Teaching Social Skills or Hey! Cut That Out!

I recently had a great conversation with a good friend of mine who is a teacher at a local middle school. She made a great comment. She said, "The popular kids get teased and put down just as much as the unpopular kids. Just the popular kids know how to stick up for themselves and not be affected by it."

In he mid-80's, Gardner came out with this theory of multiple intelligences. Basically, the premise is that someone can have intelligence in a variety of areas, not just what gets tested on an I.Q. test. All of us have strengths and weaknesses in these areas ranging from linguistic to intrapersonal (self-smarts). One of these areas that Gardner proposes is Interpersonal Intelligence, or in layman's terms, "good social skills".

What this means is, just like we all are born with varying degrees of athletic, musical or linguistic abilities, we're also born with varying degrees of social abilities. This doesn't mean that in any of these areas that we're seemingly "weaker" in, they can't be made stronger. It just means that we're not a natural in that area. While we're not all born Mozarts, most of us can learn how to play the piano with practice and effort and eventually be able to play one of his songs.

Why am I bringing all this up and where's the personal application to my own parenting? Well, I bring it up because I have to remember as a parent that just like I teach my kids proper manners at the dinner table, and their number awareness, and how to clean the bathroom the "right" way... Just like I send my awkward daughter to gymnastics to improve her body awareness and my son to preschool to better prepare him for elementary school...I need to also be intentional about teaching them good social skills that will help them be a good friend but also keep and maintain friendships with others. Because while my kids aren't totally socially lost, I would not say that they have a high natural ability in this area. Most kids don't.

Last Wednesday, my daughter came home from school very sad because a group of her friends stopped playing with her and ran off without her. It's really easy for my "momma bear" instincts to kick in when my daughter's sadness is caused by the actions of someone else. What I want to do is protect her from those bad feelings letting her know that friends can be mean sometimes and it's not fair. I want to wrap her in hugs and tell her I think she's wonderful and that I would play with her if I was a 6-year-old at her school. And I want to try to brush it off by reassuring her that tomorrow will be different. That's my initial impulse. But that is not helpful to my daughter. It would make her feel better, but it would also reinforce her letting her friends run off, feeling sad every time they do that, and then shrinking back to mommy at the end of the day for attention and comfort. So instead I tried to process the series of events with her. What were they all playing? What did you say? What did you do? When they did leave you, what did you do next? This gives me the information I need so we can take it step by step and see where in the process Isabella could have used better social skills.

I couldn't get all the details out of Isabella about what led up to her friends leaving her behind. But I did get from her that after they left she just went off and played by herself and was sad. So, here I took the opportunity to teach her that instead of pouting she needs to stick up for herself. When her friends leave her, she needs to go after them and say, "Hey! What's the deal? Why did you leave me?" Her friends may then give her the feedback she needs regarding what behavior SHE was doing that made them leave, so she can fix it. But it will also send the message of "I'm not a wimp and treat me with some respect." It also teaches Isabella that she is important enough to stick up for herself.

When Nate is getting picked on by his sister and truly has tried to nicely say, "please stop", and his sister isn't listening, instead of always coming to the rescue and disciplining Isabella, I tell Nate to look his sister strait in the face and say loud and firm, "Cut it out!"

When Isabella tells me about a boy in her class that was teasing her about her picture, I have her practice with me so that next time he does that she can look up at him calmly, but firmly, and say something like, "I didn't ask for your opinion," or ask "Why are you suddenly so interested in my picture?" It's not about being rude or disrespectful. Anyone who knows me and my kids know that respect and kindness ALWAYS comes first. But it IS about self-confidence and knowing how to stay strong in situations and not get walked over or beat down.

For the majority of kids, good social skills, from how to make friends, to how to solve problems, to how to stand up for yourself, have to be taught. I can't forget as a parent that these are important skills that I have to regularly teach to my kids just like I teach them other life skills. Social skills are such a huge part of our lives and I want to help set my kids up for success in this area, too.

There are many other simple activities that can be done with kids that help them learn and practice good social skills....Games you can play at the dinner table or do while driving to school. I won't fill this day's entry any more with further examples. You've read long enough. But if you'd like more of these ideas to help your child develop better social skills, just let me know! =) Thanks for reading!