A New Song (Soon to Be a Classic)

My kids and I can become a group of goof balls when left alone. It will start out innocently enough with singing Christmas carols at the top of our lungs and morph into seeing who can most creatively change the lyrics to one of the songs.


Today, we tackled "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer". Here's the result:

Jesus the Son of God

You know Joseph and Mary and Melchior and Jaspar,

Gabriel, the innkeeper, Caesar Augustus, and Belthasar

But to you recall? The most famous baby of all?

Jesus the Son of God
He was born on Christmas Night
And if you wanted to see him
Just follow the star so bright

All of the other kings
Didn't want Jesus around
Poor little baby Jesus
Had to beat it out of town
(yes we know this part of the song is out of order. But it fit, and hey, we're just having fun!)

Then upon a midnight clear
The angels came to say (LA LA LA)
In the city of David
A savior's born this day!

Oh how the Shepards loved him
And they shouted out with glee (Yippee!)
Jesus the son of God
He was born for you and me!!!!!


We're not quiting any day jobs. But I think we at least get credit for getting the names of all three wise men in there. =)

Fall Walk With Sami

This morning I looked out my window. It was a beautiful day. After a week of cold, cloudy, rainy weather, I felt my heart leap with excitement as I saw what awaited me on the other side of my front door. Today there wasn't a cloud in the sky. The sun was reflecting off the many colored leaves of the huge trees that grow in our neighborhood. The grass was a thick and healthy deep green having been brought back to life from the week of rain. The fuzzy black squirrels were already out enjoying the day. I didn't want to waste another moment.

"Come on Sami! Let's go outside!" My 15-month-old daughter's face lit up. She clumsily pulled her little body up and started to waddle away knowing I'd direct her toward the way out.

We stepped outside and the morning air smelled sweet. I closed my eyes and soaked in the feeling of the warm sun on my body. But Sami kept walking. I quickly opened my eyes, a bit disappointed that we were already on the move but looking forward to a fall morning walk through our neighborhood. Sami had other plans.

Samantha's plans were to draw with chalk for a while. I was able to convince her to at least move into the sunny part of the driveway. I drew hearts while she put colorful chalk marks inside them. I was just settling into this change of plans when Sami got up and started to walk away toward the street. Maybe we'd be getting that walk in after all.

We got to the street where she grabbed my finger (her hand is still too little to hold my full hand) and the two of us began to walk down the street. Just on the other side of our property is a large pasture where often a herd of cows hang out so close to our house that we can walk right up to the fence and practically touch them. This is where I thought we'd walk to first. But Sami had other plans.

She pulled me the opposite direction and led me across the street to the culdesac. This would take us nowhere except around a circle and right back to where we started. But she was insistent. I decided it would at least be an easy place to set her free since there wouldn't be as many, if any, cars to worry about. So off she waddled ahead of me down the street of the boring take-us-no-where culdesac.

We'd barely entered the culdesac when one of our neighbors walked out of her house preparing to take her dog for a walk. Samantha could hardly contain her excitement. A dog! Our neighbor came over to let Sami see the puppy. Sami got to "be gentle" and touch the dog while getting a big lick on the face in return. Samantha is facinated with dogs and acted as if this short visit from a furry friend was like winning the "Big Deal of the Day" on Let's Make a Deal. When our neighbor moved on, we stood and watched until the dog was completely out of sight. Then Sami turned to continue on the route she had chosen.

We hadn't even gone twenty feet when she discovered a pine cone in the middle of the road. We stopped as she picked it up, threw it, kicked it, picked it back up, dropped it, kicked it again, stared at it and then decided to moved on. We rounded the top of the culdesac now facing the direction we started from. Maybe now we could make our way back to the main street and go see if the cows were on our side of the pasture.

But Sami had other plans. In the gutter were small piles of red and gold leaves. Samantha started walking through them looking up at me every few steps with a broad grin that said, "Are you seeing this, Mom? They crunch and move under my feet!" We must have spent a good five minutes walking back and forth through the leaves talking about the sounds they made. And then she was off again. This time heading back to the gutter in front of our own house.

I followed her. In moments she was seated in the gutter rubbing her hands in the dirt and gravel. I sighed and sat down beside her. I looked up above me at the clear blue sky that seemed to want to suck me up into it. I wanted Sami to notice, too. So I interrupted her gutter exploration. "Sami, look up at the sky! Look! The sky is blue! Look at the blue sky, Sami!" She casually glanced up to where I was pointing and then went right back to focusing on the dirty mixture on the ground. She scooped up some of the gravely mixture and handed it to me, almost as if to say, "Yeah, but did you see THIS?"

I let her explore a few more minutes. And then I grew impatient. "Come on, Sweetie. Let's go see the cows." Samantha didn't move. So, I scooped her up and carried her the short way down the street to the fence where there were...

no cows.

Sami looked up at me. She stared at me a minute (did I see pity on her face?) and gave me the sign for milk. Sigh. At least we were near home and not on the other side of the neighborhood.

I had plans of a wonderful fall walk around our neighborhood. To see animals, to look at the changing leaves and enjoy the beautiful sunshine. It wasn't quite how I imagined it, but we DID do all of those things and more. And maybe Samantha knew that ultimately her way was better.
I wonder how often in life this is the case?

I'm Not Solving Your Problem

Last week Isabella got her first spelling list of the year sent home. Attached with the list was a nice letter from her teacher explaining how lists will be sent home and giving wonderful creative suggestions for how the kids could practice their words. Her first spelling test was going to be the following Wednesday.

Looking over the list, Isabella and I saw that many of the words she already knew how to spell. But there were a few that we would have to work together to help her learn. However, it was Labor Day weekend. The grandparents were coming to stay with us and we were all excited for their visit. Isabella and I agreed that she did not have to work on the spelling words over the weekend as long as she worked on them really hard with me on Monday and Tuesday evening.

Monday evening came and as was agreed to, Isabella was sent to get her spelling list.

She didn't know where it was. She was sent to look for it, and after a lengthy search, announced she couldn't find it. Isabella had a problem.

The problem was, she needed to study her spelling words that night and the next as was agreed to. She needed to study these words because she had a test on Wednesday with words that she didn't quite know how to spell.

I looked at Isabella, stated to her the problem, and asked her how she was going to solve her problem. "I'll get a new list tomorrow and bring it home to study," she answered.

"OK," I replied. "But how does that solve your problem of needing to study your words tonight?"

She stared back blankly at me, shocked that I was implying that she could possibly do anything this evening related to spelling words.

"But Mom! I don't have the list. I can't study my words tonight!" she reminded me, stating the obvious.

"I understand you don't have your list. But your agreement with me was that you were to work on your spelling words tonight and tomorrow. How are you going to solve this problem? You need to study your words tonight."

Then realization hit her. She knew I was being serious. Panic set in. On came the water works. The sobs. The protests. The "What am I supposed to do?"

Isabella will be eight next month. She's a very bright girl. And because she has a mom who has focused on teaching her and her siblings skills on how to take ownership of and solve their own problems I know that she is capable of coming up with solutions for many of her second-grade-sized problems. And I knew that this was the perfect opportunity to show her that I believed this.

"I'm not going to solve this problem for you Isabella. You need to figure out how you're going to solve it. I know you can do it because you are very good at solving problems."

Because she was still sobbing at "the unfairness of it all", I showed her the nice comfy chair in the living room that would be great for thinking, and told her to come find me when she had come up with some ideas.

