My Child Knows the "F" Word

"Mom, sometimes I get so mad at my friends that I want to say the "S" word."

I about spit out my dinner. The statement seemed to come out of nowhere and was not something I expected to hear from my little girl. But I tried to remain calm.

"What do you know about the 'S' word?" I inquired.

Isabella hesitated. I could tell she was carefully thinking about whether she could say it to me or not. Eventually, she decided it was safe enough to say the forbidden "S" word aloud. "Stupid," she blurted out. "Sometimes I just want to use that word, Mom."

My heart started beating again. I let out a deep sigh of relief that my child still held onto some of her innocence. Stupid. Of course that's the "S' word. Of course that's a word you shouldn't use with your friends, even when you're mad at them. Isabella agreed, relieved that I wasn't mad at her for saying the dreaded word.

We talked for awhile about friendships and how they can be challenging sometimes. We brainstormed some other things we could say to our friends when we get so mad that we want to say the "S" word. It was a great conversation, really. And just when I thought we were wrapping it up, and I was feeling good about how well I handled that whole interaction, Isabella says, "And I won't say the 'F'' word either. That's a bad word, too. Right, Mom?"

My head raced. "F" word? What harmless first-grade put down is the "F" word? I cautiously asked, "What do you know about the 'F'' word?"

Isabella was confident this time. She didn't hesitate since she had been able to safely say the "S" word without getting in trouble. So she just matter-of-factly said it. Only it was the "F" word. The true "F-Bomb".

I couldn't believe I was hearing the word coming out of my sweet little girl's mouth. Where did she hear it? I was absolutely positive she never heard it from me or my husband. I am not much of a swearer myself and my husband is great about not using foul language at home. I couldn't hide some of my shock on this one. "Isabella. That is a word we never say. That is a very bad word. Where did you hear that word?"

"At school," she replied. "But my teacher said it was a bad word and we shouldn't say it." Right. School. Quickly I reminded myself of all the positive reasons why I send my children to school and of the words Tim Kimmel says in his book Grace Based Parenting...that we can't protect our kids from everything in this world. I try to remember it's better to let kids encounter things and feel safe to talk about them with their parents than to hide the world from them so they won't know how to interact with it appropriately when it's eventually revealed to them anyway.

Learning the "F' word was going to happen sooner or later, and I shouldn't be surprised that it happened at school. I was just hoping it would have been introduced a little later. Yet here was my daughter wanting to know what the word meant and why you can't say it.

How do you explain the "F" word without opening a whole bunch of topics that my 6 1/2-year-old wasn't quite ready for? So, I told her that it basically means "disrespecting some one's body." Not a perfect answer, I know. But it was enough to satisfy her since she knows it is a big deal to disrespect someone. We then talked about how words are just words but that there are some words people have decided are more hurtful and powerful than others. The "F" word was one of these words. It is one of the worst words you can say. And it's a yucky word. Some people think they look cooler or tougher when they use it. But we don't need that word to be cool or tough. We have other words we can use that don't hurt others and aren't yucky to say. Fortunately, Isabella was satisfied.

You might be interested in hearing how the word actually came up at Isabella's school. Apparently, they were learning a new word family one day. It was the "UCK" family. Isabella's teacher asked the class to come up with all the words they could think of that ended in "UCK". If you've ever been around a new reader, you know that they just take the ending given and start working their way through the alphabet. Buck. Cuck. Duck. You get the idea. After laughing hard at the image of Isabella's teacher panicking over 22 kindergartners stumbling on the "UCK" word that starts with "F", I again breathed a smaller sigh, but a sigh all the same, of relief that there was still some innocence left in my daughter.

Pick Up Your Toys or I Will

I didn't have time to argue. The baby had been crying and I was just sitting down to nurse her. We had friends coming over in about 30 minutes. Nate's toys, that were strewn all over the floor and stairs, needed to be picked up.

I asked him once to please pick up his things. He immediately developed some rare condition that causes his legs not to work and he complained that he couldn't walk. Going through the effort of a time out was not an option at this point.

So I told Nate that he had until I was done nursing Samantha to pick up all of his things. Anything that wasn't picked up by the time I was finished was going to go into a bag. Nate chose to cry the entire time while I nursed instead of picking anything up.

So, when I was done, I went to the kitchen and got a big plastic Target bag. I dramatically shook it open for Nate to hear (which made him wail all the more) and quickly swept through the room picking up everything I saw and placing it in the bag. In went about 20 toy cars, his favorite Mac truck, his brand new coin sorter that held over $7 of saved coins, some Star Wars figures and ships, and a pair of shoes. It took me about three minutes to collect it all and store the bag in a place I knew Nate would not find it.

The main goal for me was to get the toys picked up so our guests could come over. The consequence of Nate not doing it himself needed to be more of an inconvenience to him than me. Me picking up his toys was just that, for these were some of his very favorite possessions. And now they were all gone.

