Where Have I Been - Big Changes Coming

Sorry to be MIA for a while. Life is changing very fast in the Wood household and I'm barely keeping up. Here is the letter I've been sharing letting people know what's going on. Hang in there with me. I'll be back and posting regularly again soon!!!!

Dear friends,

It is with mixed emotions that I share some important news that affects my family and the future of Xylem.

About four weeks ago, my husband Asa was offered a position in Ohio. Three weeks ago, his company flew our family out to the Cleveland area to get a feel for the area and determine whether or not we would be willing to take the position. Two weeks ago my husband officially signed the contract for his new job. It is all moving very quickly, and we will be moving to Cleveland next week so that he can start August 1.

This is an incredible opportunity for Asa for a variety of reasons and it was hard to pass it up. However, it is with very heavy hearts that we are leaving everything we know here in Colorado including family, friends, our church community, and familiarity. But we are also excited to see what God has in store for us in Ohio.

With the support of the Xylem board we have decided to bring Xylem with us. This is actually a fairly simple process, in some ways easier than shutting the organization completely down. We will be donating a large portion of the Xylem assets to a ministry here in Denver and bringing the rest with us. The plan is to still be assessable to the many families we’ve worked with here in Colorado through Facebook, my blog and phone and e-mail consults. Some of the families that have benefited from Xylem in other states, and even in other countries (England, Australia and Germany), should not be affected and can continue to benefit from the support Xylem offers.

Tim and Nina Sloan, who are current board members, have been great this past year and will help make sure the transition is smooth. They have provided amazing leadership this past year and have been supportive in making the decision to transfer Xylem to Ohio. I am so grateful to have had them this past year and especially now during this time of transition.

You can read the formal announcement regarding the moving of Xylem from our board president, Tim on the Xylem Family Resource Facebook page. This provides further answers to questions regarding how this decision was made and what it means for the future of Xylem.

Once in Ohio, I hope to do some speaking at MOPS groups and local churches in the Cleveland area within the next year, but will begin by primarily putting my focus on the social networking sites, my blog other writing opportunities that have presented themselves this year and working with families via phone and e-mail. Xylem has developed a wonderful reputation the past six years and has gained a lot of credibility within the church community. Through talking to many individuals, including those in Ohio, it was determined that keeping Xylem and its nonprofit status would be an asset in opening new opportunities in Ohio so that Xylem can continue the work of restoring the sacredness of family.

I have been truly blessed by my community in Denver and cannot even begin to express my sadness in having to say good-bye to the place I’ve called home for most of my life. However, Colorado cannot get rid of me that easily. We have family in Colorado, close friends, not to mention that Asa’s company is located here, so we will be back often to visit.

If you haven’t already, please become a fan of Xylem on Facebook and follow me on my blog www.parentingwhatipreach.blogspot.com to stay in touch on the adventures of Xylem. And of course I will remain a regular presence on my personal Facebook page.

Please keep my family in your prayers as we begin this new adventure. You will most definitely remain in ours.

Blessings!
Tara

The Importance of Dads - A letter to fathers

Dear Dads,

You are so important in your child's life!

I am sad that there is a belief out there that you are only good for working hard and "providing" for your family. I'm sad that you may have been lead to believe that you could never be as good at parenting your children as their mother and certainly not as nurturing. I'm sad that many women believe this. Because it flat out isn't true.

Research proves that you are so important. Kids who have dads that are hands-on involved in their lives have higher self-esteem, do better in school, and are socially more adjusted than kids whose fathers leave the majority of the child care to the mom. This is because you bring to the table qualities that most women don't. Not because you're better but because you're different, and kids need what you both have to offer.

A girl's sense of beauty and self-worth is largely influenced by you. When you are involved in your daughter's life, letting her know that she is precious and beautiful in your eyes, she is more likely to be confident in who she is and less likely to go seeking love and fulfillment in other ways and from other people. She learns what type of man to marry someday. She learns how men should treat her. What a great gift you can give to her!

Your son will learn from you what it means to be a man in this world. He'll learn how to treat women. He'll learn how to treat other people. He'll learn how to be a dad. Little boys want to be just like their dads. You have so much to teach them and an opportunity like none other to make a difference in this little life, and I believe that difference makes a difference in this world.

Moms need dads. It is difficult to raise children on your own. Some moms falsely believe that only they know best. Some even send the message that dads could never care for their kids as well as they can. But when dads work as a team with mom, family magic happens.

As a mom whose husband is deeply involved in my kids' life, I can't tell you how much deeper in love I am with him because of the great relationship he has with my kids. I can't begin to tell you how much it means to me to know that I have a partner in raising my kids. And I know that my kids are as great as they are because they get from my husband qualities and knowledge that I can't give to them. I feel so blessed to have an amazing husband who is an amazing dad!

Maybe you didn't have a great dad when you were a kid. Maybe you don't know what it looks like to be an involved, caring, nurturing parent. Maybe you only know how to be the "bad guy" or how to only be the "playmate". Most likely this is because that is what you were taught. It's not because that's how it has to be. You can learn to be so much more and it's so worth it!

But maybe you are one of those dads that is involved. You do parent your kids with love and grace and patience. You work as a united front with your child's mother. You take your responsibility as a dad to heart and see it as one of the most important jobs of your life. I want you to know that you are valued! Thank you for being the example to other fathers for what is possible. My hope is that what you contribute to your family doesn't get taken for granted and that you enjoy the thrill of raising your kids. Children bring so much joy to our lives!

Perhaps you've heard this all before. I'm sorry if this is the first time. Either way, you need to hear this. And you need to hear it again and again and again.

Blessings to you, Dads.

Tara

Sometimes I Don't Want to Be a Mom

Sometimes I don't want to be a mom.

There. I said it.

Sometimes I just get tired of always being "on call," no days off, no sick days.

My days are filled with caring for a baby who has a lot of energy and has discovered she can get to just about any place in the house...really really fast. I can't take my eyes off her.