Ten minutes went by as she just sat there crying. Then the crying turned to whimpers and for the next ten minutes she mumbled about how it was so unfair and how "I don't have my list. What does she expect from me?" I even heard, "I'm just a kid. Why can't she [I assumed she meant me] just let me not do it?" Gotta admit. That one made me laugh from the other room.

But, twenty minutes after I sent her to her thinking spot, she slowly walked up to me.

"Mom. I have an idea"

"Great, Isabella! What did you come up with?"

"I can use some of the words I have on the papers I brought home from school," (these were worksheets that practiced a portion of the words in the classroom and had been graded and sent home on Friday) "and then I will ask Mrs. Lewis for the list again first thing in the morning and practice extra long tomorrow night."

"I think that's a great idea, Isabella. Good problem solving!" She gave me a big smile and turned around immediately to go find her worksheets.

Isabella was able to make a list consisting of about half her spelling words. We spent time working on those. This morning she let me know that she remembered that she was going to ask for the full list that day at school.

I could have solved the problem for her. I had actually thought of the same solution she came up with (although I forced myself to come up with three other ideas she could have picked just to make sure it was possible). I know we could have saved twenty minutes of crying and drama if I had just offered up that solution to her to begin with. But in the end, the twenty minutes was worth having Isabella take ownership of her own problem and coming up with its solution. It also taught her that I believe that she is capable of solving her problems and doesn't need me to do it for her. That's worth it to me.

Sometimes parenting takes extra effort up front. But teaching your children how to solve their own problems actually will save time in the long run because they won't be constantly relying on you to do it for them. But maybe more importantly is the self-confidence and pride that develops from knowing that when bad situations happen, which of course they will, they can handle it. Problems won't be as overwhelming. Life's problems can be tackled and solved. Isn't this what we all desire for our children?

A Time to Move On

My last post focused on allowing my children to grieve and how I was trying to help them through that process. However, eventually there is a time to help kids move beyond their sadness so they don't get stuck there. That is what we have been working on this past week.

Overall, my kids have been trying really hard to make the most of our new situation. They've searched for new friends. They've endured long car rides in order to discover new places that we can take ownership of. They've developed a riding course for their scooters and have a secret play place they can ride their bikes to. And yet, they have still been struggling to accept that we live here now.

Whether it's Nate praying at night for God to "please move us back to Denver right now," Isabella getting off the bus in tears because it's a beautiful sunny day and if we were back in Denver we would be playing on the playground with our best friends not coming strait home, or both of them pouting through a church service because "this is NOT our church" there are constant examples of how the two of them are so focused on what they've left back in Colorado that they are missing out on finding the joys that could be found here. In fact, Isabella told me that one of the girls who has been trying to be friends with her told Isabella on the bus that day she was crying over her old friends that she wished she had sat next to someone else who was more fun. Of course this hurt Isabella's feelings and she used it to fuel her sadness for how much she misses Colorado. But in that little girl's defense, who wants to sit by a girl wallowing in sadness, especially when you're seven?

Yes, it is OK to miss our friends. It's OK to miss the mountains and the restaurants we liked and the schools we went to. It's OK to miss Grandma and Grandpa and the big tree in the front of our old house. But at some point we need to accept where we are. We think about the things we miss and find ways of filling up that spot with something new. We miss our friends, so we need to find new ones. We miss the mountains, so we need to discover the lakes and beautiful parks that are here. We miss the quick places to eat that were near our house. So we need to discover what those places could be here in Ohio. We recognize what we do have. A new house. A neighborhood with tons more kids in it. A pond. Buses to ride to school. New places to visit and discover.

Because we have two choices. We can be constantly sad about what we left behind or we can look forward to the life ahead of us and make the most of it. If we chose the former, people will respect our choice and allow us to be sad and give us plenty of room to wallow in our self pity. They will get the message loud and clear that they could never live up to our life back home and so they won't even try. And we will be very lonely and even more sad.

But if we choose the latter there is hope and adventure. People will want to show us what they have to offer. And we can be happy here and still miss our life back in Denver.

It's important for kids to be allowed to grieve. But we need to help them learn how to move beyond the grief at some point so they don't miss out on what life has to offer them next. I know many adults who were never taught this. And admittedly, there are times I still struggle with this. Helping my kids through this process has been helpful to me as well. Grief is not overcome instantaneously. It takes time. But just like other areas of our life we have the opportunity to make choices regarding our behavior. We can choose to remain sad or we can choose to pursue happiness.

How does this same lesson apply for other examples of sadness or disappointment?

Stepping Aside So My Husband Can Be a Dad

This post is a last of a trilogy of posts dedicated to dads in honor of Father's Day, June 20th. Happy Father's Day to all you dedicated dads!

When my first daughter was born, my husband wanted nothing more than to be a great dad. From day one he was committed to getting up in the middle of the night to help change diapers and hand the baby to me to feed. Then he would get up in the morning and drag himself to work only to come home nine hours later to change another diaper, help get something resembling dinner together and crawl into bed to begin the routine all over again. But he did it every night, never thinking his job was more important than mine. Committing to be exhausted. Committing to be involved.

Day by day I was bonding more and more with my baby. But day by day my husband felt more and more detached from not only the baby but from me. He felt discouraged. This is not how he imagined it. Where was his connection to his daughter? Was this to be his role? Just the provider? The occasional assistant?

And then one day I had a workshop I had to teach and was gone for over six hours. It was the longest my husband had spent alone with the baby. Just him and her. She cried. She didn't want to drink from a bottle. It was stressful. It was hard. Yet it was the best thing that could have happened to both of them.

You see, up until that day, I was the primary caretaker of our daughter. Because I spent most of the time with her during the day, I had discovered all the tricks for calming her down. I knew which blanket she liked best. I knew her favorite way to be held. And my daughter knew I knew this, so of course she wanted me over anyone else. When the job was simple, like changing a diaper, I let my husband step in. But if she was crying, I would take her. If she was tired, I got her to sleep. If she was fussy, I figured out why. Without intending to, I was making it hard for my husband to bond with his baby because I wasn't allowing him to be a primary caretaker in her life.

But on that particular day, I wasn't around. My husband had to figure out his daughter on his own. He had to become the caretaker. And he did. When I came home, he had gotten her to fall asleep. He had learned ways of soothing her. He had found a position to hold her in that she seemed to like. He had discovered some of his own tricks.

And you know what? Almost all of his tricks were not my tricks. He actually had ways of interacting with her that were different from what worked for me. To be honest, this bothered me. I'm sure I even said more than once, "That's not how you do it. Here let me do it..."

But I needed to make a decision. I could either do all of the parenting myself or have a partner in parenting. If I chose the former, everything would be done my way, but my kids would be robbed of the chance to have a deep bonded relationship with their father. I would most surely work myself into exhaustion doing all the important parenting myself. Perhaps, I would develop resentment toward my kids, and probably toward my husband, for this life burden I put on myself. This is not rare. I work with families all the time where this has become the case.

On the other hand, choosing the latter would mean equally sharing the parenting responsibilities and have a untied front with our kids. But it would also mean letting go. It would mean that things might not always look exactly the way I want them too. It would mean sometimes letting the baby cry while my husband figured it out. It would mean not being the first to rush in and address a problem with the kids. It would mean accepting that my way is not always the best way, or at least not the only way.

I chose the latter.

Today, all three of my kids have an amazing relationship with their dad. My husband does everything he can to be with his family as much as possible because he wants to, not because he feels obligated to. The kids adore and respect him. He would do anything for his kids. They are SUPER bonded. More importantly, the kids view him and I equally knowing that we both have the same authority when it comes to parenting.

