How Do You Know Your Mom Loves You (reprise)

Yes, this is cheating a bit. I am reposting one of my very first posts on this blog. It seemed appropriate given that Valentine’s Day is this weekend. If you have followed us on the Xylem Family Resource fan page on Facebook, you know that we’ve been doing a “14 Days of Love” challenge trying to add to a list of things we love about each person in our family until we have a list of 14 things by Valentine’s Day. So, while thinking about this season, I thought again about this post and decided to share it again to remind myself of these words and encourage and inspire you. By the way, this was written before my sweet Samantha was born. She’s not mentioned in this post, but rest assured, I am just as in love with her! =) Enjoy!

Posted 2/24/09

I just filled out one of those things that get passed around on Facebook. On this one, I had to ask my daughter a variety of questions about me and then write down the answers she gave.

One of the questions Isabella had to answer was “What is something Mom always says to you?” Isabella answered, “That she loves me.” Another question was, “How do you know your Mom loves you? Isabella answered, “Because she keeps telling me.”

I love that she answered these questions this way and without hesitation. It is so important to me that my kids DO know I love them. And I strongly believe that a parent can never tell their child too many times that they love them.

So, Isabella is right. I do tell her all the time. I always make sure it’s the last thing my kids hear from me before I leave or before they go somewhere. I say it before they go to bed. I will randomly say it for no particular reason when we’re driving in the car and there’s a lull in the conversation. I tell them when they’ve done something that makes me smile. I tell them as I kiss away their tears.

“I love you” is spoken when I find myself remembering I love them, like when they sing a really sweet song or turn into complete goof-balls making me laugh. And I especially love saying “I love you” when I got one of my kids all to myself, cuddled on the couch, no reason at all, and I can just whisper it quietly in their ear like it’s our little secret.

But, while I may tell my kids that I love them more than the average parent, I know that most parents tell their kids they love them, too. And I bet if we took a large group of kids and asked them how they know their mom loves them, many of them would say, “because she tells me.”

When I taught third grade, I had a girl in my class who it turned out was being horrifically sexually abused by her dad. Fortunately, the dad was easily convicted and sent to jail. While the rest of us were jumping for joy, my sweet student began grieving. She would stay after school and tell me how much she missed her dad. She would tell me she loved him. And despite all the things this man did to his little girl, my student would tell me how much her dad loved her. Because, even children who are abused believe at some level that their parents love them. Unfortunately, their understanding of a parent’s love for their child is twisted and distorted.

I have even worked with many families who tell their kids they love them maybe once or twice a day at the routine times, possibly more given the circumstances. But when I ask their kids why do your parents love you, they get stuck, or they’ll tell me because they’re supposed to, or because their parents feed them and take care of them.

Knowing this. Seeing this. It motivates me with own my kids.

I want my kids to know that I love them not just because I’m their mom and all moms love their kids. I don’t want my kids to know that I love them just because I tell them. I don’t want my kids to know I love them because I take care of them and buy them things and keep them safe. All of these do show them to some degree that I love them. But I want them to know I love them because they are lovable human beings. That it is them as a unique person that I love.

I love their blue eyes and blond hair and their little belly buttons. I love Nate’s soft high-pitched laugh. I could listen to it all day. I love Isabella’s enthusiasm for knowledge and how excited she gets when she learns something new. I love watching them play together and being loving and caring toward each other. I love their hearts and how they want to share and care for others. I love watching Isabella swing and the look of pure happiness as she goes higher and higher. I love how Nate is so much a boy in so many ways but loves more than anyone to give hugs and kisses and to just cuddle. These are the things I also tell them all the time. The specifics. The “why” behind my love. So there’s never a doubt that I love my kids, and there’s never an assumption that I love them because I have to.

I love Isabella because I love Isabella. I love Nate because I love Nate. And I want to make sure that my kids know that my love for them is more than just a mom loving her kids. And my hope is that if Isabella had to give more than just a quick answer to the question “How do you know your mom loves you?” she would be able to say so much more than “because she keeps telling me.”

"No" At Christmas

Can you relate to this scene?

Walking through the mall, doing some last minute Christmas shopping with Nate, we passed a woman who was doing balloon animals. Admittedly, they were pretty amazing creations. And there were a lot of parents purchasing one for their child in exchange for a donation to the charity she was supporting.

Nate really wanted one. I said, “No.” He did not like that answer.

The whining began. “Mom, I reaaallly want one! You never let me get one of those! And I want one today!”

