All of these are true stories recently witnessed:
Scene 1: A mom is with her two-and-a-half-year-old getting ready to have some ice-cream. The little girl, full of energy, does not want to stay seated. The mom however is requiring that her little one sit properly at the table in order to get the ice-cream. "If you want the ice cream you need to sit down first, " mom says. The toddler briefly sits then pops back up on her feet. "No," says mom, "you have to sit down if you want the ice-cream." This time mom picks up her daughter and sits her down. Then she places the ice-cream in front of her. Within seconds, the little girl is back to standing on her chair, eating ice-cream not sitting down. This time mom says a little firmer, "If you don't sit down I'm going to take the ice-cream away." The little girl sits. Maybe two minutes pass. The two-year-old is back on her feet. Mom is now angry. "Sit down!" mom snarls as she pushes her little girl back onto her bottom. "I'm serious. I will take your ice-cream away if you get up again."
Scene 2: A girl of about eight-years-old is walking out of the Home Depot with her family. Dad and brother are slightly ahead. One gets the impression that it has not been the most pleasant of family experiences to the store as dad is quiet and walking briskly to the car while an exasperated mom is holding on tightly to her daughter's arm and quietly scolding her. The daughter has a smile on her face, almost a look of triumph. Somehow she releases herself from her mother's grip and begins to skip off. But in her thrill of escaping mom, she forgets to watch where she's going and almost runs into a group of people walking into the store. Mom, absolutely furious, growls at her, "How many times do I have to tell you to cut it out?" Mom grabs the daughter's arm again but within seconds the girl has wriggled free and is now giggling as she runs to catch up with her dad.
Scene 3: A dad is picking up his kids from school. There is maybe 3 years difference between the two boys. The two brothers begin almost immediately picking on one another, pushing and hitting. While the two occasionally seem to be having fun, it's clear that the goal is to hurt the other. Dad, almost looking embarrassed at the display his boys are doing in front of the other parents and kids tells them to stop. They boys act as if they didn't even hear him. Dad tries again, "Come on you guys. That's enough." The boys pause, but within seconds are still fighting to see who can get the last hit in. Again, dad tries to intervene, this time raising his voice a bit. "Boys. Cut it out. I mean it!" The boys stop. The youngest one hides behind dad. The older one waits a moment for dad to turn his attention back to his Blackberry at which point he picks up a rock and throws it at his little brother. The rock hits his brother in the arm who then immediately wails out in pain. Now furious, dad grabs his older son and yells, "What is wrong with you? I told you to cut it out! Now apologize to your brother right now!" Older brother, with every bit of sarcasm in his voice says, "Sorry". As the family leaves, the two boys are seen trying to sneak small hits and jabs at each other all the way back to the car.
Three different stories. Three different ages of children involved. Yet all three have the same thing in common. Consistency. Did any of these children really believe what their parents were telling them? Did the toddler believe that her mom would really take the ice-cream away? Did the girl think there was any reason to listen to her mom? Did the boys really believe there would be any consequence if they didn't stop fighting? And do they think that it's really all that important to their dad that they don't hit each other? The answer to all of these is "NO". In fact, the kids in all the situations are probably thinking, "Why should I not do what I want to do? You're not going to do anything about it except talk at me. And I can handle that if it means I can still do what I want."
When I find myself getting more and more frustrated with my kids because they're not doing what I asked them to do, it's almost always a sign to me that I am doing a bad job parenting. It's MY fault they aren't listening to me. If I've gotten frustrated and mad at my kids, it's often MY fault that I have let the behavior go on so long. If my kids don't believe I'm serious they're not going to do what I said. Just assuming kids should listen to us because we're the parents is a sure path to parenting misery. Kids don't work that way. Even ADULTS don't work that way.
It's just like the country road that says "55mph." Almost everyone goes way over that speed limit when they're on that road because they know that there are never any cops on it. They know they will get away with driving fast on it every time. But as soon as that road starts getting patrolled, and cars start getting pulled over for speeding, everyone makes sure that they're gong as close to 55mph as possible. Because now they know "they mean it" when the sign says to drive 55mph.
