Fall Walk With Sami

This morning I looked out my window. It was a beautiful day. After a week of cold, cloudy, rainy weather, I felt my heart leap with excitement as I saw what awaited me on the other side of my front door. Today there wasn't a cloud in the sky. The sun was reflecting off the many colored leaves of the huge trees that grow in our neighborhood. The grass was a thick and healthy deep green having been brought back to life from the week of rain. The fuzzy black squirrels were already out enjoying the day. I didn't want to waste another moment.

"Come on Sami! Let's go outside!" My 15-month-old daughter's face lit up. She clumsily pulled her little body up and started to waddle away knowing I'd direct her toward the way out.

We stepped outside and the morning air smelled sweet. I closed my eyes and soaked in the feeling of the warm sun on my body. But Sami kept walking. I quickly opened my eyes, a bit disappointed that we were already on the move but looking forward to a fall morning walk through our neighborhood. Sami had other plans.

Samantha's plans were to draw with chalk for a while. I was able to convince her to at least move into the sunny part of the driveway. I drew hearts while she put colorful chalk marks inside them. I was just settling into this change of plans when Sami got up and started to walk away toward the street. Maybe we'd be getting that walk in after all.

We got to the street where she grabbed my finger (her hand is still too little to hold my full hand) and the two of us began to walk down the street. Just on the other side of our property is a large pasture where often a herd of cows hang out so close to our house that we can walk right up to the fence and practically touch them. This is where I thought we'd walk to first. But Sami had other plans.

She pulled me the opposite direction and led me across the street to the culdesac. This would take us nowhere except around a circle and right back to where we started. But she was insistent. I decided it would at least be an easy place to set her free since there wouldn't be as many, if any, cars to worry about. So off she waddled ahead of me down the street of the boring take-us-no-where culdesac.

We'd barely entered the culdesac when one of our neighbors walked out of her house preparing to take her dog for a walk. Samantha could hardly contain her excitement. A dog! Our neighbor came over to let Sami see the puppy. Sami got to "be gentle" and touch the dog while getting a big lick on the face in return. Samantha is facinated with dogs and acted as if this short visit from a furry friend was like winning the "Big Deal of the Day" on Let's Make a Deal. When our neighbor moved on, we stood and watched until the dog was completely out of sight. Then Sami turned to continue on the route she had chosen.

We hadn't even gone twenty feet when she discovered a pine cone in the middle of the road. We stopped as she picked it up, threw it, kicked it, picked it back up, dropped it, kicked it again, stared at it and then decided to moved on. We rounded the top of the culdesac now facing the direction we started from. Maybe now we could make our way back to the main street and go see if the cows were on our side of the pasture.

But Sami had other plans. In the gutter were small piles of red and gold leaves. Samantha started walking through them looking up at me every few steps with a broad grin that said, "Are you seeing this, Mom? They crunch and move under my feet!" We must have spent a good five minutes walking back and forth through the leaves talking about the sounds they made. And then she was off again. This time heading back to the gutter in front of our own house.

I followed her. In moments she was seated in the gutter rubbing her hands in the dirt and gravel. I sighed and sat down beside her. I looked up above me at the clear blue sky that seemed to want to suck me up into it. I wanted Sami to notice, too. So I interrupted her gutter exploration. "Sami, look up at the sky! Look! The sky is blue! Look at the blue sky, Sami!" She casually glanced up to where I was pointing and then went right back to focusing on the dirty mixture on the ground. She scooped up some of the gravely mixture and handed it to me, almost as if to say, "Yeah, but did you see THIS?"

I let her explore a few more minutes. And then I grew impatient. "Come on, Sweetie. Let's go see the cows." Samantha didn't move. So, I scooped her up and carried her the short way down the street to the fence where there were...

no cows.

Sami looked up at me. She stared at me a minute (did I see pity on her face?) and gave me the sign for milk. Sigh. At least we were near home and not on the other side of the neighborhood.

I had plans of a wonderful fall walk around our neighborhood. To see animals, to look at the changing leaves and enjoy the beautiful sunshine. It wasn't quite how I imagined it, but we DID do all of those things and more. And maybe Samantha knew that ultimately her way was better.
I wonder how often in life this is the case?

Stepping Aside So My Husband Can Be a Dad

This post is a last of a trilogy of posts dedicated to dads in honor of Father's Day, June 20th. Happy Father's Day to all you dedicated dads!

When my first daughter was born, my husband wanted nothing more than to be a great dad. From day one he was committed to getting up in the middle of the night to help change diapers and hand the baby to me to feed. Then he would get up in the morning and drag himself to work only to come home nine hours later to change another diaper, help get something resembling dinner together and crawl into bed to begin the routine all over again. But he did it every night, never thinking his job was more important than mine. Committing to be exhausted. Committing to be involved.

Day by day I was bonding more and more with my baby. But day by day my husband felt more and more detached from not only the baby but from me. He felt discouraged. This is not how he imagined it. Where was his connection to his daughter? Was this to be his role? Just the provider? The occasional assistant?

And then one day I had a workshop I had to teach and was gone for over six hours. It was the longest my husband had spent alone with the baby. Just him and her. She cried. She didn't want to drink from a bottle. It was stressful. It was hard. Yet it was the best thing that could have happened to both of them.

You see, up until that day, I was the primary caretaker of our daughter. Because I spent most of the time with her during the day, I had discovered all the tricks for calming her down. I knew which blanket she liked best. I knew her favorite way to be held. And my daughter knew I knew this, so of course she wanted me over anyone else. When the job was simple, like changing a diaper, I let my husband step in. But if she was crying, I would take her. If she was tired, I got her to sleep. If she was fussy, I figured out why. Without intending to, I was making it hard for my husband to bond with his baby because I wasn't allowing him to be a primary caretaker in her life.

But on that particular day, I wasn't around. My husband had to figure out his daughter on his own. He had to become the caretaker. And he did. When I came home, he had gotten her to fall asleep. He had learned ways of soothing her. He had found a position to hold her in that she seemed to like. He had discovered some of his own tricks.

And you know what? Almost all of his tricks were not my tricks. He actually had ways of interacting with her that were different from what worked for me. To be honest, this bothered me. I'm sure I even said more than once, "That's not how you do it. Here let me do it..."

But I needed to make a decision. I could either do all of the parenting myself or have a partner in parenting. If I chose the former, everything would be done my way, but my kids would be robbed of the chance to have a deep bonded relationship with their father. I would most surely work myself into exhaustion doing all the important parenting myself. Perhaps, I would develop resentment toward my kids, and probably toward my husband, for this life burden I put on myself. This is not rare. I work with families all the time where this has become the case.

On the other hand, choosing the latter would mean equally sharing the parenting responsibilities and have a untied front with our kids. But it would also mean letting go. It would mean that things might not always look exactly the way I want them too. It would mean sometimes letting the baby cry while my husband figured it out. It would mean not being the first to rush in and address a problem with the kids. It would mean accepting that my way is not always the best way, or at least not the only way.

I chose the latter.

Today, all three of my kids have an amazing relationship with their dad. My husband does everything he can to be with his family as much as possible because he wants to, not because he feels obligated to. The kids adore and respect him. He would do anything for his kids. They are SUPER bonded. More importantly, the kids view him and I equally knowing that we both have the same authority when it comes to parenting.

It was, and continues to be, so worth it for me to have made this choice. The added bonus? I was able to see a side of my husband I would have never seen otherwise. And this has allowed me to fall deeper in love with him.

The Importance of Dads - A letter to fathers

Dear Dads,

You are so important in your child's life!

I am sad that there is a belief out there that you are only good for working hard and "providing" for your family. I'm sad that you may have been lead to believe that you could never be as good at parenting your children as their mother and certainly not as nurturing. I'm sad that many women believe this. Because it flat out isn't true.

Research proves that you are so important. Kids who have dads that are hands-on involved in their lives have higher self-esteem, do better in school, and are socially more adjusted than kids whose fathers leave the majority of the child care to the mom. This is because you bring to the table qualities that most women don't. Not because you're better but because you're different, and kids need what you both have to offer.

A girl's sense of beauty and self-worth is largely influenced by you. When you are involved in your daughter's life, letting her know that she is precious and beautiful in your eyes, she is more likely to be confident in who she is and less likely to go seeking love and fulfillment in other ways and from other people. She learns what type of man to marry someday. She learns how men should treat her. What a great gift you can give to her!