To which I responded, “I hear ya, Bud. But not today,” and continued to walk away.

Nate’s face transformed. Brows furrowed. Lips pouty. Eyes glaring. He stuck his foot in front of the stroller to stop it and firmly repeated, “I want a balloon!” It actually surprised me a bit, my five-year-old acting like he was two. Normally Nate doesn’t behave like this. Apparently, he was in a mood to test the boundaries this day.

I know I’m not alone in this type of experience with my kids. I see similar scenarios all the time between other parents and their kids. What they choose to do next dictates what lies ahead. For some, the argument continues and escalates as parent and child engage in a power struggle that includes more crying, yelling, embarrassment, maybe even physical interactions. For others, in effort to avoid the power struggle, the parent gives in, even though they may try to make themselves feel like this isn’t the case by stating something like, “If you don’t calm down you’re not getting anything” or “If I get you the balloon then you can’t have ‘X’ later. Is that OK with you?” The child learns that they are ultimately the one in control and can just throw a temper tantrum (or threaten to have one) to get what they want. Parent is left frustrated. Child is left with a feeling of entitlement. The relationship between the two is damaged. And the scenario will happen again.

That doesn’t work for me. I get that Nate is five and doesn’t understand why sometimes I say no to things he wants. I get that he thinks the balloon animals are cool and really does want one. However, he needs to learn that he can’t always get what he wants. And he definitely needs to know that this kind of behavior is not going to get him success.

So, I immediately stopped in my tracks, grabbed his arm and pulled him to me. I squatted down to his level and talked so only he could hear me, but firmly because I wanted him to know that I was serious.

“Nate, I know you want a balloon. But today we are not getting one. Instead, I am choosing to spend my money on other Christmas gifts for you. I love you very much. And I want to get you nice things that I know you will enjoy. When I’m not treated with respect, it doesn’t make me very excited to buy any gifts. Remember that Mommy and Daddy take good care of you. And you will be getting a lot of wonderful gifts in just a few days from lots of people who love you. You do not need a balloon animal today and my answer is, “No”. Do you understand?” Nate nodded his head.

I continued, “Now I need an apology from you for the way you were acting because that is not OK.” Nate apologized.

“OK, Bud. Thank you for saying,’sorry.’” I gave him a hug and told him I loved him. Then we got up to go catch up with Dad and Isabella.

This worked quickly and effectively because this is a common interaction between me and my kids. They know that I understand where they’re coming from. They know that I usually will give them a reason behind my ”no” so it doesn’t just feel arbitrary to them. But my kids also know that I am consistent with my “no.” They know that if they push beyond the final “no” I will also be consistent with a consequence like “time out”, even if we’re in the middle of a busy mall.

Kids wanting and asking is inevitable, especially at Christmastime when there are so many exciting things potentially available to them. But that does not mean the power struggles are inevitable, or the meltdowns, or the frustrations, or the empty wallet. It is OK to say no in a firm but loving way and still have a Merry Christmas!

Don’t forget your consistency this Christmas. And don’t forget to enjoy this special time with your children!

Christmas is About Giving

One of the questions I get a lot around the holidays is how to help children realize that Christmas is not just about toys. Many parents get really frustrated with the consumerism mentality of Christmas. I don’t think there is one answer to this question. But I thought I’d share some of the things we do in our family around this issue.

To begin with, I don’t think it’s the presents that are the problem at Christmas. In fact, the gifts are an important part of the symbolism of what Christmas is really about. However, it’s also important to me that my kids don’t see Christmas as one big Gift Getting day. As a result, we’ve tried to be very intentional about helping the kids understand that while receiving gifts is a lot of fun, Christmas is actually about the GIVING of gifts.

Here are some of the things we do to encourage a different mindset about Christmas presents:

1. We teach our kids that we give gifts to others to show our love for them. We do this in response to the gift of love that God gave to us when he gave us his son. We talk about this several times leading up to Christmas including having the kids remind us all about this before we open any presents on Christmas morning.

2. We encourage the kids to make a list of the people in their lives that they want to show love to this Christmas. We ask them to think about each person and what that person might really like to receive for Christmas. Having the kids think about each person and what they could do or give to them to show them love encourages our kids to keep the focus on others. My kids actually LOVE this process.

3. My children are always involved in picking out the gift that will be from them. Yes, it is way easier to go shopping on my own and just write their name on the tag of the gift I bought (whispering in their ear what the item is before the gift is opened so they know what it is). But doing it this way only reinforces that it’s just about getting a gift and not the thought behind it.

