My kids have been in school now for two weeks. The first week of school came with a bit of grace from me. I remember as a kid the adjustment from lazy summer morning "routine" to up-and-at-'em-no-messing-around school morning routine. So, I offered more reminders than usual about how much time they had before we were leaving and let them run back into the house to grab their backpack after we had all already piled into the van to leave. For the first week I gave instruction on how to manage their time more effectively in the future. We had discussions on the way to school over what was slowing us down in the morning and what we could do to solve that. I offered extra help in the effort to get them back into a school-morning rhythm.
Overall, in two weeks my kids have done a great job getting back into a morning routine. Each morning I come downstairs around 8:00 to my kids on the couch watching their morning PBS programs and set them into motion with getting dressed, eating breakfast and gathering all their stuff for school. We've been able to leave by 8:40 almost every day with 8:45 being the latest. Getting two kids and a baby out the door in 40 minutes is something I'm very proud of. =)
I'd like to say that in addition to not being late for school (yet), our journey to school is relaxed and full of joy. We have had some of those journeys, even within the past two weeks. But most mornings we enter into the school drive with frustrations lingering. The biggest culprit has been shoes and socks.
Such simple things, shoes. Mine are always kept by the front door. I take them off and leave them there first thing when I walk into the house so they're there to put on as I get ready to leave.
Socks. I have a drawer just for those warm little feet huggers. Several pairs reside in those drawers so that I always have a pair to pull out in time of need.
It seems so simple. So easy. Which is why it drive me CRAZY that almost every morning there is this frantic dash around the house looking for clean socks and finding the partner to a lonely shoe.
I've taught the kids my system. Apparently they don't like it because they don't use it.
I've given them a "heads up" for how much time they have before we leave so if they need socks and shoes they'd have plenty of time to solve that problem before we head out the door. Apparently they think I'm just stating the time for my benefit and that somehow some household magic (that hasn't existed any other day at our house by the way) will magically place two clean socks and matched shoes on their feet as we walk out the door.
So, yesterday I told them that tomorrow I was not going to wait around for shoes and socks to be found. At 8:40 everyone was getting in the van for school whether they had the right clothing on their feet or not.
Today, at 8:30 I told the kids we were leaving in 10 minutes and to make sure they had all their stuff and their shoes and socks on. At 8:39, I put the baby in her car seat, turned off the TV, grabbed my keys and announced, "Everyone in the car! Time to go!" My two kids went scrambling for their shoes. Isabella couldn't find socks. Nate actually had his shoes and socks sitting beside him but he didn't have them on. I pulled out my "bummer" phrase to them and told them "It's not my problem. Get in the car." And I walked out of the house to the van.
Isabella grab the first two socks she could find (dirty and mismatched). Nate walked out barefoot with his shoes and socks in his hand.
You'd think the story ends here. Except Nate, in his ultimate wisdom, chose not to put his shoes and socks on in the car. Don't ask. I have no idea what his little brain was thinking. As we pulled up to school and got ready to get out, Nate began whining that he didn't have his shoes on yet.
"Bummer," I said. "Your bell's about to ring and you need to get inside. You're going to have to go in barefoot. Hopefully your teacher will let you put your shoes on in the classroom." Nate did not like that at all, complaining that his feet hurt and the grass was wet the whole way into the building. The best part of this story was that his teacher, after hearing from me why her cute blond-headed student didn't have his shoes on, picked right up where I left off and sat him in the back of the classroom to put his shoes on before he could sit down in circle time.
I love allowing my kids to learn through natural consequences especially when I have taught them ahead of time how to avoid the consequence. We can't make our kids do anything. And sometimes we have to allow them the opportunity to choose to learn a life lesson the natural way instead of our way. I've found that sometimes this is the most effective teacher.
So, hopefully tomorrow when I say, "We're leaving in 10 minutes, get your shoes and socks on," my children will take me a little more seriously. Because at 8:40, we're getting in the car whether they're ready or not. And maybe, just maybe, they will have two clean socks and a pair of shoes on their feet.
Showing posts with label listening. Show all posts
Showing posts with label listening. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
Ending the Arguing
Kids argue with us because they believe that as long as they keep our attention on the issue they have a chance to win. Obviously, if we ever give into our kids once they've started arguing with us, because they've worn us down or even because we've change our mind, we've only confirmed for them that arguing works, at least sometimes. If it works sometimes, then EVERYTIME they will give it a shot that THIS will be one of those "sometimes".
