Is Anyone Else Doing That?

It's important that we provide our kids instruction on appropriate behavior in a variety of ways. One of my favorite teaching tools, and often the most effective, is the "Look around you. Is anyone else doing that?" technique, or more simply, the observation technique.

Here's an example of how I used this parenting strategy recently:

To start with, I get it that it can sometimes be hard for two younger kids to sit still and be patient when you're at a relatively nice restaurant that doesn't immediately put the food in front of you the second you order it or only calls you to the table when the meal is ready to be served. However, going out to dinner is not a foreign concept to my kids. We actually do it about once a week. So I expect that they should know how to behave appropriately in this given situation.

And yet, they're still kids, more often than not in their own little worlds, forgetting that there are rules to follow and not thinking before they do. Which is why on this particular night out my kids had to be reminded again of appropriate behavior.

It started when they realized that the table we were sitting at didn't have legs or a center pole holding it up. It actually was pretty interesting. But in true kid style, they quickly made the connection that they could easily reach their legs to touch the other on the opposite side without anything getting in the way. Slowly my children began to sink deeper and deeper under the table as they tried harder and harder to reach the other who was trying to avoid the feet of their sibling while at the same time trying to touch them with their own feet. The behavior quickly became way inappropriate (and embarrassing). Time to use my teaching strategy.

The first step was making my kids aware that they were doing something out of context for the environment they were in. So I said, "You guys. Stop for a minute. Look around the restaurant. Do you see anyone else here doing what you're doing?" My kids looked around and admitted they didn't. I continued, "Look at the children sitting at that table over there. Do you see them playing around they way you guys are?" Again, they admitted that they didn't.

The next step was to get them to pick up, on their own, the appropriate behavior for the current situation. So next I asked, "What do you see the people in the restaurant doing instead?" I got my kids to verbalize to me the things they saw people doing; eating, talking to the other people at the table, kids coloring, using quiet voices, etc.

Finally, I wanted them to mirror the behavior of the community in the room. So I asked them to show me what the other people in the room look like. Show me how they are they sitting. Show me how they are acting at the table. My kids usually love this part of the "lesson" because it's like acting out a play. They briefly pretended to be various people in the room, mimicking their behavior, sitting tall, copying their mannerisms.

The observation lesson is concluded with lots of praise. "Good job you guys! You are very observant. That's how you guys need to behave, too so that your behavior is appropriate."

It is important that we not just teach kids the right way to behave, but that we also teach them how to pick up on the social cues given by others on the appropriate way to behave by teaching them to observe their surroundings. After all, we won't always be there in every situation to coach them on the appropriate way to behave. We need to teach our kids how to figure this out on their own.

The other great advantage of this teaching technique is that it helps you keep your cool as a parent. Because I'm not scolding or offering consequences or repeating myself over and over it's easy to stay in conversation mode which in turn helps me be a better teacher and my kids better able to respond to the "lesson". It ends up being a fun experience for all of us as we become more aware of our surroundings and have family conversation about it. The end result is a higher success rate than if we had to approach the behavior a different way. Usually having this conversation just once in a given situation is enough to keep my kids' behavior at a more appropriate and manageable level.

I love this strategy and use it often in a variety of contexts; at the grocery store, at church, at school performances, the library, just about anywhere. You can even use the same strategy in reverse when encountering another child who is misbehaving. When this happens I might say to my kids, "What is that child doing that the rest of us aren't?" "What should they be doing instead?"

Try this parenting tip out. Then let me know how it worked for you!

Consistency is a Parent's Responsibility

All of these are true stories recently witnessed:

Scene 1: A mom is with her two-and-a-half-year-old getting ready to have some ice-cream. The little girl, full of energy, does not want to stay seated. The mom however is requiring that her little one sit properly at the table in order to get the ice-cream. "If you want the ice cream you need to sit down first, " mom says. The toddler briefly sits then pops back up on her feet. "No," says mom, "you have to sit down if you want the ice-cream." This time mom picks up her daughter and sits her down. Then she places the ice-cream in front of her. Within seconds, the little girl is back to standing on her chair, eating ice-cream not sitting down. This time mom says a little firmer, "If you don't sit down I'm going to take the ice-cream away." The little girl sits. Maybe two minutes pass. The two-year-old is back on her feet. Mom is now angry. "Sit down!" mom snarls as she pushes her little girl back onto her bottom. "I'm serious. I will take your ice-cream away if you get up again."

