I Don't Know Everything

It's hard to admit that I don't always know what to do when it comes to my kids. It's frustrating. And humbling.

My daughter has been "stuck" with her reading for several months now. She began the school year as one of the top readers in her class. But while the rest of her classmates have made steady improvements, and have even passed her reading level, my sweet girl has barely shown any improvement in her reading ability.

For months I've watched her use all the right reading strategies. She makes predictions and uses visual cues in illustrations to help her create context for a difficult word. She reads with wonderful expression and always understands what she has read, stopping to laugh at the story's humor or to make a connection to something else the story is reminding her of. Overall, she is way advanced in the reading skills she knows and uses. And yet, when she picks up a book, she finds herself still needing to sound out sight words that in other context she knows. Recently, she spent almost five minutes trying to sound out the word "she". SHE?!? Really?

Last week I sat on the couch with her listening to her try to get through the book she brought home to read. The book was at a similar level from what she had at the beginning of the school year. What should have taken ten minutes to read ended up taking almost an hour. I watched her struggle through the simplest of words. I saw her grow more and more frustrated. I saw her eyes well up with tears.

I tried to pull out all my tricks as a parent. Stay calm. Stay encouraging. Coach her through the process but not do it for her. Definitely do not let her give up. Take a deep breath, you can do this. But it wasn't working.

So, I closed the book and tried to pull out all the things I know about reading from my years of teaching. Remind her of the reading rules she knows. Think of context. Did that make sense? Only sound out the letters you see. Where have you seen this word before? Let me model for you. Take a deep breath, you can do this. It still wasn't working.

So, I tried to pull out all the things I know about how kids think and learn. I tried to figure out what the brain block might be in her head. I asked her to explain to me what happens inside her when she sees these words. Do the words look different? Do the letters change before your eyes? What thoughts are you thinking? She doesn't know.

I am so frustrated. Isabella knows I am. Her eyes well up with tears and so do mine.

"Isabella, " I say as I pull her close to me. "I am not frustrated at you. You have done nothing wrong. I am so frustrated because I don't know how to help you. I know you are a good reader. I know you can do this. And I don't understand why you can't. And I'm frustrated for you because I know YOU know you can do this. But you're stuck. And I don't know why."

It was an awful awful feeling. I, Tara Wood, former elementary school teacher, masters in child development, and parenting educator, did not know what to do to help my child. It wasn't pride that made this frustrating. It was more a feeling of helplessness. That despite everything I've learned and everything I know, it wasn't enough. Then it hit me . I would never know everything I would possibly ever need to know to help my children in every possible scenario that will come up in their lifetime. And frankly, that realization sucks.

But I guess that's why we're not meant to raise our children alone, right? That's why they have teachers and friends and other individuals brought into their life that can fill in the gaps, because as parents we CAN'T do it all. We can't be everything to our children. And that's why we're meant to surround ourselves with a strong community. And that's why pride can be so damaging if we let it because not asking for help when we need it can be more damaging than the risk of letting others help. And that's why I'm a better mom for admitting I don't know all the answers instead of pretending that I do.

And so, I ask for help. Her wonderful teacher is working on some new ideas. Friends have talked to people they know who are "experts" in this kind of thing. Family have supported and encouraged me so that I can stay encouraging toward my daughter.

Already there have been suggestions made that have helped my daughter not get so stuck when she puts all those words she knows in the context of a story. I feel less frustrated and more optimistic, mostly because I'm not doing it alone.

And so ,we take a deep breath and we try again...because together we can do this.

What do you need to ask help with?

That Stuff Isn't Mine! or The Importance of Helping Each Other

Recently, we were expecting last-minute guests and I needed all the help I could get cleaning our disaster of a house. I put Nate to work at loading all the clothes into the wash (one of his favorite jobs) and I asked my daughter to be in charge of cleaning the living room. Isabella, eager to help, went straight to work putting away her books, picking up her stray clothes, taking her toys back to her room and hanging up her schoolbag. Within 10 minutes she announced, "I'm done!" Shocked at how quickly she cleaned up the room, I came to see for myself. The room, while cleaner, was still a mess. Cups and plates were still out from after-school snack. Toys and books were still on the floor. Adult-sized shoes were near the couch. And some of the laundry I had folded but not yet put away were still in piles on the couch waiting to moved.

"Isabella," I said, "you're not done. Look at the room. Is it clean and ready for our friends to come over?"

"No," she admitted, "but that stuff isn't mine."

It struck me at this point that most of my cleaning instruction to my kids revolved around the idea of cleaning up your own messes. If you took the toys out, you need to put them away. Pick up your clothes and put them in the basket. Take your dish to the sink. Even when I gave Isabella the responsibility to start cleaning the downstairs bathroom it was in the context of "this is your bathroom, you need to help keep it clean". And while it's true that this is definitely an important life lesson - we SHOULD clean up our messes and be responsible for our things - there is also an important ammendment to it as well, particularly in a family setting. When we live in community with each other, it's not just about us as individuals. We all help each other out when we can because, to quote High School Musical, "we're all in this together." Isabella needed to learn this lesson, too.