Your son will learn from you what it means to be a man in this world. He'll learn how to treat women. He'll learn how to treat other people. He'll learn how to be a dad. Little boys want to be just like their dads. You have so much to teach them and an opportunity like none other to make a difference in this little life, and I believe that difference makes a difference in this world.

Moms need dads. It is difficult to raise children on your own. Some moms falsely believe that only they know best. Some even send the message that dads could never care for their kids as well as they can. But when dads work as a team with mom, family magic happens.

As a mom whose husband is deeply involved in my kids' life, I can't tell you how much deeper in love I am with him because of the great relationship he has with my kids. I can't begin to tell you how much it means to me to know that I have a partner in raising my kids. And I know that my kids are as great as they are because they get from my husband qualities and knowledge that I can't give to them. I feel so blessed to have an amazing husband who is an amazing dad!

Maybe you didn't have a great dad when you were a kid. Maybe you don't know what it looks like to be an involved, caring, nurturing parent. Maybe you only know how to be the "bad guy" or how to only be the "playmate". Most likely this is because that is what you were taught. It's not because that's how it has to be. You can learn to be so much more and it's so worth it!

But maybe you are one of those dads that is involved. You do parent your kids with love and grace and patience. You work as a united front with your child's mother. You take your responsibility as a dad to heart and see it as one of the most important jobs of your life. I want you to know that you are valued! Thank you for being the example to other fathers for what is possible. My hope is that what you contribute to your family doesn't get taken for granted and that you enjoy the thrill of raising your kids. Children bring so much joy to our lives!

Perhaps you've heard this all before. I'm sorry if this is the first time. Either way, you need to hear this. And you need to hear it again and again and again.

Blessings to you, Dads.

Tara

Children Who Serve

One of the qualities I hope my children have is a love and compassion for other people. In fact, if I had to pick one characteristic above all others that I desire for my kids, it would be this one.

There are many things I try to intentionally do with my kids to help teach them the importance of caring and loving others. Service is one of these things.

Serving others is a very practical way of teaching kids how to love others. It takes them beyond the philosophical and abstract discussions of "we need to love and care for others" and goes to the concrete of "here's how you do it". Further, studies show that children who are involved in service are more likely to be involved in serving opportunities when they become adults.

Summer is a great time of year to look into service opportunities to do with your kids. There are community gardens and neighborhood clean up opportunities that are family friendly. Even preschoolers can pick weeds and pick up trash. Check out Idealist.org for a list of family volunteer opportunities in your area or check in with you local church for projects to get involved in. Personally, my kids are excited to participate in the ten thousand nets campaign this summer. They have set a goal of buying five nets. As a family we have been planning together ways to help them achieve their goal this summer.

But teaching your kids how to serve others involves more than just participating in a community service project once or twice a year. Serving others needs to be an expectation in their daily lives. Therefore, encourage your kids to assist you with chores around the house without them expecting to get something in return. Ask them to help their sibling put away the toys even though they didn't help make the mess. Create an expectation in your home that serving one another in your family is just as important as serving people outside of the family.

One more thing. It's easy as a parent to feel like your whole parenting life is about service. Still, serving others is often about going beyond what is expected of us. As parents, it's important to lead the way in serving others and this means our children and spouse. Modeling this can be in the simple things like offering to take over one of your kid's chores "just because" or helping them finish a job so they can get to their birthday party on time. It's pointing out how Dad served the kids today by getting up early to make them their favorite breakfast or how Mom did the dishes for Dad because he wasn't feeling well. It's OK to point out to your kids the specific examples of service you and your spouse do for each other and for your kids. This helps your kids learn what service looks like and how they can do it for others as well.

If serving each other in your family is something that has not been a high priority in your family, here's some ideas for introducing the concept or increasing the awareness in fun and easy ways.

1. Secret Servant - Each family member draws the name of another. They will be the secret servant of the name they drew. Before hand, discuss with your kids ways they could serve each family member should they draw their name. If you have children under five, try doing this for one day. Consider having a family Secret Servant day once a week, Sundays for example. Draw the names at breakfast and reveal who everyone served that day at dinner. Decide as a family if you'd like to do a longer stretch of time if you have older children.


2. Honored Family Member - Each week choose a family member that the rest of the family is going to focus on serving for the week. Once the honored member is chosen, discuss ways that person could be served throughout the week and divide tasks among each other.
   
3. The Giving Tree - Read the book "The Giving Tree" by Shel Silverstein. Create or buy a small "giving tree" to place on your table. During dinner, have a time where each member can say how they felt served by another family member. Using pieces of string, tie a bow on the tree for each act of service recognized. Enjoy watching your tree get filled up with the representations of your family's acts of service.

Making serving others, including serving each other in your family, a priority will help your child learn practical ways of caring for and loving someone else. Laying this foundation early in life will help increase the odds that he will be someone who actively cares for others as an adult. You will probably also discover that your family becomes transformed as you actively love and care for each other more intentionally.

Please share with us the ways your family serves in your community as well as each other. More ideas are always helpful!

Sometimes I Don't Want to Be a Mom

Sometimes I don't want to be a mom.

There. I said it.

Sometimes I just get tired of always being "on call," no days off, no sick days.

My days are filled with caring for a baby who has a lot of energy and has discovered she can get to just about any place in the house...really really fast. I can't take my eyes off her.

My afternoons are spent shuttling kids to lessons or helping them with homework.

Evenings are about making sure every one has been fed, and bathed, and gotten ready for bed.

At 8:30, all three of my kids go to bed. My husband and I dwell in the brief moment of silence, soaking in as much of it as we can. We know it will be short-lived. Because our 10-month-old will wake up between 10:30 and 11:00 for another feeding. Then she will probably wake up around 2:30 or 3:00 again needing help to go back to sleep. Sometimes we're lucky and she won't wake up again until 7:00. Sometimes we're not and she'll wake up one more time.

My oldest daughter sleepwalks.

Morning comes and I drag my sleep-deprived body out of bed motivated by the fact that the baby is on my bed, wide awake and excitedly crawling toward the cat at the end of the bed. Yes, this is almost an every morning occurrence. I don't know what motivates me more, fear that she's going to crawl off the edge of the bed or fear that she's going to pull out a huge chunk of my cat's hair, getting bit in the process. I can't remember the last time I woke up on my own, well-rested.

My son is like me. He hates getting up and likes to move slow in the morning. Not a great quality to have when you don't have a lot of time to get ready and leave the house on time. Almost every morning has something that challenges us from getting to school before the bell rings.

Every day is pretty much the same routine.

Weekends come. They should be a time for rest. Usually they aren't. With all five of us now home the energy level in the house skyrockets. It's our opportunity to get the house back in order after the busy week. The kids don't hide their disapproval of this.

My son likes to be really loud. He thinks it's funny. The baby likes to copy his loud noises. All
three kids think this is funny. Dad and I don't.

The kids argue. Sometimes with each other. Sometimes with me.

And sometimes...well...I just don't want to be a mom.

I collapse on the couch. I pretend there are no kids around me. I do the math in my head. How many years left do I have of this?

Then, my oldest daughter sees me and snuggles up beside me. "You're the best mom, ever, " she says and snuggles in deeper.

As I put my arm around her, I notice movement on the floor. The baby is crawling toward me at warp speed. A huge smile is lighting up her face. She reaches the couch, pulls herself up and tries to pull herself up onto the couch to join us.

"Hi goofball, " I say. "You want up, too?" I swing her up and now I have my two girls beside me.

A moment later, the front door opens and in bursts my son. "Mom! Mom!" he says. "I have something for you!" He rushes over to the couch and opens his hand. Inside is a sparkly rock. "I found this rock and wanted to give it to you," he explains.

He crawls up on the couch so that I can have a closer look.

I smile. My three beautiful children are near. And I love each of them so very much.

The best part of being a mom is moments like these. Moments when my kids remind me of the bigger picture. When they take me out of my selfish pity party and point out how full my life is with these little lives in mine. I'm humbled by how much they love me and feel ashamed at how quickly I forgot.

Sometimes being a mom is tiring, and overwhelming, and hard. But I wouldn't change being one for the world!

Instead, I think I'll set up an appointment for a massage.

My Three Kids Aren't a Handful

Samantha was on my hip with a big smile. Nathanael and Isabella had happily skipped away, each with a penny in their hand to go ride the horse. I stood at the checkout pleased with how quickly this trip to the grocery store went preparing to swipe my credit card for payment.