Scene 2: A girl of about eight-years-old is walking out of the Home Depot with her family. Dad and brother are slightly ahead. One gets the impression that it has not been the most pleasant of family experiences to the store as dad is quiet and walking briskly to the car while an exasperated mom is holding on tightly to her daughter's arm and quietly scolding her. The daughter has a smile on her face, almost a look of triumph. Somehow she releases herself from her mother's grip and begins to skip off. But in her thrill of escaping mom, she forgets to watch where she's going and almost runs into a group of people walking into the store. Mom, absolutely furious, growls at her, "How many times do I have to tell you to cut it out?" Mom grabs the daughter's arm again but within seconds the girl has wriggled free and is now giggling as she runs to catch up with her dad.

Scene 3: A dad is picking up his kids from school. There is maybe 3 years difference between the two boys. The two brothers begin almost immediately picking on one another, pushing and hitting. While the two occasionally seem to be having fun, it's clear that the goal is to hurt the other. Dad, almost looking embarrassed at the display his boys are doing in front of the other parents and kids tells them to stop. They boys act as if they didn't even hear him. Dad tries again, "Come on you guys. That's enough." The boys pause, but within seconds are still fighting to see who can get the last hit in. Again, dad tries to intervene, this time raising his voice a bit. "Boys. Cut it out. I mean it!" The boys stop. The youngest one hides behind dad. The older one waits a moment for dad to turn his attention back to his Blackberry at which point he picks up a rock and throws it at his little brother. The rock hits his brother in the arm who then immediately wails out in pain. Now furious, dad grabs his older son and yells, "What is wrong with you? I told you to cut it out! Now apologize to your brother right now!" Older brother, with every bit of sarcasm in his voice says, "Sorry". As the family leaves, the two boys are seen trying to sneak small hits and jabs at each other all the way back to the car.

Three different stories. Three different ages of children involved. Yet all three have the same thing in common. Consistency. Did any of these children really believe what their parents were telling them? Did the toddler believe that her mom would really take the ice-cream away? Did the girl think there was any reason to listen to her mom? Did the boys really believe there would be any consequence if they didn't stop fighting? And do they think that it's really all that important to their dad that they don't hit each other? The answer to all of these is "NO". In fact, the kids in all the situations are probably thinking, "Why should I not do what I want to do? You're not going to do anything about it except talk at me. And I can handle that if it means I can still do what I want."

When I find myself getting more and more frustrated with my kids because they're not doing what I asked them to do, it's almost always a sign to me that I am doing a bad job parenting. It's MY fault they aren't listening to me. If I've gotten frustrated and mad at my kids, it's often MY fault that I have let the behavior go on so long. If my kids don't believe I'm serious they're not going to do what I said. Just assuming kids should listen to us because we're the parents is a sure path to parenting misery. Kids don't work that way. Even ADULTS don't work that way.
It's just like the country road that says "55mph." Almost everyone goes way over that speed limit when they're on that road because they know that there are never any cops on it. They know they will get away with driving fast on it every time. But as soon as that road starts getting patrolled, and cars start getting pulled over for speeding, everyone makes sure that they're gong as close to 55mph as possible. Because now they know "they mean it" when the sign says to drive 55mph.

With our kids, we need to be consistent in what we expect from them and follow through immediately with what we say we're going to do. If we want them to stop, we need to make sure they stop the first time we've asked them. If they don't get ice-cream unless they're sitting, then we take away the ice-cream the second they stand up again. If we think leaving a store for bad behavior is a consequence we're willing to threaten with but won't ever really do, then it's up to us to think of a different consequence. Because kids will pick up really quickly on the fact that we don't REALLY mean what we say. But they will also pick up just as quickly that we do.

I want my kids to know without any doubt that when I say it's time to stop, they know I'm serious. When I say a certain consequence will happen if they don't make a different choice, I want my kids to know that I mean it. Every time.

It's my responsibilty to make sure my kids learn this by staying consistent with what I say and do.

In the comment space below, share an example with us of a time you showed your consistency with your kids. Your comments help encourage us all.

A Parenting Issue or A Relationship Issue?

Today I’m going to post a bit differently than I normally do and address an issue that has been coming up a lot lately with both friends and clients. For simplicity sake, I’m going to write today’s post in the context of marriage. However, for those of you who are single parents still interacting with your child’s other parent, hopefully you will see that the comments below can still apply.