My afternoons are spent shuttling kids to lessons or helping them with homework.

Evenings are about making sure every one has been fed, and bathed, and gotten ready for bed.

At 8:30, all three of my kids go to bed. My husband and I dwell in the brief moment of silence, soaking in as much of it as we can. We know it will be short-lived. Because our 10-month-old will wake up between 10:30 and 11:00 for another feeding. Then she will probably wake up around 2:30 or 3:00 again needing help to go back to sleep. Sometimes we're lucky and she won't wake up again until 7:00. Sometimes we're not and she'll wake up one more time.

My oldest daughter sleepwalks.

Morning comes and I drag my sleep-deprived body out of bed motivated by the fact that the baby is on my bed, wide awake and excitedly crawling toward the cat at the end of the bed. Yes, this is almost an every morning occurrence. I don't know what motivates me more, fear that she's going to crawl off the edge of the bed or fear that she's going to pull out a huge chunk of my cat's hair, getting bit in the process. I can't remember the last time I woke up on my own, well-rested.

My son is like me. He hates getting up and likes to move slow in the morning. Not a great quality to have when you don't have a lot of time to get ready and leave the house on time. Almost every morning has something that challenges us from getting to school before the bell rings.

Every day is pretty much the same routine.

Weekends come. They should be a time for rest. Usually they aren't. With all five of us now home the energy level in the house skyrockets. It's our opportunity to get the house back in order after the busy week. The kids don't hide their disapproval of this.

My son likes to be really loud. He thinks it's funny. The baby likes to copy his loud noises. All
three kids think this is funny. Dad and I don't.

The kids argue. Sometimes with each other. Sometimes with me.

And sometimes...well...I just don't want to be a mom.

I collapse on the couch. I pretend there are no kids around me. I do the math in my head. How many years left do I have of this?

Then, my oldest daughter sees me and snuggles up beside me. "You're the best mom, ever, " she says and snuggles in deeper.

As I put my arm around her, I notice movement on the floor. The baby is crawling toward me at warp speed. A huge smile is lighting up her face. She reaches the couch, pulls herself up and tries to pull herself up onto the couch to join us.

"Hi goofball, " I say. "You want up, too?" I swing her up and now I have my two girls beside me.

A moment later, the front door opens and in bursts my son. "Mom! Mom!" he says. "I have something for you!" He rushes over to the couch and opens his hand. Inside is a sparkly rock. "I found this rock and wanted to give it to you," he explains.

He crawls up on the couch so that I can have a closer look.

I smile. My three beautiful children are near. And I love each of them so very much.

The best part of being a mom is moments like these. Moments when my kids remind me of the bigger picture. When they take me out of my selfish pity party and point out how full my life is with these little lives in mine. I'm humbled by how much they love me and feel ashamed at how quickly I forgot.

Sometimes being a mom is tiring, and overwhelming, and hard. But I wouldn't change being one for the world!

Instead, I think I'll set up an appointment for a massage.

You Break It,You Pay For It

Nate and Isabella were having a lot of fun wrestling yesterday. I love how they love each other. They are such great friends. But last night their “fun” was getting a little close to the bookshelf and floor lamp. I stopped them twice to remind them to be careful and aware of where they were.

“We’re being careful, Mom!” they sang.

Moments later, there was a crash. Isabella had plunged into the floor lamp and grabbed onto the lampshade to try to catch herself. Instead, her weight and momentum just ripped the lampshade off its stand leaving a small piece dangling from the wire frame and exposing the brightly burning bulb.

My two kids froze. They stared at me waiting to hear what I was going to say. They knew they were in trouble.

Yelling at them would not fix my broken lampshade. Neither would sending them both to time out or taking away desert. We now needed a new lampshade, and my kids are always in need of opportunities to learn logical consequences.

“Bummer, you guys,” I said. “You’re both going to have to buy a new lampshade for that lamp.” They both looked at me dumbfounded. I don’t think they expected that. I explained to them that the shade would cost anywhere between $15 and $20 which meant that they would each need to come up with about $10.

Isabella broke into a wail. “I don’t haaaaaavvvvveeee $10!” The tears flowed along with, “Mom, it was just an accident! It was not on purpose!”

I let them know that I knew it was an accident. I reminded them that I was worried an accident might happen which is why I cautioned them to watch what they were doing. They weren’t in trouble. But we did need our lampshade back.

I reminded them of the time I was in a car accident. Though it was an accident, it was also my fault because I wasn’t watching what I was doing. I had to pay to get my car fixed and the other person’s car fixed. Even if it’s an accident, we still need to fix our mistakes.
“But I have no money!” Isabella continued.

I gave them some ideas. They could use the money they had in their coin banks. They could do some chores that Daddy and I would pay them for. Or they could sell some of their toys (I would help them post them on Craig’s List).

True to Nate’s character, he accepted his consequences and immediately trotted upstairs to find toys to sell.

Isabella stayed to argue some more.

“Isabella, look at me,” I said. “I know you’re disappointed. I know you wish it hadn’t happened. But look at my face. I am not going to change my mind. You will need to figure out how to pay for the lampshade by this weekend.”

It was over. Isabella stopped arguing.

Nate is almost five and Isabella is only seven, so I will help them along the way in getting their money. If they choose chores, I will pay them generously for the things I ask them to do. If they sell toys, I will help them gather toys that will get them at least $10. I will help them count the coins in their coin jar. But I won’t let them off the hook.

I am thankful that they get opportunities to learn lessons of responsibility like this. And this logical consequence will have a bigger impact on their future behavior than anything else I could have done.

Plus, I get a new lamp shade.

Homework Strategies Part 2

So you got your homework bin all set up, right? If not, read the previous post.

Here are some more tips that I do with my kids to make getting their homework done less of a battle each night.

First, it is not a requirement that they get their homework done as soon as they get home before they can do anything else. Yes, I know. That's a common rule among parents. Get it done and over with, right? But I know how I feel after a long day at work. The last thing I want to do when I get home is go right back to work-related tasks. School is like a day at work for kids. Just like me, kids need some decompression time. So, I give them about 30 - 45 minutes of play and snack time before getting them going on homework.

