Connecting With Your Kids During the Week

I recently had a conversation with a working mom who shared with me her struggle to connect positively with her kids during the week. In the midst of getting up early, rushing to get dressed and out the door, late afternoon pick up from daycare, making dinner and getting ready for bed, there seemed to be little time to just enjoy her kids. Each day she just needed to make it through the daily routines until they could get to the weekend. Then she felt she had to make the most of the weekend to make up for what was missing during the week.

Many working parents can relate to this feeling. Truth is, many stay-at-home parents can relate to this feeling, especially those of us with kids in school. But it is not fair to our kids to only get us emotionally two days a week. It’s not fair to us, either. We need to regularly bond with our kids as much as they need to bond with us.

When we miss out on connecting with our kids during the week, we feel the consequences. Our kids begin to feel like a burden, a hassle, an added stress. We end up looking back on our week and feel like parenting is hard work. We feel guilty that we’re too busy for our kids and tell ourselves, “we’re a terrible parent”.

So, I’d like to share some things we do in our home to enjoy and connect with our kids throughout the week that fit into the daily routine.

Picnic on the floor Who says dinner always has to be at the dinner table? Sometimes, we lay down a blanket, bring out the paper plates (yea! no dishes to wash!) and eat dinner on the floor. We will often do this in front of the TV so we can watch a movie during dinner. My kids LOVE this!

Cooking with Kids Instead of setting our kids up to play or watch a video while we rush in the kitchen to make dinner, we let our kids help us make dinner. Even a two-year-old can wash the vegetables or press start on the microwave to defrost the chicken. For us, we have found that this is a great way to get our kids excited about cooking and food (my daughter’s dream is to one day be on the food network). Yes, it may mean going a little slower. But it’s not by much. If there isn’t really anything the kids can do, we sit them up on the counter to have them watch us so we can talk to them while we cook. We sing with them and talk to them about their day. All while getting dinner done.

Car Sing-a-Long Many parents play kids CD’s in their car to keep their kids entertained. In our car, I sing along with my kids. It’s a way to enter into their world and have fun with them. It does mean we’ve had to pick out CD’s that I can stomach. I cannot handle the cheesy kids songs that are out there. Our family enjoys the Curious George soundtrack. I get my Jack Johnson and they get fun kid songs. But my experience is that kids enjoy any music. It doesn’t have to have a kid sticker on it. My kids also enjoy listening to my radio station and my CD’s. They’re familiar with the songs and we all enjoy singing along together. Forcing myself to sing along with my kids has turned around many a grouchy morning for me.

Do Your Homework WITH Your Kids Read all about this one in my post a few weeks ago, Homework Strategies Part 2.

Here Comes the Clothes Monster When my kids were littler, instead of battling them over getting their jammies on or their socks and shoes on, I turned it into a game and had fun. Oh No! Here comes the Jammie Monster. I’m coming to get you! Here I come! And I grab you and tickle you and pull off your shirt and tickle you while I put on your jammie top. You cannot escape me. I get you I get you I get you!….Now imagine with me the squeals of laughter I got with this approach vs the yelling and frustration I experienced doing it the boring way. A great bonding moment that takes five minutes AND the clothes get on.

Now that my kids are older, we still do games around getting ready. I’ll say, “I bet I can get my jammies on before you” and I race my kids over who can get dressed first. Or we’ll blast a fun song on the iPod for us to jam to while we get ready.

Love Notes put love notes in my kids’ lunches every time. I’ve been doing this since preschool (they would have their teachers read the short note to them). These notes mean a lot to my kids. Sometimes I pick my daughter up from school and she has taped the note from her lunch onto her shirt and my son will have his in his pocket. Writing the note makes me pause a moment to think about how I’d like to connect with each child later in their day even though I’m not with them. Love notes can also be hidden in their coat pockets, their books, or any other item where they can discover it later.

These are just some of the things I do with my kids throughout the week. The point is, I am intentional about it. I know my time is limited with them during the week, so I have to take what we have and find ways to use our routine to connect with each other. As a result, I find I enjoy my kids more during the week. I’m not so tired at the end of the day. I look forward to being with them. And I don’t feel guilty that I’m not giving my kids enough attention or the need to compensate on the weekend for what was lacking during the week.