If you're like me, you probably HATE it when your kids start to argue with you when you've given your answer on an issue. So here's what I do to avoid the arguing:
When I see my kids are about to start arguing an issue I immediately look them strait in the eye and very calmly but firmly say, "I've given you my answer. I am not going to change my mind." This lets them know that it's not worth continuing with the discussion. Usually, this ends it (to their dismay) because I also try to be very consistent. They know that once I say this their chances are over. I love that "I'm not going to change my mind" phrase. It let's them know right away that it's not worth continuing on.
However, there are times when they test me, as children are designed to do. If they try to argue once I've told them I'm not changing my mind, then I offer them their choice.
"Now you are arguing. You can stop right now or you can take a time out for arguing. What's your choice?"
And then it's important to immediately follow through. A protest or continuing to argue means they've made their choice to take the time out. Not allowing an argument to go a sentence past "I'm not going to change my mind" and then consistently following through has stopped many potential arguing episodes with my kids.
But I have been teaching my kids something else. Sometimes they do have a good point and I have jumped to my final answer too quickly. If my children calmly come back talking like a "big boy" or "big girl" and present their case for my reconsideration, I will listen to them. Sometimes, they present good arguments and I will change my mind. Sometimes I will thank them for politely talking to me and that I'm very proud of them for doing so, but my answer is still "no". And sometimes we negotiate. I am OK with teaching them that sometimes they can get me to change my mind if they actually TALK to me. In my opinion, this is a good life skill to teach them. How many times in our adult lives do we need to change some one's mind? But we're more likely to be successful if we talk to the person rather than argue with them, right?
Try using the "I'm not going to change my mind" line, or your variation ("I've given you my final answer", "I've heard you, and my answer is 'no," etc.) with your kids and stick with it. Then, let me know how it works for you!
If you're like me, you probably HATE it when your kids start to argue with you when you've given your answer on an issue. So here's what I do to avoid the arguing:
When I see my kids are about to start arguing an issue I immediately look them strait in the eye and very calmly but firmly say, "I've given you my answer. I am not going to change my mind." This lets them know that it's not worth continuing with the discussion. Usually, this ends it (to their dismay) because I also try to be very consistent. They know that once I say this their chances are over. I love that "I'm not going to change my mind" phrase. It let's them know right away that it's not worth continuing on.
However, there are times when they test me, as children are designed to do. If they try to argue once I've told them I'm not changing my mind, then I offer them their choice.
"Now you are arguing. You can stop right now or you can take a time out for arguing. What's your choice?"
And then it's important to immediately follow through. A protest or continuing to argue means they've made their choice to take the time out. Not allowing an argument to go a sentence past "I'm not going to change my mind" and then consistently following through has stopped many potential arguing episodes with my kids.
But I have been teaching my kids something else. Sometimes they do have a good point and I have jumped to my final answer too quickly. If my children calmly come back talking like a "big boy" or "big girl" and present their case for my reconsideration, I will listen to them. Sometimes, they present good arguments and I will change my mind. Sometimes I will thank them for politely talking to me and that I'm very proud of them for doing so, but my answer is still "no". And sometimes we negotiate. I am OK with teaching them that sometimes they can get me to change my mind if they actually TALK to me. In my opinion, this is a good life skill to teach them. How many times in our adult lives do we need to change some one's mind? But we're more likely to be successful if we talk to the person rather than argue with them, right?
Try using the "I'm not going to change my mind" line, or your variation ("I've given you my final answer", "I've heard you, and my answer is 'no," etc.) with your kids and stick with it. Then, let me know how it works for you!
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Consistency is a Parent's Responsibility
All of these are true stories recently witnessed:
Scene 1: A mom is with her two-and-a-half-year-old getting ready to have some ice-cream. The little girl, full of energy, does not want to stay seated. The mom however is requiring that her little one sit properly at the table in order to get the ice-cream. "If you want the ice cream you need to sit down first, " mom says. The toddler briefly sits then pops back up on her feet. "No," says mom, "you have to sit down if you want the ice-cream." This time mom picks up her daughter and sits her down. Then she places the ice-cream in front of her. Within seconds, the little girl is back to standing on her chair, eating ice-cream not sitting down. This time mom says a little firmer, "If you don't sit down I'm going to take the ice-cream away." The little girl sits. Maybe two minutes pass. The two-year-old is back on her feet. Mom is now angry. "Sit down!" mom snarls as she pushes her little girl back onto her bottom. "I'm serious. I will take your ice-cream away if you get up again."