Let me begin by offering some main points:

• It is inevitable that you and your spouse will have different parenting styles to some degree
• Your different styles and approach can and will create tension in your relationship at times
• Healthy relationships will recognize the differences, seek ways to compromise in order to work together as a team, and pursue additional resources that will help them develop a similar approach to parenting their kids
• Couples who are in constant disagreement about the appropriate way to parent their kids are not simply experiencing a parenting issue but a relationship issue
• Kids thrive and have less discipline issues when their parents operate as a team and are constantly working on keeping their own marriage healthy than kids whose parents are in constant opposition to each other

Clear signs you have a RELATIONSHIP ISSUE:

• You are constantly arguing over the “right” way to discipline and raise the kids.
• You have resigned yourself to the fact that you just have different parenting styles, yet feel resentment toward the other parent that this is acceptable
• Whether you realize it or not, you both tend to undermine each others parenting styles in a variety of ways, sometimes blatantly and sometimes quietly once the other parent isn’t looking
• You complain about the other parent’s parenting style or role to your friends and family
• You feel like the parenting roles are completely lop-sided – “good” parent vs “bad” parent, “in charge of the kids” vs “in charge of making money”, “nurturer” vs “playmate”, etc.
• You have said in some form, “Our marriage is fine, it’s just the parenting issues that create problems for us”

There is definitely a wide spectrum for which the above applies. For some, you might be experiencing this on a very small scale. Often times when I experience even just one of the above “symptoms” it’s a cue to me that my husband and I should have a talk about why this is happening and work together to find a way to get our relationship back on track so that we’re a team again.

However, many parents believe that these struggles and frustrations are “just the way it is”. And because everyone keeps saying “marriage is hard” this must be part of the “hard part” where we stay frustrated and miserable with each other hoping that once the kids move out everything will be “back to normal.”

In fact, there is research that estimates that up to 90% of marriages experience a dramatic decrease in marital satisfaction after a baby is born. Your chances that your marriage will end in divorce skyrocket within three years of having a child. The Gottman Institute has known this and has been studying this for many years. Recently, the statistic came back into the news as the University of Denver and Texas came out with similar results.

But it’s not the child itself that causes your marriage to suffer. It’s simply that having a child challenges your relationship in a new and deeper way. Any small weakness that was already there before kids suddenly becomes dramatically amplified once a baby enters the picture. And sometimes issues that didn’t exist in your relationship before suddenly develop because, well, things are different now. Your relationship is challenged in areas it never had to experience before. But the conclusion is not that marital dissatisfaction is close to inevitable and so therefore must be accepted. Because it is clearly possible to have children and actually maintain or increase marital satisfaction. The 10% proof of this is beside the point. I just don’t believe for an instant that the introduction of a child in a relationship was meant to destroy that relationship. That just doesn’t make sense for so many reasons!

Looking beyond research and common sense, annecdotally I know that if you are loving and caring toward each other, and your relationship is a priority, and you both have an attitude of “we’re in this together”, then the challenges that come with having kids are blips on the screen. They don’t damage the relationship. In fact, they actually strengthen the relationship as you grow and sharpen your relationship together.

But if the two of you don’t come together and find resolution, that’s not about the kids. That’s about YOU as a COUPLE. It is a flaw in your relationship that needs to be healed or it’s not going to go away. Eventually, you will find yourself within the 90% of unsatisfied marriages, or worse, divorced somewhere down the road.

So what you can do?

• Stop blaming your differences in parenting for the dissatisfaction of your relationship.
• Set up a private consult for learning effective communication and problem solving skills or attend a workshop together on the topic (visit www.xylemfamily.org for upcoming classes or contact me if you’d like to consult with me directly. There are other organizations that offer similar services as well). Studies show that even taking one class can improve your odds of a happier marriage
• Take parenting classes together
• Try out marriage counseling. Even if you think your relationship is not “that bad”, it can’t hurt to have a third party give you more tools for improving your marriage. Seeing a counselor does not mean you are a failure. No marriage is perfect and we can all use more tools to make our relationships stronger!
• Address the disagreements within your parenting and family roles early when you first experience them. They are much easier to solve at this stage than if you wait until they have grown larger and dug their roots deep.
• If you have let your disagreements effect your relationship for some time that doesn’t mean your relationship is beyond help or repair. Still ask for help.
• It’s OK to ask for help. This is being a good parent, a good wife, a good husband and a strong family.

Your marriage is the most important part of your family. It effects your kids, it effects your parenting, and it effects the overall strength and happiness of your family. Where are the weak points in your marriage? What needs to be strengthened? What are the real issues in your relationship that need to be addressed so that you can focus on being a team and lead your family together? What are you going to do about it?

Thanks for reading.