Be Still My Soul

Several weeks ago I started to memorize the first verse to the song “Be Still My Soul”. I planned to use it as comfort and strength through my labor. Each line jumped out at me as speaking directly toward different aspects that I would be experiencing through the process. Almost every night for the past four weeks I have sung the verse to myself over and over envisioning using it to focus through contractions.

Be still my Soul the Lord is on your side
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain
Leave to your God to order and provide
Through every change God faithful will remain
Be still my Soul your best, your heavenly friend
Through thorny ways brings to a joyful end

Yesterday, I was told that I needed to have a c-section. At 40 weeks and 6 days pregnant, I have a baby that is not descending into my pelvis and remains “high” in my uterus. I also have a cervix that looks no different today than it did 9 months ago despite trying many different methods to get both situations to change. In a quest to discover what could be going on, I went in for a very extensive ultrasound. It showed I have a very healthy, happy baby who moves A LOT, with a strong heartbeat. From what we can tell, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the baby. But the umbilical cord is clearly wrapped around its neck which is what they suspect is holding the baby up so high, preventing the pressure needed for effacement and dilation to have started to occur by now.

On top of this, the baby was measuring at 9 lbs 11 oz. Ultrasounds can be inaccurate on this, on average +/- 1 pound. However, that still leaves a baby that could be around 8 lbs 11oz if looking toward the lower end of possibility. Definitely a baby I could deliver (my son was 8lb 9oz), but it was felt that it was still a heavy enough baby that if it suddenly dropped into my pelvis with the cord around its neck it could create a bad situation. If left to go into labor on my own, there could be a strong possibility, that at the very least, the baby could be choked and have a very stressful birth. At the worse…well…we can all imagine. Of course there remains the possibility that the baby could be born vaginally with no problems. After all, babies are born with cords around their necks all the time. And who knows what could change in the days ahead? However, my husband and I had to weigh one set of risks against another and ultimately concluded that the risks of having a vaginal birth outweighed the risks of a c-section. And so, we scheduled the surgery for today.

But this decision didn’t come without disappointment, anger and grief.

I know that many of you reading this don’t understand that at all. I know many of you have only experienced c-section births and thought it was great. Little pain, except for healing. Quick delivery. Baby with a perfectly round head. Whole process over in less than an hour. My daughter was a c-section. And despite the complications I experienced with mine, I understand where some of you are coming from. Especially if you’ve had one c-section, doing the same with subsequent births seems easier than trying for a VBAC.

Some of you kinda get what I feel. You have had vaginal births and know that it can be an amazing experience. Fortunately, many of you have never had to make the decision whether to deliver this way or not. But maybe you still don’t understand why I would WANT to go through labor. After all, it can be long. It hurts. A lot. It’s tiring. I know many parents who don’t see the process as a highlight for them. That the baby at the end is all that matters. Bring on the drugs and let’s just get to the baby. I get this point of view, too. My son was a VBAC. I was in labor for 32 hours. It was long and hard and in the end I ended up with an epidural, which really did make the last eight hours wonderful as I got to rest to prepare to eventually push out a very healthy baby.

I don’t in any way want to imply that anyone who has had only c-sections is any less of a parent because of that. Or that a medicated birth makes you a wimp. That if you never tried a VBAC when the opportunity presented itself that you just caved into your fears. We all have our own stories. We all have our reasons for doing things the way we have done them. And regardless of the birth experience you have, you can still be a wonderful parent to your child. Please hear me loud and clear on that one. I am just explaining my personal reasons for why I am grieving. What I feel I’m missing out on. Why having a natural birth meant so much to me.

For me, birth is more than just a healthy baby in the end. Of COURSE this is the most important, but it’s not the ONLY thing that is important to me. Birth for me has so much more meaning than just getting the baby out of my belly. I strongly believe that God designed the process of birth to be the way it is for a reason. I think it prepares us for parenthood in an unique way that only labor and birth can. I think there is something spiritual about trusting God’s design of your body… that it WAS made to birth. It forces you to release fear and surrender to a process that you can’t control. There are only a handful of opportunities in a mother’s life to experience this amazing design the way it was intended. And for someone who values meaning and connection to generations before me, there is something about joining in with the millions of women before me who successfully birthed babies, some in the dirt, not with drugs, and they did it. And I wanted to do that with them. I think of all my reasons for a natural birth, this is the most difficult for me to articulate. So, I’ll just leave it at that.

There is also a bonding I felt with my son as we labored together knowing that he was working just as hard as I was to be born. The two of us were in this together which led to this feeling of “we did it” as I held him for the first time. And while I definitely don’t love my daughter any less than my son and absolutely was able to bond with her after her birth, there was something significantly different in how that all came about with her compared to how it happened with my son.