With our kids, we need to be consistent in what we expect from them and follow through immediately with what we say we're going to do. If we want them to stop, we need to make sure they stop the first time we've asked them. If they don't get ice-cream unless they're sitting, then we take away the ice-cream the second they stand up again. If we think leaving a store for bad behavior is a consequence we're willing to threaten with but won't ever really do, then it's up to us to think of a different consequence. Because kids will pick up really quickly on the fact that we don't REALLY mean what we say. But they will also pick up just as quickly that we do.
I want my kids to know without any doubt that when I say it's time to stop, they know I'm serious. When I say a certain consequence will happen if they don't make a different choice, I want my kids to know that I mean it. Every time.
It's my responsibilty to make sure my kids learn this by staying consistent with what I say and do.
In the comment space below, share an example with us of a time you showed your consistency with your kids. Your comments help encourage us all.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
A Parenting Issue or A Relationship Issue?
Today I’m going to post a bit differently than I normally do and address an issue that has been coming up a lot lately with both friends and clients. For simplicity sake, I’m going to write today’s post in the context of marriage. However, for those of you who are single parents still interacting with your child’s other parent, hopefully you will see that the comments below can still apply.
Let me begin by offering some main points:
Take parenting classes together Try out marriage counseling. Even if you think your relationship is not “that bad”, it can’t hurt to have a third party give you more tools for improving your marriage. Seeing a counselor does not mean you are a failure. No marriage is perfect and we can all use more tools to make our relationships stronger! Address the disagreements within your parenting and family roles early when you first experience them. They are much easier to solve at this stage than if you wait until they have grown larger and dug their roots deep. If you have let your disagreements effect your relationship for some time that doesn’t mean your relationship is beyond help or repair. Still ask for help. It’s OK to ask for help. This is being a good parent, a good wife, a good husband and a strong family.
Let me begin by offering some main points:
- It is inevitable that you and your spouse will have different parenting styles to some degree
- Your different styles and approach can and will create tension in your relationship at times
- Healthy relationships will recognize the differences, seek ways to compromise in order to work together as a team, and pursue additional resources that will help them develop a similar approach to parenting their kids
- Couples who are in constant disagreement about the appropriate way to parent their kids are not simply experiencing a parenting issue but a relationship issue
- Kids thrive and have less discipline issues when their parents operate as a team and are constantly working on keeping their own marriage healthy than kids whose parents are in constant opposition to each other
Clear signs you have a RELATIONSHIP ISSUE:
- You are constantly arguing over the “right” way to discipline and raise the kids.
- You have resigned yourself to the fact that you just have different parenting styles, yet feel resentment toward the other parent that this is acceptable
- Whether you realize it or not, you both tend to undermine each others parenting styles in a variety of ways, sometimes blatantly and sometimes quietly once the other parent isn’t looking
- You complain about the other parent’s parenting style or role to your friends and family
- You feel like the parenting roles are completely lop-sided – “good” parent vs “bad” parent, “in charge of the kids” vs “in charge of making money”, “nurturer” vs “playmate”, etc.
- You have said in some form, “Our marriage is fine, it’s just the parenting issues that create problems for us”
There is definitely a wide spectrum for which the above applies. For some, you might be experiencing this on a very small scale. Often times when I experience even just one of the above “symptoms” it’s a cue to me that my husband and I should have a talk about why this is happening and work together to find a way to get our relationship back on track so that we’re a team again.
However, many parents believe that these struggles and frustrations are “just the way it is”. And because everyone keeps saying “marriage is hard” this must be part of the “hard part” where we stay frustrated and miserable with each other hoping that once the kids move out everything will be “back to normal.”
In fact, there is research that estimates that up to 90% of marriages experience a dramatic decrease in marital satisfaction after a baby is born. Your chances that your marriage will end in divorce skyrocket within three years of having a child.
The Gottman Institute has known this and has been studying this for many years. Recently, the statistic came back into the news as the University of Denver and Texas came out with similar results.
