"No" At Christmas

Can you relate to this scene?

Walking through the mall, doing some last minute Christmas shopping with Nate, we passed a woman who was doing balloon animals. Admittedly, they were pretty amazing creations. And there were a lot of parents purchasing one for their child in exchange for a donation to the charity she was supporting.

Nate really wanted one. I said, “No.” He did not like that answer.

The whining began. “Mom, I reaaallly want one! You never let me get one of those! And I want one today!”

To which I responded, “I hear ya, Bud. But not today,” and continued to walk away.

Nate’s face transformed. Brows furrowed. Lips pouty. Eyes glaring. He stuck his foot in front of the stroller to stop it and firmly repeated, “I want a balloon!” It actually surprised me a bit, my five-year-old acting like he was two. Normally Nate doesn’t behave like this. Apparently, he was in a mood to test the boundaries this day.

I know I’m not alone in this type of experience with my kids. I see similar scenarios all the time between other parents and their kids. What they choose to do next dictates what lies ahead. For some, the argument continues and escalates as parent and child engage in a power struggle that includes more crying, yelling, embarrassment, maybe even physical interactions. For others, in effort to avoid the power struggle, the parent gives in, even though they may try to make themselves feel like this isn’t the case by stating something like, “If you don’t calm down you’re not getting anything” or “If I get you the balloon then you can’t have ‘X’ later. Is that OK with you?” The child learns that they are ultimately the one in control and can just throw a temper tantrum (or threaten to have one) to get what they want. Parent is left frustrated. Child is left with a feeling of entitlement. The relationship between the two is damaged. And the scenario will happen again.

That doesn’t work for me. I get that Nate is five and doesn’t understand why sometimes I say no to things he wants. I get that he thinks the balloon animals are cool and really does want one. However, he needs to learn that he can’t always get what he wants. And he definitely needs to know that this kind of behavior is not going to get him success.

So, I immediately stopped in my tracks, grabbed his arm and pulled him to me. I squatted down to his level and talked so only he could hear me, but firmly because I wanted him to know that I was serious.

“Nate, I know you want a balloon. But today we are not getting one. Instead, I am choosing to spend my money on other Christmas gifts for you. I love you very much. And I want to get you nice things that I know you will enjoy. When I’m not treated with respect, it doesn’t make me very excited to buy any gifts. Remember that Mommy and Daddy take good care of you. And you will be getting a lot of wonderful gifts in just a few days from lots of people who love you. You do not need a balloon animal today and my answer is, “No”. Do you understand?” Nate nodded his head.

I continued, “Now I need an apology from you for the way you were acting because that is not OK.” Nate apologized.

“OK, Bud. Thank you for saying,’sorry.’” I gave him a hug and told him I loved him. Then we got up to go catch up with Dad and Isabella.

This worked quickly and effectively because this is a common interaction between me and my kids. They know that I understand where they’re coming from. They know that I usually will give them a reason behind my ”no” so it doesn’t just feel arbitrary to them. But my kids also know that I am consistent with my “no.” They know that if they push beyond the final “no” I will also be consistent with a consequence like “time out”, even if we’re in the middle of a busy mall.

Kids wanting and asking is inevitable, especially at Christmastime when there are so many exciting things potentially available to them. But that does not mean the power struggles are inevitable, or the meltdowns, or the frustrations, or the empty wallet. It is OK to say no in a firm but loving way and still have a Merry Christmas!

Don’t forget your consistency this Christmas. And don’t forget to enjoy this special time with your children!

Pick Up Your Toys or I Will

I didn't have time to argue. The baby had been crying and I was just sitting down to nurse her. We had friends coming over in about 30 minutes. Nate's toys, that were strewn all over the floor and stairs, needed to be picked up.

I asked him once to please pick up his things. He immediately developed some rare condition that causes his legs not to work and he complained that he couldn't walk. Going through the effort of a time out was not an option at this point.

So I told Nate that he had until I was done nursing Samantha to pick up all of his things. Anything that wasn't picked up by the time I was finished was going to go into a bag. Nate chose to cry the entire time while I nursed instead of picking anything up.

So, when I was done, I went to the kitchen and got a big plastic Target bag. I dramatically shook it open for Nate to hear (which made him wail all the more) and quickly swept through the room picking up everything I saw and placing it in the bag. In went about 20 toy cars, his favorite Mac truck, his brand new coin sorter that held over $7 of saved coins, some Star Wars figures and ships, and a pair of shoes. It took me about three minutes to collect it all and store the bag in a place I knew Nate would not find it.

The main goal for me was to get the toys picked up so our guests could come over. The consequence of Nate not doing it himself needed to be more of an inconvenience to him than me. Me picking up his toys was just that, for these were some of his very favorite possessions. And now they were all gone.

Nate of course wanted them back and promised he'd put them all away "right now". I of course said, "No" because he didn't listen to me when I asked him to do it the first time. And since I had to pick up all of the toys, they were now mine.

"Where are they?" he cried.

"Sorry, bud," I calmly replied. "I put them in a bag and I'll decide what to do with them. They're mine now so don't worry about it." By staying calm and matter-of-fact, Nate got the message right away that there was nothing he could do to change the situation.

Fast forward to the next day. I needed help getting ready for dinner. I asked Nate to help clean off the table for me, putting some of the dishes that were left behind into the sink (some not even his), and then to wipe down the table so we could eat at it. He did it right away without even complaining. When he was finished I said, "Nate, thank you so much for your help and for doing it right away. That was great! I'd like to thank you by letting you pick something out of the bag I collected yesterday."