Scene 2: A girl of about eight-years-old is walking out of the Home Depot with her family. Dad and brother are slightly ahead. One gets the impression that it has not been the most pleasant of family experiences to the store as dad is quiet and walking briskly to the car while an exasperated mom is holding on tightly to her daughter's arm and quietly scolding her. The daughter has a smile on her face, almost a look of triumph. Somehow she releases herself from her mother's grip and begins to skip off. But in her thrill of escaping mom, she forgets to watch where she's going and almost runs into a group of people walking into the store. Mom, absolutely furious, growls at her, "How many times do I have to tell you to cut it out?" Mom grabs the daughter's arm again but within seconds the girl has wriggled free and is now giggling as she runs to catch up with her dad.
Scene 3: A dad is picking up his kids from school. There is maybe 3 years difference between the two boys. The two brothers begin almost immediately picking on one another, pushing and hitting. While the two occasionally seem to be having fun, it's clear that the goal is to hurt the other. Dad, almost looking embarrassed at the display his boys are doing in front of the other parents and kids tells them to stop. They boys act as if they didn't even hear him. Dad tries again, "Come on you guys. That's enough." The boys pause, but within seconds are still fighting to see who can get the last hit in. Again, dad tries to intervene, this time raising his voice a bit. "Boys. Cut it out. I mean it!" The boys stop. The youngest one hides behind dad. The older one waits a moment for dad to turn his attention back to his Blackberry at which point he picks up a rock and throws it at his little brother. The rock hits his brother in the arm who then immediately wails out in pain. Now furious, dad grabs his older son and yells, "What is wrong with you? I told you to cut it out! Now apologize to your brother right now!" Older brother, with every bit of sarcasm in his voice says, "Sorry". As the family leaves, the two boys are seen trying to sneak small hits and jabs at each other all the way back to the car.
Three different stories. Three different ages of children involved. Yet all three have the same thing in common. Consistency. Did any of these children really believe what their parents were telling them? Did the toddler believe that her mom would really take the ice-cream away? Did the girl think there was any reason to listen to her mom? Did the boys really believe there would be any consequence if they didn't stop fighting? And do they think that it's really all that important to their dad that they don't hit each other? The answer to all of these is "NO". In fact, the kids in all the situations are probably thinking, "Why should I not do what I want to do? You're not going to do anything about it except talk at me. And I can handle that if it means I can still do what I want."
When I find myself getting more and more frustrated with my kids because they're not doing what I asked them to do, it's almost always a sign to me that I am doing a bad job parenting. It's MY fault they aren't listening to me. If I've gotten frustrated and mad at my kids, it's often MY fault that I have let the behavior go on so long. If my kids don't believe I'm serious they're not going to do what I said. Just assuming kids should listen to us because we're the parents is a sure path to parenting misery. Kids don't work that way. Even ADULTS don't work that way.
It's just like the country road that says "55mph." Almost everyone goes way over that speed limit when they're on that road because they know that there are never any cops on it. They know they will get away with driving fast on it every time. But as soon as that road starts getting patrolled, and cars start getting pulled over for speeding, everyone makes sure that they're gong as close to 55mph as possible. Because now they know "they mean it" when the sign says to drive 55mph.
With our kids, we need to be consistent in what we expect from them and follow through immediately with what we say we're going to do. If we want them to stop, we need to make sure they stop the first time we've asked them. If they don't get ice-cream unless they're sitting, then we take away the ice-cream the second they stand up again. If we think leaving a store for bad behavior is a consequence we're willing to threaten with but won't ever really do, then it's up to us to think of a different consequence. Because kids will pick up really quickly on the fact that we don't REALLY mean what we say. But they will also pick up just as quickly that we do.
I want my kids to know without any doubt that when I say it's time to stop, they know I'm serious. When I say a certain consequence will happen if they don't make a different choice, I want my kids to know that I mean it. Every time.
It's my responsibilty to make sure my kids learn this by staying consistent with what I say and do.
In the comment space below, share an example with us of a time you showed your consistency with your kids. Your comments help encourage us all.
