The "Family Vacation" Vacation

It was one of our first real family vacations. Isabella was three and Nate was one. We spent a whole week in Vail with my husband's parents. About three days in, my husband Asa and I were sitting in the sun by the creek while our kids were splashing in the water. I turned to Asa and said, "This is so great! I love being away with you and the kids, out of the daily routine. I feel like I am enjoying my kids more this week and really feel like we're having some great family bonding."

Asa got really quiet and didn't say anything for a few minutes. Finally he said, "I feel so guilty now. Before you said that, I was actually sitting here thinking how this vacation is such a drag. It hasn't felt like much of a vacation at all. We're still full-time parents just in a different location."

My husband was experiencing what most new parents experience. The realization that your life is not just yours anymore. Many things we experienced before kids will never be the same now that children are in the mix. A family vacation is one of these things. It's just not the same thing as those vacations we experienced without kids. But that doesn't mean that things are now worse. They are just different. And as Asa and I talked about it more, we concluded that we just needed a mind shift in expectations.

A family vacation is not just about the parents getting away and relaxing. Some parents never realize this and end up hating family vacations because kids ruin this expectation for them. They resent their kids being there. Tensions run high the duration of the trip. Parents fuss. Kids argue. There may be glimmers of enjoyment, but overall everyone wonders why they did the vacation in the first place. Everyone comes home needing a vacation from their vacation.
Other parents decide that they are just parents, let go of all parts of who they are outside of parenthood, and make their family vacation all about the kids. All activities, locations, and food choices are all decided based on what will make the kids happy. The vacation is really an entertainment package for the kids, and while Mom and Dad may feel some joy in giving their kids a great vacation, parents get little or any opportunity to rejuvenate their own souls, connect with each other, and still may end up secretly resenting their kids for robbing them of their vacation time. Parents come home still needing a vacation from their vacation.

Families will enjoy their vacation when they change their expectations. A family vacation is about enjoying each other as a family. Not just making sure the parents are happy. Not just making sure the kids are happy. It's about doing something together as a family to create new experiences together and forming lasting memories. It's about getting the kids to try new foods or go to the local museum because they know it's something important to Mom or to Dad. It's about enduring the crowds and going to the festival because it's something the kids really want to do. And most importantly, it's about understanding that a family vacation does not take the place of a" parents only" vacation that needs to happen periodically as well.

We just came back from one of many family vacations we have taken since that trip to Vail. We were very thoughtful in how we planned the week to make sure that it was enjoyable for everyone. This time, we rented a house instead of staying at a hotel so that we could put the kids to bed at night and still stay up to sit outside drinking wine by the pool instead of feeling trapped every night in a hotel room once the kids went to bed. This also allowed us to not only save money on food, but be more flexible in making sure there was good food choices for everyone. Once we were at our destination, we had a family discussion about what each family member wanted to make sure they did during the trip and planned out together when and how we would make sure those things got accomplished. And when our nine-month-old woke up almost every night at 1:00 am for an hour-long cry fest, my husband and I would joke that at least we're up in the middle of the night feeling the ocean breeze.

By the way, my husband loves going on family vacations with our kids now. He enjoys getting to make up for the time he doesn't get to see them during the work week. He loves showing them new places and interacting with them as they experience new things. As a family, we enjoy our time together and the adventures we have. Because the family vacation is still a vacation. It breaks the everyday routine. It allows our brains and our bodies to do something fun with people we love. It slows down life and provides rest when needed. It's about not necessarily having to go somewhere, but not having obligations that prevent us from doing something if we want. This is vacation.

Family vacations are not a vacation from parenting. They're not a vacation from being a kid. These things come with us on our trip. We accept that going in. And because of that, we enjoy our vacation together.

Dangers of Parental Disagreement

In a previous post, I told the story of how our lamp shade got broken ( read You Break It, You Pay For It). After giving us $4 from his coin bank, Nate had decided that he wanted to try to sell some of his toys to pay the remaining amount of his half for the new shade.

The other day, we were doing a run to Goodwill to drop off some items we had cleaned out of the garage. I told the kids that I would pay them a dollar for every toy they wanted to give away mentioning that this could be money used toward buying Christmas presents for friends or, in Nate’s case, to pay off the remaining $3 balance on the lamp shade.

Nate raced up the stairs and came down with his large Tonka Dump Truck and proceeded to take it outside where his dad was loading up the car. I could overhear the following conversation:

Dad: What are you doing with that?
Nate: I’m giving this away.
Dad: No. You don’t need to give that away. That’s your good truck.
Nate: But Mom’s going to give me a dollar for it.

Seconds later my husband came inside. “Why are you letting him give this away?” my husband asked.

I explained to him what I told the kids.

My husband did not think this was a good idea. “He plays with this truck. We could go upstairs and clean out a ton of toys that they actually don’t play with and give those away. It doesn’t make any sense to give away toys that they play with.”

I totally saw his point. On the other hand, I argued that the toy must not be that important to him if he was so willing to give it away for a dollar. Besides, they had so many toys that I actually didn’t care which ones they got rid of.