And then the checkout man made "the comment".

"Wow! You sure have your hands full."

This is just one of the many versions of this type of comment that people offer to parents, especially those of us with more than one child. The comments range from "Bless your heart for taking care of three kids, " to "You are so brave to take all your kiddos out," to "Three kids! Wow! One is plenty for me!"

I'm not sure who decided way back when that comments like these were like the secret handshake amongst adults. For me, comments like these fall into the same category as "people who feel like they can touch your tummy when you're pregnant"and "people who grab your baby's hands or face in effort to make baby interact with them." Absolutely annoying!

I guess it annoys me so much because I don't view my kids as a handful. I don't think for a moment that I'm some super hero for raising three kids (there are plenty of parents out there who have way more children to care for than I do), and I actually love having more than one child. In fact, I think having more than one child is easier and more fun in many ways than just having one.

Sure, there are moments in time when three is overwhelming. But for me, these are exceptions and not the general rule of life with three kids.

More importantly, I hate that my kids keep hearing these comments from adults. I've got to think at some point they've got to wonder whether adults really think that kids are such a life burden. It is for this reason that I am always quick to respond to such comments with a, "Nah, my kids are great," or "The two older ones are actually 'big helps' and are great to their little sister" or "I love having more than one!" I make sure my kids hear my response as often as possible. Even when they aren't around, I still respond positively about my kids. What I say about them when they can't hear me is just as important as what I say when they can.

People are usually surprised by my comeback I think because I'm supposed to seem grateful that they are being sympathetic to the assumed plight of a mom with multiple children. And I think I may offend them that I'm not participating correctly in this social exchange that is supposed to be accepted. But I want them to know that my kids are not a handful. They are really great kids with great hearts. They are good listeners and super helpful and generally really easy to go just about anywhere with. And I am so proud to be their mom!

So, please, stop the sympathetic comments. If you're a parent, don't play into this terrible exchange that occurs among adults. Join with me in letting others know that these comments are no longer the secret handshake amongst parents. Let's stand up for our kids and let the world know they are not a burden. Let's let the world know that having more than one child is a blessing, not a curse.

Maybe we can even start a new secret exchange. Maybe something like, "Three kids? Wow! How awesome!" A wink and a hive five would be fun, too!

The "Family Vacation" Vacation

It was one of our first real family vacations. Isabella was three and Nate was one. We spent a whole week in Vail with my husband's parents. About three days in, my husband Asa and I were sitting in the sun by the creek while our kids were splashing in the water. I turned to Asa and said, "This is so great! I love being away with you and the kids, out of the daily routine. I feel like I am enjoying my kids more this week and really feel like we're having some great family bonding."

Asa got really quiet and didn't say anything for a few minutes. Finally he said, "I feel so guilty now. Before you said that, I was actually sitting here thinking how this vacation is such a drag. It hasn't felt like much of a vacation at all. We're still full-time parents just in a different location."

My husband was experiencing what most new parents experience. The realization that your life is not just yours anymore. Many things we experienced before kids will never be the same now that children are in the mix. A family vacation is one of these things. It's just not the same thing as those vacations we experienced without kids. But that doesn't mean that things are now worse. They are just different. And as Asa and I talked about it more, we concluded that we just needed a mind shift in expectations.

A family vacation is not just about the parents getting away and relaxing. Some parents never realize this and end up hating family vacations because kids ruin this expectation for them. They resent their kids being there. Tensions run high the duration of the trip. Parents fuss. Kids argue. There may be glimmers of enjoyment, but overall everyone wonders why they did the vacation in the first place. Everyone comes home needing a vacation from their vacation.
Other parents decide that they are just parents, let go of all parts of who they are outside of parenthood, and make their family vacation all about the kids. All activities, locations, and food choices are all decided based on what will make the kids happy. The vacation is really an entertainment package for the kids, and while Mom and Dad may feel some joy in giving their kids a great vacation, parents get little or any opportunity to rejuvenate their own souls, connect with each other, and still may end up secretly resenting their kids for robbing them of their vacation time. Parents come home still needing a vacation from their vacation.

Families will enjoy their vacation when they change their expectations. A family vacation is about enjoying each other as a family. Not just making sure the parents are happy. Not just making sure the kids are happy. It's about doing something together as a family to create new experiences together and forming lasting memories. It's about getting the kids to try new foods or go to the local museum because they know it's something important to Mom or to Dad. It's about enduring the crowds and going to the festival because it's something the kids really want to do. And most importantly, it's about understanding that a family vacation does not take the place of a" parents only" vacation that needs to happen periodically as well.

We just came back from one of many family vacations we have taken since that trip to Vail. We were very thoughtful in how we planned the week to make sure that it was enjoyable for everyone. This time, we rented a house instead of staying at a hotel so that we could put the kids to bed at night and still stay up to sit outside drinking wine by the pool instead of feeling trapped every night in a hotel room once the kids went to bed. This also allowed us to not only save money on food, but be more flexible in making sure there was good food choices for everyone. Once we were at our destination, we had a family discussion about what each family member wanted to make sure they did during the trip and planned out together when and how we would make sure those things got accomplished. And when our nine-month-old woke up almost every night at 1:00 am for an hour-long cry fest, my husband and I would joke that at least we're up in the middle of the night feeling the ocean breeze.

By the way, my husband loves going on family vacations with our kids now. He enjoys getting to make up for the time he doesn't get to see them during the work week. He loves showing them new places and interacting with them as they experience new things. As a family, we enjoy our time together and the adventures we have. Because the family vacation is still a vacation. It breaks the everyday routine. It allows our brains and our bodies to do something fun with people we love. It slows down life and provides rest when needed. It's about not necessarily having to go somewhere, but not having obligations that prevent us from doing something if we want. This is vacation.

Family vacations are not a vacation from parenting. They're not a vacation from being a kid. These things come with us on our trip. We accept that going in. And because of that, we enjoy our vacation together.

Teaching Kids to Be Good Sports

I'm going to just be honest here. My little family of mine is made up of some very competitive individuals. I know that my husband and I lead the way on this. We enjoy healthy competition. We regularly play competitive games and we do keep score. I particularly love playing cards and strategy games with my husband because they are one of the few kinds of games I actually have a chance at beating him at. And Oh! how I love to beat my husband! Because my husband loves to win, too and he's really good at games of all kinds. He is not one of those "I'll ease up to let you have a chance" kind of individuals. And so when you beat him at a game, you feel a sense of accomplishment and want to bask in the moment.



When we first got our Wii, my daughter, then six, had this amazing natural ability with the Wii sports games, especially tennis. The first day, my daughter won almost every single game she played against her dad, complete with these killer serves that resulted in ace after ace. Like me, my daughter seized the opportunity to relish in the fact that she had "dominated" her daddy. True to his nature, my husband stayed up past midnight playing Wii tennis over and over so he would be sure not to be so "dominated" by his six-year-old the next morning. When my daughter discovered that Daddy had gained some skills overnight, she was driven to practice practice practice so as not to lose her ability to hold her own with her dad.


There was recently this wide-spread trend in childhood education circles that we should shelter our children from competition. No longer were there winners and losers. Everyone got rewarded with ribbons for effort. Soccer games were about the joy of playing soccer and no score was officially kept. The problem was, it didn't work. In fact, in some ways it had a negative impact on children. Psychologist and sociologists witnessed children who lost motivation to really put their full effort into activities. After all, what's the point if we're all going to get praised just for showing up? And kids really weren't being fooled by the new game playing strategy set by adults. While there was no official score kept, most of the kids on the soccer team knew how many goals each team had scored and who really was the winner. Kids were left wondering why adults were lying to them and were suspicious of the motivations for why games were being played if not to see who would win.


The truth that most human development experts have known for some time is that competition is an important part of human development. It drives the survival of the species. It encourages goal setting. It motivates learning. And it teaches an undeniable aspect of life, that it is full of experiences of competition. We compete against our peers for the next promotion at our jobs. We compete against other bidders for that house on the corner we want. We compete against thousands of other fans to claim the limited number of tickets available for the U2 concert. And sometimes we win. And lots of times we lose.


All this aside, playing games is fun. Yes, losing is disappointing. We all would prefer to win. But for most of us who have learned to play games for the enjoyment of the game know that it's worth the risk of losing for the sake of having fun and bonding with our friends and family. This is ultimately what we need to help our children learn as well.