It was, and continues to be, so worth it for me to have made this choice. The added bonus? I was able to see a side of my husband I would have never seen otherwise. And this has allowed me to fall deeper in love with him.

The Importance of Dads - A letter to fathers

Dear Dads,

You are so important in your child's life!

I am sad that there is a belief out there that you are only good for working hard and "providing" for your family. I'm sad that you may have been lead to believe that you could never be as good at parenting your children as their mother and certainly not as nurturing. I'm sad that many women believe this. Because it flat out isn't true.

Research proves that you are so important. Kids who have dads that are hands-on involved in their lives have higher self-esteem, do better in school, and are socially more adjusted than kids whose fathers leave the majority of the child care to the mom. This is because you bring to the table qualities that most women don't. Not because you're better but because you're different, and kids need what you both have to offer.

A girl's sense of beauty and self-worth is largely influenced by you. When you are involved in your daughter's life, letting her know that she is precious and beautiful in your eyes, she is more likely to be confident in who she is and less likely to go seeking love and fulfillment in other ways and from other people. She learns what type of man to marry someday. She learns how men should treat her. What a great gift you can give to her!

Your son will learn from you what it means to be a man in this world. He'll learn how to treat women. He'll learn how to treat other people. He'll learn how to be a dad. Little boys want to be just like their dads. You have so much to teach them and an opportunity like none other to make a difference in this little life, and I believe that difference makes a difference in this world.

Moms need dads. It is difficult to raise children on your own. Some moms falsely believe that only they know best. Some even send the message that dads could never care for their kids as well as they can. But when dads work as a team with mom, family magic happens.

As a mom whose husband is deeply involved in my kids' life, I can't tell you how much deeper in love I am with him because of the great relationship he has with my kids. I can't begin to tell you how much it means to me to know that I have a partner in raising my kids. And I know that my kids are as great as they are because they get from my husband qualities and knowledge that I can't give to them. I feel so blessed to have an amazing husband who is an amazing dad!

Maybe you didn't have a great dad when you were a kid. Maybe you don't know what it looks like to be an involved, caring, nurturing parent. Maybe you only know how to be the "bad guy" or how to only be the "playmate". Most likely this is because that is what you were taught. It's not because that's how it has to be. You can learn to be so much more and it's so worth it!

But maybe you are one of those dads that is involved. You do parent your kids with love and grace and patience. You work as a united front with your child's mother. You take your responsibility as a dad to heart and see it as one of the most important jobs of your life. I want you to know that you are valued! Thank you for being the example to other fathers for what is possible. My hope is that what you contribute to your family doesn't get taken for granted and that you enjoy the thrill of raising your kids. Children bring so much joy to our lives!

Perhaps you've heard this all before. I'm sorry if this is the first time. Either way, you need to hear this. And you need to hear it again and again and again.

Blessings to you, Dads.

Tara

Bedtime With Daddy

It's 8:15. The kids have their jammies on. Teeth are brushed.

Two happy kids skip up to me. "Good night, Mom."

I get a kiss and a hug from each.

The kids turn away and begin their climb up the stairs calling behind them, "Come on, Dad!"

This is my husband's cue. He gets up and begins his own climb up the stairs to meet my son and daughter who by now are snuggled up in our bed with their Harry Potter book. Within moments I hear the gentle male voice reading, picking up where they left Harry last night.

It's 8:30. As I sit on the couch nursing the baby, I hear the familiar groans and the routine, "No, don't stop there, Dad!" Followed by the sound of my husband saying, "We'll find out more tomorrow. Time for bed."

Three pairs of feet are heard landing on the floor and hurrying down the hallway to the room the kids share. I hear my daughter climbing the ladder to the top bunk and my son's giggles as he hides under his big comforter.

And then it's suddenly quiet. I don't hear the sounds, but I know what is happening. Daddy is praying with each of them. First they pray, and then he does. A sacred moment.

It's 8:35. The finale of the bedtime routine is approaching.

"Good night, guys." Dad turns off the light and begins walking out of the room.

Two voices in unison sing out, "Good night, Dad! I love you!"

"I love you, too. Now go to sleep."

It's exactly the same every night, this special time with Dad. A bonding time between the kids and my husband.

Twenty minutes every night. Bedtime with Daddy. Memories, bonding and love that will last a lifetime.

Children Who Serve

One of the qualities I hope my children have is a love and compassion for other people. In fact, if I had to pick one characteristic above all others that I desire for my kids, it would be this one.

There are many things I try to intentionally do with my kids to help teach them the importance of caring and loving others. Service is one of these things.

Serving others is a very practical way of teaching kids how to love others. It takes them beyond the philosophical and abstract discussions of "we need to love and care for others" and goes to the concrete of "here's how you do it". Further, studies show that children who are involved in service are more likely to be involved in serving opportunities when they become adults.

Summer is a great time of year to look into service opportunities to do with your kids. There are community gardens and neighborhood clean up opportunities that are family friendly. Even preschoolers can pick weeds and pick up trash. Check out Idealist.org for a list of family volunteer opportunities in your area or check in with you local church for projects to get involved in. Personally, my kids are excited to participate in the ten thousand nets campaign this summer. They have set a goal of buying five nets. As a family we have been planning together ways to help them achieve their goal this summer.

But teaching your kids how to serve others involves more than just participating in a community service project once or twice a year. Serving others needs to be an expectation in their daily lives. Therefore, encourage your kids to assist you with chores around the house without them expecting to get something in return. Ask them to help their sibling put away the toys even though they didn't help make the mess. Create an expectation in your home that serving one another in your family is just as important as serving people outside of the family.

One more thing. It's easy as a parent to feel like your whole parenting life is about service. Still, serving others is often about going beyond what is expected of us. As parents, it's important to lead the way in serving others and this means our children and spouse. Modeling this can be in the simple things like offering to take over one of your kid's chores "just because" or helping them finish a job so they can get to their birthday party on time. It's pointing out how Dad served the kids today by getting up early to make them their favorite breakfast or how Mom did the dishes for Dad because he wasn't feeling well. It's OK to point out to your kids the specific examples of service you and your spouse do for each other and for your kids. This helps your kids learn what service looks like and how they can do it for others as well.

If serving each other in your family is something that has not been a high priority in your family, here's some ideas for introducing the concept or increasing the awareness in fun and easy ways.

1. Secret Servant - Each family member draws the name of another. They will be the secret servant of the name they drew. Before hand, discuss with your kids ways they could serve each family member should they draw their name. If you have children under five, try doing this for one day. Consider having a family Secret Servant day once a week, Sundays for example. Draw the names at breakfast and reveal who everyone served that day at dinner. Decide as a family if you'd like to do a longer stretch of time if you have older children.


2. Honored Family Member - Each week choose a family member that the rest of the family is going to focus on serving for the week. Once the honored member is chosen, discuss ways that person could be served throughout the week and divide tasks among each other.
   
3. The Giving Tree - Read the book "The Giving Tree" by Shel Silverstein. Create or buy a small "giving tree" to place on your table. During dinner, have a time where each member can say how they felt served by another family member. Using pieces of string, tie a bow on the tree for each act of service recognized. Enjoy watching your tree get filled up with the representations of your family's acts of service.

Making serving others, including serving each other in your family, a priority will help your child learn practical ways of caring for and loving someone else. Laying this foundation early in life will help increase the odds that he will be someone who actively cares for others as an adult. You will probably also discover that your family becomes transformed as you actively love and care for each other more intentionally.