Scene 1: A mom is with her two-and-a-half-year-old getting ready to have some ice-cream. The little girl, full of energy, does not want to stay seated. The mom however is requiring that her little one sit properly at the table in order to get the ice-cream. "If you want the ice cream you need to sit down first, " mom says. The toddler briefly sits then pops back up on her feet. "No," says mom, "you have to sit down if you want the ice-cream." This time mom picks up her daughter and sits her down. Then she places the ice-cream in front of her. Within seconds, the little girl is back to standing on her chair, eating ice-cream not sitting down. This time mom says a little firmer, "If you don't sit down I'm going to take the ice-cream away." The little girl sits. Maybe two minutes pass. The two-year-old is back on her feet. Mom is now angry. "Sit down!" mom snarls as she pushes her little girl back onto her bottom. "I'm serious. I will take your ice-cream away if you get up again."
Scene 2: A girl of about eight-years-old is walking out of the Home Depot with her family. Dad and brother are slightly ahead. One gets the impression that it has not been the most pleasant of family experiences to the store as dad is quiet and walking briskly to the car while an exasperated mom is holding on tightly to her daughter's arm and quietly scolding her. The daughter has a smile on her face, almost a look of triumph. Somehow she releases herself from her mother's grip and begins to skip off. But in her thrill of escaping mom, she forgets to watch where she's going and almost runs into a group of people walking into the store. Mom, absolutely furious, growls at her, "How many times do I have to tell you to cut it out?" Mom grabs the daughter's arm again but within seconds the girl has wriggled free and is now giggling as she runs to catch up with her dad.
Scene 3: A dad is picking up his kids from school. There is maybe 3 years difference between the two boys. The two brothers begin almost immediately picking on one another, pushing and hitting. While the two occasionally seem to be having fun, it's clear that the goal is to hurt the other. Dad, almost looking embarrassed at the display his boys are doing in front of the other parents and kids tells them to stop. They boys act as if they didn't even hear him. Dad tries again, "Come on you guys. That's enough." The boys pause, but within seconds are still fighting to see who can get the last hit in. Again, dad tries to intervene, this time raising his voice a bit. "Boys. Cut it out. I mean it!" The boys stop. The youngest one hides behind dad. The older one waits a moment for dad to turn his attention back to his Blackberry at which point he picks up a rock and throws it at his little brother. The rock hits his brother in the arm who then immediately wails out in pain. Now furious, dad grabs his older son and yells, "What is wrong with you? I told you to cut it out! Now apologize to your brother right now!" Older brother, with every bit of sarcasm in his voice says, "Sorry". As the family leaves, the two boys are seen trying to sneak small hits and jabs at each other all the way back to the car.
Three different stories. Three different ages of children involved. Yet all three have the same thing in common. Consistency. Did any of these children really believe what their parents were telling them? Did the toddler believe that her mom would really take the ice-cream away? Did the girl think there was any reason to listen to her mom? Did the boys really believe there would be any consequence if they didn't stop fighting? And do they think that it's really all that important to their dad that they don't hit each other? The answer to all of these is "NO". In fact, the kids in all the situations are probably thinking, "Why should I not do what I want to do? You're not going to do anything about it except talk at me. And I can handle that if it means I can still do what I want."
When I find myself getting more and more frustrated with my kids because they're not doing what I asked them to do, it's almost always a sign to me that I am doing a bad job parenting. It's MY fault they aren't listening to me. If I've gotten frustrated and mad at my kids, it's often MY fault that I have let the behavior go on so long. If my kids don't believe I'm serious they're not going to do what I said. Just assuming kids should listen to us because we're the parents is a sure path to parenting misery. Kids don't work that way. Even ADULTS don't work that way.
It's just like the country road that says "55mph." Almost everyone goes way over that speed limit when they're on that road because they know that there are never any cops on it. They know they will get away with driving fast on it every time. But as soon as that road starts getting patrolled, and cars start getting pulled over for speeding, everyone makes sure that they're gong as close to 55mph as possible. Because now they know "they mean it" when the sign says to drive 55mph.
With our kids, we need to be consistent in what we expect from them and follow through immediately with what we say we're going to do. If we want them to stop, we need to make sure they stop the first time we've asked them. If they don't get ice-cream unless they're sitting, then we take away the ice-cream the second they stand up again. If we think leaving a store for bad behavior is a consequence we're willing to threaten with but won't ever really do, then it's up to us to think of a different consequence. Because kids will pick up really quickly on the fact that we don't REALLY mean what we say. But they will also pick up just as quickly that we do.