Once the "chill out" time is done, all homework and piano practice need to be completed before the TV comes back on or playtime starts again. On days when there are extra-curricular activities the same rule still applies. My kids are learning that the activities they've chosen may cause nighttime playtime to be limited. I say they're learning this because they still try protesting sometimes when a late soccer practice leads to late dinner which leads to getting homework completed right when it's time to start getting ready for bed meaning no TV or playtime that night. On days like this, my kids can always choose to shorten their down time after school and get going on their homework right away to allow for more playtime later. This is always a choice for them. I never require it except for the rare situation when I know there will not be time to do homework later if they don't get started right away.

When it's time to get going on homework, we pull out the homework bin, their assignments and we all get to work. That's right. I stay involved and do their homework with them. That's probably the biggest factor in our success. I don't do the work for them. I ask questions and have them "teach" me what they are supposed to do. And sometimes I have them do several problems or pieces of their work by themselves and then I check it over. But I view homework time as family time. I stay in the room with them (and my husband, too when he's here), helping them along until homework is completed.

I work with many parents who want their kids to get going on homework on their own so they can get back to doing whatever they were doing or disappear into the kitchen to make dinner. Many parents complain that the battles with their kids are usually over getting their kids to "go do" their homework and are frustrated that every time they walk back into the room, their kids aren't doing their work, are messing around, or playing. Parents are frustrated with the attention getting behaviors such as the melt downs, the "I can't do this", and the sibling battles, all behaviors designed to get you back into the room. By staying in the room and involved to begin with, many if not all of these behaviors get eliminated.

Here's why I encourage parents to do this even with their Jr. High and High School students. First, once school starts, the amount of time we get to see and interact with our kids greatly decreases. During the week, I see my kids about five hours total each day, and that's on the days that they don't have piano, soccer practice or swimming. And whether our kids admit it to us or not, they miss us during the day, too. Children desire attention from their parents. Yes, even those older kiddos. Since homework is inevitable and unavoidable, I first view homework as an opportunity to spend time with my kids. Being a great parent is not always convenient from my perspective. I agree that it is a pain to juggle getting dinner together or my baby cared for while helping my two older kids with their homework. But I try to figure out the multi-tasking because it is important for me to spend time with the kids I haven't seen all day however I can.

Second, and most obviously, by staying involved in their homework I am able to stay aware of what they are doing in school and how well they are doing academically. I can be a better support to my child's learning when I know the topics they're covering and the areas they need to keep practicing.

There have been a couple times so far that my kids have not completed their homework despite all I have tried to do to set them up for success (admittedly, we are only in our second year of doing homework. I know the incidences will most likely increase over the years to come). In these cases, they get sent to school without their homework done and must explain to their teacher why this happened. Literally, they have to explain to their teacher why they didn't do their homework. I follow up with the teacher to make sure it was done and support any natural consequences that come from the teacher for not having homework turned in.

By staying consistent with our homework routine and expectations, homework time goes smoothly. While my kids often don't enjoy having to do more schoolwork at home, they do enjoy the attention and time they get from me and my husband during this time.

This topic usually brings up lots of frustrations and questions. What questions do you have? What's working and not working for you? Let me know by commenting below and let's discuss possible solutions.

Homework Success Strategy Part 1

Last week I came home with a big plastic bin full of office supplies. But these weren't just any office supplies. They consisted of green scissors and a blue tape dispenser and glittery pencils. In my bag I had all the needed supplies for a homework bin.

Putting together a homework supply bin for my kids accomplishes several things:

1. Eliminates the extra time spent looking for a pencil, paper, scissors and any other item needed to complete that day's homework assignment


2. By providing fun supplies (see my examples below) it makes doing homework a bit more enjoyable. Think about it. Don't you enjoy writing so much more with a nice pen and special paper?


3. Helps set the tone for doing homework. Getting out their special supplies is like putting on your work clothes.


4. Sends a message to your kids that their school work is important enough in your home that it's worth spending time and money to ensure that they're set up for homework success.


5. Allows you to buy some of the fun school supplies you didn't buy for school because they weren't on the supply list (when did school supply lists get so boring?).

Here's what I included in our homework bin.

• glittery #2 pencils in various colors


• electric pencil sharpener


• colored stapler for stapling falling apart packets and multi-page assignments


• glue and glue sticks


• colored scissors


• cool tape dispenser for healing all the inevitable rips and tears


• neon bend-y ruler


• floppy flexible solar-powered calculator


• drawing paper


• lined paper

Then I bought one of those clear view plastic storage drawers to put it all in. The whole thing cost me about $50. You could easily spend less depending on what you already have in stock at home and what you feel they need in their bin. We already had plenty of crayons at home, so I chose not to buy more of these. I later added the crayons from home to the bin for homework use.

If possible, don't assume you can multi-use an item. For example, just because you have a pair of scissors in the kitchen drawer doesn't mean you don't need to buy a pair of scissors for the homework bin. Remember that one of the things we're trying to accomplish is the elimination of looking around the house for supplies. You also don't want to create a potential conflict with your child when they put those scissors in their homework bin instead of back in the kitchen drawer.

Keep all homework stuff in one place, household items in another. This also means, do not try to sneak into the homework bin when you're looking for some scissors and tape to wrap a present. Again, avoid the conflict that can occur when your kids need their materials for that special project and come to find out their scissors are missing and their tape is almost gone.

While I don't have my kids begging me to race home so they can get right to their homework, they are very excited about their materials and feel very special to have their own important bin of fun supplies just for doing homework. It has made doing homework a bit more enjoyable for them. I'm sure the novelty will wear off eventually. But the many benefits of having the bin will still continue throughout the year.

Homework bins are a great way to make your family's homework experience successful. Next time I will share with you some other homework success strategies that have worked for us.