4. Instead of lots of gifts to our kids, we give a few thoughtful gifts (one gift from Santa and two gifts from us). My kids are not deprived of gifts by any means. Between siblings, grandparents, aunts, and friends my kids get more than enough presents at Christmas.

5. Gift tags don’t just say, “To:” and “From:”. We also include something on there about how much we love them and what they mean to us. We encourage our kids to do the same on their tags.

6. Instead of just adding to the piles of toys in their room each Christmas, we encourage our kids to give away older toys before Christmas. We offer one dollar for every toy they give away. The money received is used to help them buy gifts for their friends, siblings or cousins. More importantly, it provides an opportunity to talk about those less fortunate than us and the things that we can do (like donating) to help those in need.

7. We try to provide other ways for the kids to make some money so that they really feel like the gift is from them (not to mention the other life skills they learn from this process). Our kids are still young enough that we will help supplement the cost of a gift if needed.

8. We realized a few years ago that we spent all of December talking about the meaning of Christmas, celebrating Advent, reminding the kids about why we buy gifts for others, etc. and then Christmas morning came and the focus was all on opening gifts and eating food. So, we moved the reading of the Christmas story from the Bible to Christmas morning before gifts were opened as a lead in to why we were about to share gifts with one another. I have liked this new tradition in my family. I would like to think of some other things we can do Christmas Day as well that keeps the day Christ-focused as well.

These are just some of the things we do to help teach our kids that Christmas is not just about all the presents you get. I am very proud of my children that they seem to understand this. I love watching them be just as excited about the gifts they plan to give as they are thinking about what they might get from others this year. And I love that I don’t have children left with a feeling of entitlement over the holidays. It is so much fun to celebrate Christmas with my kids, giving them gifts because I love them, not because I have to, and receiving gifts from them that they have put thought into and are excited to give. It has proven to me that it is definitely possible to celebrate Christmas with children and it not just be all about the presents and consumerism.

I KNOW that you out there have some great ideas and traditions that you do that help your children with this same issue. Please share them. I am always looking for more ideas for my family and to share with others!

Yes, There is a Santa Claus

My kids believe in Santa. Santa is part of our Christmas celebration. My kids also know inside and out what Christmas is really about. I don't worry that letting our kids believe in Santa overshadows the birth of Jesus or will damage them in the long run.

Why and How? First, I would say that Santa is 10% of our overall Holiday experience. Our kids visit Santa at the mall (we tell them that this is not the real Santa, but a Santa's helper with direct connection to the "real" Santa. So telling the mall santa what they want for Christmas is like telling the "real" Santa). But the majority of the talk about Santa happens Christmas Eve as we write a letter to him welcoming him to our home, leave out cookies and milk (and carrots for the reindeer) and encourage our excited children to go to sleep so Santa can come. In the morning, stockings have been filled and Santa has left one special present for each of them wrapped in different paper, usually their "big" present; the present they most wanted. Santa also leaves a note for them by the empty cookie plate thanking them for being such wonderful children, highlighting some of the things he noticed this year when they had been "good", and encouraging them to keep up the great job. He has also left for them in the past a bag of birdseed asking them to help take care of the birds in our neighborhood. Outside, there are carrot crumbs left on the ground and our cars from the messy reindeer. We do these things and have fun with them. My kids are still young enough that they believe in it all (although I think this may be the last year for Isabella). And I let them.

But my kids also understand that Santa is just a part of the celebration of Jesus' birth, like the pinata at a birthday party. We tell the kids that Santa does what he does because he wants to participate in the giving of gifts just as God gave to us. Yes, Santa celebrates the birth of Christ. This is why we do only one gift from Santa. It's not about getting lots of gifts from him, rather it's about Santa participating in giving gifts to us just as we give gifts to each other in response to God giving us the greatest gift ever. More on gift giving in a future post.

The majority of our focus as a family during the Christmas season is around Advent, the meaning of the candles that we light every night at dinner, the Advent book that we read every night before bed that leads us up to Bethlehem (we use Advent Storybook by Antonie Schneider. Perfect for preschoolers, but my first-grader still enjoys the simple stories each night) and the retelling of the Christmas Story throughout the days and weeks before Christmas.

We have a very special nativity set that is a major focus in our living room to look at and visually remind us as a family what the season is about. And we have a plastic nativity set that is just for our kids to play with and set up however they choose.