And so my plan was to experience the birthing process again with this baby. I wanted a chance to even “do it better” by my standards. Knowing what to expect, knowing what I could have done differently to make my labor even easier, knowing ahead of time that “I can DO this”…I was excited to do labor and delivery again, this time with the goal of staying home as long as possible to avoid drugs and the interventions that can come when the hospital staff discovers they’re dealing with a VBAC.

So many people are always surprised when I tell them I had a successful VBAC and that I would do it again. And so there is also a part of me that wanted to show that not only can it be done once but twice!

As a result, in the last 24 hours I’ve cried a lot. This is not what I had planned. But as my good friend pointed out to me last night, I have to still surrender to this birth. I have to surrender my expectations. I have to surrender my control. I have to surrender my perceptions and let go of the pressure I put on myself regarding who I think I need to be for others. It’s hard. But some of that process is what I believe birth does for a mom anyway. I’m just having to do it from a different approach.

Last night, the words to my song came back to me. I was immediately struck how line by line it still spoke to me but in a whole different and new way. As I work on releasing my anger at the unfairness I feel toward my situation I’m reminded the Lord is on my side. As I grieve the lost opportunity of a vaginal birth knowing this was my last child, I stay patient. And though this is an unexpected change in plans, God remains faithful. I believe He is a friend that will take this difficult situation and turn it into joy. Because in less than eight hours, I will be holding my new precious little one and my soul will be still.

Off to Have a Baby...

No blog post this week. I'm off to have another baby. Looking forward to sharing stories involving this new little one with you soon!

Blessings!
Tara

Kids and Media

It comes up all the time in parenting conversations. What is OK for our kids to watch on TV and movies? Do we let them play video games and on the computer?

This is a huge topic with lots to be addressed in the discussion. I could probably write a book just on this (maybe I will someday). But for now, let me just briefly share how I address this with my kids.

To start with, my husband and I have developed a set of values that are the foundation for everything we do regarding our kids. These values are the things that we have decided are most important to us as a family and that we want our children to possess as adults. For us it’s things like loving and caring for others, respecting ourselves and others, and not using violence to solve problems.

We also are aware of the developmental and cognitive abilities of our children. For instance, kids are slow to develop abstract thinking, a skill that doesn’t really set in until around age 10. And preschoolers and early elementary-aged children still struggle with making the distinction between reality and fantasy.

Additionally, we’re aware that one of the ways kids learn what we value and what is important to us is by observing where we spend our time. If we say it is important to us to love and care for others but then spend a significant amount of time watching movies or playing video games where this isn’t the case, we’re sending a mixed message to our kids. We can’t fool ourselves that kids will be able to believe us when we say it’s not OK to solve our problems by hitting but then have them watch us be regularly entertained by people duking it out or shooting each other. So, we are very conscious of what we allow our kids to see us paying attention to.

With our standards in place and keeping in mind how our kids are learning, it becomes easier to make decisions about all our various parenting practices including what kinds of media to expose our kids to.

My husband and I are very careful when choosing what movies, video games and books our kids can watch and read and try to eliminate those that are strong in the behaviors we don’t want our kids to model. We don’t want to teach our children that violence and foul language and promiscuous behavior is appropriate, entertaining, and acceptable at any time.

That being said, even classic fairy tales have elements of violence and instances of not caring for others. We can’t possibly (and don’t want to) eliminate every single movie, game, or book from our children’s lives. We don’t want to raise sheltered children. This means that most of the time we have to be very involved in the media that our kids are interacting with so that we can address any behavior that goes against our values as a family. And if we don’t want to be involved, or don’t have time to be, then we flat out won’t allow them to watch or play or read that particular title at that time.

Here’s a recent example of how I stayed involved in the media my kids were watching. Last week I took the kids to see Disney Pixar’s ”UP” (great movie by the way). But there were several instances throughout the movie that went against our family values. Instead of packing up the kids and “rescuing them,” I actively stayed engaged throughout the movie, ready to answer their questions and searching for teachable moments. At one point I whispered to them, “That wasn’t very nice, was it?” when the old man whacked another guy in the head causing him to bleed. And then pointed out to my kids the consequence the old man received as a result of his behavior. We also processed together many of the events of the movie on the way home. I didn’t just leave it at “did you like the movie?”

In case you’re also wondering, I do let my kids play on the computer. They are allowed on NickJr.com, Playhouse Disney, and PBS kids, three sites that I know are fun, educational and I feel comfortable enough about the material that I don’t feel I always have to stay fully involved when my kids are playing there. Any other sites they visit are only when I am sitting there with them. Now that she’s starting to grow out of the younger preschool sites, my school-aged daughter and I are gradually exploring other sites that she can visit that I will eventually feel comfortable enough to let her play on without me right beside her.