Instead of sheltering our children from competition, parents should embrace it as an opportunity to help their children appropriately deal with winning and losing. I think most parents would agree that they desire for their child to be a humble winner and a gracious loser. Why? Because we hope that we would behave this way in similar situations, and we certainly hope that others would, too. After all, if we're going to go through life regularly involved in various competitions it would be nice if others would be humble winners when we lose and gracious to us when we win. Right?

So how do we help our children become good sports? Here's some quick tips to help teach your kids how to have fun competing and win and lose with dignity:

1. 
   Do not tolerate behavior that is inappropriate regardless of whether or not it's taunting or excessive celebration in times of winning or pouting and tantrums in times of losing. Clearly let your child know that you are not impressed with this behavior and will stop the activity, leave, etc. Follow through with this so your child learns that attention gets removed when they try to bring attention to themselves inappropriately.


2. Let your children lose. Be careful not to always let your child win. You don't want your child to expect to win all the time. Life does not work this way. And your child will be in for a shock when his peers don't let him win at the games they play together. Use losing in the "safe" environment of your home as an easy way to practice losing gracefully. Play games with them that they can reasonably win on their own but that it's possible they could also loose.


3. Help your child take the focus off them in winning and losing by asking them to think about what the other person or team did well. Encourage them to share their observations with the other players.


4. Before your child starts a game, remind them that we will cheer for whoever wins. This is the rule in order to play the game. Make it fun to celebrate whoever wins.


5. Watch sports games and other competitions with your child and talk about what both teams are doing well and what each could be doing better. Discuss how the winners are feeling and how the losers are feeling. Point out examples of good sportsmanship and help your child recognize when someone is not being a good sport.


6. When your child loses, help them try to process why. Was it a game of chance? If so, approach the game as something exciting. Who will win this time? Was it a game of skill? Is there something they could have done differently? Is there something they could practice or keep learning? Empower your child to learn from their experience instead of feeling helpless in their loss.


7. When your child wins, of course celebrate and be happy with your child. Talk about what your child did that contributed to their win. And if they are playing on a team, make sure your child recognizes what others contributed to the win. But remember to teach that winning isn't everything. Make sure that you are giving praise and attention outside of games and competition so that your child doesn't feel like they've let you down as well as themselves if they lose, or that they gain your approval only when they win at something.


8. Make sure that you are modeling good sportsmanship yourself. Be aware of the messages you send when you are watching sports games, other competitive shows, even political elections.
   

We have fun with our kids. We tease each other and playfully "smack talk". But I love that when my daughter wins the board game my son says, "Good job, Isabella!" and gives her a high five. I love that when my daughter's best friend won the Super Citizen Award at her school, Isabella started crying, not because she was so disappointed that she didn't win it but because she was so happy that her best friend did. I love that my kids get to witness their dad shaking the hands of the other soccer team he just played telling them, "good game" and reliving some of the great plays of the game with them even though his team just lost.

It is true that some parents do not teach their children well about about how to be a good sport. Unfortunately, experiences with these families give us all a bad taste about competition. Don't let these few bad apples spoil it for your child. With your guidance your child can be a great winner and loser and enjoy the competitions life has in store.

Are Kids Allowed to Get Angry?

Are kids allowed to get angry?

It may seem like a silly question at face value. I would guess that most of us would answer, "of course" to that question. And yet, parents often respond to their child's anger as if they have no right to feel that emotion.

Think about it. Your preschooler has an absolute meltdown when you say it's time to leave the park even though you've been there two hours. The child is clearly angry that it is time to leave. But what do we say as a parent? "Stop that! You are being dramatic. This is not something to have a meltdown about. We've been here for two hours and it's time to go. If you don't cut it out we're not coming back next time!"

Or, your seven-year-old is mad at her friend because she's not playing fair. Your child is crying, arms crossed, flung on the couch, full of frustration. Response? "Your friend is here to play with you. If you can't figure it out, then we'll just send your friend home. You're being ridiculous!"

We even have similar responses to our babies who get angry. Your exhausted little one still protests in anger when you dare to try to get them to go to sleep. "Come on," we sigh in exasperation. "You are so tired. Just take your binky and go to sleep already!"

We get stuck with our kids' anger when we expect that what gets us angry should also get our children angry (messy rooms, homework not getting completed, etc.) and what isn't a big deal to us also shouldn't be a big deal to our child (leaving the park after hours of playtime, waiting until after dinner for the cookie, etc.).

But our kids aren't us. And what is important to them isn't necessarily what's important to us. Further, kids have a right to feel angry over the things that are important to them whether we understand their reasons or not. Just like us adults, nothing is more frustrating to a child than being told you aren't allowed to feel what you feel or having your emotions dismissed as being childish.

That being said, children do need to handle their anger appropriately. But they need to learn how, and this is where parents often fail. Unfortunately, parents tend to put energy into trying to get their children to stop feeling angry instead of teaching their children what to DO when they feel angry.

Here are some tips to help you teach your kids to be angry without making life miserable for everyone else.

1. Anger is a secondary emotion. That means we feel it after we feel something else first. Help your child determine their first emotion. Are they hurt? Disappointed? Discouraged? Scared? Feeling out of control? Knowing the first emotion gives you something to talk about and address with them. Recognizing this first emotion helps children feel understood.
2. If you think of degrees of anger as being on a scale of 0 - 10 (zero being not angry at all and ten being the angriest a person can get) don't try to interact or solve a problem with a child who is clearly at "5" or above on that anger scale. Whether you are a child or an adult, no one can think clearly or act appropriately when they are this angry. Provide a cool down spot for your child (removed away from everyone else) for them to stay until they are ready to talk like a "big boy" or "big girl". This is not a punishment. Stay calm and lovingly escort them to their spot explaining what they need to do (calm down so we can talk) and be OK with waiting as long as it takes for them to realize they need to be calm before they get your attention again.
3. Give your child options for what they can do instead when they feel angry. They can say, "I don't like that" instead of "I don't like you". They can jump up and down instead of hitting. They can even say, "That makes me mad!" But they cannot scream, hit, throw a tantrum, break things or make a scene. Let your child know that you will always listen to them when they talk to you appropriately but will not listen when they don't. Then, make this the rule and expectation. Do not let inappropriate ways if handling anger ever be tolerated regardless of where you are or the situation. Never justify or excuse their behavior. Remember, you are preparing them for adulthood. Their future boss will not let them get away with a complete meltdown just because they were tired, or hungry, or not feeling well. Your job is to stay consistent with this expectation so that your child is able to learn how to be angry appropriately now and into adulthood.
4. Talk through their emotion with them. For example, "You're feeling really disappointed that it's time to leave. I understand. You were having a lot of fun. It's OK to feel disappointed. But we'll come again."
5. Redirect their anger in a positive way as soon as you can and let them use their anger to empower them. Questions like, "You don't like the way your friend is playing with you. What are some ways you could solve that problem with your friend?" or "Next time we come to the park, what do you want to make sure you do right away so you don't feel like you run out of time?" or "You feel like you miss out on playtime when it's time to do homework. How could you get your homework done and still feel like you have good playtime?"
6. In the midst of anger, coach your child through appropriate cool down techniques such as taking deep breaths, getting a drink of water, running up and down the stairs, stepping outside for some fresh air, or scribbling on a piece of paper. Doing something physical is the quickest way to calm down. If your child refuses to do any of these things or is too angry to make this decision, choose for your child and put them somewhere removed from everyone until they calm themselves down on their own.
7. Most importantly, make sure that you are modeling appropriate anger behaviors with your children. Children copy the behavior they see their parents do. Don't yell and throw "adult tantrums" when you're angry if you don't want to deal with these same behaviors with your children. Let them see you angry and the steps you take to calm yourself down. They also need to see you act on your anger in a way that positively solves your problem and resolves conflict.

If you don't know how to appropriately handle your own anger and solve your own problems you can't help your children learn these skills either. It's OK to take a class (like those offered at Xylem Family Resource) or seek other resources that can help you learn these skills so that you are able to be a better teacher to your kids. Seeking help does not mean you're a bad parent. It means you're a good one.

Finally, your child doesn't get their way just because they handled their anger appropriately. But when they do and you reward that by taking the time to acknowledge and process their feelings with them it does help them feel valued. And while they may not want to admit it in the moment, that is more important to them in the long run.