But it’s not the child itself that causes your marriage to suffer. It’s simply that having a child challenges your relationship in a new and deeper way. Any small weakness that was already there before kids suddenly becomes dramatically amplified once a baby enters the picture. And sometimes issues that didn’t exist in your relationship before suddenly develop because, well, things are different now. Your relationship is challenged in areas it never had to experience before. But the conclusion is not that marital dissatisfaction is close to inevitable and so therefore must be accepted. Because it is clearly possible to have children and actually maintain or increase marital satisfaction. The 10% proof of this is beside the point. I just don’t believe for an instant that the introduction of a child in a relationship was meant to destroy that relationship. That just doesn’t make sense for so many reasons!
Looking beyond research and common sense, annecdotally I know that if you are loving and caring toward each other, and your relationship is a priority, and you both have an attitude of “we’re in this together”, then the challenges that come with having kids are blips on the screen. They don’t damage the relationship. In fact, they actually strengthen the relationship as you grow and sharpen your relationship together.
But if the two of you don’t come together and find resolution, that’s not about the kids. That’s about YOU as a COUPLE. It is a flaw in your relationship that needs to be healed or it’s not going to go away. Eventually, you will find yourself within the 90% of unsatisfied marriages, or worse, divorced somewhere down the road.
So what you can do?
- Stop blaming your differences in parenting for the dissatisfaction of your relationship.
- Set up a private consult for learning effective communication and problem solving skills or attend a workshop together on the topic (visit
Your marriage is the most important part of your family. It effects your kids, it effects your parenting, and it effects the overall strength and happiness of your family. Where are the weak points in your marriage? What needs to be strengthened? What are the real issues in your relationship that need to be addressed so that you can focus on being a team and lead your family together? What are you going to do about it?
Thanks for reading.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Turning Listening Into an Absolute
My son Nate is in this wonderful phase of not listening. Right now it's mostly developmental, I know. In his little ego-centric four-year-old mind he's thinking "I don't want to listen. I'd so much rather do what I'm currently doing than listen to what you have to say." And like my daughter was at this age, he is very stubborn. If I don't give him a reason to think that listening to me is a better option than not, well...he's not going to listen. To him, it doesn't matter that it's his MOM telling him to get dressed. It doesn't matter that I explained to him that we are leaving in ten minutes. No. He's thinking, "I don't want to get dressed, and frankly you haven't convinced me that listening to you is worth the effort of getting dressed."
I have found myself, like most parents, getting lazy and instead of expecting him to listen to me the first time I ask, I give him lots of chances by coming back into the room every five miutes to tell him in my most exasperated voice to PLEASE get dressed. Cuz, "I'm not kidding. We have to leave!"
I have woke up in the morning reminding myself that doing this is not effective parenting and that today Nate will get one chance to listen. I'm going to remember to offer the choice to listen or have a time out, and I am going to follow through. And I do it. And it makes the point for a day or so only until I realize that a few days have past and I'm back to coming into the room and telling him more than once to please get dressed. And soon it occurs to me that I've been so inconsistant that even getting refocused and offering the choices isn't really effective any more.
It's when it has gotten to this point that I realize the time has come to turn "listening to mommy or daddy when we say it's time to get dressed" into a temporary absolute. Abolutes are those things that you don't get to make choices over. They are an immediate consequence for the sake of breaking a pattern of behavior. We keep a very small handful of things forever absolutes like hitting, biting, swearing (if needed)...generally those things that purposefully hurt another person. When an absoulte is broken, it is an immediate consequence. No discussion. For a preschooler like Nate, it's usually a time out. So for instance, if he were to push me out of anger, I would say firmly, "No pushing Mommy! Time out!" When used correctly, absolutes can often break a behovior, such as hitting within a very short amount of time.
As parents, we don't have many absoultes because we want kids t0 take responsibility for their behavior, we want to give them a sense of control over their lives, and we want them to learn to make choices so that they are prepared for making the millions of choices they will have to make on their own in their lifetime. Overall, studies show that offering choices and following through with logical consequences is the best way to change behavior and for long-term learning to occur. But ocassionally, and I emphasize the occasionally, we need to institue a more pure behaior managment-type approach and turn a behavior that is chronic into an absolute temporarily. This way, the pattern in poor behavior can be broken and reset to a level that reinstituting choices for that behavior again can be effective.