Money Well Spent

Five minutes. Not very long. But five minutes of pure joy. For five minutes your child is nothing but happy and free. The largest smile spread across their face. Giggles and other gleeful noises that you hardly ever hear in any other circumstance come out of their mouths. To top it off, their sheer joy overflows into you. For five minutes, you join in your child's happiness. You laugh like you haven't laughed in a long time, and you smile so big and for so long that your face actually hurts at the end of it. And if that wasn't enough, it's not just an experience for you and your child, but your whole family. Your spouse is beside you having the same experience, and your other children are jumping up and down with excitement, too. The experience only lasts five minutes. But it's wonderful. How much is that experience worth? How much would you pay for it?

Kids are quick to want to spend money on just about anything. One minute they just got to have that sparkly bouncy ball. Another minute they want some cheap plastic toy that you know will get played with once or twice. They totally think spending $5 to jump in a jumpy castle is totally worth it. In contrast, I am slow to spend money. I think about how much money is being spent each day. When I do go to spend money, I weigh the value of the item with the cost. I try to find good deals on good quality. Above all, I want my kids to understand the value of money and to not have a sense of entitlement.

But there it was. The trampoline and the bungee chords. Both my kids' eyes got wide and I knew what was coming. Of course it's what they sooooooo wanted to do. Next came the "please, Mom can we do it?" I knew the cost to jump a few minutes extra high on a trampoline was probably going to be ridiculous, but I said I would at least see how much tickets were. Ten dollars a ticket. $20 for both my kids to jump on a trampoline. My immediate reaction was no. It did look like a lot of fun, but I did not think that was the best use of money. My kids could tell that they were probably not going to get to do it. I could see their acceptance of this as they settled for watching other kids jump instead, imagining what it must be like.

Then my husband called the kids over. He pulled out his wallet and gave them each $20. He explained to them that when he went on family vacations as a little boy, his dad would give him and his sister $20 to spend however they want. He wanted to continue that tradition with his kids. But he warned them that when their money was gone, it was gone, so choose wisely how they spend it.

He had barely completed his speech when they both blurted out, "We want to do the trampoline!" I wanted to continue the lecture about choosing wisely how to spend your money, but my husband stopped me reminding me that it was now their money and they can spend it how they want. I'm blessed to have my husband. He's a great dad and helped me remember that letting them learn how to spend money on their own is good parenting, too.

My kids, having excitedly purchased their tickets stepped up to take their turn on the trampoline. Nate went first.

Listen carefully. Can you hear the high-pitched "WEEEE" with every jump?

Isabella went next. She's more of a daredevil than her brother and wanted to make the most of her experience. You see her here trying out flipping. What you don't see is her later being a goofball and trying out different poses each time she flew into the sky. She had all of us laughing hysterically.

But if you can, watch the videos again and listen to my husband and me. We're having a blast, too. In fact, when we were reflecting on our favorite thing we did all weekend, we both picked watching the kids on the trampoline. Who knew?

I learned a valuable lesson this weekend. I learned to not be so quick to dismiss a potential opportunity for my kids to experience something fun. I'm not saying that I should instead let my kids do every fun thing that catches their eye. And I'm not saying that I always have to spend money to allow my kids to experience joy. But I realized that sometimes it is worth the money to allow my kids to experience something exciting and new. When I spend most of my time trying to watch how our money gets spent, it's easy to forget this.

I have to admit that we were so excited when the next day, both kids wanted to spend their last $10 to jump again. Because I was wrong. The $10 per ticket to jump extra high on a trampoline was a good use of money. In reality, it was a great deal. Each ticket provided an amazing super-fun experience that will remain a great family memory for 4 people (and a baby. Samantha got a kick out of all the excitement, too).

$40 was spent in all to jump on a trampoline. But it was definitely $40 well spent.

Isabella, day 2

Barefoot and Mismatched Socks

My kids have been in school now for two weeks. The first week of school came with a bit of grace from me. I remember as a kid the adjustment from lazy summer morning "routine" to up-and-at-'em-no-messing-around school morning routine. So, I offered more reminders than usual about how much time they had before we were leaving and let them run back into the house to grab their backpack after we had all already piled into the van to leave. For the first week I gave instruction on how to manage their time more effectively in the future. We had discussions on the way to school over what was slowing us down in the morning and what we could do to solve that. I offered extra help in the effort to get them back into a school-morning rhythm.

Overall, in two weeks my kids have done a great job getting back into a morning routine. Each morning I come downstairs around 8:00 to my kids on the couch watching their morning PBS programs and set them into motion with getting dressed, eating breakfast and gathering all their stuff for school. We've been able to leave by 8:40 almost every day with 8:45 being the latest. Getting two kids and a baby out the door in 40 minutes is something I'm very proud of. =)

I'd like to say that in addition to not being late for school (yet), our journey to school is relaxed and full of joy. We have had some of those journeys, even within the past two weeks. But most mornings we enter into the school drive with frustrations lingering. The biggest culprit has been shoes and socks.

Such simple things, shoes. Mine are always kept by the front door. I take them off and leave them there first thing when I walk into the house so they're there to put on as I get ready to leave.

Socks. I have a drawer just for those warm little feet huggers. Several pairs reside in those drawers so that I always have a pair to pull out in time of need.

It seems so simple. So easy. Which is why it drive me CRAZY that almost every morning there is this frantic dash around the house looking for clean socks and finding the partner to a lonely shoe.

I've taught the kids my system. Apparently they don't like it because they don't use it.

I've given them a "heads up" for how much time they have before we leave so if they need socks and shoes they'd have plenty of time to solve that problem before we head out the door. Apparently they think I'm just stating the time for my benefit and that somehow some household magic (that hasn't existed any other day at our house by the way) will magically place two clean socks and matched shoes on their feet as we walk out the door.

So, yesterday I told them that tomorrow I was not going to wait around for shoes and socks to be found. At 8:40 everyone was getting in the van for school whether they had the right clothing on their feet or not.