Nate's eye's lit up as he carefully picked out one item from the bag (his coin counter. Good choice). He was so excited to be able to rescue one of his possessions. And he felt good that he got it unexpectedly for being a good listener.

In the days that have followed, I have looked for opportunities when he's being a good listener to "thank him" by letting him pick out another item from the bag. I don't bribe him with the bag first by saying something like "if you do this you can get something from the bag" because I don't want him listening just so he can get something. Rather, I want him to listen whether he gets something for it or not. He never knows when I'm going to offer a chance to pick an item from the bag.

This has been a great consequence as it has accomplished two things. First, it allows me to regularly reinforce in a positive way the listening skills that I want Nate to improve on. Secondly, he has been much quicker to pick up his things the first time I ask. =)

Consistency is a Parent's Responsibility

All of these are true stories recently witnessed:

Scene 1: A mom is with her two-and-a-half-year-old getting ready to have some ice-cream. The little girl, full of energy, does not want to stay seated. The mom however is requiring that her little one sit properly at the table in order to get the ice-cream. "If you want the ice cream you need to sit down first, " mom says. The toddler briefly sits then pops back up on her feet. "No," says mom, "you have to sit down if you want the ice-cream." This time mom picks up her daughter and sits her down. Then she places the ice-cream in front of her. Within seconds, the little girl is back to standing on her chair, eating ice-cream not sitting down. This time mom says a little firmer, "If you don't sit down I'm going to take the ice-cream away." The little girl sits. Maybe two minutes pass. The two-year-old is back on her feet. Mom is now angry. "Sit down!" mom snarls as she pushes her little girl back onto her bottom. "I'm serious. I will take your ice-cream away if you get up again."

Scene 2: A girl of about eight-years-old is walking out of the Home Depot with her family. Dad and brother are slightly ahead. One gets the impression that it has not been the most pleasant of family experiences to the store as dad is quiet and walking briskly to the car while an exasperated mom is holding on tightly to her daughter's arm and quietly scolding her. The daughter has a smile on her face, almost a look of triumph. Somehow she releases herself from her mother's grip and begins to skip off. But in her thrill of escaping mom, she forgets to watch where she's going and almost runs into a group of people walking into the store. Mom, absolutely furious, growls at her, "How many times do I have to tell you to cut it out?" Mom grabs the daughter's arm again but within seconds the girl has wriggled free and is now giggling as she runs to catch up with her dad.

Scene 3: A dad is picking up his kids from school. There is maybe 3 years difference between the two boys. The two brothers begin almost immediately picking on one another, pushing and hitting. While the two occasionally seem to be having fun, it's clear that the goal is to hurt the other. Dad, almost looking embarrassed at the display his boys are doing in front of the other parents and kids tells them to stop. They boys act as if they didn't even hear him. Dad tries again, "Come on you guys. That's enough." The boys pause, but within seconds are still fighting to see who can get the last hit in. Again, dad tries to intervene, this time raising his voice a bit. "Boys. Cut it out. I mean it!" The boys stop. The youngest one hides behind dad. The older one waits a moment for dad to turn his attention back to his Blackberry at which point he picks up a rock and throws it at his little brother. The rock hits his brother in the arm who then immediately wails out in pain. Now furious, dad grabs his older son and yells, "What is wrong with you? I told you to cut it out! Now apologize to your brother right now!" Older brother, with every bit of sarcasm in his voice says, "Sorry". As the family leaves, the two boys are seen trying to sneak small hits and jabs at each other all the way back to the car.

Three different stories. Three different ages of children involved. Yet all three have the same thing in common. Consistency. Did any of these children really believe what their parents were telling them? Did the toddler believe that her mom would really take the ice-cream away? Did the girl think there was any reason to listen to her mom? Did the boys really believe there would be any consequence if they didn't stop fighting? And do they think that it's really all that important to their dad that they don't hit each other? The answer to all of these is "NO". In fact, the kids in all the situations are probably thinking, "Why should I not do what I want to do? You're not going to do anything about it except talk at me. And I can handle that if it means I can still do what I want."

When I find myself getting more and more frustrated with my kids because they're not doing what I asked them to do, it's almost always a sign to me that I am doing a bad job parenting. It's MY fault they aren't listening to me. If I've gotten frustrated and mad at my kids, it's often MY fault that I have let the behavior go on so long. If my kids don't believe I'm serious they're not going to do what I said. Just assuming kids should listen to us because we're the parents is a sure path to parenting misery. Kids don't work that way. Even ADULTS don't work that way.
It's just like the country road that says "55mph." Almost everyone goes way over that speed limit when they're on that road because they know that there are never any cops on it. They know they will get away with driving fast on it every time. But as soon as that road starts getting patrolled, and cars start getting pulled over for speeding, everyone makes sure that they're gong as close to 55mph as possible. Because now they know "they mean it" when the sign says to drive 55mph.

With our kids, we need to be consistent in what we expect from them and follow through immediately with what we say we're going to do. If we want them to stop, we need to make sure they stop the first time we've asked them. If they don't get ice-cream unless they're sitting, then we take away the ice-cream the second they stand up again. If we think leaving a store for bad behavior is a consequence we're willing to threaten with but won't ever really do, then it's up to us to think of a different consequence. Because kids will pick up really quickly on the fact that we don't REALLY mean what we say. But they will also pick up just as quickly that we do.

I want my kids to know without any doubt that when I say it's time to stop, they know I'm serious. When I say a certain consequence will happen if they don't make a different choice, I want my kids to know that I mean it. Every time.

It's my responsibilty to make sure my kids learn this by staying consistent with what I say and do.

In the comment space below, share an example with us of a time you showed your consistency with your kids. Your comments help encourage us all.