Talking About Haiti

Isabella and Nate were flipping through channels on the TV last week. Isabella paused for a moment on the news. Something caught her eye. "Oh," she said. "It's just about an earthquake." She went to reach for the remote to change the channel again.

I stopped her.

"Actually you guys," I said, "it's not just an earthquake. It's a very sad and terrible thing that has happened."

There is definitely balance needed when talking to kids about devastation, disasters, violence, hurt, heartache, death. Especially with young children. Things that happen outside their own sphere of experience, particularly events in another country far away, are abstract and difficult to get little minds around, regardless of whether it's good or bad. It's hard for adults to get our minds around.

And yet, I don't want to raise my children completely sheltered from the "bad" of the world despite the part of me that wants my children to believe the world is all about Popsicles, swings, and playgroups. It seems easier to let them believe that the only death in the world is the death of a pet fish and that "starving" is what we say when it's way past when we should have had dinner. Exposing them to the ugly side of life is a lot harder. But I want my kids to be compassionate toward others. I want them to learn that the world isn't all about them. That there are many hurting people in this world and we can play a role in healing some of those wounds. I don't want a child who sees the coverage of the earthquake in Haiti and it's victims to be so used to me changing the channel, just so they won't be upset by what they see, that they don't know to feel sorrow for the suffering of other people. Or worse, a child who doesn't even realize that there are other people in the world suffering while we sit in our warm house playing our Wii and eating chocolate brownies.

And so I told my children about the earthquake. I told them about how poor the country was and how little the people there had in concrete ways they could understand. I told them that the children there didn't have rooms full of toys and that many people there didn't even have televisions. I told them that many homes didn't have sinks and toilets with running water. They already had very little. And then the earthquake came and destroyed almost all of the buildings in the city. The very little they had got lost. Their homes fell. Their work places fell. Many many many people died. And the people there are very very sad and scared.

My kids grew silent processing what this all meant. Then they asked questions, and I let them. I helped them process the information they were hearing to the best of their developmental ability. But I also included hope for them. We talked about how people from all over the world were coming to help them. I told them people from our country were sending food and supplies. I told them our church and many other churches were praying for them and that they could, too.

Just as important, I reassured my children that this happened in a country far away. The earthquake was not in our city. We are safe. Our buildings are stronger. We have more resources. We are fortunate that our situation is very different from the people in Haiti.

All this having been said, we don't keep the television on with the Haiti images constantly rolling in front of our children. They don't need to see hours of disturbing pictures to learn the qualities I desire for them. We limit how much news we watch about it on TV because they are already getting it everywhere anyway. There's news teasers during the shows they watch. The d.j.'s on the radio discuss it. The kids are talking about it at school. I'm not worried that they are clueless to what's going on.

And now my role is to be available to them as I allow them to learn and experience this side of life. My kids have said they felt sad about Haiti. I need to be OK that they are sad. They have felt concerned, wondering if people are still helping them or was it just for one day? I'm thankful they're concerned and that they can be reassured that help is still coming, learning that a situation like this can't be "all better" in one day. Isabella has felt helpless. I've been able to talk to her about ways even she can help by giving some of her money, praying, even loving her own friends and family during this time. My kids are learning something valuable and I am here to teach and guide them through this learning process.

Events like the tragedy in Haiti are awful. But because I chose not to shelter my children from it, my kids are able to develop compassion for those less fortunate than they. They are able to develop empathy toward others who are outside of their world experience. They begin to understand that while the world is a bigger place than they realized, they can still have an impact on it. And they will ultimately be better individuals for it.

CBS News offered a great article that includes a video on some tips for talking to your kids about tragic events such as the one in Haiti if you would like more information on this topic. Click here for a link to that article.

Please share how you are talking to your kids about this and any questions or concerns you have encountered along the way.

"No" At Christmas

Can you relate to this scene?

Walking through the mall, doing some last minute Christmas shopping with Nate, we passed a woman who was doing balloon animals. Admittedly, they were pretty amazing creations. And there were a lot of parents purchasing one for their child in exchange for a donation to the charity she was supporting.

Nate really wanted one. I said, “No.” He did not like that answer.

The whining began. “Mom, I reaaallly want one! You never let me get one of those! And I want one today!”

To which I responded, “I hear ya, Bud. But not today,” and continued to walk away.

Nate’s face transformed. Brows furrowed. Lips pouty. Eyes glaring. He stuck his foot in front of the stroller to stop it and firmly repeated, “I want a balloon!” It actually surprised me a bit, my five-year-old acting like he was two. Normally Nate doesn’t behave like this. Apparently, he was in a mood to test the boundaries this day.

I know I’m not alone in this type of experience with my kids. I see similar scenarios all the time between other parents and their kids. What they choose to do next dictates what lies ahead. For some, the argument continues and escalates as parent and child engage in a power struggle that includes more crying, yelling, embarrassment, maybe even physical interactions. For others, in effort to avoid the power struggle, the parent gives in, even though they may try to make themselves feel like this isn’t the case by stating something like, “If you don’t calm down you’re not getting anything” or “If I get you the balloon then you can’t have ‘X’ later. Is that OK with you?” The child learns that they are ultimately the one in control and can just throw a temper tantrum (or threaten to have one) to get what they want. Parent is left frustrated. Child is left with a feeling of entitlement. The relationship between the two is damaged. And the scenario will happen again.

That doesn’t work for me. I get that Nate is five and doesn’t understand why sometimes I say no to things he wants. I get that he thinks the balloon animals are cool and really does want one. However, he needs to learn that he can’t always get what he wants. And he definitely needs to know that this kind of behavior is not going to get him success.

So, I immediately stopped in my tracks, grabbed his arm and pulled him to me. I squatted down to his level and talked so only he could hear me, but firmly because I wanted him to know that I was serious.

“Nate, I know you want a balloon. But today we are not getting one. Instead, I am choosing to spend my money on other Christmas gifts for you. I love you very much. And I want to get you nice things that I know you will enjoy. When I’m not treated with respect, it doesn’t make me very excited to buy any gifts. Remember that Mommy and Daddy take good care of you. And you will be getting a lot of wonderful gifts in just a few days from lots of people who love you. You do not need a balloon animal today and my answer is, “No”. Do you understand?” Nate nodded his head.

I continued, “Now I need an apology from you for the way you were acting because that is not OK.” Nate apologized.

“OK, Bud. Thank you for saying,’sorry.’” I gave him a hug and told him I loved him. Then we got up to go catch up with Dad and Isabella.

This worked quickly and effectively because this is a common interaction between me and my kids. They know that I understand where they’re coming from. They know that I usually will give them a reason behind my ”no” so it doesn’t just feel arbitrary to them. But my kids also know that I am consistent with my “no.” They know that if they push beyond the final “no” I will also be consistent with a consequence like “time out”, even if we’re in the middle of a busy mall.

Kids wanting and asking is inevitable, especially at Christmastime when there are so many exciting things potentially available to them. But that does not mean the power struggles are inevitable, or the meltdowns, or the frustrations, or the empty wallet. It is OK to say no in a firm but loving way and still have a Merry Christmas!

Don’t forget your consistency this Christmas. And don’t forget to enjoy this special time with your children!

Christmas is About Giving

One of the questions I get a lot around the holidays is how to help children realize that Christmas is not just about toys. Many parents get really frustrated with the consumerism mentality of Christmas. I don’t think there is one answer to this question. But I thought I’d share some of the things we do in our family around this issue.

To begin with, I don’t think it’s the presents that are the problem at Christmas. In fact, the gifts are an important part of the symbolism of what Christmas is really about. However, it’s also important to me that my kids don’t see Christmas as one big Gift Getting day. As a result, we’ve tried to be very intentional about helping the kids understand that while receiving gifts is a lot of fun, Christmas is actually about the GIVING of gifts.

Here are some of the things we do to encourage a different mindset about Christmas presents:

1. We teach our kids that we give gifts to others to show our love for them. We do this in response to the gift of love that God gave to us when he gave us his son. We talk about this several times leading up to Christmas including having the kids remind us all about this before we open any presents on Christmas morning.

2. We encourage the kids to make a list of the people in their lives that they want to show love to this Christmas. We ask them to think about each person and what that person might really like to receive for Christmas. Having the kids think about each person and what they could do or give to them to show them love encourages our kids to keep the focus on others. My kids actually LOVE this process.

