A New Song (Soon to Be a Classic)

My kids and I can become a group of goof balls when left alone. It will start out innocently enough with singing Christmas carols at the top of our lungs and morph into seeing who can most creatively change the lyrics to one of the songs.


Today, we tackled "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer". Here's the result:

Jesus the Son of God

You know Joseph and Mary and Melchior and Jaspar,

Gabriel, the innkeeper, Caesar Augustus, and Belthasar

But to you recall? The most famous baby of all?

Jesus the Son of God
He was born on Christmas Night
And if you wanted to see him
Just follow the star so bright

All of the other kings
Didn't want Jesus around
Poor little baby Jesus
Had to beat it out of town
(yes we know this part of the song is out of order. But it fit, and hey, we're just having fun!)

Then upon a midnight clear
The angels came to say (LA LA LA)
In the city of David
A savior's born this day!

Oh how the Shepards loved him
And they shouted out with glee (Yippee!)
Jesus the son of God
He was born for you and me!!!!!


We're not quiting any day jobs. But I think we at least get credit for getting the names of all three wise men in there. =)

Halloween Candy and How I Can Get Some

My favorite time at Halloween is about 20 minutes after my kids go to bed on Halloween Night. This is when I admittedly raid my kids' Trick-or-Treat bags to pull out my favorites to indulge in - Snickers Bars, Kit Kats, Peanut Butter Cups, and Sour Apple Blow Pops. And my kids know I do this.

I recently read a blog that suggested that you could teach your kids a lesson in tithing by requiring that they give you 10% of their spoils. I won't even go into all the theological problems I have with this. I don't think I need to make a spiritual lesson out of what they've gathered in order to get some of their candy. My kids are pretty good about sharing their candy with me to begin with.

Why?

I think it's so easy for my kids to want to ultimately share their candy with me because of how much I participate in the whole experience with them. From planning their costume, to taking them out trick-or-treating, to spreading out their candy with them at the end of the night to sort out their loot, to our debriefing of how the night went (who gave out the best candy, which was the scariest house, what fun costumes we saw)...we were in it together.

What a perfect parenting lesson. When we're "in it together", there is more cooperation, more sharing, more give and take, more FUN. When I tell them what to do "because I said so", when I have expectations for them that I don't expect for myself, when there is an atmosphere of "us" versus "the kids", there is resistance and frustration (on both sides).

The truth is, good parenting gets you "Snickers Bars", so-to-speak. When we take away our need to control, rule, and dominate our children and instead coach, teach, and participate in life with them, parenting our children is so much easier and sweeter.

And you don't have to fight to get your favorite candy out of the trick-or-treat bag.

By the way, what's YOUR favorite Halloween candy?

Fall Walk With Sami

This morning I looked out my window. It was a beautiful day. After a week of cold, cloudy, rainy weather, I felt my heart leap with excitement as I saw what awaited me on the other side of my front door. Today there wasn't a cloud in the sky. The sun was reflecting off the many colored leaves of the huge trees that grow in our neighborhood. The grass was a thick and healthy deep green having been brought back to life from the week of rain. The fuzzy black squirrels were already out enjoying the day. I didn't want to waste another moment.

"Come on Sami! Let's go outside!" My 15-month-old daughter's face lit up. She clumsily pulled her little body up and started to waddle away knowing I'd direct her toward the way out.

We stepped outside and the morning air smelled sweet. I closed my eyes and soaked in the feeling of the warm sun on my body. But Sami kept walking. I quickly opened my eyes, a bit disappointed that we were already on the move but looking forward to a fall morning walk through our neighborhood. Sami had other plans.

Samantha's plans were to draw with chalk for a while. I was able to convince her to at least move into the sunny part of the driveway. I drew hearts while she put colorful chalk marks inside them. I was just settling into this change of plans when Sami got up and started to walk away toward the street. Maybe we'd be getting that walk in after all.

We got to the street where she grabbed my finger (her hand is still too little to hold my full hand) and the two of us began to walk down the street. Just on the other side of our property is a large pasture where often a herd of cows hang out so close to our house that we can walk right up to the fence and practically touch them. This is where I thought we'd walk to first. But Sami had other plans.

She pulled me the opposite direction and led me across the street to the culdesac. This would take us nowhere except around a circle and right back to where we started. But she was insistent. I decided it would at least be an easy place to set her free since there wouldn't be as many, if any, cars to worry about. So off she waddled ahead of me down the street of the boring take-us-no-where culdesac.

We'd barely entered the culdesac when one of our neighbors walked out of her house preparing to take her dog for a walk. Samantha could hardly contain her excitement. A dog! Our neighbor came over to let Sami see the puppy. Sami got to "be gentle" and touch the dog while getting a big lick on the face in return. Samantha is facinated with dogs and acted as if this short visit from a furry friend was like winning the "Big Deal of the Day" on Let's Make a Deal. When our neighbor moved on, we stood and watched until the dog was completely out of sight. Then Sami turned to continue on the route she had chosen.

We hadn't even gone twenty feet when she discovered a pine cone in the middle of the road. We stopped as she picked it up, threw it, kicked it, picked it back up, dropped it, kicked it again, stared at it and then decided to moved on. We rounded the top of the culdesac now facing the direction we started from. Maybe now we could make our way back to the main street and go see if the cows were on our side of the pasture.

But Sami had other plans. In the gutter were small piles of red and gold leaves. Samantha started walking through them looking up at me every few steps with a broad grin that said, "Are you seeing this, Mom? They crunch and move under my feet!" We must have spent a good five minutes walking back and forth through the leaves talking about the sounds they made. And then she was off again. This time heading back to the gutter in front of our own house.

I followed her. In moments she was seated in the gutter rubbing her hands in the dirt and gravel. I sighed and sat down beside her. I looked up above me at the clear blue sky that seemed to want to suck me up into it. I wanted Sami to notice, too. So I interrupted her gutter exploration. "Sami, look up at the sky! Look! The sky is blue! Look at the blue sky, Sami!" She casually glanced up to where I was pointing and then went right back to focusing on the dirty mixture on the ground. She scooped up some of the gravely mixture and handed it to me, almost as if to say, "Yeah, but did you see THIS?"

I let her explore a few more minutes. And then I grew impatient. "Come on, Sweetie. Let's go see the cows." Samantha didn't move. So, I scooped her up and carried her the short way down the street to the fence where there were...

no cows.

Sami looked up at me. She stared at me a minute (did I see pity on her face?) and gave me the sign for milk. Sigh. At least we were near home and not on the other side of the neighborhood.

I had plans of a wonderful fall walk around our neighborhood. To see animals, to look at the changing leaves and enjoy the beautiful sunshine. It wasn't quite how I imagined it, but we DID do all of those things and more. And maybe Samantha knew that ultimately her way was better.
I wonder how often in life this is the case?

I'm Not Solving Your Problem

Last week Isabella got her first spelling list of the year sent home. Attached with the list was a nice letter from her teacher explaining how lists will be sent home and giving wonderful creative suggestions for how the kids could practice their words. Her first spelling test was going to be the following Wednesday.

Looking over the list, Isabella and I saw that many of the words she already knew how to spell. But there were a few that we would have to work together to help her learn. However, it was Labor Day weekend. The grandparents were coming to stay with us and we were all excited for their visit. Isabella and I agreed that she did not have to work on the spelling words over the weekend as long as she worked on them really hard with me on Monday and Tuesday evening.