I’d love to hear what you do or what you are going to try to do throughout the week to stay connected with your kids beyond the daily routine. We can all use more ideas.

You Are a Good Parent

Today I want to encourage you.

You are not a terrible parent. In fact, I know you are a good parent because you are seeking out ways to become better at what you do with your kids. You came searching for solutions to things you're struggling with. Or you knew this blog was here and came to read what it had to say because you want to soak up as many parenting ideas as possible. You know you don't have all the answers. You know that there is no such thing as a perfect parent (except for our Divine Father...which is a whole other blog post). And because you know this, you want to learn more ways to be better at this parenting job of yours. You love your kids and you want what's best for them. And a good parent like you knows that since you're one of the most important influences in your child's life, they deserve the best from you.

And yet, if you're like many of the parents I come across, you feel like you're a terrible parent because you don't know all the answers to your parenting questions. Your kids do frustrate you. You get angry at them. You find yourself at a lost for how to deal with those recurring behaviors. There are times you feel like you are completely out of control and it overwhelms you. And because you feel this way, you feel like you're failing. Or you feel guilty because the only thing you know what to do in such situations are things you swore you'd never do.

You are not a terrible parent. You just don't know what to do instead.

Read those two sentences again.

The love we feel for our children, the desire to protect them, our desire to be the best parent possible for them, these things are innate. How we carry these things out practically is not. Parenting skills are learned. Most of us have not been taught great parenting skills. Many of us were actually taught very poor parenting skills. How you parent your own kids was taught to you primarily by those who parented you. And even though you swore you would never yell like your mother or give in like your father, when all else fails and you don't know what else to do, you find yourself falling back on what you DO know and doing the things you saw your own parents do in similar situations.

This is good news. It means you are not a bad parent. You just do what you know how to do.

This is good news because how you parent is a learned behavior.

This is good news because you can learn something different. You can learn more skills. You can learn to be a better parent. You can learn parenting strategies that actually work so you don't have to get so angry. You don't have to yell. You can actually feel successful in your parenting. And when you keep learning new and better strategies and commit yourself to putting them into practice it won't be long before you realize what I knew about you from the beginning.

You are good parent.

Homework Strategies Part 2

So you got your homework bin all set up, right? If not, read the previous post.

Here are some more tips that I do with my kids to make getting their homework done less of a battle each night.

First, it is not a requirement that they get their homework done as soon as they get home before they can do anything else. Yes, I know. That's a common rule among parents. Get it done and over with, right? But I know how I feel after a long day at work. The last thing I want to do when I get home is go right back to work-related tasks. School is like a day at work for kids. Just like me, kids need some decompression time. So, I give them about 30 - 45 minutes of play and snack time before getting them going on homework.

Once the "chill out" time is done, all homework and piano practice need to be completed before the TV comes back on or playtime starts again. On days when there are extra-curricular activities the same rule still applies. My kids are learning that the activities they've chosen may cause nighttime playtime to be limited. I say they're learning this because they still try protesting sometimes when a late soccer practice leads to late dinner which leads to getting homework completed right when it's time to start getting ready for bed meaning no TV or playtime that night. On days like this, my kids can always choose to shorten their down time after school and get going on their homework right away to allow for more playtime later. This is always a choice for them. I never require it except for the rare situation when I know there will not be time to do homework later if they don't get started right away.

When it's time to get going on homework, we pull out the homework bin, their assignments and we all get to work. That's right. I stay involved and do their homework with them. That's probably the biggest factor in our success. I don't do the work for them. I ask questions and have them "teach" me what they are supposed to do. And sometimes I have them do several problems or pieces of their work by themselves and then I check it over. But I view homework time as family time. I stay in the room with them (and my husband, too when he's here), helping them along until homework is completed.

I work with many parents who want their kids to get going on homework on their own so they can get back to doing whatever they were doing or disappear into the kitchen to make dinner. Many parents complain that the battles with their kids are usually over getting their kids to "go do" their homework and are frustrated that every time they walk back into the room, their kids aren't doing their work, are messing around, or playing. Parents are frustrated with the attention getting behaviors such as the melt downs, the "I can't do this", and the sibling battles, all behaviors designed to get you back into the room. By staying in the room and involved to begin with, many if not all of these behaviors get eliminated.