Please share with us the ways your family serves in your community as well as each other. More ideas are always helpful!

Sometimes I Don't Want to Be a Mom

Sometimes I don't want to be a mom.

There. I said it.

Sometimes I just get tired of always being "on call," no days off, no sick days.

My days are filled with caring for a baby who has a lot of energy and has discovered she can get to just about any place in the house...really really fast. I can't take my eyes off her.

My afternoons are spent shuttling kids to lessons or helping them with homework.

Evenings are about making sure every one has been fed, and bathed, and gotten ready for bed.

At 8:30, all three of my kids go to bed. My husband and I dwell in the brief moment of silence, soaking in as much of it as we can. We know it will be short-lived. Because our 10-month-old will wake up between 10:30 and 11:00 for another feeding. Then she will probably wake up around 2:30 or 3:00 again needing help to go back to sleep. Sometimes we're lucky and she won't wake up again until 7:00. Sometimes we're not and she'll wake up one more time.

My oldest daughter sleepwalks.

Morning comes and I drag my sleep-deprived body out of bed motivated by the fact that the baby is on my bed, wide awake and excitedly crawling toward the cat at the end of the bed. Yes, this is almost an every morning occurrence. I don't know what motivates me more, fear that she's going to crawl off the edge of the bed or fear that she's going to pull out a huge chunk of my cat's hair, getting bit in the process. I can't remember the last time I woke up on my own, well-rested.

My son is like me. He hates getting up and likes to move slow in the morning. Not a great quality to have when you don't have a lot of time to get ready and leave the house on time. Almost every morning has something that challenges us from getting to school before the bell rings.

Every day is pretty much the same routine.

Weekends come. They should be a time for rest. Usually they aren't. With all five of us now home the energy level in the house skyrockets. It's our opportunity to get the house back in order after the busy week. The kids don't hide their disapproval of this.

My son likes to be really loud. He thinks it's funny. The baby likes to copy his loud noises. All
three kids think this is funny. Dad and I don't.

The kids argue. Sometimes with each other. Sometimes with me.

And sometimes...well...I just don't want to be a mom.

I collapse on the couch. I pretend there are no kids around me. I do the math in my head. How many years left do I have of this?

Then, my oldest daughter sees me and snuggles up beside me. "You're the best mom, ever, " she says and snuggles in deeper.

As I put my arm around her, I notice movement on the floor. The baby is crawling toward me at warp speed. A huge smile is lighting up her face. She reaches the couch, pulls herself up and tries to pull herself up onto the couch to join us.

"Hi goofball, " I say. "You want up, too?" I swing her up and now I have my two girls beside me.

A moment later, the front door opens and in bursts my son. "Mom! Mom!" he says. "I have something for you!" He rushes over to the couch and opens his hand. Inside is a sparkly rock. "I found this rock and wanted to give it to you," he explains.

He crawls up on the couch so that I can have a closer look.

I smile. My three beautiful children are near. And I love each of them so very much.

The best part of being a mom is moments like these. Moments when my kids remind me of the bigger picture. When they take me out of my selfish pity party and point out how full my life is with these little lives in mine. I'm humbled by how much they love me and feel ashamed at how quickly I forgot.

Sometimes being a mom is tiring, and overwhelming, and hard. But I wouldn't change being one for the world!

Instead, I think I'll set up an appointment for a massage.

Treating Kids the Way You Want to be Treated

Today I was reminded what it feels like to be a kid, particularly what it feels like to be parented without consistency. I got to feel how it feels to randomly have a rule that had really never been enforced before suddenly be enforced with a huge consequence and to receive that consequence with no warning that a consequence was going to be issued if the rule was broken. I felt the desire to then want to protest and argue the unfairness of the random enforcement of the rule. I was reminded how it feels to not understand the rule in the first place, feeling like it was a stupid rule to begin with. I was reminded of the feeling of resentment and anger toward those in authority who, from my perspective, didn't care at all about my side of the story, totally giving the "a rule's a rule because I said so" stance, and "I'm in charge and you're not," so there! I remembered what it's like to be a kid sometimes and it was a good reminder.

Today I got a parking ticket. Even as I type that, I am still so angry about it.


Here's my side of the story:

Due to the distance of my children's school, I have to drive them to school everyday. My son is in ECE and the school requires that parents come inside the school to sign preschoolers in an out. So, every morning, I have to park the car and haul both kids and the baby into the school.

The school is a neighborhood school built in the 1950's. It wasn't designed to have tons of traffic in front of it dropping off kids. But the school is a great school and one of the few IB elementary schools in Denver, so many families have used the Denver School Choice program to send their kids to this school. As a result, every morning there is a lot of traffic.

To add to this, this year they added more buses delivering students to this school. Unfortunately, they use full-size buses to deliver a handful of children. These buses need a lot of room. So they put up signs this year that practically reserved the entire front side of the school for bus parking. However, thisis also the side where you pick up and drop off your kids, .

School starts at 9:00. The buses are long gone by 8:45 and by 9:50 or 9:55 when I arrive to drop off my kids there is just one long empty sidewalk inviting me to park my car beside in order to deliver my preschooler and 1st-grader into the school entrance. Everyday since the first day of school, this has been where we've parked, along with most of the other parents of ECE'ers. There has never been an issue parking here as long as the buses are gone.

If you follow me on Facebook, you may have notice my brief rant I posted about a week-and-a-half ago (I'm sure it's still there on my wall if you're interested). On that day, there was a parking enforcer standing on the empty side of the street telling us all we could not park there and directing us to park across the street. I followed the directions but did not understand why this was suddenly being enforced. It upset me that I had to take my three kids across the busy street instead of being able to take them out on the safer "school side" where there were no buses and plenty of safe parking space. It seemed ridiculous, and bureaucratic, and like someone just had too much time on their hands.

The next day, parking guy was not there redirecting the cars. Nor was he there the rest of the week or Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday of this week. And so, with no buses in site, the safety of my kids in mind, and the convenience of being in front of the school near the entrance I, along with most of the other parents, went back to parking in front of the school as we had done before. And for the past week-and-a-half, there were no consequences for doing so, just like there hadn't been the entire school year.

Until today. Today I came back out to my car after having dropped off my kids to find a man writing me out a ticket.

While it's true there are signs posted saying, "bus loading zone," and technically I was parked where I shouldn't have parked since I don't drive a school bus, and so he was legally justified in giving me a parking ticket, I was still struck by the thoughts and feelings that went through my mind.

Instead of taking ownership of my behavior I started to criticize in my mind the law enforcement and the school who most likely called in the law enforcement. I was angry at them for suddenly punishing me out of the blue without warning that such punishments were going to now be issued. I felt like I was being treated unfairly. I was frustrated that there was no room for discussion about what was fair for all parties. I felt bullied by the ticketing officer who arrogantly handed me my ticket and told me to start reading the signs, "that are posted everywhere." It was infuriating how condescending it all was, how arbitrary, and how...stupid!

I looked at my ticket and saw I had 20 days to pay it. The first thought that came through my head was, "They're not getting my money until day 20, that's for sure." It was me against them. I even wondered if I was going to park on the other side of the street everyday from now on, or only when I saw the parking police out giving tickets (now that I'm a bit more clear-headed on the issue, I will park on the other side, but still not calm enough to think I won't do it begrudgingly).


My intention is not to undermine authority or bash law enforcement. There is another side to this story and I am sure reasons behind what they decided to do today.