Monday evening came and as was agreed to, Isabella was sent to get her spelling list.

She didn't know where it was. She was sent to look for it, and after a lengthy search, announced she couldn't find it. Isabella had a problem.

The problem was, she needed to study her spelling words that night and the next as was agreed to. She needed to study these words because she had a test on Wednesday with words that she didn't quite know how to spell.

I looked at Isabella, stated to her the problem, and asked her how she was going to solve her problem. "I'll get a new list tomorrow and bring it home to study," she answered.

"OK," I replied. "But how does that solve your problem of needing to study your words tonight?"

She stared back blankly at me, shocked that I was implying that she could possibly do anything this evening related to spelling words.

"But Mom! I don't have the list. I can't study my words tonight!" she reminded me, stating the obvious.

"I understand you don't have your list. But your agreement with me was that you were to work on your spelling words tonight and tomorrow. How are you going to solve this problem? You need to study your words tonight."

Then realization hit her. She knew I was being serious. Panic set in. On came the water works. The sobs. The protests. The "What am I supposed to do?"

Isabella will be eight next month. She's a very bright girl. And because she has a mom who has focused on teaching her and her siblings skills on how to take ownership of and solve their own problems I know that she is capable of coming up with solutions for many of her second-grade-sized problems. And I knew that this was the perfect opportunity to show her that I believed this.

"I'm not going to solve this problem for you Isabella. You need to figure out how you're going to solve it. I know you can do it because you are very good at solving problems."

Because she was still sobbing at "the unfairness of it all", I showed her the nice comfy chair in the living room that would be great for thinking, and told her to come find me when she had come up with some ideas.

Ten minutes went by as she just sat there crying. Then the crying turned to whimpers and for the next ten minutes she mumbled about how it was so unfair and how "I don't have my list. What does she expect from me?" I even heard, "I'm just a kid. Why can't she [I assumed she meant me] just let me not do it?" Gotta admit. That one made me laugh from the other room.

But, twenty minutes after I sent her to her thinking spot, she slowly walked up to me.

"Mom. I have an idea"

"Great, Isabella! What did you come up with?"

"I can use some of the words I have on the papers I brought home from school," (these were worksheets that practiced a portion of the words in the classroom and had been graded and sent home on Friday) "and then I will ask Mrs. Lewis for the list again first thing in the morning and practice extra long tomorrow night."

"I think that's a great idea, Isabella. Good problem solving!" She gave me a big smile and turned around immediately to go find her worksheets.

Isabella was able to make a list consisting of about half her spelling words. We spent time working on those. This morning she let me know that she remembered that she was going to ask for the full list that day at school.

I could have solved the problem for her. I had actually thought of the same solution she came up with (although I forced myself to come up with three other ideas she could have picked just to make sure it was possible). I know we could have saved twenty minutes of crying and drama if I had just offered up that solution to her to begin with. But in the end, the twenty minutes was worth having Isabella take ownership of her own problem and coming up with its solution. It also taught her that I believe that she is capable of solving her problems and doesn't need me to do it for her. That's worth it to me.

Sometimes parenting takes extra effort up front. But teaching your children how to solve their own problems actually will save time in the long run because they won't be constantly relying on you to do it for them. But maybe more importantly is the self-confidence and pride that develops from knowing that when bad situations happen, which of course they will, they can handle it. Problems won't be as overwhelming. Life's problems can be tackled and solved. Isn't this what we all desire for our children?

A Time to Move On

My last post focused on allowing my children to grieve and how I was trying to help them through that process. However, eventually there is a time to help kids move beyond their sadness so they don't get stuck there. That is what we have been working on this past week.

Overall, my kids have been trying really hard to make the most of our new situation. They've searched for new friends. They've endured long car rides in order to discover new places that we can take ownership of. They've developed a riding course for their scooters and have a secret play place they can ride their bikes to. And yet, they have still been struggling to accept that we live here now.

Whether it's Nate praying at night for God to "please move us back to Denver right now," Isabella getting off the bus in tears because it's a beautiful sunny day and if we were back in Denver we would be playing on the playground with our best friends not coming strait home, or both of them pouting through a church service because "this is NOT our church" there are constant examples of how the two of them are so focused on what they've left back in Colorado that they are missing out on finding the joys that could be found here. In fact, Isabella told me that one of the girls who has been trying to be friends with her told Isabella on the bus that day she was crying over her old friends that she wished she had sat next to someone else who was more fun. Of course this hurt Isabella's feelings and she used it to fuel her sadness for how much she misses Colorado. But in that little girl's defense, who wants to sit by a girl wallowing in sadness, especially when you're seven?

Yes, it is OK to miss our friends. It's OK to miss the mountains and the restaurants we liked and the schools we went to. It's OK to miss Grandma and Grandpa and the big tree in the front of our old house. But at some point we need to accept where we are. We think about the things we miss and find ways of filling up that spot with something new. We miss our friends, so we need to find new ones. We miss the mountains, so we need to discover the lakes and beautiful parks that are here. We miss the quick places to eat that were near our house. So we need to discover what those places could be here in Ohio. We recognize what we do have. A new house. A neighborhood with tons more kids in it. A pond. Buses to ride to school. New places to visit and discover.

Because we have two choices. We can be constantly sad about what we left behind or we can look forward to the life ahead of us and make the most of it. If we chose the former, people will respect our choice and allow us to be sad and give us plenty of room to wallow in our self pity. They will get the message loud and clear that they could never live up to our life back home and so they won't even try. And we will be very lonely and even more sad.

But if we choose the latter there is hope and adventure. People will want to show us what they have to offer. And we can be happy here and still miss our life back in Denver.

It's important for kids to be allowed to grieve. But we need to help them learn how to move beyond the grief at some point so they don't miss out on what life has to offer them next. I know many adults who were never taught this. And admittedly, there are times I still struggle with this. Helping my kids through this process has been helpful to me as well. Grief is not overcome instantaneously. It takes time. But just like other areas of our life we have the opportunity to make choices regarding our behavior. We can choose to remain sad or we can choose to pursue happiness.

How does this same lesson apply for other examples of sadness or disappointment?

A Time To Grieve

The hardest thing by far for me as a parent is that helpless feeling I have when my children are in pain. I would do anything to take their hurt, or sorrow, or sadness away.

Which is why the hardest part of our move to Ohio has been the grief it has caused my children.

I think forever in my memory will be the day we told the kids we would be traveling to Cleveland to see if it could be a place we would be willing to live. The opportunity for my husband came quickly and without warning, especially to the kids. Originally there was silence and processing. There was disappointment and worry. But overall, it had gone better than I had expected.

A few hours later, I had taken the kids to swim lessons and was waiting out by the pool for Isabella to come out of the changing room. I looked up and saw my beautiful blond-haired blue-eyed girl running toward me, tears streaming down her face, choking back sobs. She threw her arms around me and began to cry.

My mind raced. Did she stub a toe? Did someone in the changing room say something mean? What, Isabella? What is it?

She could hardly spit out the words between her sobs.

I don't want to move. Please don't make us move.

My instinct in this moment was to immediately tell her it was going to be OK. I wanted to tell her not to cry. That this was going to be a fun adventure. I wanted to get her to focus on all of the positive the job promotion for Daddy was going to provide for our family. Essentially, I didn't want her to hurt. I wanted to take away the pain.

But the truth is, my little girl was grieving. And she had every right to feel the things she was feeling. Because I was feeling them, too.

