No blog post this week. I'm off to have another baby. Looking forward to sharing stories involving this new little one with you soon!
Blessings!
Tara
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Kids and Media
It comes up all the time in parenting conversations. What is OK for our kids to watch on TV and movies? Do we let them play video games and on the computer?
This is a huge topic with lots to be addressed in the discussion. I could probably write a book just on this (maybe I will someday). But for now, let me just briefly share how I address this with my kids.
To start with, my husband and I have developed a set of values that are the foundation for everything we do regarding our kids. These values are the things that we have decided are most important to us as a family and that we want our children to possess as adults. For us it’s things like loving and caring for others, respecting ourselves and others, and not using violence to solve problems.
We also are aware of the developmental and cognitive abilities of our children. For instance, kids are slow to develop abstract thinking, a skill that doesn’t really set in until around age 10. And preschoolers and early elementary-aged children still struggle with making the distinction between reality and fantasy.
Additionally, we’re aware that one of the ways kids learn what we value and what is important to us is by observing where we spend our time. If we say it is important to us to love and care for others but then spend a significant amount of time watching movies or playing video games where this isn’t the case, we’re sending a mixed message to our kids. We can’t fool ourselves that kids will be able to believe us when we say it’s not OK to solve our problems by hitting but then have them watch us be regularly entertained by people duking it out or shooting each other. So, we are very conscious of what we allow our kids to see us paying attention to.
With our standards in place and keeping in mind how our kids are learning, it becomes easier to make decisions about all our various parenting practices including what kinds of media to expose our kids to.
My husband and I are very careful when choosing what movies, video games and books our kids can watch and read and try to eliminate those that are strong in the behaviors we don’t want our kids to model. We don’t want to teach our children that violence and foul language and promiscuous behavior is appropriate, entertaining, and acceptable at any time.
That being said, even classic fairy tales have elements of violence and instances of not caring for others. We can’t possibly (and don’t want to) eliminate every single movie, game, or book from our children’s lives. We don’t want to raise sheltered children. This means that most of the time we have to be very involved in the media that our kids are interacting with so that we can address any behavior that goes against our values as a family. And if we don’t want to be involved, or don’t have time to be, then we flat out won’t allow them to watch or play or read that particular title at that time.
Here’s a recent example of how I stayed involved in the media my kids were watching. Last week I took the kids to see Disney Pixar’s ”UP” (great movie by the way). But there were several instances throughout the movie that went against our family values. Instead of packing up the kids and “rescuing them,” I actively stayed engaged throughout the movie, ready to answer their questions and searching for teachable moments. At one point I whispered to them, “That wasn’t very nice, was it?” when the old man whacked another guy in the head causing him to bleed. And then pointed out to my kids the consequence the old man received as a result of his behavior. We also processed together many of the events of the movie on the way home. I didn’t just leave it at “did you like the movie?”
In case you’re also wondering, I do let my kids play on the computer. They are allowed on NickJr.com, Playhouse Disney, and PBS kids, three sites that I know are fun, educational and I feel comfortable enough about the material that I don’t feel I always have to stay fully involved when my kids are playing there. Any other sites they visit are only when I am sitting there with them. Now that she’s starting to grow out of the younger preschool sites, my school-aged daughter and I are gradually exploring other sites that she can visit that I will eventually feel comfortable enough to let her play on without me right beside her.
As for video games, we have a Wii and they play Mario Kart and the various sports games we have. We introduced them to Star Wars by letting them play Lego Star Wars, originally playing with them. But that’s about it for now.
They can watch PBS on TV anytime when I’m not in the room. And Qubo on Saturday mornings. All other programs they ask permission to watch or watch with a parent.
And if you’re wondering about toy guns in our house, we do have water guns and Jedi Light Sabers. The rule is we cannot shoot or kill people even in play. They can shoot monsters and robots, but not people. We explain to them regularly that we don’t even pretend to hurt people and we don’t find people getting hurt entertaining.