Today, at 8:30 I told the kids we were leaving in 10 minutes and to make sure they had all their stuff and their shoes and socks on. At 8:39, I put the baby in her car seat, turned off the TV, grabbed my keys and announced, "Everyone in the car! Time to go!" My two kids went scrambling for their shoes. Isabella couldn't find socks. Nate actually had his shoes and socks sitting beside him but he didn't have them on. I pulled out my "bummer" phrase to them and told them "It's not my problem. Get in the car." And I walked out of the house to the van.

Isabella grab the first two socks she could find (dirty and mismatched). Nate walked out barefoot with his shoes and socks in his hand.

You'd think the story ends here. Except Nate, in his ultimate wisdom, chose not to put his shoes and socks on in the car. Don't ask. I have no idea what his little brain was thinking. As we pulled up to school and got ready to get out, Nate began whining that he didn't have his shoes on yet.
"Bummer," I said. "Your bell's about to ring and you need to get inside. You're going to have to go in barefoot. Hopefully your teacher will let you put your shoes on in the classroom." Nate did not like that at all, complaining that his feet hurt and the grass was wet the whole way into the building. The best part of this story was that his teacher, after hearing from me why her cute blond-headed student didn't have his shoes on, picked right up where I left off and sat him in the back of the classroom to put his shoes on before he could sit down in circle time.

I love allowing my kids to learn through natural consequences especially when I have taught them ahead of time how to avoid the consequence. We can't make our kids do anything. And sometimes we have to allow them the opportunity to choose to learn a life lesson the natural way instead of our way. I've found that sometimes this is the most effective teacher.

So, hopefully tomorrow when I say, "We're leaving in 10 minutes, get your shoes and socks on," my children will take me a little more seriously. Because at 8:40, we're getting in the car whether they're ready or not. And maybe, just maybe, they will have two clean socks and a pair of shoes on their feet.

Ending the Arguing

Kids argue with us because they believe that as long as they keep our attention on the issue they have a chance to win. Obviously, if we ever give into our kids once they've started arguing with us, because they've worn us down or even because we've change our mind, we've only confirmed for them that arguing works, at least sometimes. If it works sometimes, then EVERYTIME they will give it a shot that THIS will be one of those "sometimes".

If you're like me, you probably HATE it when your kids start to argue with you when you've given your answer on an issue. So here's what I do to avoid the arguing:

When I see my kids are about to start arguing an issue I immediately look them strait in the eye and very calmly but firmly say, "I've given you my answer. I am not going to change my mind." This lets them know that it's not worth continuing with the discussion. Usually, this ends it (to their dismay) because I also try to be very consistent. They know that once I say this their chances are over. I love that "I'm not going to change my mind" phrase. It let's them know right away that it's not worth continuing on.

However, there are times when they test me, as children are designed to do. If they try to argue once I've told them I'm not changing my mind, then I offer them their choice.

"Now you are arguing. You can stop right now or you can take a time out for arguing. What's your choice?"

And then it's important to immediately follow through. A protest or continuing to argue means they've made their choice to take the time out. Not allowing an argument to go a sentence past "I'm not going to change my mind" and then consistently following through has stopped many potential arguing episodes with my kids.

But I have been teaching my kids something else. Sometimes they do have a good point and I have jumped to my final answer too quickly. If my children calmly come back talking like a "big boy" or "big girl" and present their case for my reconsideration, I will listen to them. Sometimes, they present good arguments and I will change my mind. Sometimes I will thank them for politely talking to me and that I'm very proud of them for doing so, but my answer is still "no". And sometimes we negotiate. I am OK with teaching them that sometimes they can get me to change my mind if they actually TALK to me. In my opinion, this is a good life skill to teach them. How many times in our adult lives do we need to change some one's mind? But we're more likely to be successful if we talk to the person rather than argue with them, right?

Try using the "I'm not going to change my mind" line, or your variation ("I've given you my final answer", "I've heard you, and my answer is 'no," etc.) with your kids and stick with it. Then, let me know how it works for you!

A Healing Touch

A long exhausting day with my baby. Samantha wants to be held more than my other two children ever did. I'm lucky if she'll let me put her down for more than 10 minutes. I've tried putting her in a sling so that she can feel held and I can still get things done. Sometimes she gives into me and puts up with the sling, but usually she protests.

Samantha cries a lot, too. Some of it is because she's still weeks old and it's completely normal for her to cry as much as she does. Some of it is because her tummy hurts as she seems to be suffering from acid reflux like her older sister did. Some of it is just her personality and she just likes to let you know when she doesn't like something. But whatever the reason, it wears me out physically and emotionally.

Until, around 9:00 at night, she settles down as her body prepares for her night of sleep. She becomes quiet and still. Her body gets heavy. There's a gentleness that comes over her. She even seems to smell sweeter. My husband offers to take her from me to give me a break. But I refuse. There is something healing in this moment. As I hold her against my chest and rest my check on the top of her little head I feel myself falling in love with her all over again. I hold her tighter soaking in every moment with her. All the stress and tiredness from the day melt away. I sense that they melt away for Samantha, too. We rest. We forgive. We enjoy being together. Mother and baby are bonded.

A story like this probably doesn't come as much of a surprise to you, especially if you're a mom. Even before our babies were born we see adds and read articles all emphasizing the importance of touch in creating bonds with your baby. But let me share a different story with you.

It has been a long exhausting day. Nate has had two time outs and one long temper tantrum in his room. I feel like I have been nagging him all day to clean up his messes, to stop picking on his older sister, to listen, to talk to me in a different way, to stop whining. It's 6:00 in the evening and I've just had another confrontation with him. I see his little face look defeated. He's on the verge of tears as he realizes he once again has not lived up to his mother's expectations. But this time I pause. I sense there is a division between the two of us that keeps getting bigger. My mother's heart wants to reach out to my son.