And so I held her tight. I didn't say anything for a long time. I just let her cry and cry and cry and cry.

I listened as she told me how she didn't want to leave her friends.

I know, Isabella. It will be very hard to leave them.

I listened as she said she would miss Grandma, and Grandpa, and Papa D and Pop Pop, because we won't be able to see them whenever we want.

I know, Isabella. It will be hard to be so far away from the people we love so much.

I listened as she said she really wanted to go to her new school and be with her best friend.

Yes, Isabella. I know. I know.

I listened as she said she didn't want to move far away to a place she didn't know. She didn't want to not know anybody and have to make new friends. Please Mommy. I don't want to go!

I know, Isabella. I know. It will be hard. It is scary. We will miss our friends so so much. And it is OK to cry. It is OK to feel sad. It is OK to grieve.

As a mom, I want to take the pain away from my children. These past weeks I have wanted to take it away when my kids clung tightly to their best friends and cried and cried the night before we left. I wanted to take it away when my son told me before he went to sleep that he just wanted to go back to Colorado to be with his friend and that he was feeling "sad in his heart". I wanted to take it away when my 14-month-old baby leaped out of my arms in effort to reach into the computer toward Grandma as we were Skyping and then scream and cry as I pulled her away from the screen so her older brother could have a turn talking.

I want to take it away. But I can't.

There is a time to give hope. There is a time to give reassurance. There is a time move forward and focus on the new.

But I have learned through this immensely emotional time for my family, that there is a time for all of us, children included, to grieve. And that is important, too.

Where Have I Been - Big Changes Coming

Sorry to be MIA for a while. Life is changing very fast in the Wood household and I'm barely keeping up. Here is the letter I've been sharing letting people know what's going on. Hang in there with me. I'll be back and posting regularly again soon!!!!

Dear friends,

It is with mixed emotions that I share some important news that affects my family and the future of Xylem.

About four weeks ago, my husband Asa was offered a position in Ohio. Three weeks ago, his company flew our family out to the Cleveland area to get a feel for the area and determine whether or not we would be willing to take the position. Two weeks ago my husband officially signed the contract for his new job. It is all moving very quickly, and we will be moving to Cleveland next week so that he can start August 1.

This is an incredible opportunity for Asa for a variety of reasons and it was hard to pass it up. However, it is with very heavy hearts that we are leaving everything we know here in Colorado including family, friends, our church community, and familiarity. But we are also excited to see what God has in store for us in Ohio.

With the support of the Xylem board we have decided to bring Xylem with us. This is actually a fairly simple process, in some ways easier than shutting the organization completely down. We will be donating a large portion of the Xylem assets to a ministry here in Denver and bringing the rest with us. The plan is to still be assessable to the many families we’ve worked with here in Colorado through Facebook, my blog and phone and e-mail consults. Some of the families that have benefited from Xylem in other states, and even in other countries (England, Australia and Germany), should not be affected and can continue to benefit from the support Xylem offers.

Tim and Nina Sloan, who are current board members, have been great this past year and will help make sure the transition is smooth. They have provided amazing leadership this past year and have been supportive in making the decision to transfer Xylem to Ohio. I am so grateful to have had them this past year and especially now during this time of transition.

You can read the formal announcement regarding the moving of Xylem from our board president, Tim on the Xylem Family Resource Facebook page. This provides further answers to questions regarding how this decision was made and what it means for the future of Xylem.

Once in Ohio, I hope to do some speaking at MOPS groups and local churches in the Cleveland area within the next year, but will begin by primarily putting my focus on the social networking sites, my blog other writing opportunities that have presented themselves this year and working with families via phone and e-mail. Xylem has developed a wonderful reputation the past six years and has gained a lot of credibility within the church community. Through talking to many individuals, including those in Ohio, it was determined that keeping Xylem and its nonprofit status would be an asset in opening new opportunities in Ohio so that Xylem can continue the work of restoring the sacredness of family.

I have been truly blessed by my community in Denver and cannot even begin to express my sadness in having to say good-bye to the place I’ve called home for most of my life. However, Colorado cannot get rid of me that easily. We have family in Colorado, close friends, not to mention that Asa’s company is located here, so we will be back often to visit.

If you haven’t already, please become a fan of Xylem on Facebook and follow me on my blog www.parentingwhatipreach.blogspot.com to stay in touch on the adventures of Xylem. And of course I will remain a regular presence on my personal Facebook page.

Please keep my family in your prayers as we begin this new adventure. You will most definitely remain in ours.

Blessings!
Tara

Stepping Aside So My Husband Can Be a Dad

This post is a last of a trilogy of posts dedicated to dads in honor of Father's Day, June 20th. Happy Father's Day to all you dedicated dads!

When my first daughter was born, my husband wanted nothing more than to be a great dad. From day one he was committed to getting up in the middle of the night to help change diapers and hand the baby to me to feed. Then he would get up in the morning and drag himself to work only to come home nine hours later to change another diaper, help get something resembling dinner together and crawl into bed to begin the routine all over again. But he did it every night, never thinking his job was more important than mine. Committing to be exhausted. Committing to be involved.

Day by day I was bonding more and more with my baby. But day by day my husband felt more and more detached from not only the baby but from me. He felt discouraged. This is not how he imagined it. Where was his connection to his daughter? Was this to be his role? Just the provider? The occasional assistant?

And then one day I had a workshop I had to teach and was gone for over six hours. It was the longest my husband had spent alone with the baby. Just him and her. She cried. She didn't want to drink from a bottle. It was stressful. It was hard. Yet it was the best thing that could have happened to both of them.

You see, up until that day, I was the primary caretaker of our daughter. Because I spent most of the time with her during the day, I had discovered all the tricks for calming her down. I knew which blanket she liked best. I knew her favorite way to be held. And my daughter knew I knew this, so of course she wanted me over anyone else. When the job was simple, like changing a diaper, I let my husband step in. But if she was crying, I would take her. If she was tired, I got her to sleep. If she was fussy, I figured out why. Without intending to, I was making it hard for my husband to bond with his baby because I wasn't allowing him to be a primary caretaker in her life.

But on that particular day, I wasn't around. My husband had to figure out his daughter on his own. He had to become the caretaker. And he did. When I came home, he had gotten her to fall asleep. He had learned ways of soothing her. He had found a position to hold her in that she seemed to like. He had discovered some of his own tricks.

And you know what? Almost all of his tricks were not my tricks. He actually had ways of interacting with her that were different from what worked for me. To be honest, this bothered me. I'm sure I even said more than once, "That's not how you do it. Here let me do it..."

But I needed to make a decision. I could either do all of the parenting myself or have a partner in parenting. If I chose the former, everything would be done my way, but my kids would be robbed of the chance to have a deep bonded relationship with their father. I would most surely work myself into exhaustion doing all the important parenting myself. Perhaps, I would develop resentment toward my kids, and probably toward my husband, for this life burden I put on myself. This is not rare. I work with families all the time where this has become the case.

On the other hand, choosing the latter would mean equally sharing the parenting responsibilities and have a untied front with our kids. But it would also mean letting go. It would mean that things might not always look exactly the way I want them too. It would mean sometimes letting the baby cry while my husband figured it out. It would mean not being the first to rush in and address a problem with the kids. It would mean accepting that my way is not always the best way, or at least not the only way.

I chose the latter.