However, we also regularly watch The Simpsons with our kids (switching the channel briefly when Itchy and Scratchy come on). We have watched with them Star Wars movies 3, 4, and 5. And while the majority of the time we listen to Way FM in the mini van, my daughter’s two favorite songs are”Root Down” by the Beastie Boys and “Holiday” by Greenday. Nate likes Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” and Rihanna’s “Please Don’t Stop the Music”.
Like I said at the beginning, this is a big topic and there is plenty more to be said about it. Let’s chew on this much for now. What would you like to see addressed on this topic in the future? What questions do you have? Leave a comment below.
This is a huge topic with lots to be addressed in the discussion. I could probably write a book just on this (maybe I will someday). But for now, let me just briefly share how I address this with my kids.
To start with, my husband and I have developed a set of values that are the foundation for everything we do regarding our kids. These values are the things that we have decided are most important to us as a family and that we want our children to possess as adults. For us it’s things like loving and caring for others, respecting ourselves and others, and not using violence to solve problems.
We also are aware of the developmental and cognitive abilities of our children. For instance, kids are slow to develop abstract thinking, a skill that doesn’t really set in until around age 10. And preschoolers and early elementary-aged children still struggle with making the distinction between reality and fantasy.
Additionally, we’re aware that one of the ways kids learn what we value and what is important to us is by observing where we spend our time. If we say it is important to us to love and care for others but then spend a significant amount of time watching movies or playing video games where this isn’t the case, we’re sending a mixed message to our kids. We can’t fool ourselves that kids will be able to believe us when we say it’s not OK to solve our problems by hitting but then have them watch us be regularly entertained by people duking it out or shooting each other. So, we are very conscious of what we allow our kids to see us paying attention to.
With our standards in place and keeping in mind how our kids are learning, it becomes easier to make decisions about all our various parenting practices including what kinds of media to expose our kids to.
My husband and I are very careful when choosing what movies, video games and books our kids can watch and read and try to eliminate those that are strong in the behaviors we don’t want our kids to model. We don’t want to teach our children that violence and foul language and promiscuous behavior is appropriate, entertaining, and acceptable at any time.
That being said, even classic fairy tales have elements of violence and instances of not caring for others. We can’t possibly (and don’t want to) eliminate every single movie, game, or book from our children’s lives. We don’t want to raise sheltered children. This means that most of the time we have to be very involved in the media that our kids are interacting with so that we can address any behavior that goes against our values as a family. And if we don’t want to be involved, or don’t have time to be, then we flat out won’t allow them to watch or play or read that particular title at that time.
Here’s a recent example of how I stayed involved in the media my kids were watching. Last week I took the kids to see Disney Pixar’s ”UP” (great movie by the way). But there were several instances throughout the movie that went against our family values. Instead of packing up the kids and “rescuing them,” I actively stayed engaged throughout the movie, ready to answer their questions and searching for teachable moments. At one point I whispered to them, “That wasn’t very nice, was it?” when the old man whacked another guy in the head causing him to bleed. And then pointed out to my kids the consequence the old man received as a result of his behavior. We also processed together many of the events of the movie on the way home. I didn’t just leave it at “did you like the movie?”
In case you’re also wondering, I do let my kids play on the computer. They are allowed on NickJr.com, Playhouse Disney, and PBS kids, three sites that I know are fun, educational and I feel comfortable enough about the material that I don’t feel I always have to stay fully involved when my kids are playing there. Any other sites they visit are only when I am sitting there with them. Now that she’s starting to grow out of the younger preschool sites, my school-aged daughter and I are gradually exploring other sites that she can visit that I will eventually feel comfortable enough to let her play on without me right beside her.
As for video games, we have a Wii and they play Mario Kart and the various sports games we have. We introduced them to Star Wars by letting them play Lego Star Wars, originally playing with them. But that’s about it for now.