3. My children are always involved in picking out the gift that will be from them. Yes, it is way easier to go shopping on my own and just write their name on the tag of the gift I bought (whispering in their ear what the item is before the gift is opened so they know what it is). But doing it this way only reinforces that it’s just about getting a gift and not the thought behind it.

4. Instead of lots of gifts to our kids, we give a few thoughtful gifts (one gift from Santa and two gifts from us). My kids are not deprived of gifts by any means. Between siblings, grandparents, aunts, and friends my kids get more than enough presents at Christmas.

5. Gift tags don’t just say, “To:” and “From:”. We also include something on there about how much we love them and what they mean to us. We encourage our kids to do the same on their tags.

6. Instead of just adding to the piles of toys in their room each Christmas, we encourage our kids to give away older toys before Christmas. We offer one dollar for every toy they give away. The money received is used to help them buy gifts for their friends, siblings or cousins. More importantly, it provides an opportunity to talk about those less fortunate than us and the things that we can do (like donating) to help those in need.

7. We try to provide other ways for the kids to make some money so that they really feel like the gift is from them (not to mention the other life skills they learn from this process). Our kids are still young enough that we will help supplement the cost of a gift if needed.

8. We realized a few years ago that we spent all of December talking about the meaning of Christmas, celebrating Advent, reminding the kids about why we buy gifts for others, etc. and then Christmas morning came and the focus was all on opening gifts and eating food. So, we moved the reading of the Christmas story from the Bible to Christmas morning before gifts were opened as a lead in to why we were about to share gifts with one another. I have liked this new tradition in my family. I would like to think of some other things we can do Christmas Day as well that keeps the day Christ-focused as well.

These are just some of the things we do to help teach our kids that Christmas is not just about all the presents you get. I am very proud of my children that they seem to understand this. I love watching them be just as excited about the gifts they plan to give as they are thinking about what they might get from others this year. And I love that I don’t have children left with a feeling of entitlement over the holidays. It is so much fun to celebrate Christmas with my kids, giving them gifts because I love them, not because I have to, and receiving gifts from them that they have put thought into and are excited to give. It has proven to me that it is definitely possible to celebrate Christmas with children and it not just be all about the presents and consumerism.

I KNOW that you out there have some great ideas and traditions that you do that help your children with this same issue. Please share them. I am always looking for more ideas for my family and to share with others!

Yes, There is a Santa Claus

My kids believe in Santa. Santa is part of our Christmas celebration. My kids also know inside and out what Christmas is really about. I don't worry that letting our kids believe in Santa overshadows the birth of Jesus or will damage them in the long run.

Why and How? First, I would say that Santa is 10% of our overall Holiday experience. Our kids visit Santa at the mall (we tell them that this is not the real Santa, but a Santa's helper with direct connection to the "real" Santa. So telling the mall santa what they want for Christmas is like telling the "real" Santa). But the majority of the talk about Santa happens Christmas Eve as we write a letter to him welcoming him to our home, leave out cookies and milk (and carrots for the reindeer) and encourage our excited children to go to sleep so Santa can come. In the morning, stockings have been filled and Santa has left one special present for each of them wrapped in different paper, usually their "big" present; the present they most wanted. Santa also leaves a note for them by the empty cookie plate thanking them for being such wonderful children, highlighting some of the things he noticed this year when they had been "good", and encouraging them to keep up the great job. He has also left for them in the past a bag of birdseed asking them to help take care of the birds in our neighborhood. Outside, there are carrot crumbs left on the ground and our cars from the messy reindeer. We do these things and have fun with them. My kids are still young enough that they believe in it all (although I think this may be the last year for Isabella). And I let them.

But my kids also understand that Santa is just a part of the celebration of Jesus' birth, like the pinata at a birthday party. We tell the kids that Santa does what he does because he wants to participate in the giving of gifts just as God gave to us. Yes, Santa celebrates the birth of Christ. This is why we do only one gift from Santa. It's not about getting lots of gifts from him, rather it's about Santa participating in giving gifts to us just as we give gifts to each other in response to God giving us the greatest gift ever. More on gift giving in a future post.

The majority of our focus as a family during the Christmas season is around Advent, the meaning of the candles that we light every night at dinner, the Advent book that we read every night before bed that leads us up to Bethlehem (we use Advent Storybook by Antonie Schneider. Perfect for preschoolers, but my first-grader still enjoys the simple stories each night) and the retelling of the Christmas Story throughout the days and weeks before Christmas.

We have a very special nativity set that is a major focus in our living room to look at and visually remind us as a family what the season is about. And we have a plastic nativity set that is just for our kids to play with and set up however they choose.

I model for them that while I have fun singing Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, my favorite Christmas song is O Holy Night because of the amazing words that speak of Christ's birth. And our favorite Christmas movie is A Charlie Brown Christmas with Linus' explanation of what Christmas is all about.

The point is, Santa is a part of our celebration, he is not the celebration. My kids know this. They haven't lost the true meaning of Christmas. However, they still participate in the magic and childhood imagination of Santa Claus.

There is a lot of research out there on the effects of discovering the truth about Santa on kids including how this may impact a child's belief in God. There is also research that a belief in Santa can actually have some positive effects on children developmentally. I have shared some of this information on the Xylem Family Resource Facebook page on our wall and also as a discussion topic "To Santa or Not to Santa, That is the Question". If you haven't already, I encourage you to take a look at some of this information.

I know this is a hot topic. Because this is the way we do it in our family does not necessarily mean that this is the "right" way or the "best" way. It's A way. I've chosen to do it this way after a lot of thought and consideration and it seems to be a great balance for the kids. Let me know what questions you have!

Dangers of Parental Disagreement

In a previous post, I told the story of how our lamp shade got broken ( read You Break It, You Pay For It). After giving us $4 from his coin bank, Nate had decided that he wanted to try to sell some of his toys to pay the remaining amount of his half for the new shade.

The other day, we were doing a run to Goodwill to drop off some items we had cleaned out of the garage. I told the kids that I would pay them a dollar for every toy they wanted to give away mentioning that this could be money used toward buying Christmas presents for friends or, in Nate’s case, to pay off the remaining $3 balance on the lamp shade.

Nate raced up the stairs and came down with his large Tonka Dump Truck and proceeded to take it outside where his dad was loading up the car. I could overhear the following conversation:

Dad: What are you doing with that?
Nate: I’m giving this away.
Dad: No. You don’t need to give that away. That’s your good truck.
Nate: But Mom’s going to give me a dollar for it.

Seconds later my husband came inside. “Why are you letting him give this away?” my husband asked.

I explained to him what I told the kids.

My husband did not think this was a good idea. “He plays with this truck. We could go upstairs and clean out a ton of toys that they actually don’t play with and give those away. It doesn’t make any sense to give away toys that they play with.”

I totally saw his point. On the other hand, I argued that the toy must not be that important to him if he was so willing to give it away for a dollar. Besides, they had so many toys that I actually didn’t care which ones they got rid of.

My husband and I went back and forth on this until finally I agreed that we’d hold off on the toys until we could spend more time really helping the kids think about which toys they wanted to give away.

Fast forward to yesterday. I was asking Nate to do something for me that he was reluctant to do. Before the power struggle I knew was coming began, I reminded Nate that he needed to listen to Mommy.

It was almost as if he was waiting for the cue. He looked up at me and said, “I don’t always have to listen to you.”

“Oh yes you do, Nate,” I responded.

“But sometimes I only have to listen to Dad and not to you,” he retorted.

“What are you talking about? Mom and Dad are a team and you need to listen to both of us. What Dad says and what I say are the same.”

And then Nate brought up the incident with the truck reminding me that what I had said didn’t mean anything and that Dad was the one who got to decide what to do with the truck in the end.

I work with dozens of couples helping them parent more effectively as a team. One of the major things I always emphasize with them is that you never disagree with each other in front of the kids. If there is disagreement, you always go into another location away from the kids to work it out so that you can come back out as a united front.

Even when it’s a small disagreement like taking a truck to Goodwill.

The fact that my husband disagreed on what should be done with the toys was not the problem. It’s OK that we disagreed. And our discussion was not the problem. We argued back and forth on the issue and came to a mutual agreement that worked for both of us. The problem was that we did all of that in front of the kids leaving the impression that Dad “won” and therefore must have more authority than Mom even though that is not the case. If we had had our same discussion in private and then I came out telling Nate that Mommy and Daddy have changed our minds and we’ve decided to wait until we can go through your toys together, it would have changed the perception of who was really in charge for Nate. He would have seen us more as a united team than two opposing sides battling for a win.