Today, all three of my kids have an amazing relationship with their dad. My husband does everything he can to be with his family as much as possible because he wants to, not because he feels obligated to. The kids adore and respect him. He would do anything for his kids. They are SUPER bonded. More importantly, the kids view him and I equally knowing that we both have the same authority when it comes to parenting.

It was, and continues to be, so worth it for me to have made this choice. The added bonus? I was able to see a side of my husband I would have never seen otherwise. And this has allowed me to fall deeper in love with him.

The Importance of Dads - A letter to fathers

Dear Dads,

You are so important in your child's life!

I am sad that there is a belief out there that you are only good for working hard and "providing" for your family. I'm sad that you may have been lead to believe that you could never be as good at parenting your children as their mother and certainly not as nurturing. I'm sad that many women believe this. Because it flat out isn't true.

Research proves that you are so important. Kids who have dads that are hands-on involved in their lives have higher self-esteem, do better in school, and are socially more adjusted than kids whose fathers leave the majority of the child care to the mom. This is because you bring to the table qualities that most women don't. Not because you're better but because you're different, and kids need what you both have to offer.

A girl's sense of beauty and self-worth is largely influenced by you. When you are involved in your daughter's life, letting her know that she is precious and beautiful in your eyes, she is more likely to be confident in who she is and less likely to go seeking love and fulfillment in other ways and from other people. She learns what type of man to marry someday. She learns how men should treat her. What a great gift you can give to her!

Your son will learn from you what it means to be a man in this world. He'll learn how to treat women. He'll learn how to treat other people. He'll learn how to be a dad. Little boys want to be just like their dads. You have so much to teach them and an opportunity like none other to make a difference in this little life, and I believe that difference makes a difference in this world.

Moms need dads. It is difficult to raise children on your own. Some moms falsely believe that only they know best. Some even send the message that dads could never care for their kids as well as they can. But when dads work as a team with mom, family magic happens.

As a mom whose husband is deeply involved in my kids' life, I can't tell you how much deeper in love I am with him because of the great relationship he has with my kids. I can't begin to tell you how much it means to me to know that I have a partner in raising my kids. And I know that my kids are as great as they are because they get from my husband qualities and knowledge that I can't give to them. I feel so blessed to have an amazing husband who is an amazing dad!

Maybe you didn't have a great dad when you were a kid. Maybe you don't know what it looks like to be an involved, caring, nurturing parent. Maybe you only know how to be the "bad guy" or how to only be the "playmate". Most likely this is because that is what you were taught. It's not because that's how it has to be. You can learn to be so much more and it's so worth it!

But maybe you are one of those dads that is involved. You do parent your kids with love and grace and patience. You work as a united front with your child's mother. You take your responsibility as a dad to heart and see it as one of the most important jobs of your life. I want you to know that you are valued! Thank you for being the example to other fathers for what is possible. My hope is that what you contribute to your family doesn't get taken for granted and that you enjoy the thrill of raising your kids. Children bring so much joy to our lives!

Perhaps you've heard this all before. I'm sorry if this is the first time. Either way, you need to hear this. And you need to hear it again and again and again.

Blessings to you, Dads.

Tara

Bedtime With Daddy

It's 8:15. The kids have their jammies on. Teeth are brushed.

Two happy kids skip up to me. "Good night, Mom."

I get a kiss and a hug from each.

The kids turn away and begin their climb up the stairs calling behind them, "Come on, Dad!"

This is my husband's cue. He gets up and begins his own climb up the stairs to meet my son and daughter who by now are snuggled up in our bed with their Harry Potter book. Within moments I hear the gentle male voice reading, picking up where they left Harry last night.

It's 8:30. As I sit on the couch nursing the baby, I hear the familiar groans and the routine, "No, don't stop there, Dad!" Followed by the sound of my husband saying, "We'll find out more tomorrow. Time for bed."

Three pairs of feet are heard landing on the floor and hurrying down the hallway to the room the kids share. I hear my daughter climbing the ladder to the top bunk and my son's giggles as he hides under his big comforter.

And then it's suddenly quiet. I don't hear the sounds, but I know what is happening. Daddy is praying with each of them. First they pray, and then he does. A sacred moment.

It's 8:35. The finale of the bedtime routine is approaching.

"Good night, guys." Dad turns off the light and begins walking out of the room.

Two voices in unison sing out, "Good night, Dad! I love you!"

"I love you, too. Now go to sleep."

It's exactly the same every night, this special time with Dad. A bonding time between the kids and my husband.

Twenty minutes every night. Bedtime with Daddy. Memories, bonding and love that will last a lifetime.

Children Who Serve

One of the qualities I hope my children have is a love and compassion for other people. In fact, if I had to pick one characteristic above all others that I desire for my kids, it would be this one.

There are many things I try to intentionally do with my kids to help teach them the importance of caring and loving others. Service is one of these things.

Serving others is a very practical way of teaching kids how to love others. It takes them beyond the philosophical and abstract discussions of "we need to love and care for others" and goes to the concrete of "here's how you do it". Further, studies show that children who are involved in service are more likely to be involved in serving opportunities when they become adults.

Summer is a great time of year to look into service opportunities to do with your kids. There are community gardens and neighborhood clean up opportunities that are family friendly. Even preschoolers can pick weeds and pick up trash. Check out Idealist.org for a list of family volunteer opportunities in your area or check in with you local church for projects to get involved in. Personally, my kids are excited to participate in the ten thousand nets campaign this summer. They have set a goal of buying five nets. As a family we have been planning together ways to help them achieve their goal this summer.

But teaching your kids how to serve others involves more than just participating in a community service project once or twice a year. Serving others needs to be an expectation in their daily lives. Therefore, encourage your kids to assist you with chores around the house without them expecting to get something in return. Ask them to help their sibling put away the toys even though they didn't help make the mess. Create an expectation in your home that serving one another in your family is just as important as serving people outside of the family.

One more thing. It's easy as a parent to feel like your whole parenting life is about service. Still, serving others is often about going beyond what is expected of us. As parents, it's important to lead the way in serving others and this means our children and spouse. Modeling this can be in the simple things like offering to take over one of your kid's chores "just because" or helping them finish a job so they can get to their birthday party on time. It's pointing out how Dad served the kids today by getting up early to make them their favorite breakfast or how Mom did the dishes for Dad because he wasn't feeling well. It's OK to point out to your kids the specific examples of service you and your spouse do for each other and for your kids. This helps your kids learn what service looks like and how they can do it for others as well.

If serving each other in your family is something that has not been a high priority in your family, here's some ideas for introducing the concept or increasing the awareness in fun and easy ways.

1. Secret Servant - Each family member draws the name of another. They will be the secret servant of the name they drew. Before hand, discuss with your kids ways they could serve each family member should they draw their name. If you have children under five, try doing this for one day. Consider having a family Secret Servant day once a week, Sundays for example. Draw the names at breakfast and reveal who everyone served that day at dinner. Decide as a family if you'd like to do a longer stretch of time if you have older children.


2. Honored Family Member - Each week choose a family member that the rest of the family is going to focus on serving for the week. Once the honored member is chosen, discuss ways that person could be served throughout the week and divide tasks among each other.
   
3. The Giving Tree - Read the book "The Giving Tree" by Shel Silverstein. Create or buy a small "giving tree" to place on your table. During dinner, have a time where each member can say how they felt served by another family member. Using pieces of string, tie a bow on the tree for each act of service recognized. Enjoy watching your tree get filled up with the representations of your family's acts of service.