I realized this morning that often times turning something into a temporary absolute is as beneficial for me, the parent, as it is for my child. Because, Nate's failure to not listen to me is mostly my fault. I have not been consistant in my expectations for when he needs to get dressed. I have not done a good job of letting him know that when I say "It's time to get dressed" he knows it's in his interest to do that "right now." He knows that usually I'm going to come in and tell him three or four more times before I really insist that he gets dressed. I need to get us BOTH on the right path again.
So, this morning one of the first things I told him was, "Nate, starting today, when I tell you it's time to get your clothes on, you need to do it right away. If you don't, it will be an immediate time out." This is my way of informing him that and absolute has been instituted so I'm not blindsiding him with it later. We ate breakfast. And we talked about what was on TV. And then I told him it was time to get dressed. I didn't leave the room. I waited to see what he was going to do. And my sweet little boy huffed and sat on the couch with his arms crossed in defiance.
"Bummer. Time out, Bud for not listening and getting dressed when I asked you."
I picked him up an put him on the stairs without any further discussion. He sat there for his four minutes. When it was done, I asked him why he was in time out. He correctly told me he was there for not listening when I told him to get dressed. I reminded him that I did tell him that if he chose not to listen to me when I told him it was time to get dressed that it would be an immediate time out. He remembered. And when I asked if he was ready to make a different choice, he said he would go get dressed right now. And he did.
I will remind him again of the absolute tonight before it's time to get ready for bed. I will remind him again tomorrow morning and evening as well. And depending on how things go, decide if I can move back to lifting the absoulte and reinstating the choice of, "Are you going to listen and get dressed or are you going to have a time out?"
My guess is that by Wednesday we will both be back on the right track. And then it will be up to me to stay consistant so that we don't have to do this again.
Being consistent is hard, isn't it? It's so easy to slip into bad patterns and hope that our kids will still do as we say without us putting much effort into it. Yet, being inconsistent usually results in taking up MORE of our time in the long run and getting us MORE frustrated with our kids. Where do you need to be more consistent with your kids' behavior?
I have found myself, like most parents, getting lazy and instead of expecting him to listen to me the first time I ask, I give him lots of chances by coming back into the room every five miutes to tell him in my most exasperated voice to PLEASE get dressed. Cuz, "I'm not kidding. We have to leave!"
I have woke up in the morning reminding myself that doing this is not effective parenting and that today Nate will get one chance to listen. I'm going to remember to offer the choice to listen or have a time out, and I am going to follow through. And I do it. And it makes the point for a day or so only until I realize that a few days have past and I'm back to coming into the room and telling him more than once to please get dressed. And soon it occurs to me that I've been so inconsistant that even getting refocused and offering the choices isn't really effective any more.
It's when it has gotten to this point that I realize the time has come to turn "listening to mommy or daddy when we say it's time to get dressed" into a temporary absolute. Abolutes are those things that you don't get to make choices over. They are an immediate consequence for the sake of breaking a pattern of behavior. We keep a very small handful of things forever absolutes like hitting, biting, swearing (if needed)...generally those things that purposefully hurt another person. When an absoulte is broken, it is an immediate consequence. No discussion. For a preschooler like Nate, it's usually a time out. So for instance, if he were to push me out of anger, I would say firmly, "No pushing Mommy! Time out!" When used correctly, absolutes can often break a behovior, such as hitting within a very short amount of time.
As parents, we don't have many absoultes because we want kids t0 take responsibility for their behavior, we want to give them a sense of control over their lives, and we want them to learn to make choices so that they are prepared for making the millions of choices they will have to make on their own in their lifetime. Overall, studies show that offering choices and following through with logical consequences is the best way to change behavior and for long-term learning to occur. But ocassionally, and I emphasize the occasionally, we need to institue a more pure behaior managment-type approach and turn a behavior that is chronic into an absolute temporarily. This way, the pattern in poor behavior can be broken and reset to a level that reinstituting choices for that behavior again can be effective.