I want my kids to know without any doubt that when I say it's time to stop, they know I'm serious. When I say a certain consequence will happen if they don't make a different choice, I want my kids to know that I mean it. Every time.
It's my responsibilty to make sure my kids learn this by staying consistent with what I say and do.
In the comment space below, share an example with us of a time you showed your consistency with your kids. Your comments help encourage us all.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Turning Listening Into an Absolute
My son Nate is in this wonderful phase of not listening. Right now it's mostly developmental, I know. In his little ego-centric four-year-old mind he's thinking "I don't want to listen. I'd so much rather do what I'm currently doing than listen to what you have to say." And like my daughter was at this age, he is very stubborn. If I don't give him a reason to think that listening to me is a better option than not, well...he's not going to listen. To him, it doesn't matter that it's his MOM telling him to get dressed. It doesn't matter that I explained to him that we are leaving in ten minutes. No. He's thinking, "I don't want to get dressed, and frankly you haven't convinced me that listening to you is worth the effort of getting dressed."
I have found myself, like most parents, getting lazy and instead of expecting him to listen to me the first time I ask, I give him lots of chances by coming back into the room every five miutes to tell him in my most exasperated voice to PLEASE get dressed. Cuz, "I'm not kidding. We have to leave!"
I have woke up in the morning reminding myself that doing this is not effective parenting and that today Nate will get one chance to listen. I'm going to remember to offer the choice to listen or have a time out, and I am going to follow through. And I do it. And it makes the point for a day or so only until I realize that a few days have past and I'm back to coming into the room and telling him more than once to please get dressed. And soon it occurs to me that I've been so inconsistant that even getting refocused and offering the choices isn't really effective any more.
It's when it has gotten to this point that I realize the time has come to turn "listening to mommy or daddy when we say it's time to get dressed" into a temporary absolute. Abolutes are those things that you don't get to make choices over. They are an immediate consequence for the sake of breaking a pattern of behavior. We keep a very small handful of things forever absolutes like hitting, biting, swearing (if needed)...generally those things that purposefully hurt another person. When an absoulte is broken, it is an immediate consequence. No discussion. For a preschooler like Nate, it's usually a time out. So for instance, if he were to push me out of anger, I would say firmly, "No pushing Mommy! Time out!" When used correctly, absolutes can often break a behovior, such as hitting within a very short amount of time.
As parents, we don't have many absoultes because we want kids t0 take responsibility for their behavior, we want to give them a sense of control over their lives, and we want them to learn to make choices so that they are prepared for making the millions of choices they will have to make on their own in their lifetime. Overall, studies show that offering choices and following through with logical consequences is the best way to change behavior and for long-term learning to occur. But ocassionally, and I emphasize the occasionally, we need to institue a more pure behaior managment-type approach and turn a behavior that is chronic into an absolute temporarily. This way, the pattern in poor behavior can be broken and reset to a level that reinstituting choices for that behavior again can be effective.
I realized this morning that often times turning something into a temporary absolute is as beneficial for me, the parent, as it is for my child. Because, Nate's failure to not listen to me is mostly my fault. I have not been consistant in my expectations for when he needs to get dressed. I have not done a good job of letting him know that when I say "It's time to get dressed" he knows it's in his interest to do that "right now." He knows that usually I'm going to come in and tell him three or four more times before I really insist that he gets dressed. I need to get us BOTH on the right path again.
So, this morning one of the first things I told him was, "Nate, starting today, when I tell you it's time to get your clothes on, you need to do it right away. If you don't, it will be an immediate time out." This is my way of informing him that and absolute has been instituted so I'm not blindsiding him with it later. We ate breakfast. And we talked about what was on TV. And then I told him it was time to get dressed. I didn't leave the room. I waited to see what he was going to do. And my sweet little boy huffed and sat on the couch with his arms crossed in defiance.
"Bummer. Time out, Bud for not listening and getting dressed when I asked you."
I picked him up an put him on the stairs without any further discussion. He sat there for his four minutes. When it was done, I asked him why he was in time out. He correctly told me he was there for not listening when I told him to get dressed. I reminded him that I did tell him that if he chose not to listen to me when I told him it was time to get dressed that it would be an immediate time out. He remembered. And when I asked if he was ready to make a different choice, he said he would go get dressed right now. And he did.