Making serving others, including serving each other in your family, a priority will help your child learn practical ways of caring for and loving someone else. Laying this foundation early in life will help increase the odds that he will be someone who actively cares for others as an adult. You will probably also discover that your family becomes transformed as you actively love and care for each other more intentionally.

Please share with us the ways your family serves in your community as well as each other. More ideas are always helpful!

Sometimes I Don't Want to Be a Mom

Sometimes I don't want to be a mom.

There. I said it.

Sometimes I just get tired of always being "on call," no days off, no sick days.

My days are filled with caring for a baby who has a lot of energy and has discovered she can get to just about any place in the house...really really fast. I can't take my eyes off her.

My afternoons are spent shuttling kids to lessons or helping them with homework.

Evenings are about making sure every one has been fed, and bathed, and gotten ready for bed.

At 8:30, all three of my kids go to bed. My husband and I dwell in the brief moment of silence, soaking in as much of it as we can. We know it will be short-lived. Because our 10-month-old will wake up between 10:30 and 11:00 for another feeding. Then she will probably wake up around 2:30 or 3:00 again needing help to go back to sleep. Sometimes we're lucky and she won't wake up again until 7:00. Sometimes we're not and she'll wake up one more time.

My oldest daughter sleepwalks.

Morning comes and I drag my sleep-deprived body out of bed motivated by the fact that the baby is on my bed, wide awake and excitedly crawling toward the cat at the end of the bed. Yes, this is almost an every morning occurrence. I don't know what motivates me more, fear that she's going to crawl off the edge of the bed or fear that she's going to pull out a huge chunk of my cat's hair, getting bit in the process. I can't remember the last time I woke up on my own, well-rested.

My son is like me. He hates getting up and likes to move slow in the morning. Not a great quality to have when you don't have a lot of time to get ready and leave the house on time. Almost every morning has something that challenges us from getting to school before the bell rings.

Every day is pretty much the same routine.

Weekends come. They should be a time for rest. Usually they aren't. With all five of us now home the energy level in the house skyrockets. It's our opportunity to get the house back in order after the busy week. The kids don't hide their disapproval of this.

My son likes to be really loud. He thinks it's funny. The baby likes to copy his loud noises. All
three kids think this is funny. Dad and I don't.

The kids argue. Sometimes with each other. Sometimes with me.

And sometimes...well...I just don't want to be a mom.

I collapse on the couch. I pretend there are no kids around me. I do the math in my head. How many years left do I have of this?

Then, my oldest daughter sees me and snuggles up beside me. "You're the best mom, ever, " she says and snuggles in deeper.

As I put my arm around her, I notice movement on the floor. The baby is crawling toward me at warp speed. A huge smile is lighting up her face. She reaches the couch, pulls herself up and tries to pull herself up onto the couch to join us.

"Hi goofball, " I say. "You want up, too?" I swing her up and now I have my two girls beside me.

A moment later, the front door opens and in bursts my son. "Mom! Mom!" he says. "I have something for you!" He rushes over to the couch and opens his hand. Inside is a sparkly rock. "I found this rock and wanted to give it to you," he explains.

He crawls up on the couch so that I can have a closer look.

I smile. My three beautiful children are near. And I love each of them so very much.

The best part of being a mom is moments like these. Moments when my kids remind me of the bigger picture. When they take me out of my selfish pity party and point out how full my life is with these little lives in mine. I'm humbled by how much they love me and feel ashamed at how quickly I forgot.

Sometimes being a mom is tiring, and overwhelming, and hard. But I wouldn't change being one for the world!

Instead, I think I'll set up an appointment for a massage.

Treating Kids the Way You Want to be Treated

Today I was reminded what it feels like to be a kid, particularly what it feels like to be parented without consistency. I got to feel how it feels to randomly have a rule that had really never been enforced before suddenly be enforced with a huge consequence and to receive that consequence with no warning that a consequence was going to be issued if the rule was broken. I felt the desire to then want to protest and argue the unfairness of the random enforcement of the rule. I was reminded how it feels to not understand the rule in the first place, feeling like it was a stupid rule to begin with. I was reminded of the feeling of resentment and anger toward those in authority who, from my perspective, didn't care at all about my side of the story, totally giving the "a rule's a rule because I said so" stance, and "I'm in charge and you're not," so there! I remembered what it's like to be a kid sometimes and it was a good reminder.

Today I got a parking ticket. Even as I type that, I am still so angry about it.


Here's my side of the story:

Due to the distance of my children's school, I have to drive them to school everyday. My son is in ECE and the school requires that parents come inside the school to sign preschoolers in an out. So, every morning, I have to park the car and haul both kids and the baby into the school.

The school is a neighborhood school built in the 1950's. It wasn't designed to have tons of traffic in front of it dropping off kids. But the school is a great school and one of the few IB elementary schools in Denver, so many families have used the Denver School Choice program to send their kids to this school. As a result, every morning there is a lot of traffic.

To add to this, this year they added more buses delivering students to this school. Unfortunately, they use full-size buses to deliver a handful of children. These buses need a lot of room. So they put up signs this year that practically reserved the entire front side of the school for bus parking. However, thisis also the side where you pick up and drop off your kids, .

School starts at 9:00. The buses are long gone by 8:45 and by 9:50 or 9:55 when I arrive to drop off my kids there is just one long empty sidewalk inviting me to park my car beside in order to deliver my preschooler and 1st-grader into the school entrance. Everyday since the first day of school, this has been where we've parked, along with most of the other parents of ECE'ers. There has never been an issue parking here as long as the buses are gone.

If you follow me on Facebook, you may have notice my brief rant I posted about a week-and-a-half ago (I'm sure it's still there on my wall if you're interested). On that day, there was a parking enforcer standing on the empty side of the street telling us all we could not park there and directing us to park across the street. I followed the directions but did not understand why this was suddenly being enforced. It upset me that I had to take my three kids across the busy street instead of being able to take them out on the safer "school side" where there were no buses and plenty of safe parking space. It seemed ridiculous, and bureaucratic, and like someone just had too much time on their hands.

The next day, parking guy was not there redirecting the cars. Nor was he there the rest of the week or Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday of this week. And so, with no buses in site, the safety of my kids in mind, and the convenience of being in front of the school near the entrance I, along with most of the other parents, went back to parking in front of the school as we had done before. And for the past week-and-a-half, there were no consequences for doing so, just like there hadn't been the entire school year.

Until today. Today I came back out to my car after having dropped off my kids to find a man writing me out a ticket.

While it's true there are signs posted saying, "bus loading zone," and technically I was parked where I shouldn't have parked since I don't drive a school bus, and so he was legally justified in giving me a parking ticket, I was still struck by the thoughts and feelings that went through my mind.

Instead of taking ownership of my behavior I started to criticize in my mind the law enforcement and the school who most likely called in the law enforcement. I was angry at them for suddenly punishing me out of the blue without warning that such punishments were going to now be issued. I felt like I was being treated unfairly. I was frustrated that there was no room for discussion about what was fair for all parties. I felt bullied by the ticketing officer who arrogantly handed me my ticket and told me to start reading the signs, "that are posted everywhere." It was infuriating how condescending it all was, how arbitrary, and how...stupid!