Here's why I encourage parents to do this even with their Jr. High and High School students. First, once school starts, the amount of time we get to see and interact with our kids greatly decreases. During the week, I see my kids about five hours total each day, and that's on the days that they don't have piano, soccer practice or swimming. And whether our kids admit it to us or not, they miss us during the day, too. Children desire attention from their parents. Yes, even those older kiddos. Since homework is inevitable and unavoidable, I first view homework as an opportunity to spend time with my kids. Being a great parent is not always convenient from my perspective. I agree that it is a pain to juggle getting dinner together or my baby cared for while helping my two older kids with their homework. But I try to figure out the multi-tasking because it is important for me to spend time with the kids I haven't seen all day however I can.

Second, and most obviously, by staying involved in their homework I am able to stay aware of what they are doing in school and how well they are doing academically. I can be a better support to my child's learning when I know the topics they're covering and the areas they need to keep practicing.

There have been a couple times so far that my kids have not completed their homework despite all I have tried to do to set them up for success (admittedly, we are only in our second year of doing homework. I know the incidences will most likely increase over the years to come). In these cases, they get sent to school without their homework done and must explain to their teacher why this happened. Literally, they have to explain to their teacher why they didn't do their homework. I follow up with the teacher to make sure it was done and support any natural consequences that come from the teacher for not having homework turned in.

By staying consistent with our homework routine and expectations, homework time goes smoothly. While my kids often don't enjoy having to do more schoolwork at home, they do enjoy the attention and time they get from me and my husband during this time.

This topic usually brings up lots of frustrations and questions. What questions do you have? What's working and not working for you? Let me know by commenting below and let's discuss possible solutions.

Ending the Arguing

Kids argue with us because they believe that as long as they keep our attention on the issue they have a chance to win. Obviously, if we ever give into our kids once they've started arguing with us, because they've worn us down or even because we've change our mind, we've only confirmed for them that arguing works, at least sometimes. If it works sometimes, then EVERYTIME they will give it a shot that THIS will be one of those "sometimes".

If you're like me, you probably HATE it when your kids start to argue with you when you've given your answer on an issue. So here's what I do to avoid the arguing:

When I see my kids are about to start arguing an issue I immediately look them strait in the eye and very calmly but firmly say, "I've given you my answer. I am not going to change my mind." This lets them know that it's not worth continuing with the discussion. Usually, this ends it (to their dismay) because I also try to be very consistent. They know that once I say this their chances are over. I love that "I'm not going to change my mind" phrase. It let's them know right away that it's not worth continuing on.

However, there are times when they test me, as children are designed to do. If they try to argue once I've told them I'm not changing my mind, then I offer them their choice.

"Now you are arguing. You can stop right now or you can take a time out for arguing. What's your choice?"

And then it's important to immediately follow through. A protest or continuing to argue means they've made their choice to take the time out. Not allowing an argument to go a sentence past "I'm not going to change my mind" and then consistently following through has stopped many potential arguing episodes with my kids.

But I have been teaching my kids something else. Sometimes they do have a good point and I have jumped to my final answer too quickly. If my children calmly come back talking like a "big boy" or "big girl" and present their case for my reconsideration, I will listen to them. Sometimes, they present good arguments and I will change my mind. Sometimes I will thank them for politely talking to me and that I'm very proud of them for doing so, but my answer is still "no". And sometimes we negotiate. I am OK with teaching them that sometimes they can get me to change my mind if they actually TALK to me. In my opinion, this is a good life skill to teach them. How many times in our adult lives do we need to change some one's mind? But we're more likely to be successful if we talk to the person rather than argue with them, right?

Try using the "I'm not going to change my mind" line, or your variation ("I've given you my final answer", "I've heard you, and my answer is 'no," etc.) with your kids and stick with it. Then, let me know how it works for you!

A Healing Touch

A long exhausting day with my baby. Samantha wants to be held more than my other two children ever did. I'm lucky if she'll let me put her down for more than 10 minutes. I've tried putting her in a sling so that she can feel held and I can still get things done. Sometimes she gives into me and puts up with the sling, but usually she protests.

