Are Kids Allowed to Get Angry?

Are kids allowed to get angry?

It may seem like a silly question at face value. I would guess that most of us would answer, "of course" to that question. And yet, parents often respond to their child's anger as if they have no right to feel that emotion.

Think about it. Your preschooler has an absolute meltdown when you say it's time to leave the park even though you've been there two hours. The child is clearly angry that it is time to leave. But what do we say as a parent? "Stop that! You are being dramatic. This is not something to have a meltdown about. We've been here for two hours and it's time to go. If you don't cut it out we're not coming back next time!"

Or, your seven-year-old is mad at her friend because she's not playing fair. Your child is crying, arms crossed, flung on the couch, full of frustration. Response? "Your friend is here to play with you. If you can't figure it out, then we'll just send your friend home. You're being ridiculous!"

We even have similar responses to our babies who get angry. Your exhausted little one still protests in anger when you dare to try to get them to go to sleep. "Come on," we sigh in exasperation. "You are so tired. Just take your binky and go to sleep already!"

We get stuck with our kids' anger when we expect that what gets us angry should also get our children angry (messy rooms, homework not getting completed, etc.) and what isn't a big deal to us also shouldn't be a big deal to our child (leaving the park after hours of playtime, waiting until after dinner for the cookie, etc.).

But our kids aren't us. And what is important to them isn't necessarily what's important to us. Further, kids have a right to feel angry over the things that are important to them whether we understand their reasons or not. Just like us adults, nothing is more frustrating to a child than being told you aren't allowed to feel what you feel or having your emotions dismissed as being childish.

That being said, children do need to handle their anger appropriately. But they need to learn how, and this is where parents often fail. Unfortunately, parents tend to put energy into trying to get their children to stop feeling angry instead of teaching their children what to DO when they feel angry.

Here are some tips to help you teach your kids to be angry without making life miserable for everyone else.

1. Anger is a secondary emotion. That means we feel it after we feel something else first. Help your child determine their first emotion. Are they hurt? Disappointed? Discouraged? Scared? Feeling out of control? Knowing the first emotion gives you something to talk about and address with them. Recognizing this first emotion helps children feel understood.
2. If you think of degrees of anger as being on a scale of 0 - 10 (zero being not angry at all and ten being the angriest a person can get) don't try to interact or solve a problem with a child who is clearly at "5" or above on that anger scale. Whether you are a child or an adult, no one can think clearly or act appropriately when they are this angry. Provide a cool down spot for your child (removed away from everyone else) for them to stay until they are ready to talk like a "big boy" or "big girl". This is not a punishment. Stay calm and lovingly escort them to their spot explaining what they need to do (calm down so we can talk) and be OK with waiting as long as it takes for them to realize they need to be calm before they get your attention again.
3. Give your child options for what they can do instead when they feel angry. They can say, "I don't like that" instead of "I don't like you". They can jump up and down instead of hitting. They can even say, "That makes me mad!" But they cannot scream, hit, throw a tantrum, break things or make a scene. Let your child know that you will always listen to them when they talk to you appropriately but will not listen when they don't. Then, make this the rule and expectation. Do not let inappropriate ways if handling anger ever be tolerated regardless of where you are or the situation. Never justify or excuse their behavior. Remember, you are preparing them for adulthood. Their future boss will not let them get away with a complete meltdown just because they were tired, or hungry, or not feeling well. Your job is to stay consistent with this expectation so that your child is able to learn how to be angry appropriately now and into adulthood.
4. Talk through their emotion with them. For example, "You're feeling really disappointed that it's time to leave. I understand. You were having a lot of fun. It's OK to feel disappointed. But we'll come again."
5. Redirect their anger in a positive way as soon as you can and let them use their anger to empower them. Questions like, "You don't like the way your friend is playing with you. What are some ways you could solve that problem with your friend?" or "Next time we come to the park, what do you want to make sure you do right away so you don't feel like you run out of time?" or "You feel like you miss out on playtime when it's time to do homework. How could you get your homework done and still feel like you have good playtime?"
6. In the midst of anger, coach your child through appropriate cool down techniques such as taking deep breaths, getting a drink of water, running up and down the stairs, stepping outside for some fresh air, or scribbling on a piece of paper. Doing something physical is the quickest way to calm down. If your child refuses to do any of these things or is too angry to make this decision, choose for your child and put them somewhere removed from everyone until they calm themselves down on their own.
7. Most importantly, make sure that you are modeling appropriate anger behaviors with your children. Children copy the behavior they see their parents do. Don't yell and throw "adult tantrums" when you're angry if you don't want to deal with these same behaviors with your children. Let them see you angry and the steps you take to calm yourself down. They also need to see you act on your anger in a way that positively solves your problem and resolves conflict.