I looked at my ticket and saw I had 20 days to pay it. The first thought that came through my head was, "They're not getting my money until day 20, that's for sure." It was me against them. I even wondered if I was going to park on the other side of the street everyday from now on, or only when I saw the parking police out giving tickets (now that I'm a bit more clear-headed on the issue, I will park on the other side, but still not calm enough to think I won't do it begrudgingly).


My intention is not to undermine authority or bash law enforcement. There is another side to this story and I am sure reasons behind what they decided to do today.

I share this story with you to focus on the similarities to a child's perspective when parents enforce rules randomly and arbitrarily. How frustrated they feel when consequences are given out without warning! When parents become a dictatorship and don't offer opportunities to understand the child's point of view, don't leave room for grace or compromise, and don't set realistic and fair rules with logical consequences, they are resentful and angry at their parents, not taking ownership for their mistakes. As a result, they're not focused on how to do it differently next time. Instead, they are focused on how to accept as little of the consequence as possible and maybe how they can "get back" by purposely looking for loopholes to get away with the behavior again in the future. The parent/child relationship becomes an "us" versus "them."

Experiences like this are helpful reminders when it comes to parenting. It helps us to remember to treat our kids the way we would like to be treated in similar situations. While my experience today was irritating to say the least, I can take it and use it to be a better parent when implementing and enforcing rules in my own home. And I guess that's worth the value of the ticket.

My Three Kids Aren't a Handful

Samantha was on my hip with a big smile. Nathanael and Isabella had happily skipped away, each with a penny in their hand to go ride the horse. I stood at the checkout pleased with how quickly this trip to the grocery store went preparing to swipe my credit card for payment.

And then the checkout man made "the comment".

"Wow! You sure have your hands full."

This is just one of the many versions of this type of comment that people offer to parents, especially those of us with more than one child. The comments range from "Bless your heart for taking care of three kids, " to "You are so brave to take all your kiddos out," to "Three kids! Wow! One is plenty for me!"

I'm not sure who decided way back when that comments like these were like the secret handshake amongst adults. For me, comments like these fall into the same category as "people who feel like they can touch your tummy when you're pregnant"and "people who grab your baby's hands or face in effort to make baby interact with them." Absolutely annoying!

I guess it annoys me so much because I don't view my kids as a handful. I don't think for a moment that I'm some super hero for raising three kids (there are plenty of parents out there who have way more children to care for than I do), and I actually love having more than one child. In fact, I think having more than one child is easier and more fun in many ways than just having one.

Sure, there are moments in time when three is overwhelming. But for me, these are exceptions and not the general rule of life with three kids.

More importantly, I hate that my kids keep hearing these comments from adults. I've got to think at some point they've got to wonder whether adults really think that kids are such a life burden. It is for this reason that I am always quick to respond to such comments with a, "Nah, my kids are great," or "The two older ones are actually 'big helps' and are great to their little sister" or "I love having more than one!" I make sure my kids hear my response as often as possible. Even when they aren't around, I still respond positively about my kids. What I say about them when they can't hear me is just as important as what I say when they can.

People are usually surprised by my comeback I think because I'm supposed to seem grateful that they are being sympathetic to the assumed plight of a mom with multiple children. And I think I may offend them that I'm not participating correctly in this social exchange that is supposed to be accepted. But I want them to know that my kids are not a handful. They are really great kids with great hearts. They are good listeners and super helpful and generally really easy to go just about anywhere with. And I am so proud to be their mom!

So, please, stop the sympathetic comments. If you're a parent, don't play into this terrible exchange that occurs among adults. Join with me in letting others know that these comments are no longer the secret handshake amongst parents. Let's stand up for our kids and let the world know they are not a burden. Let's let the world know that having more than one child is a blessing, not a curse.

Maybe we can even start a new secret exchange. Maybe something like, "Three kids? Wow! How awesome!" A wink and a hive five would be fun, too!

The "Family Vacation" Vacation

It was one of our first real family vacations. Isabella was three and Nate was one. We spent a whole week in Vail with my husband's parents. About three days in, my husband Asa and I were sitting in the sun by the creek while our kids were splashing in the water. I turned to Asa and said, "This is so great! I love being away with you and the kids, out of the daily routine. I feel like I am enjoying my kids more this week and really feel like we're having some great family bonding."

Asa got really quiet and didn't say anything for a few minutes. Finally he said, "I feel so guilty now. Before you said that, I was actually sitting here thinking how this vacation is such a drag. It hasn't felt like much of a vacation at all. We're still full-time parents just in a different location."

My husband was experiencing what most new parents experience. The realization that your life is not just yours anymore. Many things we experienced before kids will never be the same now that children are in the mix. A family vacation is one of these things. It's just not the same thing as those vacations we experienced without kids. But that doesn't mean that things are now worse. They are just different. And as Asa and I talked about it more, we concluded that we just needed a mind shift in expectations.

A family vacation is not just about the parents getting away and relaxing. Some parents never realize this and end up hating family vacations because kids ruin this expectation for them. They resent their kids being there. Tensions run high the duration of the trip. Parents fuss. Kids argue. There may be glimmers of enjoyment, but overall everyone wonders why they did the vacation in the first place. Everyone comes home needing a vacation from their vacation.
Other parents decide that they are just parents, let go of all parts of who they are outside of parenthood, and make their family vacation all about the kids. All activities, locations, and food choices are all decided based on what will make the kids happy. The vacation is really an entertainment package for the kids, and while Mom and Dad may feel some joy in giving their kids a great vacation, parents get little or any opportunity to rejuvenate their own souls, connect with each other, and still may end up secretly resenting their kids for robbing them of their vacation time. Parents come home still needing a vacation from their vacation.

Families will enjoy their vacation when they change their expectations. A family vacation is about enjoying each other as a family. Not just making sure the parents are happy. Not just making sure the kids are happy. It's about doing something together as a family to create new experiences together and forming lasting memories. It's about getting the kids to try new foods or go to the local museum because they know it's something important to Mom or to Dad. It's about enduring the crowds and going to the festival because it's something the kids really want to do. And most importantly, it's about understanding that a family vacation does not take the place of a" parents only" vacation that needs to happen periodically as well.

We just came back from one of many family vacations we have taken since that trip to Vail. We were very thoughtful in how we planned the week to make sure that it was enjoyable for everyone. This time, we rented a house instead of staying at a hotel so that we could put the kids to bed at night and still stay up to sit outside drinking wine by the pool instead of feeling trapped every night in a hotel room once the kids went to bed. This also allowed us to not only save money on food, but be more flexible in making sure there was good food choices for everyone. Once we were at our destination, we had a family discussion about what each family member wanted to make sure they did during the trip and planned out together when and how we would make sure those things got accomplished. And when our nine-month-old woke up almost every night at 1:00 am for an hour-long cry fest, my husband and I would joke that at least we're up in the middle of the night feeling the ocean breeze.

By the way, my husband loves going on family vacations with our kids now. He enjoys getting to make up for the time he doesn't get to see them during the work week. He loves showing them new places and interacting with them as they experience new things. As a family, we enjoy our time together and the adventures we have. Because the family vacation is still a vacation. It breaks the everyday routine. It allows our brains and our bodies to do something fun with people we love. It slows down life and provides rest when needed. It's about not necessarily having to go somewhere, but not having obligations that prevent us from doing something if we want. This is vacation.

Family vacations are not a vacation from parenting. They're not a vacation from being a kid. These things come with us on our trip. We accept that going in. And because of that, we enjoy our vacation together.