Nate of course wanted them back and promised he'd put them all away "right now". I of course said, "No" because he didn't listen to me when I asked him to do it the first time. And since I had to pick up all of the toys, they were now mine.

"Where are they?" he cried.

"Sorry, bud," I calmly replied. "I put them in a bag and I'll decide what to do with them. They're mine now so don't worry about it." By staying calm and matter-of-fact, Nate got the message right away that there was nothing he could do to change the situation.

Fast forward to the next day. I needed help getting ready for dinner. I asked Nate to help clean off the table for me, putting some of the dishes that were left behind into the sink (some not even his), and then to wipe down the table so we could eat at it. He did it right away without even complaining. When he was finished I said, "Nate, thank you so much for your help and for doing it right away. That was great! I'd like to thank you by letting you pick something out of the bag I collected yesterday."

Nate's eye's lit up as he carefully picked out one item from the bag (his coin counter. Good choice). He was so excited to be able to rescue one of his possessions. And he felt good that he got it unexpectedly for being a good listener.

In the days that have followed, I have looked for opportunities when he's being a good listener to "thank him" by letting him pick out another item from the bag. I don't bribe him with the bag first by saying something like "if you do this you can get something from the bag" because I don't want him listening just so he can get something. Rather, I want him to listen whether he gets something for it or not. He never knows when I'm going to offer a chance to pick an item from the bag.

This has been a great consequence as it has accomplished two things. First, it allows me to regularly reinforce in a positive way the listening skills that I want Nate to improve on. Secondly, he has been much quicker to pick up his things the first time I ask. =)

Let Me Hold You Longer

It has been three weeks since my last post. Laying beside me, sound asleep (finally), is my new sweet baby girl, Samantha Caroline.

When she was born, she was 8 pounds 5.7 ounces and 20.5 inches. Definitely a good-sized baby but still so tiny.

Samantha Caroline Wood born June 17th 5:06pm

I held her and touched her and explored her little features and smelled her and loved her. So tiny. So sweet. So new.

And then my two older children came into the room to see me and meet their new little sister. Let me rephrase that. GIANTS came into my room to see me and their new sister. Oh my gosh! My 4 1/2 and 6 1/2-year olds were so huge! It took my breath away. It sounds weird to say, but I almost didn't recognize them. It was hard to get my mind around the fact that these were my babies, too. Only, they weren't babies anymore. They were big kids even though both of them started out tiny like Samantha was now. What happened? When did they get so big?

Tomorrow, June 8th Samantha will be three weeks old. When I hold her, I can't believe how big she has already gotten. She weighs almost two pounds more than she did when she was born and is almost three inches longer. And I want her to stop.

I think the thing that most first-time moms are told the most through their pregnancy and first year of parenthood is, "It goes by so fast. Enjoy it while you can." I'm sure most first-time moms are like I was. The months of interrupted sleep seemed to never end. Time did not seem to go by fast as I just tried to get through one day after another. In the midst of my exhaustion and frustrations and just plain operating in new-mom survival mode, hearing "it goes by so fast" came in one ear and out the other...until I walked my daughter up to her classroom on her first day of kindergarten.

When my son was born, I had him and a two-year-old. While I wasn't as stressed about how to parent him as I was with my first, I now was always on the go. My son came along for the ride as I shuttled my daughter to preschool, playgroups, and my work-related appointments. Regretfully, once again, I was just mostly getting through each day. This fall, my son will be attending school full-time five days a week. He's so big. Where did the time go?

And so, as I hold Samantha, I tell her to "stop it!" Stop growing so fast. I'll take the exhaustion, and the sleepless nights, and the wanting to nurse every two hours during the day, and the gazillion poopy diapers to just hang on a little longer to this infancy stage. Because it's gone so fast. I already see it slipping away. And I'll never experience this stage again as a mother (99% sure of that).

I do look forward to each new stage my children will go through. I can't wait until Samantha is old enough to talk so I can get to know her in a deeper way and begin to see who she really is going to be as a person. It will be fun to see Nate develop new friendships and grow academically and emotionally next year and see what new qualities this brings out in him. And I'm enjoying watching Isabella emerge into a full-blown school-aged girl that includes deeper conversations and being able to participate in more "grown-up" activities with me.

But, I also want to try to live in the moment more with my children and enjoy where they're at. Because while every stage will come with it's own set of challenges that I won't miss saying good-bye to, each one also has very special and unique qualities that I will miss once my kids grow out of them.

Karen Kingsbury wrote a great children's book that every parent should read. She begins her book "Let Me Hold You Longer" like this:

Long ago you came to me,
a miracle of firsts:
First smiles and teeth and baby steps,
a sunbeam on the burst.
But one day you will move away
and leave to me your past,
And I will be left thinking of a lifetime of your lasts...

Whether you're a first-time parent or a veteran, will you join me in an effort to more intentionally focus on and appreciate the stages that our children are in now? You can start by commenting below on what you love about the stage your child(ren) are in now.