I will remind him again of the absolute tonight before it's time to get ready for bed. I will remind him again tomorrow morning and evening as well. And depending on how things go, decide if I can move back to lifting the absoulte and reinstating the choice of, "Are you going to listen and get dressed or are you going to have a time out?"
My guess is that by Wednesday we will both be back on the right track. And then it will be up to me to stay consistant so that we don't have to do this again.
Being consistent is hard, isn't it? It's so easy to slip into bad patterns and hope that our kids will still do as we say without us putting much effort into it. Yet, being inconsistent usually results in taking up MORE of our time in the long run and getting us MORE frustrated with our kids. Where do you need to be more consistent with your kids' behavior?
I have found myself, like most parents, getting lazy and instead of expecting him to listen to me the first time I ask, I give him lots of chances by coming back into the room every five miutes to tell him in my most exasperated voice to PLEASE get dressed. Cuz, "I'm not kidding. We have to leave!"
I have woke up in the morning reminding myself that doing this is not effective parenting and that today Nate will get one chance to listen. I'm going to remember to offer the choice to listen or have a time out, and I am going to follow through. And I do it. And it makes the point for a day or so only until I realize that a few days have past and I'm back to coming into the room and telling him more than once to please get dressed. And soon it occurs to me that I've been so inconsistant that even getting refocused and offering the choices isn't really effective any more.
It's when it has gotten to this point that I realize the time has come to turn "listening to mommy or daddy when we say it's time to get dressed" into a temporary absolute. Abolutes are those things that you don't get to make choices over. They are an immediate consequence for the sake of breaking a pattern of behavior. We keep a very small handful of things forever absolutes like hitting, biting, swearing (if needed)...generally those things that purposefully hurt another person. When an absoulte is broken, it is an immediate consequence. No discussion. For a preschooler like Nate, it's usually a time out. So for instance, if he were to push me out of anger, I would say firmly, "No pushing Mommy! Time out!" When used correctly, absolutes can often break a behovior, such as hitting within a very short amount of time.
As parents, we don't have many absoultes because we want kids t0 take responsibility for their behavior, we want to give them a sense of control over their lives, and we want them to learn to make choices so that they are prepared for making the millions of choices they will have to make on their own in their lifetime. Overall, studies show that offering choices and following through with logical consequences is the best way to change behavior and for long-term learning to occur. But ocassionally, and I emphasize the occasionally, we need to institue a more pure behaior managment-type approach and turn a behavior that is chronic into an absolute temporarily. This way, the pattern in poor behavior can be broken and reset to a level that reinstituting choices for that behavior again can be effective.
I realized this morning that often times turning something into a temporary absolute is as beneficial for me, the parent, as it is for my child. Because, Nate's failure to not listen to me is mostly my fault. I have not been consistant in my expectations for when he needs to get dressed. I have not done a good job of letting him know that when I say "It's time to get dressed" he knows it's in his interest to do that "right now." He knows that usually I'm going to come in and tell him three or four more times before I really insist that he gets dressed. I need to get us BOTH on the right path again.
So, this morning one of the first things I told him was, "Nate, starting today, when I tell you it's time to get your clothes on, you need to do it right away. If you don't, it will be an immediate time out." This is my way of informing him that and absolute has been instituted so I'm not blindsiding him with it later. We ate breakfast. And we talked about what was on TV. And then I told him it was time to get dressed. I didn't leave the room. I waited to see what he was going to do. And my sweet little boy huffed and sat on the couch with his arms crossed in defiance.
"Bummer. Time out, Bud for not listening and getting dressed when I asked you."
I picked him up an put him on the stairs without any further discussion. He sat there for his four minutes. When it was done, I asked him why he was in time out. He correctly told me he was there for not listening when I told him to get dressed. I reminded him that I did tell him that if he chose not to listen to me when I told him it was time to get dressed that it would be an immediate time out. He remembered. And when I asked if he was ready to make a different choice, he said he would go get dressed right now. And he did.
I will remind him again of the absolute tonight before it's time to get ready for bed. I will remind him again tomorrow morning and evening as well. And depending on how things go, decide if I can move back to lifting the absoulte and reinstating the choice of, "Are you going to listen and get dressed or are you going to have a time out?"
My guess is that by Wednesday we will both be back on the right track. And then it will be up to me to stay consistant so that we don't have to do this again.