Teaching Kids to Be Good Sports

I'm going to just be honest here. My little family of mine is made up of some very competitive individuals. I know that my husband and I lead the way on this. We enjoy healthy competition. We regularly play competitive games and we do keep score. I particularly love playing cards and strategy games with my husband because they are one of the few kinds of games I actually have a chance at beating him at. And Oh! how I love to beat my husband! Because my husband loves to win, too and he's really good at games of all kinds. He is not one of those "I'll ease up to let you have a chance" kind of individuals. And so when you beat him at a game, you feel a sense of accomplishment and want to bask in the moment.



When we first got our Wii, my daughter, then six, had this amazing natural ability with the Wii sports games, especially tennis. The first day, my daughter won almost every single game she played against her dad, complete with these killer serves that resulted in ace after ace. Like me, my daughter seized the opportunity to relish in the fact that she had "dominated" her daddy. True to his nature, my husband stayed up past midnight playing Wii tennis over and over so he would be sure not to be so "dominated" by his six-year-old the next morning. When my daughter discovered that Daddy had gained some skills overnight, she was driven to practice practice practice so as not to lose her ability to hold her own with her dad.


There was recently this wide-spread trend in childhood education circles that we should shelter our children from competition. No longer were there winners and losers. Everyone got rewarded with ribbons for effort. Soccer games were about the joy of playing soccer and no score was officially kept. The problem was, it didn't work. In fact, in some ways it had a negative impact on children. Psychologist and sociologists witnessed children who lost motivation to really put their full effort into activities. After all, what's the point if we're all going to get praised just for showing up? And kids really weren't being fooled by the new game playing strategy set by adults. While there was no official score kept, most of the kids on the soccer team knew how many goals each team had scored and who really was the winner. Kids were left wondering why adults were lying to them and were suspicious of the motivations for why games were being played if not to see who would win.


The truth that most human development experts have known for some time is that competition is an important part of human development. It drives the survival of the species. It encourages goal setting. It motivates learning. And it teaches an undeniable aspect of life, that it is full of experiences of competition. We compete against our peers for the next promotion at our jobs. We compete against other bidders for that house on the corner we want. We compete against thousands of other fans to claim the limited number of tickets available for the U2 concert. And sometimes we win. And lots of times we lose.


All this aside, playing games is fun. Yes, losing is disappointing. We all would prefer to win. But for most of us who have learned to play games for the enjoyment of the game know that it's worth the risk of losing for the sake of having fun and bonding with our friends and family. This is ultimately what we need to help our children learn as well.


Instead of sheltering our children from competition, parents should embrace it as an opportunity to help their children appropriately deal with winning and losing. I think most parents would agree that they desire for their child to be a humble winner and a gracious loser. Why? Because we hope that we would behave this way in similar situations, and we certainly hope that others would, too. After all, if we're going to go through life regularly involved in various competitions it would be nice if others would be humble winners when we lose and gracious to us when we win. Right?

So how do we help our children become good sports? Here's some quick tips to help teach your kids how to have fun competing and win and lose with dignity:

1. 
   Do not tolerate behavior that is inappropriate regardless of whether or not it's taunting or excessive celebration in times of winning or pouting and tantrums in times of losing. Clearly let your child know that you are not impressed with this behavior and will stop the activity, leave, etc. Follow through with this so your child learns that attention gets removed when they try to bring attention to themselves inappropriately.


2. Let your children lose. Be careful not to always let your child win. You don't want your child to expect to win all the time. Life does not work this way. And your child will be in for a shock when his peers don't let him win at the games they play together. Use losing in the "safe" environment of your home as an easy way to practice losing gracefully. Play games with them that they can reasonably win on their own but that it's possible they could also loose.


3. Help your child take the focus off them in winning and losing by asking them to think about what the other person or team did well. Encourage them to share their observations with the other players.


4. Before your child starts a game, remind them that we will cheer for whoever wins. This is the rule in order to play the game. Make it fun to celebrate whoever wins.


5. Watch sports games and other competitions with your child and talk about what both teams are doing well and what each could be doing better. Discuss how the winners are feeling and how the losers are feeling. Point out examples of good sportsmanship and help your child recognize when someone is not being a good sport.


6. When your child loses, help them try to process why. Was it a game of chance? If so, approach the game as something exciting. Who will win this time? Was it a game of skill? Is there something they could have done differently? Is there something they could practice or keep learning? Empower your child to learn from their experience instead of feeling helpless in their loss.


7. When your child wins, of course celebrate and be happy with your child. Talk about what your child did that contributed to their win. And if they are playing on a team, make sure your child recognizes what others contributed to the win. But remember to teach that winning isn't everything. Make sure that you are giving praise and attention outside of games and competition so that your child doesn't feel like they've let you down as well as themselves if they lose, or that they gain your approval only when they win at something.


8. Make sure that you are modeling good sportsmanship yourself. Be aware of the messages you send when you are watching sports games, other competitive shows, even political elections.
   

We have fun with our kids. We tease each other and playfully "smack talk". But I love that when my daughter wins the board game my son says, "Good job, Isabella!" and gives her a high five. I love that when my daughter's best friend won the Super Citizen Award at her school, Isabella started crying, not because she was so disappointed that she didn't win it but because she was so happy that her best friend did. I love that my kids get to witness their dad shaking the hands of the other soccer team he just played telling them, "good game" and reliving some of the great plays of the game with them even though his team just lost.

It is true that some parents do not teach their children well about about how to be a good sport. Unfortunately, experiences with these families give us all a bad taste about competition. Don't let these few bad apples spoil it for your child. With your guidance your child can be a great winner and loser and enjoy the competitions life has in store.

Are Kids Allowed to Get Angry?

Are kids allowed to get angry?

It may seem like a silly question at face value. I would guess that most of us would answer, "of course" to that question. And yet, parents often respond to their child's anger as if they have no right to feel that emotion.

Think about it. Your preschooler has an absolute meltdown when you say it's time to leave the park even though you've been there two hours. The child is clearly angry that it is time to leave. But what do we say as a parent? "Stop that! You are being dramatic. This is not something to have a meltdown about. We've been here for two hours and it's time to go. If you don't cut it out we're not coming back next time!"

Or, your seven-year-old is mad at her friend because she's not playing fair. Your child is crying, arms crossed, flung on the couch, full of frustration. Response? "Your friend is here to play with you. If you can't figure it out, then we'll just send your friend home. You're being ridiculous!"

We even have similar responses to our babies who get angry. Your exhausted little one still protests in anger when you dare to try to get them to go to sleep. "Come on," we sigh in exasperation. "You are so tired. Just take your binky and go to sleep already!"

We get stuck with our kids' anger when we expect that what gets us angry should also get our children angry (messy rooms, homework not getting completed, etc.) and what isn't a big deal to us also shouldn't be a big deal to our child (leaving the park after hours of playtime, waiting until after dinner for the cookie, etc.).

But our kids aren't us. And what is important to them isn't necessarily what's important to us. Further, kids have a right to feel angry over the things that are important to them whether we understand their reasons or not. Just like us adults, nothing is more frustrating to a child than being told you aren't allowed to feel what you feel or having your emotions dismissed as being childish.

That being said, children do need to handle their anger appropriately. But they need to learn how, and this is where parents often fail. Unfortunately, parents tend to put energy into trying to get their children to stop feeling angry instead of teaching their children what to DO when they feel angry.