So I said, "I know these things are not yours. But it will be a big help if you put all those things away so our house will be clean for our friends."

If you have a school-aged child, or have any experience with one, you probably know what she said next. "But Mom!" (say it with me now) "That's not fair!"

I love that phrase because it's the perfect set up for what I got to say next.

"Oh Isabella," I said. "You don't want things to be fair. If we did everything fair in this house, you would have a lot more work to do. You would have to clean all your own clothes and fold them. You would have to clean all your own dishes every night. You would have to make your own meals. You would even probably have to find a job so that you could buy the food you will need to get at the grocery store. But Isabella," I continued, "I don't mind that we don't do everything fair in this house. Because I know it would be very dfficult for you to do all of these things by yourself when you're only six-and-a-half. And so, I help you because I love you. And we work together as a family because this house belongs to all of us. We all need to take care of it together. That is why I am helping you by cleaning your dishes and Nate's dishes and Daddy's dishes and putting away the stuff in the kitchen from your snack. And while I do that for you, I would like you to do the things in this room for me. Part of being a family is working together and helping each other out when we can."

Isabella stared at me frustrated. I could see her little brain trying to figure out if there was a loop-hole she could still argue. But in the end, she knew I was right. She didn't like it, but she turned around, and began putting all the things in the room away that weren't hers.

When it was done, I thanked her so much for helping me. I told her brother that his sister put all his things away for him, and he enthusiastically thanked her. I told Isabella that Nate had put all her dirty clothes in the washer for her. And Isabella thanked Nate for helping. And then you know what? Isabella said, "Thanks, Mom for cleaning the kitchen for me."

"Yes, Isabella," I said. "We all did a good job working as a team today, didn't we? It feels good to help each other out."

My Soccer Mom Rules

I've got the mini van (gasp!). I've now got BOTH my kids in soccer. My husband is coaching my son's team. This past Saturday, my kids had their games at the same time at different locations. So, I went to my daughter's game and sent text updates to my husband who was with my son. Oh my gosh! I am such a soccer mom!!!!!!

But not just any soccer mom. I'm one of those who actually gets REALLY into the game...even though it's just 4 and 6-year-olds playing. I blame my husband for this. He's been coaching kids' soccer forever and I used to go to every single one of his games up until he quit for a while shortly after Isabella was born. As a result, I'm pretty loud on the sideline. I'm sure I drive the coach crazy with my yells of "Push Up!" (meaning move down the field and not give the other team so much room) and "GO GO GO...SHOOT IT!!!!"

One thing I DON'T want to be is one of those obnoxious soccer parents where winning is everything. I don't want to become so involved that I become rude or inappropriate in the things I yell to our team, the other, team, or the ref. I definitely don't want to forget that I'm there for my children, not for my entertainment, which means my children's feelings come first. And while I want to encourage them to always do their best and find ways they can get better, I don't ever want to come down hard on my kids for NOT playing their best. And I don't want to put so much pressure on them to be a great player that they're more worried about THAT than having a good time playing a fun game.

Over the many years of attending kids' soccer games, I've seen so many moms and dads who go CRAZY at their kid's games...The things they yell... The pressure they put on their kids... The dirty fouling they encourage their kids to do on the field... And the POOR example of good sportsmanship displayed. Really people? You're missing the whole point of what putting your child in sports is all about! I don't want to miss the point either. So, I made a list of rules for myself to follow at every game.

Rule 1: Think of my time on the sidelines as another opportunity to teach my kids important life lessons. While it's OK to cheer the loudest for my own child, I need to make sure I know every other child's name on the team so that when they have the ball or are set up to make a great play, I'm cheering for them, too. This will help model for my kids that this is a team sport and we encourage ALL of our teammates.

Rule 2: When my kids are off the field, I can quickly praise and encourage them for what they've been doing on the field, but then I must shuttle them over to be by their coach so they're ready to take instruction from him (or her). The coach is in charge during the game, not me.

Rule 3: I will not question a ruling on the field even if I totally know they are absolutely blind and question whether they are even watching the same game as the rest of us. I need to model that we respect those who are in authority, even when we disagree. And that even adults can make mistakes.

Rule 4: I will not tolerate any taunting behavior from my kids toward the other team. No cheers of "We're winning 5 to 3" over and over on the field or comments of "We're totally dominating this team" loud enough so the other team can hear it (both examples, unfortunately have come directly from one of my children). While we can celebrate our success as a team, we are not there to make the other team feel bad. That's bad sportsmanship. And we congratulate the other team if they win, and tell them "good game" if we do.

Rule 5: If I expect respectful behavior from my kids toward their coach, the ref, and the other team, I need to expect that same behavior from myself. Any disagreements or questions I have will be done respectively and privately, if they need to be done at all. And I will never talk poorly of any of the above in front of my child.