Being consistent is hard, isn't it? It's so easy to slip into bad patterns and hope that our kids will still do as we say without us putting much effort into it. Yet, being inconsistent usually results in taking up MORE of our time in the long run and getting us MORE frustrated with our kids. Where do you need to be more consistent with your kids' behavior?
My son Nate is in this wonderful phase of not listening. Right now it's mostly developmental, I know. In his little ego-centric four-year-old mind he's thinking "I don't want to listen. I'd so much rather do what I'm currently doing than listen to what you have to say." And like my daughter was at this age, he is very stubborn. If I don't give him a reason to think that listening to me is a better option than not, well...he's not going to listen. To him, it doesn't matter that it's his MOM telling him to get dressed. It doesn't matter that I explained to him that we are leaving in ten minutes. No. He's thinking, "I don't want to get dressed, and frankly you haven't convinced me that listening to you is worth the effort of getting dressed."
I have found myself, like most parents, getting lazy and instead of expecting him to listen to me the first time I ask, I give him lots of chances by coming back into the room every five miutes to tell him in my most exasperated voice to PLEASE get dressed. Cuz, "I'm not kidding. We have to leave!"
I have woke up in the morning reminding myself that doing this is not effective parenting and that today Nate will get one chance to listen. I'm going to remember to offer the choice to listen or have a time out, and I am going to follow through. And I do it. And it makes the point for a day or so only until I realize that a few days have past and I'm back to coming into the room and telling him more than once to please get dressed. And soon it occurs to me that I've been so inconsistant that even getting refocused and offering the choices isn't really effective any more.
It's when it has gotten to this point that I realize the time has come to turn "listening to mommy or daddy when we say it's time to get dressed" into a temporary absolute. Abolutes are those things that you don't get to make choices over. They are an immediate consequence for the sake of breaking a pattern of behavior. We keep a very small handful of things forever absolutes like hitting, biting, swearing (if needed)...generally those things that purposefully hurt another person. When an absoulte is broken, it is an immediate consequence. No discussion. For a preschooler like Nate, it's usually a time out. So for instance, if he were to push me out of anger, I would say firmly, "No pushing Mommy! Time out!" When used correctly, absolutes can often break a behovior, such as hitting within a very short amount of time.
As parents, we don't have many absoultes because we want kids t0 take responsibility for their behavior, we want to give them a sense of control over their lives, and we want them to learn to make choices so that they are prepared for making the millions of choices they will have to make on their own in their lifetime. Overall, studies show that offering choices and following through with logical consequences is the best way to change behavior and for long-term learning to occur. But ocassionally, and I emphasize the occasionally, we need to institue a more pure behaior managment-type approach and turn a behavior that is chronic into an absolute temporarily. This way, the pattern in poor behavior can be broken and reset to a level that reinstituting choices for that behavior again can be effective.
I realized this morning that often times turning something into a temporary absolute is as beneficial for me, the parent, as it is for my child. Because, Nate's failure to not listen to me is mostly my fault. I have not been consistant in my expectations for when he needs to get dressed. I have not done a good job of letting him know that when I say "It's time to get dressed" he knows it's in his interest to do that "right now." He knows that usually I'm going to come in and tell him three or four more times before I really insist that he gets dressed. I need to get us BOTH on the right path again.
So, this morning one of the first things I told him was, "Nate, starting today, when I tell you it's time to get your clothes on, you need to do it right away. If you don't, it will be an immediate time out." This is my way of informing him that and absolute has been instituted so I'm not blindsiding him with it later. We ate breakfast. And we talked about what was on TV. And then I told him it was time to get dressed. I didn't leave the room. I waited to see what he was going to do. And my sweet little boy huffed and sat on the couch with his arms crossed in defiance.
"Bummer. Time out, Bud for not listening and getting dressed when I asked you."
I picked him up an put him on the stairs without any further discussion. He sat there for his four minutes. When it was done, I asked him why he was in time out. He correctly told me he was there for not listening when I told him to get dressed. I reminded him that I did tell him that if he chose not to listen to me when I told him it was time to get dressed that it would be an immediate time out. He remembered. And when I asked if he was ready to make a different choice, he said he would go get dressed right now. And he did.
I will remind him again of the absolute tonight before it's time to get ready for bed. I will remind him again tomorrow morning and evening as well. And depending on how things go, decide if I can move back to lifting the absoulte and reinstating the choice of, "Are you going to listen and get dressed or are you going to have a time out?"