Samantha cries a lot, too. Some of it is because she's still weeks old and it's completely normal for her to cry as much as she does. Some of it is because her tummy hurts as she seems to be suffering from acid reflux like her older sister did. Some of it is just her personality and she just likes to let you know when she doesn't like something. But whatever the reason, it wears me out physically and emotionally.

Until, around 9:00 at night, she settles down as her body prepares for her night of sleep. She becomes quiet and still. Her body gets heavy. There's a gentleness that comes over her. She even seems to smell sweeter. My husband offers to take her from me to give me a break. But I refuse. There is something healing in this moment. As I hold her against my chest and rest my check on the top of her little head I feel myself falling in love with her all over again. I hold her tighter soaking in every moment with her. All the stress and tiredness from the day melt away. I sense that they melt away for Samantha, too. We rest. We forgive. We enjoy being together. Mother and baby are bonded.

A story like this probably doesn't come as much of a surprise to you, especially if you're a mom. Even before our babies were born we see adds and read articles all emphasizing the importance of touch in creating bonds with your baby. But let me share a different story with you.

It has been a long exhausting day. Nate has had two time outs and one long temper tantrum in his room. I feel like I have been nagging him all day to clean up his messes, to stop picking on his older sister, to listen, to talk to me in a different way, to stop whining. It's 6:00 in the evening and I've just had another confrontation with him. I see his little face look defeated. He's on the verge of tears as he realizes he once again has not lived up to his mother's expectations. But this time I pause. I sense there is a division between the two of us that keeps getting bigger. My mother's heart wants to reach out to my son.

This time I do hand Samantha over to my husband. And instead of dealing out a consequence, I tell Nate to come to me. I lift up all 45 pounds of my big boy and hold him. Not just a hug, but hold him against my chest. I place my cheek on the top of his head and soak in the feeling of my little boy wrapped around me. Gradually, I feel the stress and tiredness of my day with Nate melt away. I feel Nate's body relax, too. I rub his back and stroke his hair and I whisper, "I love you, Bud," into his ear. We rest. We forgive. I fall in love with my little boy all over again. A healing moment. Mother and baby are bonded.

I am convinced that the healing and bonding power of touch does not end with our children once they stop being babies. Try it with your own children...even your older ones...and see if I'm right.

My Child Knows the "F" Word

"Mom, sometimes I get so mad at my friends that I want to say the "S" word."

I about spit out my dinner. The statement seemed to come out of nowhere and was not something I expected to hear from my little girl. But I tried to remain calm.

"What do you know about the 'S' word?" I inquired.

Isabella hesitated. I could tell she was carefully thinking about whether she could say it to me or not. Eventually, she decided it was safe enough to say the forbidden "S" word aloud. "Stupid," she blurted out. "Sometimes I just want to use that word, Mom."

My heart started beating again. I let out a deep sigh of relief that my child still held onto some of her innocence. Stupid. Of course that's the "S' word. Of course that's a word you shouldn't use with your friends, even when you're mad at them. Isabella agreed, relieved that I wasn't mad at her for saying the dreaded word.

We talked for awhile about friendships and how they can be challenging sometimes. We brainstormed some other things we could say to our friends when we get so mad that we want to say the "S" word. It was a great conversation, really. And just when I thought we were wrapping it up, and I was feeling good about how well I handled that whole interaction, Isabella says, "And I won't say the 'F'' word either. That's a bad word, too. Right, Mom?"

My head raced. "F" word? What harmless first-grade put down is the "F" word? I cautiously asked, "What do you know about the 'F'' word?"

Isabella was confident this time. She didn't hesitate since she had been able to safely say the "S" word without getting in trouble. So she just matter-of-factly said it. Only it was the "F" word. The true "F-Bomb".

I couldn't believe I was hearing the word coming out of my sweet little girl's mouth. Where did she hear it? I was absolutely positive she never heard it from me or my husband. I am not much of a swearer myself and my husband is great about not using foul language at home. I couldn't hide some of my shock on this one. "Isabella. That is a word we never say. That is a very bad word. Where did you hear that word?"