Thank you Nate for reminding me of this.

How good are you and your spouse at keeping your parenting disagreements private? Do your kids see you as a united front or opposing sides? What can the two of you do better?

Thankful For My Family

Are you thankful for your family? I don't necessarily mean all your aunts and uncles, brothers and sisters, mom and dad. I mean specifically your nuclear family; your spouse and your kids.

Now I'm sure for many of you your first reaction is ,"Of course". And I don't doubt you. But what about your family makes you thankful? To answer that question, most of us usually have to pause and really ponder the list.

I've asked families in the past to list for me ten things they are thankful for in regards to their family. Most people think this will be an easy assignment...until they get to number five or six. Coming up with a whole list of ten things makes us really have to stop and ponder. It's even harder if the assignment is changed to require ten things you're thankful for regarding each individual in your family.

Why? Because it is so easy to focus on what we're not content with in our family. My house isn't big enough. My daughter is exceptionally dramatic these days. When my son isn't being whiny, he's challenging the rules of the house. My husband is working too much these days. Coming up with a list of ten things I'm not thankful for is pretty easy.

But research shows that our attitude toward a person or a situation is largely influenced by our positive or negative energy put toward it. In fact, the chemicals released in the body when we're thinking negative thoughts are different than the ones released when we think positive. That's right. There is actually a physiological effect in our body that occurs depending on our attitude toward something. If our thoughts and attitudes can have physical effects on our bodies, it's no wonder that they can in turn effect how we treat the ones we love and the things that we have.

I was really struck by remembering this today. I looked around my house. It's a mess and I'm not very motivate to clean it up. But for the past year I have also been very discontent with my house. In fact, I have said out loud that I hate my house. And I think my negative attitude that I keep toward my house has translated into a half-hearted way of taking care of it. If I can see the effect of my attitude on my house, what would it look like if I had a negative attitude toward my husband? My kids?

And this is why I'm encouraging myself and you to purposely, intentionally, make a list of at least ten things that you are thankful for. I know that some of you may have a hard time even getting started. You're thankful for your family in theory, but family is stressful right now. Maybe your marriage is rocky or your kids seem challenging. But even if it takes you all day, try to come up with at least ten ways to be thankful for your family.

To show that I am really trying to practice what I preach, here are my lists. I'd love to see your lists, too if you are willing to share them. Put them in the comment section below or feel free to e-mail them to me at tara@xylemfamily.org.

Happy Thanksgiving!

My Husband:
1. I am thankful that my husband loves being a father and intentionally is a part of their lives.
2. I am thankful that my husband loves me and goes out of his way to show me that is true.
3. I am thankful that my husband truly believes we are a parenting team and is an equal participant in raising our kids.
4. I am thankful my husband loves to cook and is a fabulous cook and as a result my family gets awesome meals on a regular basis. I'm particularly thankful for this because I HATE cooking and am not very good at it.
5. I am thankful that my husband believes that me staying home to be available for our children is important and never has thought twice about the sacrifices we have had to make in order to make that happen.
6. I am thankful that my husband enjoys hanging out with me and actually has fun with me.
7. I am thankful that my husband and I have the same sense of humor. Without him, I don't know who I would laugh with.
8. I am thankful that my husband not only has a job but loves his job.
9. I am thankful that my husband works hard at his job and is ambitious about continuing to grow within his company so that our family can live even beyond comfortably.
10. I am thankful that my husband gets up in the middle of the night with our baby to bring her to me so that it's easier for me to go back to sleep and that he takes her away in the morning when he can so I can get few extra minutes of sleep.

All of my kids:
1. I am thankful that my kids are healthy.
2. I am thankful that my kids have not had significant harm physically, emotionally or spiritually.
3. I am thankful that my kids love to smile and laugh.
4. I am thankful that my kids love each other.
5. I am thankful that my kids enjoy being with other people.
6. I am thankful that people enjoy being with my kids.
7. I am thankful that my kids have sweet hearts that allow them to care for others.
8. I am thankful that my kids are bonded to me and my husband in a healthy way.
9. I am thankful that each one of my kids add something unique to our family.
10. I am thankful that my kids love me as much as I love them.

You Break It,You Pay For It

Nate and Isabella were having a lot of fun wrestling yesterday. I love how they love each other. They are such great friends. But last night their “fun” was getting a little close to the bookshelf and floor lamp. I stopped them twice to remind them to be careful and aware of where they were.

“We’re being careful, Mom!” they sang.

Moments later, there was a crash. Isabella had plunged into the floor lamp and grabbed onto the lampshade to try to catch herself. Instead, her weight and momentum just ripped the lampshade off its stand leaving a small piece dangling from the wire frame and exposing the brightly burning bulb.

My two kids froze. They stared at me waiting to hear what I was going to say. They knew they were in trouble.

Yelling at them would not fix my broken lampshade. Neither would sending them both to time out or taking away desert. We now needed a new lampshade, and my kids are always in need of opportunities to learn logical consequences.

“Bummer, you guys,” I said. “You’re both going to have to buy a new lampshade for that lamp.” They both looked at me dumbfounded. I don’t think they expected that. I explained to them that the shade would cost anywhere between $15 and $20 which meant that they would each need to come up with about $10.

Isabella broke into a wail. “I don’t haaaaaavvvvveeee $10!” The tears flowed along with, “Mom, it was just an accident! It was not on purpose!”

I let them know that I knew it was an accident. I reminded them that I was worried an accident might happen which is why I cautioned them to watch what they were doing. They weren’t in trouble. But we did need our lampshade back.

I reminded them of the time I was in a car accident. Though it was an accident, it was also my fault because I wasn’t watching what I was doing. I had to pay to get my car fixed and the other person’s car fixed. Even if it’s an accident, we still need to fix our mistakes.
“But I have no money!” Isabella continued.

I gave them some ideas. They could use the money they had in their coin banks. They could do some chores that Daddy and I would pay them for. Or they could sell some of their toys (I would help them post them on Craig’s List).

True to Nate’s character, he accepted his consequences and immediately trotted upstairs to find toys to sell.

Isabella stayed to argue some more.

“Isabella, look at me,” I said. “I know you’re disappointed. I know you wish it hadn’t happened. But look at my face. I am not going to change my mind. You will need to figure out how to pay for the lampshade by this weekend.”

It was over. Isabella stopped arguing.

Nate is almost five and Isabella is only seven, so I will help them along the way in getting their money. If they choose chores, I will pay them generously for the things I ask them to do. If they sell toys, I will help them gather toys that will get them at least $10. I will help them count the coins in their coin jar. But I won’t let them off the hook.

I am thankful that they get opportunities to learn lessons of responsibility like this. And this logical consequence will have a bigger impact on their future behavior than anything else I could have done.

Plus, I get a new lamp shade.

Connecting With Your Kids During the Week

I recently had a conversation with a working mom who shared with me her struggle to connect positively with her kids during the week. In the midst of getting up early, rushing to get dressed and out the door, late afternoon pick up from daycare, making dinner and getting ready for bed, there seemed to be little time to just enjoy her kids. Each day she just needed to make it through the daily routines until they could get to the weekend. Then she felt she had to make the most of the weekend to make up for what was missing during the week.

Many working parents can relate to this feeling. Truth is, many stay-at-home parents can relate to this feeling, especially those of us with kids in school. But it is not fair to our kids to only get us emotionally two days a week. It’s not fair to us, either. We need to regularly bond with our kids as much as they need to bond with us.

When we miss out on connecting with our kids during the week, we feel the consequences. Our kids begin to feel like a burden, a hassle, an added stress. We end up looking back on our week and feel like parenting is hard work. We feel guilty that we’re too busy for our kids and tell ourselves, “we’re a terrible parent”.

So, I’d like to share some things we do in our home to enjoy and connect with our kids throughout the week that fit into the daily routine.

Picnic on the floor Who says dinner always has to be at the dinner table? Sometimes, we lay down a blanket, bring out the paper plates (yea! no dishes to wash!) and eat dinner on the floor. We will often do this in front of the TV so we can watch a movie during dinner. My kids LOVE this!

Cooking with Kids Instead of setting our kids up to play or watch a video while we rush in the kitchen to make dinner, we let our kids help us make dinner. Even a two-year-old can wash the vegetables or press start on the microwave to defrost the chicken. For us, we have found that this is a great way to get our kids excited about cooking and food (my daughter’s dream is to one day be on the food network). Yes, it may mean going a little slower. But it’s not by much. If there isn’t really anything the kids can do, we sit them up on the counter to have them watch us so we can talk to them while we cook. We sing with them and talk to them about their day. All while getting dinner done.