Rule 6: My kids can make mistakes and don't have to be the best player on the field. I will show my kids through my words and mannerisms that it's not a big deal when they're not perfect and to Play On!

Rule 7: I will remember that my kids are doing soccer to develop a love for the game, to develop skills related to working on a team, for the physical and emotional benefits sports can provide and ultimately to have fun!

These rules became harder to follow as the team my husband used to coach got older and more competitive and they weren't even my kids! So, I can only imagine how much more difficult they will be to follow as MY kids get older. But I, Tara Wood, on this 13th day of April 2009, pledge to follow these rules through the duration of my children's sports career. Will you join me in this pledge?

Whether my kids stay in soccer throughout their childhood or eventually move on to other sports, my hope is that my role as Soccer Mom just becomes another opportunity to teach great skills and behaviors to my kids and never contradicts anything that I value and teach in my family. This is MY responsibility to make sure that is the case.

What "rules" or guidelines have you set up for yourself to follow if your kids are in organized sports? What rules would you add to the list? Leave a comment below and let me know!

Talking to Kids About Easter

I love holidays. My kids do, too. I think it's because it gives us something exciting to anticipate. They provide a break from the everyday routine of life. And holidays give us an extra reason to connect with each other in different ways...dreaming about the magic of leprechauns, staying up late to watch fireworks while eating Popsicles in the park, and going for Easter egg hunts. There is so much of a focus on the "fun" of holidays, that it's easy for kids to think that having fun is all they are about. But as a parent, I want my kids to understand WHY we're celebrating a given holiday without taking away the fun.

Easter is a perfect example of trying to strike this balance with my kids. I let my kids believe in the Easter Bunny. We dye Easter eggs. They get Easter baskets (while containing some candy, they usually contain a new spring outfit, a new CD or video, and a small toy to avoid the sugar rush I know they'll get when they visit Grandma later that day). We make a big deal out of the egg hunt. We give gifts of flowers because it's spring. I do these things with my kids because they are traditional, and cultural, and a part of Easter that I'm not going to pretend doesn't exist with my kids. Not only are these traditions, in my opinion, important to pass on to my children, but they are a big part of what make the celebration of Easter FUN. Besides, I don't want my kids to grow up resenting me for robbing them of these experiences and as a result resent the spiritual importance of the holiday as well.

All that being said, I try to be very intentional with the language and conversations I have with my kids regarding the Easter holiday. Leading up to Easter, we talk about the events that took place long ago in a variety of ways. This year, as one example, I had received a sticker activity that had the kids place various stickers on a village scene for every event that took place leading up to, and ending with, the empty tomb as I read the story. It was all in very kid-friendly language and the kids totally got into it. Stories with stickers are aways a hit in my house!

Around the time they start asking about dying eggs, I use the opportunity to ask them if they remember what eggs have to do with Easter. Then we have a brief discussion about some of the reasons eggs are a symbol of the holiday(an example of new life and an illustration, albeit incomplete one, of the trinity). I've talked to them about Lent and what the purpose of that time is, and have been very open about how I have chosen to participate in the Lent season and why. Yesterday, I reminded them excitedly that it was Palm Sunday and we discussed what the palm leaves and shouts of HOSANNA were all about, not leaving this just to their Sunday school teacher to explain. I should also point out that none of these discussions are boring lectures that my kids have to endure. They are brief. They come up casually in conversation. And I often ask them more questions to see what THEY know rather than provide all the answers.

This week, I look forward to discussing Passover and the Last Supper when we have a Maundy Thursday gathering this week. And on Friday, I'll make sure to discuss the importance of the day with my kids before sending them to school. Saturday, as we dye eggs, we will discuss what it's like to have to wait for something special and reflect on what it must have been like for all of Jesus' friends to think he was dead, not knowing that he was going to come back to life the next day. And on Easter Sunday, I will make sure that my kids know the tradition of greeting someone with "He is Risen" and expecting a "He is Risen Indeed" in return (my daughter in particular always gets a kick out of that one).

By being intentional about the SPIRITUAL meaning behind Easter for us, then it's really easy to add in the rest under the context of celebrating a very important day. The food, the flowers, the egg hunt, the gifts, are all a part of the party. It's a party that even the Easter bunny is a part of. Because, after all, the Easter Bunny is so excited about celebrating Jesus' resurrection that he wants everyone to have fun celebrating by playing a fun game of "Find the Easter Egg", a game intended to bring us all together. And isn't being united one of the purposes of the cross? Plus, doesn't every good party involve a fun game?

Instead of being fearful that my kids will miss the point of Easter if I allow the Easter Bunny and candy to creep in, I embrace these and use them as part of the bigger meaning of the day. As a result, my kids can tell you what Easter is really all about AND they think of Easter as one of their favorite holidays.

How do you celebrate Easter with your kids? What ideas do you have for striking a good balance between the fun activities and the spiritual significance of the day? Leave a comment below.