My husband and I went back and forth on this until finally I agreed that we’d hold off on the toys until we could spend more time really helping the kids think about which toys they wanted to give away.

Fast forward to yesterday. I was asking Nate to do something for me that he was reluctant to do. Before the power struggle I knew was coming began, I reminded Nate that he needed to listen to Mommy.

It was almost as if he was waiting for the cue. He looked up at me and said, “I don’t always have to listen to you.”

“Oh yes you do, Nate,” I responded.

“But sometimes I only have to listen to Dad and not to you,” he retorted.

“What are you talking about? Mom and Dad are a team and you need to listen to both of us. What Dad says and what I say are the same.”

And then Nate brought up the incident with the truck reminding me that what I had said didn’t mean anything and that Dad was the one who got to decide what to do with the truck in the end.

I work with dozens of couples helping them parent more effectively as a team. One of the major things I always emphasize with them is that you never disagree with each other in front of the kids. If there is disagreement, you always go into another location away from the kids to work it out so that you can come back out as a united front.

Even when it’s a small disagreement like taking a truck to Goodwill.

The fact that my husband disagreed on what should be done with the toys was not the problem. It’s OK that we disagreed. And our discussion was not the problem. We argued back and forth on the issue and came to a mutual agreement that worked for both of us. The problem was that we did all of that in front of the kids leaving the impression that Dad “won” and therefore must have more authority than Mom even though that is not the case. If we had had our same discussion in private and then I came out telling Nate that Mommy and Daddy have changed our minds and we’ve decided to wait until we can go through your toys together, it would have changed the perception of who was really in charge for Nate. He would have seen us more as a united team than two opposing sides battling for a win.

Thank you Nate for reminding me of this.

How good are you and your spouse at keeping your parenting disagreements private? Do your kids see you as a united front or opposing sides? What can the two of you do better?

That Stuff Isn't Mine! or The Importance of Helping Each Other

Recently, we were expecting last-minute guests and I needed all the help I could get cleaning our disaster of a house. I put Nate to work at loading all the clothes into the wash (one of his favorite jobs) and I asked my daughter to be in charge of cleaning the living room. Isabella, eager to help, went straight to work putting away her books, picking up her stray clothes, taking her toys back to her room and hanging up her schoolbag. Within 10 minutes she announced, "I'm done!" Shocked at how quickly she cleaned up the room, I came to see for myself. The room, while cleaner, was still a mess. Cups and plates were still out from after-school snack. Toys and books were still on the floor. Adult-sized shoes were near the couch. And some of the laundry I had folded but not yet put away were still in piles on the couch waiting to moved.

"Isabella," I said, "you're not done. Look at the room. Is it clean and ready for our friends to come over?"

"No," she admitted, "but that stuff isn't mine."

It struck me at this point that most of my cleaning instruction to my kids revolved around the idea of cleaning up your own messes. If you took the toys out, you need to put them away. Pick up your clothes and put them in the basket. Take your dish to the sink. Even when I gave Isabella the responsibility to start cleaning the downstairs bathroom it was in the context of "this is your bathroom, you need to help keep it clean". And while it's true that this is definitely an important life lesson - we SHOULD clean up our messes and be responsible for our things - there is also an important ammendment to it as well, particularly in a family setting. When we live in community with each other, it's not just about us as individuals. We all help each other out when we can because, to quote High School Musical, "we're all in this together." Isabella needed to learn this lesson, too.

So I said, "I know these things are not yours. But it will be a big help if you put all those things away so our house will be clean for our friends."

If you have a school-aged child, or have any experience with one, you probably know what she said next. "But Mom!" (say it with me now) "That's not fair!"

I love that phrase because it's the perfect set up for what I got to say next.

"Oh Isabella," I said. "You don't want things to be fair. If we did everything fair in this house, you would have a lot more work to do. You would have to clean all your own clothes and fold them. You would have to clean all your own dishes every night. You would have to make your own meals. You would even probably have to find a job so that you could buy the food you will need to get at the grocery store. But Isabella," I continued, "I don't mind that we don't do everything fair in this house. Because I know it would be very dfficult for you to do all of these things by yourself when you're only six-and-a-half. And so, I help you because I love you. And we work together as a family because this house belongs to all of us. We all need to take care of it together. That is why I am helping you by cleaning your dishes and Nate's dishes and Daddy's dishes and putting away the stuff in the kitchen from your snack. And while I do that for you, I would like you to do the things in this room for me. Part of being a family is working together and helping each other out when we can."

Isabella stared at me frustrated. I could see her little brain trying to figure out if there was a loop-hole she could still argue. But in the end, she knew I was right. She didn't like it, but she turned around, and began putting all the things in the room away that weren't hers.

When it was done, I thanked her so much for helping me. I told her brother that his sister put all his things away for him, and he enthusiastically thanked her. I told Isabella that Nate had put all her dirty clothes in the washer for her. And Isabella thanked Nate for helping. And then you know what? Isabella said, "Thanks, Mom for cleaning the kitchen for me."

"Yes, Isabella," I said. "We all did a good job working as a team today, didn't we? It feels good to help each other out."