My guess is that by Wednesday we will both be back on the right track. And then it will be up to me to stay consistant so that we don't have to do this again.
Being consistent is hard, isn't it? It's so easy to slip into bad patterns and hope that our kids will still do as we say without us putting much effort into it. Yet, being inconsistent usually results in taking up MORE of our time in the long run and getting us MORE frustrated with our kids. Where do you need to be more consistent with your kids' behavior?
I have found myself, like most parents, getting lazy and instead of expecting him to listen to me the first time I ask, I give him lots of chances by coming back into the room every five miutes to tell him in my most exasperated voice to PLEASE get dressed. Cuz, "I'm not kidding. We have to leave!"
I have woke up in the morning reminding myself that doing this is not effective parenting and that today Nate will get one chance to listen. I'm going to remember to offer the choice to listen or have a time out, and I am going to follow through. And I do it. And it makes the point for a day or so only until I realize that a few days have past and I'm back to coming into the room and telling him more than once to please get dressed. And soon it occurs to me that I've been so inconsistant that even getting refocused and offering the choices isn't really effective any more.
It's when it has gotten to this point that I realize the time has come to turn "listening to mommy or daddy when we say it's time to get dressed" into a temporary absolute. Abolutes are those things that you don't get to make choices over. They are an immediate consequence for the sake of breaking a pattern of behavior. We keep a very small handful of things forever absolutes like hitting, biting, swearing (if needed)...generally those things that purposefully hurt another person. When an absoulte is broken, it is an immediate consequence. No discussion. For a preschooler like Nate, it's usually a time out. So for instance, if he were to push me out of anger, I would say firmly, "No pushing Mommy! Time out!" When used correctly, absolutes can often break a behovior, such as hitting within a very short amount of time.
As parents, we don't have many absoultes because we want kids t0 take responsibility for their behavior, we want to give them a sense of control over their lives, and we want them to learn to make choices so that they are prepared for making the millions of choices they will have to make on their own in their lifetime. Overall, studies show that offering choices and following through with logical consequences is the best way to change behavior and for long-term learning to occur. But ocassionally, and I emphasize the occasionally, we need to institue a more pure behaior managment-type approach and turn a behavior that is chronic into an absolute temporarily. This way, the pattern in poor behavior can be broken and reset to a level that reinstituting choices for that behavior again can be effective.
I realized this morning that often times turning something into a temporary absolute is as beneficial for me, the parent, as it is for my child. Because, Nate's failure to not listen to me is mostly my fault. I have not been consistant in my expectations for when he needs to get dressed. I have not done a good job of letting him know that when I say "It's time to get dressed" he knows it's in his interest to do that "right now." He knows that usually I'm going to come in and tell him three or four more times before I really insist that he gets dressed. I need to get us BOTH on the right path again.
So, this morning one of the first things I told him was, "Nate, starting today, when I tell you it's time to get your clothes on, you need to do it right away. If you don't, it will be an immediate time out." This is my way of informing him that and absolute has been instituted so I'm not blindsiding him with it later. We ate breakfast. And we talked about what was on TV. And then I told him it was time to get dressed. I didn't leave the room. I waited to see what he was going to do. And my sweet little boy huffed and sat on the couch with his arms crossed in defiance.
"Bummer. Time out, Bud for not listening and getting dressed when I asked you."
I picked him up an put him on the stairs without any further discussion. He sat there for his four minutes. When it was done, I asked him why he was in time out. He correctly told me he was there for not listening when I told him to get dressed. I reminded him that I did tell him that if he chose not to listen to me when I told him it was time to get dressed that it would be an immediate time out. He remembered. And when I asked if he was ready to make a different choice, he said he would go get dressed right now. And he did.
I will remind him again of the absolute tonight before it's time to get ready for bed. I will remind him again tomorrow morning and evening as well. And depending on how things go, decide if I can move back to lifting the absoulte and reinstating the choice of, "Are you going to listen and get dressed or are you going to have a time out?"
My guess is that by Wednesday we will both be back on the right track. And then it will be up to me to stay consistant so that we don't have to do this again.
Being consistent is hard, isn't it? It's so easy to slip into bad patterns and hope that our kids will still do as we say without us putting much effort into it. Yet, being inconsistent usually results in taking up MORE of our time in the long run and getting us MORE frustrated with our kids. Where do you need to be more consistent with your kids' behavior?
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