Here are some tips to help you teach your kids to be angry without making life miserable for everyone else.

1. Anger is a secondary emotion. That means we feel it after we feel something else first. Help your child determine their first emotion. Are they hurt? Disappointed? Discouraged? Scared? Feeling out of control? Knowing the first emotion gives you something to talk about and address with them. Recognizing this first emotion helps children feel understood.
2. If you think of degrees of anger as being on a scale of 0 - 10 (zero being not angry at all and ten being the angriest a person can get) don't try to interact or solve a problem with a child who is clearly at "5" or above on that anger scale. Whether you are a child or an adult, no one can think clearly or act appropriately when they are this angry. Provide a cool down spot for your child (removed away from everyone else) for them to stay until they are ready to talk like a "big boy" or "big girl". This is not a punishment. Stay calm and lovingly escort them to their spot explaining what they need to do (calm down so we can talk) and be OK with waiting as long as it takes for them to realize they need to be calm before they get your attention again.
3. Give your child options for what they can do instead when they feel angry. They can say, "I don't like that" instead of "I don't like you". They can jump up and down instead of hitting. They can even say, "That makes me mad!" But they cannot scream, hit, throw a tantrum, break things or make a scene. Let your child know that you will always listen to them when they talk to you appropriately but will not listen when they don't. Then, make this the rule and expectation. Do not let inappropriate ways if handling anger ever be tolerated regardless of where you are or the situation. Never justify or excuse their behavior. Remember, you are preparing them for adulthood. Their future boss will not let them get away with a complete meltdown just because they were tired, or hungry, or not feeling well. Your job is to stay consistent with this expectation so that your child is able to learn how to be angry appropriately now and into adulthood.
4. Talk through their emotion with them. For example, "You're feeling really disappointed that it's time to leave. I understand. You were having a lot of fun. It's OK to feel disappointed. But we'll come again."
5. Redirect their anger in a positive way as soon as you can and let them use their anger to empower them. Questions like, "You don't like the way your friend is playing with you. What are some ways you could solve that problem with your friend?" or "Next time we come to the park, what do you want to make sure you do right away so you don't feel like you run out of time?" or "You feel like you miss out on playtime when it's time to do homework. How could you get your homework done and still feel like you have good playtime?"
6. In the midst of anger, coach your child through appropriate cool down techniques such as taking deep breaths, getting a drink of water, running up and down the stairs, stepping outside for some fresh air, or scribbling on a piece of paper. Doing something physical is the quickest way to calm down. If your child refuses to do any of these things or is too angry to make this decision, choose for your child and put them somewhere removed from everyone until they calm themselves down on their own.
7. Most importantly, make sure that you are modeling appropriate anger behaviors with your children. Children copy the behavior they see their parents do. Don't yell and throw "adult tantrums" when you're angry if you don't want to deal with these same behaviors with your children. Let them see you angry and the steps you take to calm yourself down. They also need to see you act on your anger in a way that positively solves your problem and resolves conflict.

If you don't know how to appropriately handle your own anger and solve your own problems you can't help your children learn these skills either. It's OK to take a class (like those offered at Xylem Family Resource) or seek other resources that can help you learn these skills so that you are able to be a better teacher to your kids. Seeking help does not mean you're a bad parent. It means you're a good one.

Finally, your child doesn't get their way just because they handled their anger appropriately. But when they do and you reward that by taking the time to acknowledge and process their feelings with them it does help them feel valued. And while they may not want to admit it in the moment, that is more important to them in the long run.

How Do You Know Your Mom Loves You (reprise)

Yes, this is cheating a bit. I am reposting one of my very first posts on this blog. It seemed appropriate given that Valentine’s Day is this weekend. If you have followed us on the Xylem Family Resource fan page on Facebook, you know that we’ve been doing a “14 Days of Love” challenge trying to add to a list of things we love about each person in our family until we have a list of 14 things by Valentine’s Day. So, while thinking about this season, I thought again about this post and decided to share it again to remind myself of these words and encourage and inspire you. By the way, this was written before my sweet Samantha was born. She’s not mentioned in this post, but rest assured, I am just as in love with her! =) Enjoy!

Posted 2/24/09

I just filled out one of those things that get passed around on Facebook. On this one, I had to ask my daughter a variety of questions about me and then write down the answers she gave.

One of the questions Isabella had to answer was “What is something Mom always says to you?” Isabella answered, “That she loves me.” Another question was, “How do you know your Mom loves you? Isabella answered, “Because she keeps telling me.”

I love that she answered these questions this way and without hesitation. It is so important to me that my kids DO know I love them. And I strongly believe that a parent can never tell their child too many times that they love them.

So, Isabella is right. I do tell her all the time. I always make sure it’s the last thing my kids hear from me before I leave or before they go somewhere. I say it before they go to bed. I will randomly say it for no particular reason when we’re driving in the car and there’s a lull in the conversation. I tell them when they’ve done something that makes me smile. I tell them as I kiss away their tears.

“I love you” is spoken when I find myself remembering I love them, like when they sing a really sweet song or turn into complete goof-balls making me laugh. And I especially love saying “I love you” when I got one of my kids all to myself, cuddled on the couch, no reason at all, and I can just whisper it quietly in their ear like it’s our little secret.

But, while I may tell my kids that I love them more than the average parent, I know that most parents tell their kids they love them, too. And I bet if we took a large group of kids and asked them how they know their mom loves them, many of them would say, “because she tells me.”

When I taught third grade, I had a girl in my class who it turned out was being horrifically sexually abused by her dad. Fortunately, the dad was easily convicted and sent to jail. While the rest of us were jumping for joy, my sweet student began grieving. She would stay after school and tell me how much she missed her dad. She would tell me she loved him. And despite all the things this man did to his little girl, my student would tell me how much her dad loved her. Because, even children who are abused believe at some level that their parents love them. Unfortunately, their understanding of a parent’s love for their child is twisted and distorted.

I have even worked with many families who tell their kids they love them maybe once or twice a day at the routine times, possibly more given the circumstances. But when I ask their kids why do your parents love you, they get stuck, or they’ll tell me because they’re supposed to, or because their parents feed them and take care of them.

Knowing this. Seeing this. It motivates me with own my kids.

I want my kids to know that I love them not just because I’m their mom and all moms love their kids. I don’t want my kids to know that I love them just because I tell them. I don’t want my kids to know I love them because I take care of them and buy them things and keep them safe. All of these do show them to some degree that I love them. But I want them to know I love them because they are lovable human beings. That it is them as a unique person that I love.

I love their blue eyes and blond hair and their little belly buttons. I love Nate’s soft high-pitched laugh. I could listen to it all day. I love Isabella’s enthusiasm for knowledge and how excited she gets when she learns something new. I love watching them play together and being loving and caring toward each other. I love their hearts and how they want to share and care for others. I love watching Isabella swing and the look of pure happiness as she goes higher and higher. I love how Nate is so much a boy in so many ways but loves more than anyone to give hugs and kisses and to just cuddle. These are the things I also tell them all the time. The specifics. The “why” behind my love. So there’s never a doubt that I love my kids, and there’s never an assumption that I love them because I have to.

I love Isabella because I love Isabella. I love Nate because I love Nate. And I want to make sure that my kids know that my love for them is more than just a mom loving her kids. And my hope is that if Isabella had to give more than just a quick answer to the question “How do you know your mom loves you?” she would be able to say so much more than “because she keeps telling me.”