I realized this morning that often times turning something into a temporary absolute is as beneficial for me, the parent, as it is for my child. Because, Nate's failure to not listen to me is mostly my fault. I have not been consistant in my expectations for when he needs to get dressed. I have not done a good job of letting him know that when I say "It's time to get dressed" he knows it's in his interest to do that "right now." He knows that usually I'm going to come in and tell him three or four more times before I really insist that he gets dressed. I need to get us BOTH on the right path again.
So, this morning one of the first things I told him was, "Nate, starting today, when I tell you it's time to get your clothes on, you need to do it right away. If you don't, it will be an immediate time out." This is my way of informing him that and absolute has been instituted so I'm not blindsiding him with it later. We ate breakfast. And we talked about what was on TV. And then I told him it was time to get dressed. I didn't leave the room. I waited to see what he was going to do. And my sweet little boy huffed and sat on the couch with his arms crossed in defiance.
"Bummer. Time out, Bud for not listening and getting dressed when I asked you."
I picked him up an put him on the stairs without any further discussion. He sat there for his four minutes. When it was done, I asked him why he was in time out. He correctly told me he was there for not listening when I told him to get dressed. I reminded him that I did tell him that if he chose not to listen to me when I told him it was time to get dressed that it would be an immediate time out. He remembered. And when I asked if he was ready to make a different choice, he said he would go get dressed right now. And he did.
I will remind him again of the absolute tonight before it's time to get ready for bed. I will remind him again tomorrow morning and evening as well. And depending on how things go, decide if I can move back to lifting the absoulte and reinstating the choice of, "Are you going to listen and get dressed or are you going to have a time out?"
My guess is that by Wednesday we will both be back on the right track. And then it will be up to me to stay consistant so that we don't have to do this again.
Being consistent is hard, isn't it? It's so easy to slip into bad patterns and hope that our kids will still do as we say without us putting much effort into it. Yet, being inconsistent usually results in taking up MORE of our time in the long run and getting us MORE frustrated with our kids. Where do you need to be more consistent with your kids' behavior?
My son Nate is in this wonderful phase of not listening. Right now it's mostly developmental, I know. In his little ego-centric four-year-old mind he's thinking "I don't want to listen. I'd so much rather do what I'm currently doing than listen to what you have to say." And like my daughter was at this age, he is very stubborn. If I don't give him a reason to think that listening to me is a better option than not, well...he's not going to listen. To him, it doesn't matter that it's his MOM telling him to get dressed. It doesn't matter that I explained to him that we are leaving in ten minutes. No. He's thinking, "I don't want to get dressed, and frankly you haven't convinced me that listening to you is worth the effort of getting dressed."
I have found myself, like most parents, getting lazy and instead of expecting him to listen to me the first time I ask, I give him lots of chances by coming back into the room every five miutes to tell him in my most exasperated voice to PLEASE get dressed. Cuz, "I'm not kidding. We have to leave!"
I have woke up in the morning reminding myself that doing this is not effective parenting and that today Nate will get one chance to listen. I'm going to remember to offer the choice to listen or have a time out, and I am going to follow through. And I do it. And it makes the point for a day or so only until I realize that a few days have past and I'm back to coming into the room and telling him more than once to please get dressed. And soon it occurs to me that I've been so inconsistant that even getting refocused and offering the choices isn't really effective any more.
It's when it has gotten to this point that I realize the time has come to turn "listening to mommy or daddy when we say it's time to get dressed" into a temporary absolute. Abolutes are those things that you don't get to make choices over. They are an immediate consequence for the sake of breaking a pattern of behavior. We keep a very small handful of things forever absolutes like hitting, biting, swearing (if needed)...generally those things that purposefully hurt another person. When an absoulte is broken, it is an immediate consequence. No discussion. For a preschooler like Nate, it's usually a time out. So for instance, if he were to push me out of anger, I would say firmly, "No pushing Mommy! Time out!" When used correctly, absolutes can often break a behovior, such as hitting within a very short amount of time.
