The little girl sits. Maybe two minutes pass. The two-year-old is back on her feet. Mom is now angry. "Sit down!" mom snarls as she pushes her little girl back onto her bottom. "I'm serious. I will take your ice-cream away if you get up again."

Scene 2: A girl of about eight-years-old is walking out of the Home Depot with her family. Dad and brother are slightly ahead. One gets the impression that it has not been the most pleasant of family experiences to the store as dad is quiet and walking briskly to the car while an exasperated mom is holding on tightly to her daughter's arm and quietly scolding her. The daughter has a smile on her face, almost a look of triumph. Somehow she releases herself from her mother's grip and begins to skip off. But in her thrill of escaping mom, she forgets to watch where she's going and almost runs into a group of people walking into the store. Mom, absolutely furious, growls at her, "How many times do I have to tell you to cut it out?" Mom grabs the daughter's arm again but within seconds the girl has wriggled free and is now giggling as she runs to catch up with her dad.

Scene 3: A dad is picking up his kids from school. There is maybe 3 years difference between the two boys. The two brothers begin almost immediately picking on one another, pushing and hitting. While the two occasionally seem to be having fun, it's clear that the goal is to hurt the other. Dad, almost looking embarrassed at the display his boys are doing in front of the other parents and kids tells them to stop. They boys act as if they didn't even hear him. Dad tries again, "Come on you guys. That's enough." The boys pause, but within seconds are still fighting to see who can get the last hit in. Again, dad tries to intervene, this time raising his voice a bit. "Boys. Cut it out. I mean it!" The boys stop. The youngest one hides behind dad. The older one waits a moment for dad to turn his attention back to his Blackberry at which point he picks up a rock and throws it at his little brother. The rock hits his brother in the arm who then immediately wails out in pain. Now furious, dad grabs his older son and yells, "What is wrong with you? I told you to cut it out! Now apologize to your brother right now!" Older brother, with every bit of sarcasm in his voice says, "Sorry". As the family leaves, the two boys are seen trying to sneak small hits and jabs at each other all the way back to the car.

Three different stories. Three different ages of children involved. Yet all three have the same thing in common. Consistency. Did any of these children really believe what their parents were telling them? Did the toddler believe that her mom would really take the ice-cream away? Did the girl think there was any reason to listen to her mom? Did the boys really believe there would be any consequence if they didn't stop fighting? And do they think that it's really all that important to their dad that they don't hit each other? The answer to all of these is "NO". In fact, the kids in all the situations are probably thinking, "Why should I not do what I want to do? You're not going to do anything about it except talk at me. And I can handle that if it means I can still do what I want."

When I find myself getting more and more frustrated with my kids because they're not doing what I asked them to do, it's almost always a sign to me that I am doing a bad job parenting. It's MY fault they aren't listening to me. If I've gotten frustrated and mad at my kids, it's often MY fault that I have let the behavior go on so long. If my kids don't believe I'm serious they're not going to do what I said. Just assuming kids should listen to us because we're the parents is a sure path to parenting misery. Kids don't work that way. Even ADULTS don't work that way.
It's just like the country road that says "55mph." Almost everyone goes way over that speed limit when they're on that road because they know that there are never any cops on it. They know they will get away with driving fast on it every time. But as soon as that road starts getting patrolled, and cars start getting pulled over for speeding, everyone makes sure that they're gong as close to 55mph as possible. Because now they know "they mean it" when the sign says to drive 55mph.

With our kids, we need to be consistent in what we expect from them and follow through immediately with what we say we're going to do. If we want them to stop, we need to make sure they stop the first time we've asked them. If they don't get ice-cream unless they're sitting, then we take away the ice-cream the second they stand up again. If we think leaving a store for bad behavior is a consequence we're willing to threaten with but won't ever really do, then it's up to us to think of a different consequence. Because kids will pick up really quickly on the fact that we don't REALLY mean what we say. But they will also pick up just as quickly that we do.

I want my kids to know without any doubt that when I say it's time to stop, they know I'm serious. When I say a certain consequence will happen if they don't make a different choice, I want my kids to know that I mean it. Every time.

It's my responsibilty to make sure my kids learn this by staying consistent with what I say and do.

In the comment space below, share an example with us of a time you showed your consistency with your kids. Your comments help encourage us all.