This time I do hand Samantha over to my husband. And instead of dealing out a consequence, I tell Nate to come to me. I lift up all 45 pounds of my big boy and hold him. Not just a hug, but hold him against my chest. I place my cheek on the top of his head and soak in the feeling of my little boy wrapped around me. Gradually, I feel the stress and tiredness of my day with Nate melt away. I feel Nate's body relax, too. I rub his back and stroke his hair and I whisper, "I love you, Bud," into his ear. We rest. We forgive. I fall in love with my little boy all over again. A healing moment. Mother and baby are bonded.

I am convinced that the healing and bonding power of touch does not end with our children once they stop being babies. Try it with your own children...even your older ones...and see if I'm right.

My Child Knows the "F" Word

"Mom, sometimes I get so mad at my friends that I want to say the "S" word."

I about spit out my dinner. The statement seemed to come out of nowhere and was not something I expected to hear from my little girl. But I tried to remain calm.

"What do you know about the 'S' word?" I inquired.

Isabella hesitated. I could tell she was carefully thinking about whether she could say it to me or not. Eventually, she decided it was safe enough to say the forbidden "S" word aloud. "Stupid," she blurted out. "Sometimes I just want to use that word, Mom."

My heart started beating again. I let out a deep sigh of relief that my child still held onto some of her innocence. Stupid. Of course that's the "S' word. Of course that's a word you shouldn't use with your friends, even when you're mad at them. Isabella agreed, relieved that I wasn't mad at her for saying the dreaded word.

We talked for awhile about friendships and how they can be challenging sometimes. We brainstormed some other things we could say to our friends when we get so mad that we want to say the "S" word. It was a great conversation, really. And just when I thought we were wrapping it up, and I was feeling good about how well I handled that whole interaction, Isabella says, "And I won't say the 'F'' word either. That's a bad word, too. Right, Mom?"

My head raced. "F" word? What harmless first-grade put down is the "F" word? I cautiously asked, "What do you know about the 'F'' word?"

Isabella was confident this time. She didn't hesitate since she had been able to safely say the "S" word without getting in trouble. So she just matter-of-factly said it. Only it was the "F" word. The true "F-Bomb".

I couldn't believe I was hearing the word coming out of my sweet little girl's mouth. Where did she hear it? I was absolutely positive she never heard it from me or my husband. I am not much of a swearer myself and my husband is great about not using foul language at home. I couldn't hide some of my shock on this one. "Isabella. That is a word we never say. That is a very bad word. Where did you hear that word?"

"At school," she replied. "But my teacher said it was a bad word and we shouldn't say it." Right. School. Quickly I reminded myself of all the positive reasons why I send my children to school and of the words Tim Kimmel says in his book Grace Based Parenting...that we can't protect our kids from everything in this world. I try to remember it's better to let kids encounter things and feel safe to talk about them with their parents than to hide the world from them so they won't know how to interact with it appropriately when it's eventually revealed to them anyway.

Learning the "F' word was going to happen sooner or later, and I shouldn't be surprised that it happened at school. I was just hoping it would have been introduced a little later. Yet here was my daughter wanting to know what the word meant and why you can't say it.

How do you explain the "F" word without opening a whole bunch of topics that my 6 1/2-year-old wasn't quite ready for? So, I told her that it basically means "disrespecting some one's body." Not a perfect answer, I know. But it was enough to satisfy her since she knows it is a big deal to disrespect someone. We then talked about how words are just words but that there are some words people have decided are more hurtful and powerful than others. The "F" word was one of these words. It is one of the worst words you can say. And it's a yucky word. Some people think they look cooler or tougher when they use it. But we don't need that word to be cool or tough. We have other words we can use that don't hurt others and aren't yucky to say. Fortunately, Isabella was satisfied.

You might be interested in hearing how the word actually came up at Isabella's school. Apparently, they were learning a new word family one day. It was the "UCK" family. Isabella's teacher asked the class to come up with all the words they could think of that ended in "UCK". If you've ever been around a new reader, you know that they just take the ending given and start working their way through the alphabet. Buck. Cuck. Duck. You get the idea. After laughing hard at the image of Isabella's teacher panicking over 22 kindergartners stumbling on the "UCK" word that starts with "F", I again breathed a smaller sigh, but a sigh all the same, of relief that there was still some innocence left in my daughter.

Pick Up Your Toys or I Will

I didn't have time to argue. The baby had been crying and I was just sitting down to nurse her. We had friends coming over in about 30 minutes. Nate's toys, that were strewn all over the floor and stairs, needed to be picked up.

I asked him once to please pick up his things. He immediately developed some rare condition that causes his legs not to work and he complained that he couldn't walk. Going through the effort of a time out was not an option at this point.

So I told Nate that he had until I was done nursing Samantha to pick up all of his things. Anything that wasn't picked up by the time I was finished was going to go into a bag. Nate chose to cry the entire time while I nursed instead of picking anything up.

So, when I was done, I went to the kitchen and got a big plastic Target bag. I dramatically shook it open for Nate to hear (which made him wail all the more) and quickly swept through the room picking up everything I saw and placing it in the bag. In went about 20 toy cars, his favorite Mac truck, his brand new coin sorter that held over $7 of saved coins, some Star Wars figures and ships, and a pair of shoes. It took me about three minutes to collect it all and store the bag in a place I knew Nate would not find it.

The main goal for me was to get the toys picked up so our guests could come over. The consequence of Nate not doing it himself needed to be more of an inconvenience to him than me. Me picking up his toys was just that, for these were some of his very favorite possessions. And now they were all gone.

Nate of course wanted them back and promised he'd put them all away "right now". I of course said, "No" because he didn't listen to me when I asked him to do it the first time. And since I had to pick up all of the toys, they were now mine.

"Where are they?" he cried.

"Sorry, bud," I calmly replied. "I put them in a bag and I'll decide what to do with them. They're mine now so don't worry about it." By staying calm and matter-of-fact, Nate got the message right away that there was nothing he could do to change the situation.

Fast forward to the next day. I needed help getting ready for dinner. I asked Nate to help clean off the table for me, putting some of the dishes that were left behind into the sink (some not even his), and then to wipe down the table so we could eat at it. He did it right away without even complaining. When he was finished I said, "Nate, thank you so much for your help and for doing it right away. That was great! I'd like to thank you by letting you pick something out of the bag I collected yesterday."