As parents, we don't have many absoultes because we want kids t0 take responsibility for their behavior, we want to give them a sense of control over their lives, and we want them to learn to make choices so that they are prepared for making the millions of choices they will have to make on their own in their lifetime. Overall, studies show that offering choices and following through with logical consequences is the best way to change behavior and for long-term learning to occur. But ocassionally, and I emphasize the occasionally, we need to institue a more pure behaior managment-type approach and turn a behavior that is chronic into an absolute temporarily. This way, the pattern in poor behavior can be broken and reset to a level that reinstituting choices for that behavior again can be effective.
I realized this morning that often times turning something into a temporary absolute is as beneficial for me, the parent, as it is for my child. Because, Nate's failure to not listen to me is mostly my fault. I have not been consistant in my expectations for when he needs to get dressed. I have not done a good job of letting him know that when I say "It's time to get dressed" he knows it's in his interest to do that "right now." He knows that usually I'm going to come in and tell him three or four more times before I really insist that he gets dressed. I need to get us BOTH on the right path again.
So, this morning one of the first things I told him was, "Nate, starting today, when I tell you it's time to get your clothes on, you need to do it right away. If you don't, it will be an immediate time out." This is my way of informing him that and absolute has been instituted so I'm not blindsiding him with it later. We ate breakfast. And we talked about what was on TV. And then I told him it was time to get dressed. I didn't leave the room. I waited to see what he was going to do. And my sweet little boy huffed and sat on the couch with his arms crossed in defiance.
"Bummer. Time out, Bud for not listening and getting dressed when I asked you."
I picked him up an put him on the stairs without any further discussion. He sat there for his four minutes. When it was done, I asked him why he was in time out. He correctly told me he was there for not listening when I told him to get dressed. I reminded him that I did tell him that if he chose not to listen to me when I told him it was time to get dressed that it would be an immediate time out. He remembered. And when I asked if he was ready to make a different choice, he said he would go get dressed right now. And he did.
I will remind him again of the absolute tonight before it's time to get ready for bed. I will remind him again tomorrow morning and evening as well. And depending on how things go, decide if I can move back to lifting the absoulte and reinstating the choice of, "Are you going to listen and get dressed or are you going to have a time out?"
My guess is that by Wednesday we will both be back on the right track. And then it will be up to me to stay consistant so that we don't have to do this again.
Being consistent is hard, isn't it? It's so easy to slip into bad patterns and hope that our kids will still do as we say without us putting much effort into it. Yet, being inconsistent usually results in taking up MORE of our time in the long run and getting us MORE frustrated with our kids. Where do you need to be more consistent with your kids' behavior?
I have found myself, like most parents, getting lazy and instead of expecting him to listen to me the first time I ask, I give him lots of chances by coming back into the room every five miutes to tell him in my most exasperated voice to PLEASE get dressed. Cuz, "I'm not kidding. We have to leave!"
I have woke up in the morning reminding myself that doing this is not effective parenting and that today Nate will get one chance to listen. I'm going to remember to offer the choice to listen or have a time out, and I am going to follow through. And I do it. And it makes the point for a day or so only until I realize that a few days have past and I'm back to coming into the room and telling him more than once to please get dressed. And soon it occurs to me that I've been so inconsistant that even getting refocused and offering the choices isn't really effective any more.
It's when it has gotten to this point that I realize the time has come to turn "listening to mommy or daddy when we say it's time to get dressed" into a temporary absolute. Abolutes are those things that you don't get to make choices over. They are an immediate consequence for the sake of breaking a pattern of behavior. We keep a very small handful of things forever absolutes like hitting, biting, swearing (if needed)...generally those things that purposefully hurt another person. When an absoulte is broken, it is an immediate consequence. No discussion. For a preschooler like Nate, it's usually a time out. So for instance, if he were to push me out of anger, I would say firmly, "No pushing Mommy! Time out!" When used correctly, absolutes can often break a behovior, such as hitting within a very short amount of time.
As parents, we don't have many absoultes because we want kids t0 take responsibility for their behavior, we want to give them a sense of control over their lives, and we want them to learn to make choices so that they are prepared for making the millions of choices they will have to make on their own in their lifetime. Overall, studies show that offering choices and following through with logical consequences is the best way to change behavior and for long-term learning to occur. But ocassionally, and I emphasize the occasionally, we need to institue a more pure behaior managment-type approach and turn a behavior that is chronic into an absolute temporarily. This way, the pattern in poor behavior can be broken and reset to a level that reinstituting choices for that behavior again can be effective.