They can watch PBS on TV anytime when I’m not in the room. And Qubo on Saturday mornings. All other programs they ask permission to watch or watch with a parent.
And if you’re wondering about toy guns in our house, we do have water guns and Jedi Light Sabers. The rule is we cannot shoot or kill people even in play. They can shoot monsters and robots, but not people. We explain to them regularly that we don’t even pretend to hurt people and we don’t find people getting hurt entertaining.
However, we also regularly watch The Simpsons with our kids (switching the channel briefly when Itchy and Scratchy come on). We have watched with them Star Wars movies 3, 4, and 5. And while the majority of the time we listen to Way FM in the mini van, my daughter’s two favorite songs are”Root Down” by the Beastie Boys and “Holiday” by Greenday. Nate likes Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” and Rihanna’s “Please Don’t Stop the Music”.
Like I said at the beginning, this is a big topic and there is plenty more to be said about it. Let’s chew on this much for now. What would you like to see addressed on this topic in the future? What questions do you have? Leave a comment below.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Is Anyone Else Doing That?
It's important that we provide our kids instruction on appropriate behavior in a variety of ways. One of my favorite teaching tools, and often the most effective, is the "Look around you. Is anyone else doing that?" technique, or more simply, the observation technique.
Here's an example of how I used this parenting strategy recently:
To start with, I get it that it can sometimes be hard for two younger kids to sit still and be patient when you're at a relatively nice restaurant that doesn't immediately put the food in front of you the second you order it or only calls you to the table when the meal is ready to be served. However, going out to dinner is not a foreign concept to my kids. We actually do it about once a week. So I expect that they should know how to behave appropriately in this given situation.
And yet, they're still kids, more often than not in their own little worlds, forgetting that there are rules to follow and not thinking before they do. Which is why on this particular night out my kids had to be reminded again of appropriate behavior.
It started when they realized that the table we were sitting at didn't have legs or a center pole holding it up. It actually was pretty interesting. But in true kid style, they quickly made the connection that they could easily reach their legs to touch the other on the opposite side without anything getting in the way. Slowly my children began to sink deeper and deeper under the table as they tried harder and harder to reach the other who was trying to avoid the feet of their sibling while at the same time trying to touch them with their own feet. The behavior quickly became way inappropriate (and embarrassing). Time to use my teaching strategy.
The first step was making my kids aware that they were doing something out of context for the environment they were in. So I said, "You guys. Stop for a minute. Look around the restaurant. Do you see anyone else here doing what you're doing?" My kids looked around and admitted they didn't. I continued, "Look at the children sitting at that table over there. Do you see them playing around they way you guys are?" Again, they admitted that they didn't.
The next step was to get them to pick up, on their own, the appropriate behavior for the current situation. So next I asked, "What do you see the people in the restaurant doing instead?" I got my kids to verbalize to me the things they saw people doing; eating, talking to the other people at the table, kids coloring, using quiet voices, etc.
Finally, I wanted them to mirror the behavior of the community in the room. So I asked them to show me what the other people in the room look like. Show me how they are they sitting. Show me how they are acting at the table. My kids usually love this part of the "lesson" because it's like acting out a play. They briefly pretended to be various people in the room, mimicking their behavior, sitting tall, copying their mannerisms.
The observation lesson is concluded with lots of praise. "Good job you guys! You are very observant. That's how you guys need to behave, too so that your behavior is appropriate."
It is important that we not just teach kids the right way to behave, but that we also teach them how to pick up on the social cues given by others on the appropriate way to behave by teaching them to observe their surroundings. After all, we won't always be there in every situation to coach them on the appropriate way to behave. We need to teach our kids how to figure this out on their own.