I share this story with you to focus on the similarities to a child's perspective when parents enforce rules randomly and arbitrarily. How frustrated they feel when consequences are given out without warning! When parents become a dictatorship and don't offer opportunities to understand the child's point of view, don't leave room for grace or compromise, and don't set realistic and fair rules with logical consequences, they are resentful and angry at their parents, not taking ownership for their mistakes. As a result, they're not focused on how to do it differently next time. Instead, they are focused on how to accept as little of the consequence as possible and maybe how they can "get back" by purposely looking for loopholes to get away with the behavior again in the future. The parent/child relationship becomes an "us" versus "them."

Experiences like this are helpful reminders when it comes to parenting. It helps us to remember to treat our kids the way we would like to be treated in similar situations. While my experience today was irritating to say the least, I can take it and use it to be a better parent when implementing and enforcing rules in my own home. And I guess that's worth the value of the ticket.

My Three Kids Aren't a Handful

Samantha was on my hip with a big smile. Nathanael and Isabella had happily skipped away, each with a penny in their hand to go ride the horse. I stood at the checkout pleased with how quickly this trip to the grocery store went preparing to swipe my credit card for payment.

And then the checkout man made "the comment".

"Wow! You sure have your hands full."

This is just one of the many versions of this type of comment that people offer to parents, especially those of us with more than one child. The comments range from "Bless your heart for taking care of three kids, " to "You are so brave to take all your kiddos out," to "Three kids! Wow! One is plenty for me!"

I'm not sure who decided way back when that comments like these were like the secret handshake amongst adults. For me, comments like these fall into the same category as "people who feel like they can touch your tummy when you're pregnant"and "people who grab your baby's hands or face in effort to make baby interact with them." Absolutely annoying!

I guess it annoys me so much because I don't view my kids as a handful. I don't think for a moment that I'm some super hero for raising three kids (there are plenty of parents out there who have way more children to care for than I do), and I actually love having more than one child. In fact, I think having more than one child is easier and more fun in many ways than just having one.

Sure, there are moments in time when three is overwhelming. But for me, these are exceptions and not the general rule of life with three kids.

More importantly, I hate that my kids keep hearing these comments from adults. I've got to think at some point they've got to wonder whether adults really think that kids are such a life burden. It is for this reason that I am always quick to respond to such comments with a, "Nah, my kids are great," or "The two older ones are actually 'big helps' and are great to their little sister" or "I love having more than one!" I make sure my kids hear my response as often as possible. Even when they aren't around, I still respond positively about my kids. What I say about them when they can't hear me is just as important as what I say when they can.

People are usually surprised by my comeback I think because I'm supposed to seem grateful that they are being sympathetic to the assumed plight of a mom with multiple children. And I think I may offend them that I'm not participating correctly in this social exchange that is supposed to be accepted. But I want them to know that my kids are not a handful. They are really great kids with great hearts. They are good listeners and super helpful and generally really easy to go just about anywhere with. And I am so proud to be their mom!

So, please, stop the sympathetic comments. If you're a parent, don't play into this terrible exchange that occurs among adults. Join with me in letting others know that these comments are no longer the secret handshake amongst parents. Let's stand up for our kids and let the world know they are not a burden. Let's let the world know that having more than one child is a blessing, not a curse.

Maybe we can even start a new secret exchange. Maybe something like, "Three kids? Wow! How awesome!" A wink and a hive five would be fun, too!

The "Family Vacation" Vacation

It was one of our first real family vacations. Isabella was three and Nate was one. We spent a whole week in Vail with my husband's parents. About three days in, my husband Asa and I were sitting in the sun by the creek while our kids were splashing in the water. I turned to Asa and said, "This is so great! I love being away with you and the kids, out of the daily routine. I feel like I am enjoying my kids more this week and really feel like we're having some great family bonding."

Asa got really quiet and didn't say anything for a few minutes. Finally he said, "I feel so guilty now. Before you said that, I was actually sitting here thinking how this vacation is such a drag. It hasn't felt like much of a vacation at all. We're still full-time parents just in a different location."

My husband was experiencing what most new parents experience. The realization that your life is not just yours anymore. Many things we experienced before kids will never be the same now that children are in the mix. A family vacation is one of these things. It's just not the same thing as those vacations we experienced without kids. But that doesn't mean that things are now worse. They are just different. And as Asa and I talked about it more, we concluded that we just needed a mind shift in expectations.

A family vacation is not just about the parents getting away and relaxing. Some parents never realize this and end up hating family vacations because kids ruin this expectation for them. They resent their kids being there. Tensions run high the duration of the trip. Parents fuss. Kids argue. There may be glimmers of enjoyment, but overall everyone wonders why they did the vacation in the first place. Everyone comes home needing a vacation from their vacation.
Other parents decide that they are just parents, let go of all parts of who they are outside of parenthood, and make their family vacation all about the kids. All activities, locations, and food choices are all decided based on what will make the kids happy. The vacation is really an entertainment package for the kids, and while Mom and Dad may feel some joy in giving their kids a great vacation, parents get little or any opportunity to rejuvenate their own souls, connect with each other, and still may end up secretly resenting their kids for robbing them of their vacation time. Parents come home still needing a vacation from their vacation.

Families will enjoy their vacation when they change their expectations. A family vacation is about enjoying each other as a family. Not just making sure the parents are happy. Not just making sure the kids are happy. It's about doing something together as a family to create new experiences together and forming lasting memories. It's about getting the kids to try new foods or go to the local museum because they know it's something important to Mom or to Dad. It's about enduring the crowds and going to the festival because it's something the kids really want to do. And most importantly, it's about understanding that a family vacation does not take the place of a" parents only" vacation that needs to happen periodically as well.

We just came back from one of many family vacations we have taken since that trip to Vail. We were very thoughtful in how we planned the week to make sure that it was enjoyable for everyone. This time, we rented a house instead of staying at a hotel so that we could put the kids to bed at night and still stay up to sit outside drinking wine by the pool instead of feeling trapped every night in a hotel room once the kids went to bed. This also allowed us to not only save money on food, but be more flexible in making sure there was good food choices for everyone. Once we were at our destination, we had a family discussion about what each family member wanted to make sure they did during the trip and planned out together when and how we would make sure those things got accomplished. And when our nine-month-old woke up almost every night at 1:00 am for an hour-long cry fest, my husband and I would joke that at least we're up in the middle of the night feeling the ocean breeze.

By the way, my husband loves going on family vacations with our kids now. He enjoys getting to make up for the time he doesn't get to see them during the work week. He loves showing them new places and interacting with them as they experience new things. As a family, we enjoy our time together and the adventures we have. Because the family vacation is still a vacation. It breaks the everyday routine. It allows our brains and our bodies to do something fun with people we love. It slows down life and provides rest when needed. It's about not necessarily having to go somewhere, but not having obligations that prevent us from doing something if we want. This is vacation.

Family vacations are not a vacation from parenting. They're not a vacation from being a kid. These things come with us on our trip. We accept that going in. And because of that, we enjoy our vacation together.

Are Kids Allowed to Get Angry?

Are kids allowed to get angry?

It may seem like a silly question at face value. I would guess that most of us would answer, "of course" to that question. And yet, parents often respond to their child's anger as if they have no right to feel that emotion.

Think about it. Your preschooler has an absolute meltdown when you say it's time to leave the park even though you've been there two hours. The child is clearly angry that it is time to leave. But what do we say as a parent? "Stop that! You are being dramatic. This is not something to have a meltdown about. We've been here for two hours and it's time to go. If you don't cut it out we're not coming back next time!"

