Treating Kids the Way You Want to be Treated

Today I was reminded what it feels like to be a kid, particularly what it feels like to be parented without consistency. I got to feel how it feels to randomly have a rule that had really never been enforced before suddenly be enforced with a huge consequence and to receive that consequence with no warning that a consequence was going to be issued if the rule was broken. I felt the desire to then want to protest and argue the unfairness of the random enforcement of the rule. I was reminded how it feels to not understand the rule in the first place, feeling like it was a stupid rule to begin with. I was reminded of the feeling of resentment and anger toward those in authority who, from my perspective, didn't care at all about my side of the story, totally giving the "a rule's a rule because I said so" stance, and "I'm in charge and you're not," so there! I remembered what it's like to be a kid sometimes and it was a good reminder.

Today I got a parking ticket. Even as I type that, I am still so angry about it.


Here's my side of the story:

Due to the distance of my children's school, I have to drive them to school everyday. My son is in ECE and the school requires that parents come inside the school to sign preschoolers in an out. So, every morning, I have to park the car and haul both kids and the baby into the school.

The school is a neighborhood school built in the 1950's. It wasn't designed to have tons of traffic in front of it dropping off kids. But the school is a great school and one of the few IB elementary schools in Denver, so many families have used the Denver School Choice program to send their kids to this school. As a result, every morning there is a lot of traffic.

To add to this, this year they added more buses delivering students to this school. Unfortunately, they use full-size buses to deliver a handful of children. These buses need a lot of room. So they put up signs this year that practically reserved the entire front side of the school for bus parking. However, thisis also the side where you pick up and drop off your kids, .

School starts at 9:00. The buses are long gone by 8:45 and by 9:50 or 9:55 when I arrive to drop off my kids there is just one long empty sidewalk inviting me to park my car beside in order to deliver my preschooler and 1st-grader into the school entrance. Everyday since the first day of school, this has been where we've parked, along with most of the other parents of ECE'ers. There has never been an issue parking here as long as the buses are gone.

If you follow me on Facebook, you may have notice my brief rant I posted about a week-and-a-half ago (I'm sure it's still there on my wall if you're interested). On that day, there was a parking enforcer standing on the empty side of the street telling us all we could not park there and directing us to park across the street. I followed the directions but did not understand why this was suddenly being enforced. It upset me that I had to take my three kids across the busy street instead of being able to take them out on the safer "school side" where there were no buses and plenty of safe parking space. It seemed ridiculous, and bureaucratic, and like someone just had too much time on their hands.

The next day, parking guy was not there redirecting the cars. Nor was he there the rest of the week or Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday of this week. And so, with no buses in site, the safety of my kids in mind, and the convenience of being in front of the school near the entrance I, along with most of the other parents, went back to parking in front of the school as we had done before. And for the past week-and-a-half, there were no consequences for doing so, just like there hadn't been the entire school year.

Until today. Today I came back out to my car after having dropped off my kids to find a man writing me out a ticket.

While it's true there are signs posted saying, "bus loading zone," and technically I was parked where I shouldn't have parked since I don't drive a school bus, and so he was legally justified in giving me a parking ticket, I was still struck by the thoughts and feelings that went through my mind.

Instead of taking ownership of my behavior I started to criticize in my mind the law enforcement and the school who most likely called in the law enforcement. I was angry at them for suddenly punishing me out of the blue without warning that such punishments were going to now be issued. I felt like I was being treated unfairly. I was frustrated that there was no room for discussion about what was fair for all parties. I felt bullied by the ticketing officer who arrogantly handed me my ticket and told me to start reading the signs, "that are posted everywhere." It was infuriating how condescending it all was, how arbitrary, and how...stupid!

I looked at my ticket and saw I had 20 days to pay it. The first thought that came through my head was, "They're not getting my money until day 20, that's for sure." It was me against them. I even wondered if I was going to park on the other side of the street everyday from now on, or only when I saw the parking police out giving tickets (now that I'm a bit more clear-headed on the issue, I will park on the other side, but still not calm enough to think I won't do it begrudgingly).


My intention is not to undermine authority or bash law enforcement. There is another side to this story and I am sure reasons behind what they decided to do today.

I share this story with you to focus on the similarities to a child's perspective when parents enforce rules randomly and arbitrarily. How frustrated they feel when consequences are given out without warning! When parents become a dictatorship and don't offer opportunities to understand the child's point of view, don't leave room for grace or compromise, and don't set realistic and fair rules with logical consequences, they are resentful and angry at their parents, not taking ownership for their mistakes. As a result, they're not focused on how to do it differently next time. Instead, they are focused on how to accept as little of the consequence as possible and maybe how they can "get back" by purposely looking for loopholes to get away with the behavior again in the future. The parent/child relationship becomes an "us" versus "them."

Experiences like this are helpful reminders when it comes to parenting. It helps us to remember to treat our kids the way we would like to be treated in similar situations. While my experience today was irritating to say the least, I can take it and use it to be a better parent when implementing and enforcing rules in my own home. And I guess that's worth the value of the ticket.

My Three Kids Aren't a Handful

Samantha was on my hip with a big smile. Nathanael and Isabella had happily skipped away, each with a penny in their hand to go ride the horse. I stood at the checkout pleased with how quickly this trip to the grocery store went preparing to swipe my credit card for payment.

And then the checkout man made "the comment".

"Wow! You sure have your hands full."

This is just one of the many versions of this type of comment that people offer to parents, especially those of us with more than one child. The comments range from "Bless your heart for taking care of three kids, " to "You are so brave to take all your kiddos out," to "Three kids! Wow! One is plenty for me!"