The other great advantage of this teaching technique is that it helps you keep your cool as a parent. Because I'm not scolding or offering consequences or repeating myself over and over it's easy to stay in conversation mode which in turn helps me be a better teacher and my kids better able to respond to the "lesson". It ends up being a fun experience for all of us as we become more aware of our surroundings and have family conversation about it. The end result is a higher success rate than if we had to approach the behavior a different way. Usually having this conversation just once in a given situation is enough to keep my kids' behavior at a more appropriate and manageable level.
I love this strategy and use it often in a variety of contexts; at the grocery store, at church, at school performances, the library, just about anywhere. You can even use the same strategy in reverse when encountering another child who is misbehaving. When this happens I might say to my kids, "What is that child doing that the rest of us aren't?" "What should they be doing instead?"
Try this parenting tip out. Then let me know how it worked for you!
Here's an example of how I used this parenting strategy recently:
To start with, I get it that it can sometimes be hard for two younger kids to sit still and be patient when you're at a relatively nice restaurant that doesn't immediately put the food in front of you the second you order it or only calls you to the table when the meal is ready to be served. However, going out to dinner is not a foreign concept to my kids. We actually do it about once a week. So I expect that they should know how to behave appropriately in this given situation.
And yet, they're still kids, more often than not in their own little worlds, forgetting that there are rules to follow and not thinking before they do. Which is why on this particular night out my kids had to be reminded again of appropriate behavior.
It started when they realized that the table we were sitting at didn't have legs or a center pole holding it up. It actually was pretty interesting. But in true kid style, they quickly made the connection that they could easily reach their legs to touch the other on the opposite side without anything getting in the way. Slowly my children began to sink deeper and deeper under the table as they tried harder and harder to reach the other who was trying to avoid the feet of their sibling while at the same time trying to touch them with their own feet. The behavior quickly became way inappropriate (and embarrassing). Time to use my teaching strategy.
The first step was making my kids aware that they were doing something out of context for the environment they were in. So I said, "You guys. Stop for a minute. Look around the restaurant. Do you see anyone else here doing what you're doing?" My kids looked around and admitted they didn't. I continued, "Look at the children sitting at that table over there. Do you see them playing around they way you guys are?" Again, they admitted that they didn't.
The next step was to get them to pick up, on their own, the appropriate behavior for the current situation. So next I asked, "What do you see the people in the restaurant doing instead?" I got my kids to verbalize to me the things they saw people doing; eating, talking to the other people at the table, kids coloring, using quiet voices, etc.
Finally, I wanted them to mirror the behavior of the community in the room. So I asked them to show me what the other people in the room look like. Show me how they are they sitting. Show me how they are acting at the table. My kids usually love this part of the "lesson" because it's like acting out a play. They briefly pretended to be various people in the room, mimicking their behavior, sitting tall, copying their mannerisms.
The observation lesson is concluded with lots of praise. "Good job you guys! You are very observant. That's how you guys need to behave, too so that your behavior is appropriate."
It is important that we not just teach kids the right way to behave, but that we also teach them how to pick up on the social cues given by others on the appropriate way to behave by teaching them to observe their surroundings. After all, we won't always be there in every situation to coach them on the appropriate way to behave. We need to teach our kids how to figure this out on their own.
The other great advantage of this teaching technique is that it helps you keep your cool as a parent. Because I'm not scolding or offering consequences or repeating myself over and over it's easy to stay in conversation mode which in turn helps me be a better teacher and my kids better able to respond to the "lesson". It ends up being a fun experience for all of us as we become more aware of our surroundings and have family conversation about it. The end result is a higher success rate than if we had to approach the behavior a different way. Usually having this conversation just once in a given situation is enough to keep my kids' behavior at a more appropriate and manageable level.
I love this strategy and use it often in a variety of contexts; at the grocery store, at church, at school performances, the library, just about anywhere. You can even use the same strategy in reverse when encountering another child who is misbehaving. When this happens I might say to my kids, "What is that child doing that the rest of us aren't?" "What should they be doing instead?"
Try this parenting tip out. Then let me know how it worked for you!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
