A Parenting Issue or A Relationship Issue?

Today I’m going to post a bit differently than I normally do and address an issue that has been coming up a lot lately with both friends and clients. For simplicity sake, I’m going to write today’s post in the context of marriage. However, for those of you who are single parents still interacting with your child’s other parent, hopefully you will see that the comments below can still apply.

Let me begin by offering some main points:

• It is inevitable that you and your spouse will have different parenting styles to some degree
• Your different styles and approach can and will create tension in your relationship at times
• Healthy relationships will recognize the differences, seek ways to compromise in order to work together as a team, and pursue additional resources that will help them develop a similar approach to parenting their kids
• Couples who are in constant disagreement about the appropriate way to parent their kids are not simply experiencing a parenting issue but a relationship issue
• Kids thrive and have less discipline issues when their parents operate as a team and are constantly working on keeping their own marriage healthy than kids whose parents are in constant opposition to each other

Clear signs you have a RELATIONSHIP ISSUE:

• You are constantly arguing over the “right” way to discipline and raise the kids.
• You have resigned yourself to the fact that you just have different parenting styles, yet feel resentment toward the other parent that this is acceptable
• Whether you realize it or not, you both tend to undermine each others parenting styles in a variety of ways, sometimes blatantly and sometimes quietly once the other parent isn’t looking
• You complain about the other parent’s parenting style or role to your friends and family
• You feel like the parenting roles are completely lop-sided – “good” parent vs “bad” parent, “in charge of the kids” vs “in charge of making money”, “nurturer” vs “playmate”, etc.
• You have said in some form, “Our marriage is fine, it’s just the parenting issues that create problems for us”

There is definitely a wide spectrum for which the above applies. For some, you might be experiencing this on a very small scale. Often times when I experience even just one of the above “symptoms” it’s a cue to me that my husband and I should have a talk about why this is happening and work together to find a way to get our relationship back on track so that we’re a team again.

However, many parents believe that these struggles and frustrations are “just the way it is”. And because everyone keeps saying “marriage is hard” this must be part of the “hard part” where we stay frustrated and miserable with each other hoping that once the kids move out everything will be “back to normal.”

In fact, there is research that estimates that up to 90% of marriages experience a dramatic decrease in marital satisfaction after a baby is born. Your chances that your marriage will end in divorce skyrocket within three years of having a child. The Gottman Institute has known this and has been studying this for many years. Recently, the statistic came back into the news as the University of Denver and Texas came out with similar results.

But it’s not the child itself that causes your marriage to suffer. It’s simply that having a child challenges your relationship in a new and deeper way. Any small weakness that was already there before kids suddenly becomes dramatically amplified once a baby enters the picture. And sometimes issues that didn’t exist in your relationship before suddenly develop because, well, things are different now. Your relationship is challenged in areas it never had to experience before. But the conclusion is not that marital dissatisfaction is close to inevitable and so therefore must be accepted. Because it is clearly possible to have children and actually maintain or increase marital satisfaction. The 10% proof of this is beside the point. I just don’t believe for an instant that the introduction of a child in a relationship was meant to destroy that relationship. That just doesn’t make sense for so many reasons!

Looking beyond research and common sense, annecdotally I know that if you are loving and caring toward each other, and your relationship is a priority, and you both have an attitude of “we’re in this together”, then the challenges that come with having kids are blips on the screen. They don’t damage the relationship. In fact, they actually strengthen the relationship as you grow and sharpen your relationship together.

But if the two of you don’t come together and find resolution, that’s not about the kids. That’s about YOU as a COUPLE. It is a flaw in your relationship that needs to be healed or it’s not going to go away. Eventually, you will find yourself within the 90% of unsatisfied marriages, or worse, divorced somewhere down the road.

So what you can do?

• Stop blaming your differences in parenting for the dissatisfaction of your relationship.
• Set up a private consult for learning effective communication and problem solving skills or attend a workshop together on the topic (visit www.xylemfamily.org for upcoming classes or contact me if you’d like to consult with me directly. There are other organizations that offer similar services as well). Studies show that even taking one class can improve your odds of a happier marriage
• Take parenting classes together
• Try out marriage counseling. Even if you think your relationship is not “that bad”, it can’t hurt to have a third party give you more tools for improving your marriage. Seeing a counselor does not mean you are a failure. No marriage is perfect and we can all use more tools to make our relationships stronger!
• Address the disagreements within your parenting and family roles early when you first experience them. They are much easier to solve at this stage than if you wait until they have grown larger and dug their roots deep.
• If you have let your disagreements effect your relationship for some time that doesn’t mean your relationship is beyond help or repair. Still ask for help.
• It’s OK to ask for help. This is being a good parent, a good wife, a good husband and a strong family.

Your marriage is the most important part of your family. It effects your kids, it effects your parenting, and it effects the overall strength and happiness of your family. Where are the weak points in your marriage? What needs to be strengthened? What are the real issues in your relationship that need to be addressed so that you can focus on being a team and lead your family together? What are you going to do about it?

Thanks for reading.