Nate's eye's lit up as he carefully picked out one item from the bag (his coin counter. Good choice). He was so excited to be able to rescue one of his possessions. And he felt good that he got it unexpectedly for being a good listener.

In the days that have followed, I have looked for opportunities when he's being a good listener to "thank him" by letting him pick out another item from the bag. I don't bribe him with the bag first by saying something like "if you do this you can get something from the bag" because I don't want him listening just so he can get something. Rather, I want him to listen whether he gets something for it or not. He never knows when I'm going to offer a chance to pick an item from the bag.

This has been a great consequence as it has accomplished two things. First, it allows me to regularly reinforce in a positive way the listening skills that I want Nate to improve on. Secondly, he has been much quicker to pick up his things the first time I ask. =)

Let Me Hold You Longer

It has been three weeks since my last post. Laying beside me, sound asleep (finally), is my new sweet baby girl, Samantha Caroline.

When she was born, she was 8 pounds 5.7 ounces and 20.5 inches. Definitely a good-sized baby but still so tiny.

Samantha Caroline Wood born June 17th 5:06pm

I held her and touched her and explored her little features and smelled her and loved her. So tiny. So sweet. So new.

And then my two older children came into the room to see me and meet their new little sister. Let me rephrase that. GIANTS came into my room to see me and their new sister. Oh my gosh! My 4 1/2 and 6 1/2-year olds were so huge! It took my breath away. It sounds weird to say, but I almost didn't recognize them. It was hard to get my mind around the fact that these were my babies, too. Only, they weren't babies anymore. They were big kids even though both of them started out tiny like Samantha was now. What happened? When did they get so big?

Tomorrow, June 8th Samantha will be three weeks old. When I hold her, I can't believe how big she has already gotten. She weighs almost two pounds more than she did when she was born and is almost three inches longer. And I want her to stop.

I think the thing that most first-time moms are told the most through their pregnancy and first year of parenthood is, "It goes by so fast. Enjoy it while you can." I'm sure most first-time moms are like I was. The months of interrupted sleep seemed to never end. Time did not seem to go by fast as I just tried to get through one day after another. In the midst of my exhaustion and frustrations and just plain operating in new-mom survival mode, hearing "it goes by so fast" came in one ear and out the other...until I walked my daughter up to her classroom on her first day of kindergarten.

When my son was born, I had him and a two-year-old. While I wasn't as stressed about how to parent him as I was with my first, I now was always on the go. My son came along for the ride as I shuttled my daughter to preschool, playgroups, and my work-related appointments. Regretfully, once again, I was just mostly getting through each day. This fall, my son will be attending school full-time five days a week. He's so big. Where did the time go?

And so, as I hold Samantha, I tell her to "stop it!" Stop growing so fast. I'll take the exhaustion, and the sleepless nights, and the wanting to nurse every two hours during the day, and the gazillion poopy diapers to just hang on a little longer to this infancy stage. Because it's gone so fast. I already see it slipping away. And I'll never experience this stage again as a mother (99% sure of that).

I do look forward to each new stage my children will go through. I can't wait until Samantha is old enough to talk so I can get to know her in a deeper way and begin to see who she really is going to be as a person. It will be fun to see Nate develop new friendships and grow academically and emotionally next year and see what new qualities this brings out in him. And I'm enjoying watching Isabella emerge into a full-blown school-aged girl that includes deeper conversations and being able to participate in more "grown-up" activities with me.

But, I also want to try to live in the moment more with my children and enjoy where they're at. Because while every stage will come with it's own set of challenges that I won't miss saying good-bye to, each one also has very special and unique qualities that I will miss once my kids grow out of them.

Karen Kingsbury wrote a great children's book that every parent should read. She begins her book "Let Me Hold You Longer" like this:

Long ago you came to me,
a miracle of firsts:
First smiles and teeth and baby steps,
a sunbeam on the burst.
But one day you will move away
and leave to me your past,
And I will be left thinking of a lifetime of your lasts...

Whether you're a first-time parent or a veteran, will you join me in an effort to more intentionally focus on and appreciate the stages that our children are in now? You can start by commenting below on what you love about the stage your child(ren) are in now.

Teaching Time Management to Kids

I want to teach my children that there are definitely times when things need to get done immediately. For example, if we have guests coming over, I will expect that their room needs to be cleaned "right now". But it is also important for me to teach them to take responsibility for something I've asked them to do within a flexible range of time and for them to learn how make choices regarding when they would like to do that task. They may have clothes that need to be put away, but it doesn't REALLY make a big difference if it's done right this second. If I stop to think about it, what I really care about is that they get put away, not so much WHEN they do, so I let them choose when they'd like to put them away within a reasonable amount of time.

This the the beginning of teaching time management skills. Important because in life we will have tasks that need to be completed within a flexible range of time more often than tasks that need to be completed immediately. Right now I have a pile of dishes in my sink. They will get done today. Just not right now. Right now, I'm in the mood for writing. Plus, the kids are both in school right now. I can't write when they are home, but I can do dishes. The dishes don't need to be done "right this second."

Given this, I try to be intentional about providing as many opportunities as possible for my kids to learn how to manage their time. It's hard sometimes because it is so much easier to teach my kids to just do something the minute I tell them to do it. If I want those clothes put away, it's easier to tell them to stop what they're doing and put them away "right now" and know that it's done, than have to go through the sometimes longer process of teaching good time management which can result in having to implement consequences. But as we all know, parenting is not about making decisions based on what makes OUR lives easier, it's about making decisions based on what we need to teach our kids.

Last Wednesday was one of those times when I chose the harder parenting road for the sake of providing an opportunity for Isabella to make choices regarding when to get a list of tasks done. On this day, there were several things that needed to be done. She needed to do her homework. She needed to do her reading. She had piano to practice. And she had to had to had to take a bath. She was way over do.