"At school," she replied. "But my teacher said it was a bad word and we shouldn't say it." Right. School. Quickly I reminded myself of all the positive reasons why I send my children to school and of the words Tim Kimmel says in his book Grace Based Parenting...that we can't protect our kids from everything in this world. I try to remember it's better to let kids encounter things and feel safe to talk about them with their parents than to hide the world from them so they won't know how to interact with it appropriately when it's eventually revealed to them anyway.

Learning the "F' word was going to happen sooner or later, and I shouldn't be surprised that it happened at school. I was just hoping it would have been introduced a little later. Yet here was my daughter wanting to know what the word meant and why you can't say it.

How do you explain the "F" word without opening a whole bunch of topics that my 6 1/2-year-old wasn't quite ready for? So, I told her that it basically means "disrespecting some one's body." Not a perfect answer, I know. But it was enough to satisfy her since she knows it is a big deal to disrespect someone. We then talked about how words are just words but that there are some words people have decided are more hurtful and powerful than others. The "F" word was one of these words. It is one of the worst words you can say. And it's a yucky word. Some people think they look cooler or tougher when they use it. But we don't need that word to be cool or tough. We have other words we can use that don't hurt others and aren't yucky to say. Fortunately, Isabella was satisfied.

You might be interested in hearing how the word actually came up at Isabella's school. Apparently, they were learning a new word family one day. It was the "UCK" family. Isabella's teacher asked the class to come up with all the words they could think of that ended in "UCK". If you've ever been around a new reader, you know that they just take the ending given and start working their way through the alphabet. Buck. Cuck. Duck. You get the idea. After laughing hard at the image of Isabella's teacher panicking over 22 kindergartners stumbling on the "UCK" word that starts with "F", I again breathed a smaller sigh, but a sigh all the same, of relief that there was still some innocence left in my daughter.

Teaching Social Skills or Hey! Cut That Out!

I recently had a great conversation with a good friend of mine who is a teacher at a local middle school. She made a great comment. She said, "The popular kids get teased and put down just as much as the unpopular kids. Just the popular kids know how to stick up for themselves and not be affected by it."

In he mid-80's, Gardner came out with this theory of multiple intelligences. Basically, the premise is that someone can have intelligence in a variety of areas, not just what gets tested on an I.Q. test. All of us have strengths and weaknesses in these areas ranging from linguistic to intrapersonal (self-smarts). One of these areas that Gardner proposes is Interpersonal Intelligence, or in layman's terms, "good social skills".

What this means is, just like we all are born with varying degrees of athletic, musical or linguistic abilities, we're also born with varying degrees of social abilities. This doesn't mean that in any of these areas that we're seemingly "weaker" in, they can't be made stronger. It just means that we're not a natural in that area. While we're not all born Mozarts, most of us can learn how to play the piano with practice and effort and eventually be able to play one of his songs.

Why am I bringing all this up and where's the personal application to my own parenting? Well, I bring it up because I have to remember as a parent that just like I teach my kids proper manners at the dinner table, and their number awareness, and how to clean the bathroom the "right" way... Just like I send my awkward daughter to gymnastics to improve her body awareness and my son to preschool to better prepare him for elementary school...I need to also be intentional about teaching them good social skills that will help them be a good friend but also keep and maintain friendships with others. Because while my kids aren't totally socially lost, I would not say that they have a high natural ability in this area. Most kids don't.

Last Wednesday, my daughter came home from school very sad because a group of her friends stopped playing with her and ran off without her. It's really easy for my "momma bear" instincts to kick in when my daughter's sadness is caused by the actions of someone else. What I want to do is protect her from those bad feelings letting her know that friends can be mean sometimes and it's not fair. I want to wrap her in hugs and tell her I think she's wonderful and that I would play with her if I was a 6-year-old at her school. And I want to try to brush it off by reassuring her that tomorrow will be different. That's my initial impulse. But that is not helpful to my daughter. It would make her feel better, but it would also reinforce her letting her friends run off, feeling sad every time they do that, and then shrinking back to mommy at the end of the day for attention and comfort. So instead I tried to process the series of events with her. What were they all playing? What did you say? What did you do? When they did leave you, what did you do next? This gives me the information I need so we can take it step by step and see where in the process Isabella could have used better social skills.