Or, your seven-year-old is mad at her friend because she's not playing fair. Your child is crying, arms crossed, flung on the couch, full of frustration. Response? "Your friend is here to play with you. If you can't figure it out, then we'll just send your friend home. You're being ridiculous!"

We even have similar responses to our babies who get angry. Your exhausted little one still protests in anger when you dare to try to get them to go to sleep. "Come on," we sigh in exasperation. "You are so tired. Just take your binky and go to sleep already!"

We get stuck with our kids' anger when we expect that what gets us angry should also get our children angry (messy rooms, homework not getting completed, etc.) and what isn't a big deal to us also shouldn't be a big deal to our child (leaving the park after hours of playtime, waiting until after dinner for the cookie, etc.).

But our kids aren't us. And what is important to them isn't necessarily what's important to us. Further, kids have a right to feel angry over the things that are important to them whether we understand their reasons or not. Just like us adults, nothing is more frustrating to a child than being told you aren't allowed to feel what you feel or having your emotions dismissed as being childish.

That being said, children do need to handle their anger appropriately. But they need to learn how, and this is where parents often fail. Unfortunately, parents tend to put energy into trying to get their children to stop feeling angry instead of teaching their children what to DO when they feel angry.

Here are some tips to help you teach your kids to be angry without making life miserable for everyone else.

1. Anger is a secondary emotion. That means we feel it after we feel something else first. Help your child determine their first emotion. Are they hurt? Disappointed? Discouraged? Scared? Feeling out of control? Knowing the first emotion gives you something to talk about and address with them. Recognizing this first emotion helps children feel understood.
2. If you think of degrees of anger as being on a scale of 0 - 10 (zero being not angry at all and ten being the angriest a person can get) don't try to interact or solve a problem with a child who is clearly at "5" or above on that anger scale. Whether you are a child or an adult, no one can think clearly or act appropriately when they are this angry. Provide a cool down spot for your child (removed away from everyone else) for them to stay until they are ready to talk like a "big boy" or "big girl". This is not a punishment. Stay calm and lovingly escort them to their spot explaining what they need to do (calm down so we can talk) and be OK with waiting as long as it takes for them to realize they need to be calm before they get your attention again.
3. Give your child options for what they can do instead when they feel angry. They can say, "I don't like that" instead of "I don't like you". They can jump up and down instead of hitting. They can even say, "That makes me mad!" But they cannot scream, hit, throw a tantrum, break things or make a scene. Let your child know that you will always listen to them when they talk to you appropriately but will not listen when they don't. Then, make this the rule and expectation. Do not let inappropriate ways if handling anger ever be tolerated regardless of where you are or the situation. Never justify or excuse their behavior. Remember, you are preparing them for adulthood. Their future boss will not let them get away with a complete meltdown just because they were tired, or hungry, or not feeling well. Your job is to stay consistent with this expectation so that your child is able to learn how to be angry appropriately now and into adulthood.
4. Talk through their emotion with them. For example, "You're feeling really disappointed that it's time to leave. I understand. You were having a lot of fun. It's OK to feel disappointed. But we'll come again."
5. Redirect their anger in a positive way as soon as you can and let them use their anger to empower them. Questions like, "You don't like the way your friend is playing with you. What are some ways you could solve that problem with your friend?" or "Next time we come to the park, what do you want to make sure you do right away so you don't feel like you run out of time?" or "You feel like you miss out on playtime when it's time to do homework. How could you get your homework done and still feel like you have good playtime?"
6. In the midst of anger, coach your child through appropriate cool down techniques such as taking deep breaths, getting a drink of water, running up and down the stairs, stepping outside for some fresh air, or scribbling on a piece of paper. Doing something physical is the quickest way to calm down. If your child refuses to do any of these things or is too angry to make this decision, choose for your child and put them somewhere removed from everyone until they calm themselves down on their own.
7. Most importantly, make sure that you are modeling appropriate anger behaviors with your children. Children copy the behavior they see their parents do. Don't yell and throw "adult tantrums" when you're angry if you don't want to deal with these same behaviors with your children. Let them see you angry and the steps you take to calm yourself down. They also need to see you act on your anger in a way that positively solves your problem and resolves conflict.

If you don't know how to appropriately handle your own anger and solve your own problems you can't help your children learn these skills either. It's OK to take a class (like those offered at Xylem Family Resource) or seek other resources that can help you learn these skills so that you are able to be a better teacher to your kids. Seeking help does not mean you're a bad parent. It means you're a good one.

Finally, your child doesn't get their way just because they handled their anger appropriately. But when they do and you reward that by taking the time to acknowledge and process their feelings with them it does help them feel valued. And while they may not want to admit it in the moment, that is more important to them in the long run.

Building Self Esteem Through What We Don't Say

There is a lot of research out there about body language and how the majority of what we communicate is through our nonverbals. In fact, one study at UCLA found that up to 93% of what we say is not through words. Our tone, our gestures and our facial expressions play a much larger role in what we communicate than the words that come out of our mouth.

Try it. Watch TV with the volume off and see if you can piece together what's happening in the scene. Interesting, huh?

Several years ago, I saw a segment on Oprah where they had parents give different facial reactions to their children when they picked them up from childcare (I tried to look up the episode to share better details with you but couldn't find it. If you know more about this episode, please share it with me). What they discovered was that children's self-esteem correlated to the types of nonverbals their parents gave them when they first saw them. Parents who barely made eye contact with their child, overlooked the child and focused on talking to the other adult in the room, or simply had a blank face had children who reported a lower self-esteem than those whose parent's face lit up when they saw their child, embraced them in a hug and used body language to show interest in their child. Words did not even have to be spoken. This demonstration is consistant with similar research done regarding parents' nonverbal communicaton with their children.

This knowledge is something that haunts me.

I don't want to send the message to my children that they are unimportant. Or even that they are just less important than other things in my life. I certainly don't want my nonverbal communication to be something that negatively impacts my children's self-esteem!

So, I intentionally try make sure the first and the last facial/body message that my children get from me is that I am happy that they are in my life and that I love them with all my heart. Some days this is more difficult than others. On days when we're running ten minutes late to school because of goofing around, or when the baby is crying and requiring a lot of my attention, or when I just flat-out don't feel good, making my body smile and my eyes light up with excitement and my arms wrap around a little body in a hug seems like moving dead weight. But more important than any of this is that my kids leave for their day with their self-esteem boosted knowing that their mommy loves them not just because those words came out of her mouth. And at the end of the day, they know they are coming home with someone who thinks the world of them and is not picking them up because it's just the next thing on my to-do list.

Many times I have to really think about it. I have to remind myself to show my excitement. I have to tell my eyes to soften. I have to open up my mouth in a big smile and widen my arms in preparation for an embrace. Not because I have to force myself to love my kids. More because I have to step out of my selfish world of I'm exhausted, I'm not in the mood, I just want to get out of here. In these moments I have to remember that I have three adorable children who just want reassurance that yes, even today, I am glad I'm their mommy.

This is not about being fake with my kids. I'm not suggesting that I cover up my stress, frustration, or sickness and give the "every thing's rainbows and roses" June Clever cheese ball hello and good bye. Anyone who knows me and my kids knows I'm pretty candid with them about how I'm feeling. But when it's all said and done. When they have heard how I feel. Can they SEE that despite it all I love them and think they are amazing?

What does 93% of me say to my kids on a day-to-day basis?