If you don't know how to appropriately handle your own anger and solve your own problems you can't help your children learn these skills either. It's OK to take a class (like those offered at Xylem Family Resource) or seek other resources that can help you learn these skills so that you are able to be a better teacher to your kids. Seeking help does not mean you're a bad parent. It means you're a good one.

Finally, your child doesn't get their way just because they handled their anger appropriately. But when they do and you reward that by taking the time to acknowledge and process their feelings with them it does help them feel valued. And while they may not want to admit it in the moment, that is more important to them in the long run.

Please Stop Talking - A Need for Some Silence

I love that my kids love to talk. They always seem to have so much to say and billions of questions to ask. Working with parents for a living, I know that getting their kids to really talk to them is a challenge to some parents. I must say, that has never been a problem for me. From the time my kids were old enough to start signing words I've always encouraged them to communicate with me. I've listened to their stories and ideas. I've involved them in adult conversations reinforcing with them that they are welcome to contribute to our conversations as long as it relates to what we're talking about. I share my thoughts and ideas with them on a regular basis so that I model for them how to do the same for me.

When I ask them, "What did you do at school today?" I don't want to hear, "Nothing," in return. So, I make of point of telling them as many details as I can about my day in order to model for them the kind of feedback I'd like from them about THEIR day. And it works. My kids tell me a lot. And sometimes I wish I hadn't worked so hard to get my kids to become talkers.

My preschool-age son right now is the worst. Overall, I would not describe Nate as a an extrovert. He likes to spend time by himself. And between him and his sister, I'd say he is the more passive of the two. But stick him in a car with you and the kid will not shut up.

He talks and talks and talks. Half the time I'm not even sure HE knows what he's talking about. What's worse is that you can't really tune him out and let him keep going, because if you don't give any "l'm listening cues" like an occasional "um hmm" or a "that's interesting" he'll call you out on it with a "Mom! MOMMMM!!!" and repeat it over and over louder and louder until you give the appropriate response. (Remind me again why I try to teach good listening and communication skills to my kids, and why those skills that I expect from them they also should expect from me?)

When Nate isn't rambling about some toy he has or his favorite scene in Star Wars, he's bombarding me with a never ending list of questions. "Mom, what's that building?" "What's it for?" "Who works there?" "How do you spell 'candy?'" "What does this spell, 'B-U-R-G-E-R?'" "Are we still in Colorado?" Followed by, " Mom. MOM! MOMMMMMM!"

Then we move into Nate the 4-year-old questioning MY driving. "Mom, the light is green. Why aren't you turning?" "Mom, why did you turn on your blinker?" "Mom, you didn't turn right. This is not how we get home."

Seriously, I want to pull the car over, take him out, and drive away sometimes, and the odds of me feeling this way usually go up after a very long day. I'm tired. I'm hungry. And I could really use just some silence for awhile.

But you know what? That's OK. Because, while I want my kids to feel heard and valued, they also need to respect that sometimes people - ALL people... even moms - need a break from talking. And it's OK to tell people you don't want to talk right now. It's not that I don't love you. It's not that I don't want you to never talk to me again. It's that I just don't have it in me right now to hear you talk anymore. My kids need to also learn to respect other people's feelings and needs, not just expect that people respect theirs.

And so I say, "Nate. I really need you to stop talking to me for a while, Bud. I'm not going to talk to you anymore for the rest of the way home. You are welcome to talk to yourself, but I'm not going to answer any more questions or listen any more to you in the car. I'm just going to listen to the radio." Nate doesn't usually like this and he'll often try to still continue what he was saying or asking. I'll just reply back, "Save it for when we get home, Bud.I'm not talking right now."

And almost always that time of silence is good for all of us.

To comment on: Which is harder for you: To tell your kids to stop talking when you need a break or to get your kids talking in the first place? What makes this hard?