I couldn't get all the details out of Isabella about what led up to her friends leaving her behind. But I did get from her that after they left she just went off and played by herself and was sad. So, here I took the opportunity to teach her that instead of pouting she needs to stick up for herself. When her friends leave her, she needs to go after them and say, "Hey! What's the deal? Why did you leave me?" Her friends may then give her the feedback she needs regarding what behavior SHE was doing that made them leave, so she can fix it. But it will also send the message of "I'm not a wimp and treat me with some respect." It also teaches Isabella that she is important enough to stick up for herself.

When Nate is getting picked on by his sister and truly has tried to nicely say, "please stop", and his sister isn't listening, instead of always coming to the rescue and disciplining Isabella, I tell Nate to look his sister strait in the face and say loud and firm, "Cut it out!"

When Isabella tells me about a boy in her class that was teasing her about her picture, I have her practice with me so that next time he does that she can look up at him calmly, but firmly, and say something like, "I didn't ask for your opinion," or ask "Why are you suddenly so interested in my picture?" It's not about being rude or disrespectful. Anyone who knows me and my kids know that respect and kindness ALWAYS comes first. But it IS about self-confidence and knowing how to stay strong in situations and not get walked over or beat down.

For the majority of kids, good social skills, from how to make friends, to how to solve problems, to how to stand up for yourself, have to be taught. I can't forget as a parent that these are important skills that I have to regularly teach to my kids just like I teach them other life skills. Social skills are such a huge part of our lives and I want to help set my kids up for success in this area, too.

There are many other simple activities that can be done with kids that help them learn and practice good social skills....Games you can play at the dinner table or do while driving to school. I won't fill this day's entry any more with further examples. You've read long enough. But if you'd like more of these ideas to help your child develop better social skills, just let me know! =) Thanks for reading!

Goof-Ball Under Control

My daughter, Isabella can be a bit of a goof-ball. She loves to get silly. Unfortunately, she's not always the best at knowing when it's appropriate to be silly or when it's time to stop. Recently, this has started to interfere with her piano lessons. Now, I understand that her lesson on Thursdays is about an hour after school gets out, right about the time her pent up energy is about to explode. And I also understand that having a different person than her mom and dad to show off to is quite exciting. But it is still important for her to learn when being silly is appropriate and when it's time to stop regardless of the situation.

The past few weeks, piano lessons from my perspective have been a very high maintenance experience for her teacher. While her teacher is great and actually specializes in Isabella's age group, having a high-energy goof-ball as a student has got to get under the skin of even the most kid-loving adult, especially when they're trying their best to try to teach them something in a very short amount of time.

I have talked to Isabella after class several times about her behavior and why it was inappropriate. I have even spoken up in the middle of her lesson to try to redirect her. In both cases, I usually speak with a very firm voice and a "you're not making a very good choice" lecture. I always tell parents that when a strategy doesn't work, don't keep trying to make it work. Yet, that's what I was doing. My strategy hadn't worked no matter how many times I tried. It was time to get unstuck and try for a different approach.

So this time on the way to her lesson, I had Isabella tell me what she was going to do differently this week in lessons. When she told me she was going to listen and do what she was being asked to do, I had her tell me what her plan was for when she felt like getting too silly. After thinking about it, she told me she was going to take a deep breath and tell her body to calm down. Then I had her imagine herself going through her lesson with her teacher being a good listener, doing what she was being asked to do, and learning new things on the piano. I also had her imagine needing to calm herself down when she felt like getting silly so that she could do all those things effectively.

As we pulled up to the house I asked her, "Are you ready for a great lesson today?" With a big smile Isabella said, "Yup, I am!" And she was. She had a great lesson and kept her silliness under control (at least within a reasonable range). Isabella (not me) needed to prepare herself for a great lesson. I only coached her through that process. And she needed to know what to do when she was getting off track. Just telling her to stop didn't help her. She needed a plan for what to do instead. Again, she came up with the plan, I just helped her get started.

It was a perfect reminder of how being proactive toward undesired behavior is usually more effective, and positive, than being reactive. And it was way more fun to praise and celebrate with her the good job she did on the way home than scold and lecture her. A win for both of us!