What are you saying to your kids?

Obviously, the same rules apply beyond just the Hellos and Good-Byes we give our kids. What other areas are our nonverbal communications just as important?

Talking About Haiti

Isabella and Nate were flipping through channels on the TV last week. Isabella paused for a moment on the news. Something caught her eye. "Oh," she said. "It's just about an earthquake." She went to reach for the remote to change the channel again.

I stopped her.

"Actually you guys," I said, "it's not just an earthquake. It's a very sad and terrible thing that has happened."

There is definitely balance needed when talking to kids about devastation, disasters, violence, hurt, heartache, death. Especially with young children. Things that happen outside their own sphere of experience, particularly events in another country far away, are abstract and difficult to get little minds around, regardless of whether it's good or bad. It's hard for adults to get our minds around.

And yet, I don't want to raise my children completely sheltered from the "bad" of the world despite the part of me that wants my children to believe the world is all about Popsicles, swings, and playgroups. It seems easier to let them believe that the only death in the world is the death of a pet fish and that "starving" is what we say when it's way past when we should have had dinner. Exposing them to the ugly side of life is a lot harder. But I want my kids to be compassionate toward others. I want them to learn that the world isn't all about them. That there are many hurting people in this world and we can play a role in healing some of those wounds. I don't want a child who sees the coverage of the earthquake in Haiti and it's victims to be so used to me changing the channel, just so they won't be upset by what they see, that they don't know to feel sorrow for the suffering of other people. Or worse, a child who doesn't even realize that there are other people in the world suffering while we sit in our warm house playing our Wii and eating chocolate brownies.

And so I told my children about the earthquake. I told them about how poor the country was and how little the people there had in concrete ways they could understand. I told them that the children there didn't have rooms full of toys and that many people there didn't even have televisions. I told them that many homes didn't have sinks and toilets with running water. They already had very little. And then the earthquake came and destroyed almost all of the buildings in the city. The very little they had got lost. Their homes fell. Their work places fell. Many many many people died. And the people there are very very sad and scared.

My kids grew silent processing what this all meant. Then they asked questions, and I let them. I helped them process the information they were hearing to the best of their developmental ability. But I also included hope for them. We talked about how people from all over the world were coming to help them. I told them people from our country were sending food and supplies. I told them our church and many other churches were praying for them and that they could, too.

Just as important, I reassured my children that this happened in a country far away. The earthquake was not in our city. We are safe. Our buildings are stronger. We have more resources. We are fortunate that our situation is very different from the people in Haiti.

All this having been said, we don't keep the television on with the Haiti images constantly rolling in front of our children. They don't need to see hours of disturbing pictures to learn the qualities I desire for them. We limit how much news we watch about it on TV because they are already getting it everywhere anyway. There's news teasers during the shows they watch. The d.j.'s on the radio discuss it. The kids are talking about it at school. I'm not worried that they are clueless to what's going on.

And now my role is to be available to them as I allow them to learn and experience this side of life. My kids have said they felt sad about Haiti. I need to be OK that they are sad. They have felt concerned, wondering if people are still helping them or was it just for one day? I'm thankful they're concerned and that they can be reassured that help is still coming, learning that a situation like this can't be "all better" in one day. Isabella has felt helpless. I've been able to talk to her about ways even she can help by giving some of her money, praying, even loving her own friends and family during this time. My kids are learning something valuable and I am here to teach and guide them through this learning process.

Events like the tragedy in Haiti are awful. But because I chose not to shelter my children from it, my kids are able to develop compassion for those less fortunate than they. They are able to develop empathy toward others who are outside of their world experience. They begin to understand that while the world is a bigger place than they realized, they can still have an impact on it. And they will ultimately be better individuals for it.

CBS News offered a great article that includes a video on some tips for talking to your kids about tragic events such as the one in Haiti if you would like more information on this topic. Click here for a link to that article.

Please share how you are talking to your kids about this and any questions or concerns you have encountered along the way.

Consistency and a Parking Lot Time Out

Ah, my sweet Nate. He is so in a phase right now. Challenging the rules. Being extra stubborn. Whining incessantly. Pushing buttons as often as he can. Trying to find the loopholes so that he can get away with whatever it is he wants to get away with for as long as he can.

When I'm not in the midst of experiencing his "phase", there is actually a part of me that loves this aspect of him. It's a glimpse into his personality that potentially will be a great quality to have if developed in a positive way. I love watching his brain at work. He's a smart kid. The way he thinks. His logic. It's great!

And he can drive us all crazy!

I can't begin to tell you how many times Nate has heard, "Stop" in the last couple weeks. My husband and I have thrown every parenting technique his way. I seriously think he is on a secret mission to see if he can break us. To be honest, there have been a few times where I have thought that he just might.

But the key to dealing with this behavior is consistency. It's hard sometimes. It's exhausting sometimes. It's inconvenient sometimes. But all times it's necessary if I want the undesired behavior to change.

The other day, he was picking on his sister. She told him to stop several times. He didn't. I told him to stop. He didn't. I pulled him aside and gave him a firm reminder of stopping when asked to stop or he would be choosing a time out. He said he understood. We got in the car.

As I pulled out of the parking spot Nate started in on another argument with his sister. She was saying, "it is" and he was saying, "it isn't" just to be contrary. I pointed out to Nate that this is an example of picking a fight with his sister and that I was going to jump in right then and say, "stop". This shouldn't have been a problem for him since we had just talked about this. But in the ever so soft whisper of my five-year-old (who remember is always seeking out the loophole) I hear, "it isn't".

By now we're at the stoplight. I don't say anything. The light turns green. I don't say anything. I drove the car into the first parking lot across the street from where we had been and pulled into a parking space. Nate perked up and asked, "What are we doing here, Mom?".

"Well, Nate," I replied, "we're here to do a time out. I told you that would happen if you weren't going to listen and stop when you were asked to stop. I told you to stop and you still chose to whisper 'it isn't" right after I had told you to stop." Nate's face sunk. I think it was more the look of, "Dang. She caught me." But he didn't argue. Nate got out of the car and did his time out on the curb in the parking lot while Isabella, the baby and I sat in the car.
Real quick side note here. Nate was perfectly safe. I was right there beside him. He wasn't freezing. I actually reduced his time from the typical five minutes to two-and-a-half because it was chilly. Time out is never punishment. My goal is not to make my kids suffer. The purpose is to follow through with the choices they make and always mean what I say regardless of where we are. As a result, my kids know that a time out can happen anywhere, even on the side of the road. Just because we're in a car does not mean consequences can't happen.

Nate was actually pretty sweet the rest of this day and did a great job of "stopping" when asked to stop the next time the opportunity presented itself. Consistency pays off.

I know there is more to come from him. But it won't last forever. In the meantime, I remember I love him and because of this I will do my best to stay consistent.

"No" At Christmas

Can you relate to this scene?

Walking through the mall, doing some last minute Christmas shopping with Nate, we passed a woman who was doing balloon animals. Admittedly, they were pretty amazing creations. And there were a lot of parents purchasing one for their child in exchange for a donation to the charity she was supporting.

Nate really wanted one. I said, “No.” He did not like that answer.

The whining began. “Mom, I reaaallly want one! You never let me get one of those! And I want one today!”

To which I responded, “I hear ya, Bud. But not today,” and continued to walk away.