I realized this morning that often times turning something into a temporary absolute is as beneficial for me, the parent, as it is for my child. Because, Nate's failure to not listen to me is mostly my fault. I have not been consistant in my expectations for when he needs to get dressed. I have not done a good job of letting him know that when I say "It's time to get dressed" he knows it's in his interest to do that "right now." He knows that usually I'm going to come in and tell him three or four more times before I really insist that he gets dressed. I need to get us BOTH on the right path again.
So, this morning one of the first things I told him was, "Nate, starting today, when I tell you it's time to get your clothes on, you need to do it right away. If you don't, it will be an immediate time out." This is my way of informing him that and absolute has been instituted so I'm not blindsiding him with it later. We ate breakfast. And we talked about what was on TV. And then I told him it was time to get dressed. I didn't leave the room. I waited to see what he was going to do. And my sweet little boy huffed and sat on the couch with his arms crossed in defiance.
"Bummer. Time out, Bud for not listening and getting dressed when I asked you."
I picked him up an put him on the stairs without any further discussion. He sat there for his four minutes. When it was done, I asked him why he was in time out. He correctly told me he was there for not listening when I told him to get dressed. I reminded him that I did tell him that if he chose not to listen to me when I told him it was time to get dressed that it would be an immediate time out. He remembered. And when I asked if he was ready to make a different choice, he said he would go get dressed right now. And he did.
I will remind him again of the absolute tonight before it's time to get ready for bed. I will remind him again tomorrow morning and evening as well. And depending on how things go, decide if I can move back to lifting the absoulte and reinstating the choice of, "Are you going to listen and get dressed or are you going to have a time out?"
My guess is that by Wednesday we will both be back on the right track. And then it will be up to me to stay consistant so that we don't have to do this again.
Being consistent is hard, isn't it? It's so easy to slip into bad patterns and hope that our kids will still do as we say without us putting much effort into it. Yet, being inconsistent usually results in taking up MORE of our time in the long run and getting us MORE frustrated with our kids. Where do you need to be more consistent with your kids' behavior?
Monday, May 4, 2009
Please Stop Talking - A Need for Some Silence
I love that my kids love to talk. They always seem to have so much to say and billions of questions to ask. Working with parents for a living, I know that getting their kids to really talk to them is a challenge to some parents. I must say, that has never been a problem for me. From the time my kids were old enough to start signing words I've always encouraged them to communicate with me. I've listened to their stories and ideas. I've involved them in adult conversations reinforcing with them that they are welcome to contribute to our conversations as long as it relates to what we're talking about. I share my thoughts and ideas with them on a regular basis so that I model for them how to do the same for me.
When I ask them, "What did you do at school today?" I don't want to hear, "Nothing," in return. So, I make of point of telling them as many details as I can about my day in order to model for them the kind of feedback I'd like from them about THEIR day. And it works. My kids tell me a lot. And sometimes I wish I hadn't worked so hard to get my kids to become talkers.
My preschool-age son right now is the worst. Overall, I would not describe Nate as a an extrovert. He likes to spend time by himself. And between him and his sister, I'd say he is the more passive of the two. But stick him in a car with you and the kid will not shut up.
He talks and talks and talks. Half the time I'm not even sure HE knows what he's talking about. What's worse is that you can't really tune him out and let him keep going, because if you don't give any "l'm listening cues" like an occasional "um hmm" or a "that's interesting" he'll call you out on it with a "Mom! MOMMMM!!!" and repeat it over and over louder and louder until you give the appropriate response. (Remind me again why I try to teach good listening and communication skills to my kids, and why those skills that I expect from them they also should expect from me?)
When Nate isn't rambling about some toy he has or his favorite scene in Star Wars, he's bombarding me with a never ending list of questions. "Mom, what's that building?" "What's it for?" "Who works there?" "How do you spell 'candy?'" "What does this spell, 'B-U-R-G-E-R?'" "Are we still in Colorado?" Followed by, " Mom. MOM! MOMMMMMM!"