I model for them that while I have fun singing Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, my favorite Christmas song is O Holy Night because of the amazing words that speak of Christ's birth. And our favorite Christmas movie is A Charlie Brown Christmas with Linus' explanation of what Christmas is all about.

The point is, Santa is a part of our celebration, he is not the celebration. My kids know this. They haven't lost the true meaning of Christmas. However, they still participate in the magic and childhood imagination of Santa Claus.

There is a lot of research out there on the effects of discovering the truth about Santa on kids including how this may impact a child's belief in God. There is also research that a belief in Santa can actually have some positive effects on children developmentally. I have shared some of this information on the Xylem Family Resource Facebook page on our wall and also as a discussion topic "To Santa or Not to Santa, That is the Question". If you haven't already, I encourage you to take a look at some of this information.

I know this is a hot topic. Because this is the way we do it in our family does not necessarily mean that this is the "right" way or the "best" way. It's A way. I've chosen to do it this way after a lot of thought and consideration and it seems to be a great balance for the kids. Let me know what questions you have!

Thankful For My Family

Are you thankful for your family? I don't necessarily mean all your aunts and uncles, brothers and sisters, mom and dad. I mean specifically your nuclear family; your spouse and your kids.

Now I'm sure for many of you your first reaction is ,"Of course". And I don't doubt you. But what about your family makes you thankful? To answer that question, most of us usually have to pause and really ponder the list.

I've asked families in the past to list for me ten things they are thankful for in regards to their family. Most people think this will be an easy assignment...until they get to number five or six. Coming up with a whole list of ten things makes us really have to stop and ponder. It's even harder if the assignment is changed to require ten things you're thankful for regarding each individual in your family.

Why? Because it is so easy to focus on what we're not content with in our family. My house isn't big enough. My daughter is exceptionally dramatic these days. When my son isn't being whiny, he's challenging the rules of the house. My husband is working too much these days. Coming up with a list of ten things I'm not thankful for is pretty easy.

But research shows that our attitude toward a person or a situation is largely influenced by our positive or negative energy put toward it. In fact, the chemicals released in the body when we're thinking negative thoughts are different than the ones released when we think positive. That's right. There is actually a physiological effect in our body that occurs depending on our attitude toward something. If our thoughts and attitudes can have physical effects on our bodies, it's no wonder that they can in turn effect how we treat the ones we love and the things that we have.

I was really struck by remembering this today. I looked around my house. It's a mess and I'm not very motivate to clean it up. But for the past year I have also been very discontent with my house. In fact, I have said out loud that I hate my house. And I think my negative attitude that I keep toward my house has translated into a half-hearted way of taking care of it. If I can see the effect of my attitude on my house, what would it look like if I had a negative attitude toward my husband? My kids?

And this is why I'm encouraging myself and you to purposely, intentionally, make a list of at least ten things that you are thankful for. I know that some of you may have a hard time even getting started. You're thankful for your family in theory, but family is stressful right now. Maybe your marriage is rocky or your kids seem challenging. But even if it takes you all day, try to come up with at least ten ways to be thankful for your family.

To show that I am really trying to practice what I preach, here are my lists. I'd love to see your lists, too if you are willing to share them. Put them in the comment section below or feel free to e-mail them to me at tara@xylemfamily.org.

Happy Thanksgiving!

My Husband:
1. I am thankful that my husband loves being a father and intentionally is a part of their lives.
2. I am thankful that my husband loves me and goes out of his way to show me that is true.
3. I am thankful that my husband truly believes we are a parenting team and is an equal participant in raising our kids.
4. I am thankful my husband loves to cook and is a fabulous cook and as a result my family gets awesome meals on a regular basis. I'm particularly thankful for this because I HATE cooking and am not very good at it.
5. I am thankful that my husband believes that me staying home to be available for our children is important and never has thought twice about the sacrifices we have had to make in order to make that happen.
6. I am thankful that my husband enjoys hanging out with me and actually has fun with me.
7. I am thankful that my husband and I have the same sense of humor. Without him, I don't know who I would laugh with.
8. I am thankful that my husband not only has a job but loves his job.
9. I am thankful that my husband works hard at his job and is ambitious about continuing to grow within his company so that our family can live even beyond comfortably.
10. I am thankful that my husband gets up in the middle of the night with our baby to bring her to me so that it's easier for me to go back to sleep and that he takes her away in the morning when he can so I can get few extra minutes of sleep.