Car Sing-a-Long Many parents play kids CD’s in their car to keep their kids entertained. In our car, I sing along with my kids. It’s a way to enter into their world and have fun with them. It does mean we’ve had to pick out CD’s that I can stomach. I cannot handle the cheesy kids songs that are out there. Our family enjoys the Curious George soundtrack. I get my Jack Johnson and they get fun kid songs. But my experience is that kids enjoy any music. It doesn’t have to have a kid sticker on it. My kids also enjoy listening to my radio station and my CD’s. They’re familiar with the songs and we all enjoy singing along together. Forcing myself to sing along with my kids has turned around many a grouchy morning for me.

Do Your Homework WITH Your Kids Read all about this one in my post a few weeks ago, Homework Strategies Part 2.

Here Comes the Clothes Monster When my kids were littler, instead of battling them over getting their jammies on or their socks and shoes on, I turned it into a game and had fun. Oh No! Here comes the Jammie Monster. I’m coming to get you! Here I come! And I grab you and tickle you and pull off your shirt and tickle you while I put on your jammie top. You cannot escape me. I get you I get you I get you!….Now imagine with me the squeals of laughter I got with this approach vs the yelling and frustration I experienced doing it the boring way. A great bonding moment that takes five minutes AND the clothes get on.

Now that my kids are older, we still do games around getting ready. I’ll say, “I bet I can get my jammies on before you” and I race my kids over who can get dressed first. Or we’ll blast a fun song on the iPod for us to jam to while we get ready.

Love Notes put love notes in my kids’ lunches every time. I’ve been doing this since preschool (they would have their teachers read the short note to them). These notes mean a lot to my kids. Sometimes I pick my daughter up from school and she has taped the note from her lunch onto her shirt and my son will have his in his pocket. Writing the note makes me pause a moment to think about how I’d like to connect with each child later in their day even though I’m not with them. Love notes can also be hidden in their coat pockets, their books, or any other item where they can discover it later.

These are just some of the things I do with my kids throughout the week. The point is, I am intentional about it. I know my time is limited with them during the week, so I have to take what we have and find ways to use our routine to connect with each other. As a result, I find I enjoy my kids more during the week. I’m not so tired at the end of the day. I look forward to being with them. And I don’t feel guilty that I’m not giving my kids enough attention or the need to compensate on the weekend for what was lacking during the week.

I’d love to hear what you do or what you are going to try to do throughout the week to stay connected with your kids beyond the daily routine. We can all use more ideas.

You Are a Good Parent

Today I want to encourage you.

You are not a terrible parent. In fact, I know you are a good parent because you are seeking out ways to become better at what you do with your kids. You came searching for solutions to things you're struggling with. Or you knew this blog was here and came to read what it had to say because you want to soak up as many parenting ideas as possible. You know you don't have all the answers. You know that there is no such thing as a perfect parent (except for our Divine Father...which is a whole other blog post). And because you know this, you want to learn more ways to be better at this parenting job of yours. You love your kids and you want what's best for them. And a good parent like you knows that since you're one of the most important influences in your child's life, they deserve the best from you.

And yet, if you're like many of the parents I come across, you feel like you're a terrible parent because you don't know all the answers to your parenting questions. Your kids do frustrate you. You get angry at them. You find yourself at a lost for how to deal with those recurring behaviors. There are times you feel like you are completely out of control and it overwhelms you. And because you feel this way, you feel like you're failing. Or you feel guilty because the only thing you know what to do in such situations are things you swore you'd never do.

You are not a terrible parent. You just don't know what to do instead.

Read those two sentences again.

The love we feel for our children, the desire to protect them, our desire to be the best parent possible for them, these things are innate. How we carry these things out practically is not. Parenting skills are learned. Most of us have not been taught great parenting skills. Many of us were actually taught very poor parenting skills. How you parent your own kids was taught to you primarily by those who parented you. And even though you swore you would never yell like your mother or give in like your father, when all else fails and you don't know what else to do, you find yourself falling back on what you DO know and doing the things you saw your own parents do in similar situations.

This is good news. It means you are not a bad parent. You just do what you know how to do.

This is good news because how you parent is a learned behavior.

This is good news because you can learn something different. You can learn more skills. You can learn to be a better parent. You can learn parenting strategies that actually work so you don't have to get so angry. You don't have to yell. You can actually feel successful in your parenting. And when you keep learning new and better strategies and commit yourself to putting them into practice it won't be long before you realize what I knew about you from the beginning.

You are good parent.

Homework Strategies Part 2

So you got your homework bin all set up, right? If not, read the previous post.

Here are some more tips that I do with my kids to make getting their homework done less of a battle each night.

First, it is not a requirement that they get their homework done as soon as they get home before they can do anything else. Yes, I know. That's a common rule among parents. Get it done and over with, right? But I know how I feel after a long day at work. The last thing I want to do when I get home is go right back to work-related tasks. School is like a day at work for kids. Just like me, kids need some decompression time. So, I give them about 30 - 45 minutes of play and snack time before getting them going on homework.

Once the "chill out" time is done, all homework and piano practice need to be completed before the TV comes back on or playtime starts again. On days when there are extra-curricular activities the same rule still applies. My kids are learning that the activities they've chosen may cause nighttime playtime to be limited. I say they're learning this because they still try protesting sometimes when a late soccer practice leads to late dinner which leads to getting homework completed right when it's time to start getting ready for bed meaning no TV or playtime that night. On days like this, my kids can always choose to shorten their down time after school and get going on their homework right away to allow for more playtime later. This is always a choice for them. I never require it except for the rare situation when I know there will not be time to do homework later if they don't get started right away.

When it's time to get going on homework, we pull out the homework bin, their assignments and we all get to work. That's right. I stay involved and do their homework with them. That's probably the biggest factor in our success. I don't do the work for them. I ask questions and have them "teach" me what they are supposed to do. And sometimes I have them do several problems or pieces of their work by themselves and then I check it over. But I view homework time as family time. I stay in the room with them (and my husband, too when he's here), helping them along until homework is completed.

I work with many parents who want their kids to get going on homework on their own so they can get back to doing whatever they were doing or disappear into the kitchen to make dinner. Many parents complain that the battles with their kids are usually over getting their kids to "go do" their homework and are frustrated that every time they walk back into the room, their kids aren't doing their work, are messing around, or playing. Parents are frustrated with the attention getting behaviors such as the melt downs, the "I can't do this", and the sibling battles, all behaviors designed to get you back into the room. By staying in the room and involved to begin with, many if not all of these behaviors get eliminated.

Here's why I encourage parents to do this even with their Jr. High and High School students. First, once school starts, the amount of time we get to see and interact with our kids greatly decreases. During the week, I see my kids about five hours total each day, and that's on the days that they don't have piano, soccer practice or swimming. And whether our kids admit it to us or not, they miss us during the day, too. Children desire attention from their parents. Yes, even those older kiddos. Since homework is inevitable and unavoidable, I first view homework as an opportunity to spend time with my kids. Being a great parent is not always convenient from my perspective. I agree that it is a pain to juggle getting dinner together or my baby cared for while helping my two older kids with their homework. But I try to figure out the multi-tasking because it is important for me to spend time with the kids I haven't seen all day however I can.

Second, and most obviously, by staying involved in their homework I am able to stay aware of what they are doing in school and how well they are doing academically. I can be a better support to my child's learning when I know the topics they're covering and the areas they need to keep practicing.

There have been a couple times so far that my kids have not completed their homework despite all I have tried to do to set them up for success (admittedly, we are only in our second year of doing homework. I know the incidences will most likely increase over the years to come). In these cases, they get sent to school without their homework done and must explain to their teacher why this happened. Literally, they have to explain to their teacher why they didn't do their homework. I follow up with the teacher to make sure it was done and support any natural consequences that come from the teacher for not having homework turned in.

By staying consistent with our homework routine and expectations, homework time goes smoothly. While my kids often don't enjoy having to do more schoolwork at home, they do enjoy the attention and time they get from me and my husband during this time.

This topic usually brings up lots of frustrations and questions. What questions do you have? What's working and not working for you? Let me know by commenting below and let's discuss possible solutions.