Isabella had the things on her list she wanted to accomplish that day as well. She wanted to finish watching the movie she had started the day before. She wanted to work on her Leprechaun Trap (a school project due on Monday) with her dad when he got home. She wanted to have playtime with her brother. And she wanted to have extra time to read with her dad before bedtime because they were getting so close to the end of their chapter book.

So, the initial conversation went something like this:

Isabella: Mom, can I finish the movie I started yesterday?
Me: You can, but here are the things you need to get done today. You have homework to do. We need to do your Bag a Book (her reading). You have piano to practice because tomorrow is your lesson. And you have to take a bath tonight.
Isabella: OK, Mom. I'll do those things. But can I watch my movie first?
Me: You can choose to watch your movie now if you'd like, Isabella. But I also know you want to work on your Leprechaun Trap with Daddy tonight and you want to read more in your chapter book. Homework, Bag a Book, Piano, and Bath all have to be done before you can work on your trap. And it all has to be done before bedtime.


Now let me pause here a second. I did put in place some leverage points. I know how much working on this trap meant to Isabella AND I know how important reading before bedtime is to her. These were my leverage points to motivate her to accomplish her tasks. Just saying, "They have to be done before bed" probably wouldn't work for her (she would be fine going to bed not having done any of her tasks). Just like knowing I have guests coming at 6:00 motivates me to get going on cleaning my house, it's OK to find the leverage points that work for your own kids. It could be something as simple as "This needs to be done by dinner time." Dinner becomes the leverage. No dinner until the task is complete. Or no TV. Or no video games. You get the point.


Back to my story. Isabella accepted the terms and chose to watch her movie. I let her make this choice. I didn't try to talk her out of it. I accepted her decision and I went off to do my own tasks. Now, my daughter is only six and still does not have a good sense for time. If she were older, I would have her rely on the clock. But in her case, around 5:00 when she had finished her movie and had now moved on to playing with her brother, I came in the room and gave her a sense of time.

Me: Isabella, it is 5:00. Your dad will be home in 60 minutes. Would you like to get some of your stuff done before he gets home?
Isabella: (thinking a minute) OK Mom. Let's do Bag a Book.

So we did. As she put her book back in her backpack she saw her homework. Taking it out she looked at it and said , "This is easy!" I encouraged her to just do it now, and get it over with then. Which she did. All of this took maybe 25 minutes. So I pointed out to her...

Me: Isabella, you still have about 30 minutes before Daddy gets home. Do you want to do your 20 minutes of piano practice now and get it over with?
Isabella: (thinking) Nah. Not right now.
Me: OK. Isabella. That's your choice. Just remember what we talked about earlier.


And I left it at that and went back to my tasks.


Soon Dad comes home. VERY exciting! Isabella wanted to tell him about her day. And be silly. And help make dinner, which was turning out to take a lot longer to put together than usual and by now it was almost 7:00. So, I gave Isabella a sense of time.

Me: Isabella, it's actually later than it usually is when we have dinner. Bedtime is in 90 minutes. You still have piano and bath. And I know you have things you still want to do with Dad. Just thought I'd let you know.
Isabella: Mom, can I take a quick bath now while we're waiting for dinner to finish?
Me: That would be OK. But it has to be quick.

I got a bath going for her and helped her wash her hair right away. She wanted to stay in longer. But dinner was on the table. I told her she was welcome to stay in the bath and skip dinner if she'd like. She chose to get out.

And here comes the part where Isabella had to learn the hard way that she did not make very good choices on how to spend her day. And here's the part where as a parent I want to give in, and renegotiate, and come up with new rules, and not stick to what I originally said. Because, like every other parent out there, we hate to see our kids fail. So, I remind myself, that this is an important lesson for her to learn. And it's hard. But it's good. And I stick to it.

Dinner was full of talking and joking. It went slow. It is now 8:00 as we're wrapping up. Isabella's face lights up as she begins to talk about getting started on her Leprechaun Trap. In comes the leverage point.

Me: No, Isabella. You don't have time work on your trap. It is 8:00. Normally, this is when you start getting ready for bed. But you still have piano to do. I am actually worried that you're not even going to have time to read your chapter book tonight.
Isabella: (tears tears tears) But Mom! That's not fair! I want to work on my trap. I've been waiting all day to do it with Daddy!
Me: I know, Isabella. You're very disappointed that you chose to do other things earlier today instead of getting your piano done. I bet you wish you would have done it differently now.
Isabella: Yes, I do! I just want to do my trap. I don't want to do my piano.
Me: I know, Isabella. The trap is more exciting to you right now than your piano. But, our agreement was that everything had to be done before you could do your other things with Daddy.
Isabella: (sobbing)
Me: And now Isabella, I know you're disappointed, but you still have to do you piano. And you sitting here and crying and arguing is eating into your remaining time. Because, I'm not going to change my mind. And you do have to practice your piano. And I'm starting to worry that you're not even going to have time to brush your teeth or put on jammies.
Isabella: But what about dessert?
Dad: (who is awesome and is great a supporting things like this!) Isabella, I'd get a small piece of hard candy or something you can suck on while you practice. But it doesn't look like you'll have time for much else.


A few more protests. A few more reminders of time slipping away. A realization that Mom and Dad weren't budging on this. And suddenly there was my little girl playing her C-Scale double octaves and her Ode to Joy.

Isabella ended up with 2 minutes to get jammies on and her teeth brushed. Knowing we'd put her to bed at 8:30 tonight regardless of what she had finished, she somehow got it all done in a blur and was in bed by 8:30...well, maybe it was closer to 8:35. =)

Friday night, before Isabella went to bed, the Leprechaun Trap again came up. Her and Dad were planning to work really hard on it this weekend and get it completed. I told her she had two things she needed to do Saturday morning before the Leprechaun Trap could be worked on. She needed to clean her room and practice her piano.

At 7:30 Saturday morning I woke up to the sounds of double octave C-Scales being played. Her room was already clean. No joke!