I'm not sure who decided way back when that comments like these were like the secret handshake amongst adults. For me, comments like these fall into the same category as "people who feel like they can touch your tummy when you're pregnant"and "people who grab your baby's hands or face in effort to make baby interact with them." Absolutely annoying!

I guess it annoys me so much because I don't view my kids as a handful. I don't think for a moment that I'm some super hero for raising three kids (there are plenty of parents out there who have way more children to care for than I do), and I actually love having more than one child. In fact, I think having more than one child is easier and more fun in many ways than just having one.

Sure, there are moments in time when three is overwhelming. But for me, these are exceptions and not the general rule of life with three kids.

More importantly, I hate that my kids keep hearing these comments from adults. I've got to think at some point they've got to wonder whether adults really think that kids are such a life burden. It is for this reason that I am always quick to respond to such comments with a, "Nah, my kids are great," or "The two older ones are actually 'big helps' and are great to their little sister" or "I love having more than one!" I make sure my kids hear my response as often as possible. Even when they aren't around, I still respond positively about my kids. What I say about them when they can't hear me is just as important as what I say when they can.

People are usually surprised by my comeback I think because I'm supposed to seem grateful that they are being sympathetic to the assumed plight of a mom with multiple children. And I think I may offend them that I'm not participating correctly in this social exchange that is supposed to be accepted. But I want them to know that my kids are not a handful. They are really great kids with great hearts. They are good listeners and super helpful and generally really easy to go just about anywhere with. And I am so proud to be their mom!

So, please, stop the sympathetic comments. If you're a parent, don't play into this terrible exchange that occurs among adults. Join with me in letting others know that these comments are no longer the secret handshake amongst parents. Let's stand up for our kids and let the world know they are not a burden. Let's let the world know that having more than one child is a blessing, not a curse.

Maybe we can even start a new secret exchange. Maybe something like, "Three kids? Wow! How awesome!" A wink and a hive five would be fun, too!

The "Family Vacation" Vacation

It was one of our first real family vacations. Isabella was three and Nate was one. We spent a whole week in Vail with my husband's parents. About three days in, my husband Asa and I were sitting in the sun by the creek while our kids were splashing in the water. I turned to Asa and said, "This is so great! I love being away with you and the kids, out of the daily routine. I feel like I am enjoying my kids more this week and really feel like we're having some great family bonding."

Asa got really quiet and didn't say anything for a few minutes. Finally he said, "I feel so guilty now. Before you said that, I was actually sitting here thinking how this vacation is such a drag. It hasn't felt like much of a vacation at all. We're still full-time parents just in a different location."

My husband was experiencing what most new parents experience. The realization that your life is not just yours anymore. Many things we experienced before kids will never be the same now that children are in the mix. A family vacation is one of these things. It's just not the same thing as those vacations we experienced without kids. But that doesn't mean that things are now worse. They are just different. And as Asa and I talked about it more, we concluded that we just needed a mind shift in expectations.

A family vacation is not just about the parents getting away and relaxing. Some parents never realize this and end up hating family vacations because kids ruin this expectation for them. They resent their kids being there. Tensions run high the duration of the trip. Parents fuss. Kids argue. There may be glimmers of enjoyment, but overall everyone wonders why they did the vacation in the first place. Everyone comes home needing a vacation from their vacation.
Other parents decide that they are just parents, let go of all parts of who they are outside of parenthood, and make their family vacation all about the kids. All activities, locations, and food choices are all decided based on what will make the kids happy. The vacation is really an entertainment package for the kids, and while Mom and Dad may feel some joy in giving their kids a great vacation, parents get little or any opportunity to rejuvenate their own souls, connect with each other, and still may end up secretly resenting their kids for robbing them of their vacation time. Parents come home still needing a vacation from their vacation.

Families will enjoy their vacation when they change their expectations. A family vacation is about enjoying each other as a family. Not just making sure the parents are happy. Not just making sure the kids are happy. It's about doing something together as a family to create new experiences together and forming lasting memories. It's about getting the kids to try new foods or go to the local museum because they know it's something important to Mom or to Dad. It's about enduring the crowds and going to the festival because it's something the kids really want to do. And most importantly, it's about understanding that a family vacation does not take the place of a" parents only" vacation that needs to happen periodically as well.

We just came back from one of many family vacations we have taken since that trip to Vail. We were very thoughtful in how we planned the week to make sure that it was enjoyable for everyone. This time, we rented a house instead of staying at a hotel so that we could put the kids to bed at night and still stay up to sit outside drinking wine by the pool instead of feeling trapped every night in a hotel room once the kids went to bed. This also allowed us to not only save money on food, but be more flexible in making sure there was good food choices for everyone. Once we were at our destination, we had a family discussion about what each family member wanted to make sure they did during the trip and planned out together when and how we would make sure those things got accomplished. And when our nine-month-old woke up almost every night at 1:00 am for an hour-long cry fest, my husband and I would joke that at least we're up in the middle of the night feeling the ocean breeze.

By the way, my husband loves going on family vacations with our kids now. He enjoys getting to make up for the time he doesn't get to see them during the work week. He loves showing them new places and interacting with them as they experience new things. As a family, we enjoy our time together and the adventures we have. Because the family vacation is still a vacation. It breaks the everyday routine. It allows our brains and our bodies to do something fun with people we love. It slows down life and provides rest when needed. It's about not necessarily having to go somewhere, but not having obligations that prevent us from doing something if we want. This is vacation.

Family vacations are not a vacation from parenting. They're not a vacation from being a kid. These things come with us on our trip. We accept that going in. And because of that, we enjoy our vacation together.