As for video games, we have a Wii and they play Mario Kart and the various sports games we have. We introduced them to Star Wars by letting them play Lego Star Wars, originally playing with them. But that’s about it for now.

They can watch PBS on TV anytime when I’m not in the room. And Qubo on Saturday mornings. All other programs they ask permission to watch or watch with a parent.

And if you’re wondering about toy guns in our house, we do have water guns and Jedi Light Sabers. The rule is we cannot shoot or kill people even in play. They can shoot monsters and robots, but not people. We explain to them regularly that we don’t even pretend to hurt people and we don’t find people getting hurt entertaining.

However, we also regularly watch The Simpsons with our kids (switching the channel briefly when Itchy and Scratchy come on). We have watched with them Star Wars movies 3, 4, and 5. And while the majority of the time we listen to Way FM in the mini van, my daughter’s two favorite songs are”Root Down” by the Beastie Boys and “Holiday” by Greenday. Nate likes Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” and Rihanna’s “Please Don’t Stop the Music”.

Like I said at the beginning, this is a big topic and there is plenty more to be said about it. Let’s chew on this much for now. What would you like to see addressed on this topic in the future? What questions do you have? Leave a comment below.

Is Anyone Else Doing That?

It's important that we provide our kids instruction on appropriate behavior in a variety of ways. One of my favorite teaching tools, and often the most effective, is the "Look around you. Is anyone else doing that?" technique, or more simply, the observation technique.

Here's an example of how I used this parenting strategy recently:

To start with, I get it that it can sometimes be hard for two younger kids to sit still and be patient when you're at a relatively nice restaurant that doesn't immediately put the food in front of you the second you order it or only calls you to the table when the meal is ready to be served. However, going out to dinner is not a foreign concept to my kids. We actually do it about once a week. So I expect that they should know how to behave appropriately in this given situation.

And yet, they're still kids, more often than not in their own little worlds, forgetting that there are rules to follow and not thinking before they do. Which is why on this particular night out my kids had to be reminded again of appropriate behavior.

It started when they realized that the table we were sitting at didn't have legs or a center pole holding it up. It actually was pretty interesting. But in true kid style, they quickly made the connection that they could easily reach their legs to touch the other on the opposite side without anything getting in the way. Slowly my children began to sink deeper and deeper under the table as they tried harder and harder to reach the other who was trying to avoid the feet of their sibling while at the same time trying to touch them with their own feet. The behavior quickly became way inappropriate (and embarrassing). Time to use my teaching strategy.

The first step was making my kids aware that they were doing something out of context for the environment they were in. So I said, "You guys. Stop for a minute. Look around the restaurant. Do you see anyone else here doing what you're doing?" My kids looked around and admitted they didn't. I continued, "Look at the children sitting at that table over there. Do you see them playing around they way you guys are?" Again, they admitted that they didn't.

The next step was to get them to pick up, on their own, the appropriate behavior for the current situation. So next I asked, "What do you see the people in the restaurant doing instead?" I got my kids to verbalize to me the things they saw people doing; eating, talking to the other people at the table, kids coloring, using quiet voices, etc.

Finally, I wanted them to mirror the behavior of the community in the room. So I asked them to show me what the other people in the room look like. Show me how they are they sitting. Show me how they are acting at the table. My kids usually love this part of the "lesson" because it's like acting out a play. They briefly pretended to be various people in the room, mimicking their behavior, sitting tall, copying their mannerisms.

The observation lesson is concluded with lots of praise. "Good job you guys! You are very observant. That's how you guys need to behave, too so that your behavior is appropriate."

It is important that we not just teach kids the right way to behave, but that we also teach them how to pick up on the social cues given by others on the appropriate way to behave by teaching them to observe their surroundings. After all, we won't always be there in every situation to coach them on the appropriate way to behave. We need to teach our kids how to figure this out on their own.

The other great advantage of this teaching technique is that it helps you keep your cool as a parent. Because I'm not scolding or offering consequences or repeating myself over and over it's easy to stay in conversation mode which in turn helps me be a better teacher and my kids better able to respond to the "lesson". It ends up being a fun experience for all of us as we become more aware of our surroundings and have family conversation about it. The end result is a higher success rate than if we had to approach the behavior a different way. Usually having this conversation just once in a given situation is enough to keep my kids' behavior at a more appropriate and manageable level.

I love this strategy and use it often in a variety of contexts; at the grocery store, at church, at school performances, the library, just about anywhere. You can even use the same strategy in reverse when encountering another child who is misbehaving. When this happens I might say to my kids, "What is that child doing that the rest of us aren't?" "What should they be doing instead?"

Try this parenting tip out. Then let me know how it worked for you!