Then we move into Nate the 4-year-old questioning MY driving. "Mom, the light is green. Why aren't you turning?" "Mom, why did you turn on your blinker?" "Mom, you didn't turn right. This is not how we get home."
Seriously, I want to pull the car over, take him out, and drive away sometimes, and the odds of me feeling this way usually go up after a very long day. I'm tired. I'm hungry. And I could really use just some silence for awhile.
But you know what? That's OK. Because, while I want my kids to feel heard and valued, they also need to respect that sometimes people - ALL people... even moms - need a break from talking. And it's OK to tell people you don't want to talk right now. It's not that I don't love you. It's not that I don't want you to never talk to me again. It's that I just don't have it in me right now to hear you talk anymore. My kids need to also learn to respect other people's feelings and needs, not just expect that people respect theirs.
And so I say, "Nate. I really need you to stop talking to me for a while, Bud. I'm not going to talk to you anymore for the rest of the way home. You are welcome to talk to yourself, but I'm not going to answer any more questions or listen any more to you in the car. I'm just going to listen to the radio." Nate doesn't usually like this and he'll often try to still continue what he was saying or asking. I'll just reply back, "Save it for when we get home, Bud.I'm not talking right now."
And almost always that time of silence is good for all of us.
To comment on: Which is harder for you: To tell your kids to stop talking when you need a break or to get your kids talking in the first place? What makes this hard?
When I ask them, "What did you do at school today?" I don't want to hear, "Nothing," in return. So, I make of point of telling them as many details as I can about my day in order to model for them the kind of feedback I'd like from them about THEIR day. And it works. My kids tell me a lot. And sometimes I wish I hadn't worked so hard to get my kids to become talkers.
My preschool-age son right now is the worst. Overall, I would not describe Nate as a an extrovert. He likes to spend time by himself. And between him and his sister, I'd say he is the more passive of the two. But stick him in a car with you and the kid will not shut up.
He talks and talks and talks. Half the time I'm not even sure HE knows what he's talking about. What's worse is that you can't really tune him out and let him keep going, because if you don't give any "l'm listening cues" like an occasional "um hmm" or a "that's interesting" he'll call you out on it with a "Mom! MOMMMM!!!" and repeat it over and over louder and louder until you give the appropriate response. (Remind me again why I try to teach good listening and communication skills to my kids, and why those skills that I expect from them they also should expect from me?)
When Nate isn't rambling about some toy he has or his favorite scene in Star Wars, he's bombarding me with a never ending list of questions. "Mom, what's that building?" "What's it for?" "Who works there?" "How do you spell 'candy?'" "What does this spell, 'B-U-R-G-E-R?'" "Are we still in Colorado?" Followed by, " Mom. MOM! MOMMMMMM!"
Then we move into Nate the 4-year-old questioning MY driving. "Mom, the light is green. Why aren't you turning?" "Mom, why did you turn on your blinker?" "Mom, you didn't turn right. This is not how we get home."
Seriously, I want to pull the car over, take him out, and drive away sometimes, and the odds of me feeling this way usually go up after a very long day. I'm tired. I'm hungry. And I could really use just some silence for awhile.
But you know what? That's OK. Because, while I want my kids to feel heard and valued, they also need to respect that sometimes people - ALL people... even moms - need a break from talking. And it's OK to tell people you don't want to talk right now. It's not that I don't love you. It's not that I don't want you to never talk to me again. It's that I just don't have it in me right now to hear you talk anymore. My kids need to also learn to respect other people's feelings and needs, not just expect that people respect theirs.
And so I say, "Nate. I really need you to stop talking to me for a while, Bud. I'm not going to talk to you anymore for the rest of the way home. You are welcome to talk to yourself, but I'm not going to answer any more questions or listen any more to you in the car. I'm just going to listen to the radio." Nate doesn't usually like this and he'll often try to still continue what he was saying or asking. I'll just reply back, "Save it for when we get home, Bud.I'm not talking right now."
And almost always that time of silence is good for all of us.
To comment on: Which is harder for you: To tell your kids to stop talking when you need a break or to get your kids talking in the first place? What makes this hard?
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