All of my kids:
1. I am thankful that my kids are healthy.
2. I am thankful that my kids have not had significant harm physically, emotionally or spiritually.
3. I am thankful that my kids love to smile and laugh.
4. I am thankful that my kids love each other.
5. I am thankful that my kids enjoy being with other people.
6. I am thankful that people enjoy being with my kids.
7. I am thankful that my kids have sweet hearts that allow them to care for others.
8. I am thankful that my kids are bonded to me and my husband in a healthy way.
9. I am thankful that each one of my kids add something unique to our family.
10. I am thankful that my kids love me as much as I love them.

Talking to Kids About Easter

I love holidays. My kids do, too. I think it's because it gives us something exciting to anticipate. They provide a break from the everyday routine of life. And holidays give us an extra reason to connect with each other in different ways...dreaming about the magic of leprechauns, staying up late to watch fireworks while eating Popsicles in the park, and going for Easter egg hunts. There is so much of a focus on the "fun" of holidays, that it's easy for kids to think that having fun is all they are about. But as a parent, I want my kids to understand WHY we're celebrating a given holiday without taking away the fun.

Easter is a perfect example of trying to strike this balance with my kids. I let my kids believe in the Easter Bunny. We dye Easter eggs. They get Easter baskets (while containing some candy, they usually contain a new spring outfit, a new CD or video, and a small toy to avoid the sugar rush I know they'll get when they visit Grandma later that day). We make a big deal out of the egg hunt. We give gifts of flowers because it's spring. I do these things with my kids because they are traditional, and cultural, and a part of Easter that I'm not going to pretend doesn't exist with my kids. Not only are these traditions, in my opinion, important to pass on to my children, but they are a big part of what make the celebration of Easter FUN. Besides, I don't want my kids to grow up resenting me for robbing them of these experiences and as a result resent the spiritual importance of the holiday as well.

All that being said, I try to be very intentional with the language and conversations I have with my kids regarding the Easter holiday. Leading up to Easter, we talk about the events that took place long ago in a variety of ways. This year, as one example, I had received a sticker activity that had the kids place various stickers on a village scene for every event that took place leading up to, and ending with, the empty tomb as I read the story. It was all in very kid-friendly language and the kids totally got into it. Stories with stickers are aways a hit in my house!

Around the time they start asking about dying eggs, I use the opportunity to ask them if they remember what eggs have to do with Easter. Then we have a brief discussion about some of the reasons eggs are a symbol of the holiday(an example of new life and an illustration, albeit incomplete one, of the trinity). I've talked to them about Lent and what the purpose of that time is, and have been very open about how I have chosen to participate in the Lent season and why. Yesterday, I reminded them excitedly that it was Palm Sunday and we discussed what the palm leaves and shouts of HOSANNA were all about, not leaving this just to their Sunday school teacher to explain. I should also point out that none of these discussions are boring lectures that my kids have to endure. They are brief. They come up casually in conversation. And I often ask them more questions to see what THEY know rather than provide all the answers.

This week, I look forward to discussing Passover and the Last Supper when we have a Maundy Thursday gathering this week. And on Friday, I'll make sure to discuss the importance of the day with my kids before sending them to school. Saturday, as we dye eggs, we will discuss what it's like to have to wait for something special and reflect on what it must have been like for all of Jesus' friends to think he was dead, not knowing that he was going to come back to life the next day. And on Easter Sunday, I will make sure that my kids know the tradition of greeting someone with "He is Risen" and expecting a "He is Risen Indeed" in return (my daughter in particular always gets a kick out of that one).

By being intentional about the SPIRITUAL meaning behind Easter for us, then it's really easy to add in the rest under the context of celebrating a very important day. The food, the flowers, the egg hunt, the gifts, are all a part of the party. It's a party that even the Easter bunny is a part of. Because, after all, the Easter Bunny is so excited about celebrating Jesus' resurrection that he wants everyone to have fun celebrating by playing a fun game of "Find the Easter Egg", a game intended to bring us all together. And isn't being united one of the purposes of the cross? Plus, doesn't every good party involve a fun game?

Instead of being fearful that my kids will miss the point of Easter if I allow the Easter Bunny and candy to creep in, I embrace these and use them as part of the bigger meaning of the day. As a result, my kids can tell you what Easter is really all about AND they think of Easter as one of their favorite holidays.

How do you celebrate Easter with your kids? What ideas do you have for striking a good balance between the fun activities and the spiritual significance of the day? Leave a comment below.