Nate’s face transformed. Brows furrowed. Lips pouty. Eyes glaring. He stuck his foot in front of the stroller to stop it and firmly repeated, “I want a balloon!” It actually surprised me a bit, my five-year-old acting like he was two. Normally Nate doesn’t behave like this. Apparently, he was in a mood to test the boundaries this day.

I know I’m not alone in this type of experience with my kids. I see similar scenarios all the time between other parents and their kids. What they choose to do next dictates what lies ahead. For some, the argument continues and escalates as parent and child engage in a power struggle that includes more crying, yelling, embarrassment, maybe even physical interactions. For others, in effort to avoid the power struggle, the parent gives in, even though they may try to make themselves feel like this isn’t the case by stating something like, “If you don’t calm down you’re not getting anything” or “If I get you the balloon then you can’t have ‘X’ later. Is that OK with you?” The child learns that they are ultimately the one in control and can just throw a temper tantrum (or threaten to have one) to get what they want. Parent is left frustrated. Child is left with a feeling of entitlement. The relationship between the two is damaged. And the scenario will happen again.

That doesn’t work for me. I get that Nate is five and doesn’t understand why sometimes I say no to things he wants. I get that he thinks the balloon animals are cool and really does want one. However, he needs to learn that he can’t always get what he wants. And he definitely needs to know that this kind of behavior is not going to get him success.

So, I immediately stopped in my tracks, grabbed his arm and pulled him to me. I squatted down to his level and talked so only he could hear me, but firmly because I wanted him to know that I was serious.

“Nate, I know you want a balloon. But today we are not getting one. Instead, I am choosing to spend my money on other Christmas gifts for you. I love you very much. And I want to get you nice things that I know you will enjoy. When I’m not treated with respect, it doesn’t make me very excited to buy any gifts. Remember that Mommy and Daddy take good care of you. And you will be getting a lot of wonderful gifts in just a few days from lots of people who love you. You do not need a balloon animal today and my answer is, “No”. Do you understand?” Nate nodded his head.

I continued, “Now I need an apology from you for the way you were acting because that is not OK.” Nate apologized.

“OK, Bud. Thank you for saying,’sorry.’” I gave him a hug and told him I loved him. Then we got up to go catch up with Dad and Isabella.

This worked quickly and effectively because this is a common interaction between me and my kids. They know that I understand where they’re coming from. They know that I usually will give them a reason behind my ”no” so it doesn’t just feel arbitrary to them. But my kids also know that I am consistent with my “no.” They know that if they push beyond the final “no” I will also be consistent with a consequence like “time out”, even if we’re in the middle of a busy mall.

Kids wanting and asking is inevitable, especially at Christmastime when there are so many exciting things potentially available to them. But that does not mean the power struggles are inevitable, or the meltdowns, or the frustrations, or the empty wallet. It is OK to say no in a firm but loving way and still have a Merry Christmas!

Don’t forget your consistency this Christmas. And don’t forget to enjoy this special time with your children!

Christmas is About Giving

One of the questions I get a lot around the holidays is how to help children realize that Christmas is not just about toys. Many parents get really frustrated with the consumerism mentality of Christmas. I don’t think there is one answer to this question. But I thought I’d share some of the things we do in our family around this issue.

To begin with, I don’t think it’s the presents that are the problem at Christmas. In fact, the gifts are an important part of the symbolism of what Christmas is really about. However, it’s also important to me that my kids don’t see Christmas as one big Gift Getting day. As a result, we’ve tried to be very intentional about helping the kids understand that while receiving gifts is a lot of fun, Christmas is actually about the GIVING of gifts.

Here are some of the things we do to encourage a different mindset about Christmas presents:

1. We teach our kids that we give gifts to others to show our love for them. We do this in response to the gift of love that God gave to us when he gave us his son. We talk about this several times leading up to Christmas including having the kids remind us all about this before we open any presents on Christmas morning.

2. We encourage the kids to make a list of the people in their lives that they want to show love to this Christmas. We ask them to think about each person and what that person might really like to receive for Christmas. Having the kids think about each person and what they could do or give to them to show them love encourages our kids to keep the focus on others. My kids actually LOVE this process.

3. My children are always involved in picking out the gift that will be from them. Yes, it is way easier to go shopping on my own and just write their name on the tag of the gift I bought (whispering in their ear what the item is before the gift is opened so they know what it is). But doing it this way only reinforces that it’s just about getting a gift and not the thought behind it.

4. Instead of lots of gifts to our kids, we give a few thoughtful gifts (one gift from Santa and two gifts from us). My kids are not deprived of gifts by any means. Between siblings, grandparents, aunts, and friends my kids get more than enough presents at Christmas.

5. Gift tags don’t just say, “To:” and “From:”. We also include something on there about how much we love them and what they mean to us. We encourage our kids to do the same on their tags.

6. Instead of just adding to the piles of toys in their room each Christmas, we encourage our kids to give away older toys before Christmas. We offer one dollar for every toy they give away. The money received is used to help them buy gifts for their friends, siblings or cousins. More importantly, it provides an opportunity to talk about those less fortunate than us and the things that we can do (like donating) to help those in need.

7. We try to provide other ways for the kids to make some money so that they really feel like the gift is from them (not to mention the other life skills they learn from this process). Our kids are still young enough that we will help supplement the cost of a gift if needed.

8. We realized a few years ago that we spent all of December talking about the meaning of Christmas, celebrating Advent, reminding the kids about why we buy gifts for others, etc. and then Christmas morning came and the focus was all on opening gifts and eating food. So, we moved the reading of the Christmas story from the Bible to Christmas morning before gifts were opened as a lead in to why we were about to share gifts with one another. I have liked this new tradition in my family. I would like to think of some other things we can do Christmas Day as well that keeps the day Christ-focused as well.

These are just some of the things we do to help teach our kids that Christmas is not just about all the presents you get. I am very proud of my children that they seem to understand this. I love watching them be just as excited about the gifts they plan to give as they are thinking about what they might get from others this year. And I love that I don’t have children left with a feeling of entitlement over the holidays. It is so much fun to celebrate Christmas with my kids, giving them gifts because I love them, not because I have to, and receiving gifts from them that they have put thought into and are excited to give. It has proven to me that it is definitely possible to celebrate Christmas with children and it not just be all about the presents and consumerism.

I KNOW that you out there have some great ideas and traditions that you do that help your children with this same issue. Please share them. I am always looking for more ideas for my family and to share with others!

Yes, There is a Santa Claus

My kids believe in Santa. Santa is part of our Christmas celebration. My kids also know inside and out what Christmas is really about. I don't worry that letting our kids believe in Santa overshadows the birth of Jesus or will damage them in the long run.

Why and How? First, I would say that Santa is 10% of our overall Holiday experience. Our kids visit Santa at the mall (we tell them that this is not the real Santa, but a Santa's helper with direct connection to the "real" Santa. So telling the mall santa what they want for Christmas is like telling the "real" Santa). But the majority of the talk about Santa happens Christmas Eve as we write a letter to him welcoming him to our home, leave out cookies and milk (and carrots for the reindeer) and encourage our excited children to go to sleep so Santa can come. In the morning, stockings have been filled and Santa has left one special present for each of them wrapped in different paper, usually their "big" present; the present they most wanted. Santa also leaves a note for them by the empty cookie plate thanking them for being such wonderful children, highlighting some of the things he noticed this year when they had been "good", and encouraging them to keep up the great job. He has also left for them in the past a bag of birdseed asking them to help take care of the birds in our neighborhood. Outside, there are carrot crumbs left on the ground and our cars from the messy reindeer. We do these things and have fun with them. My kids are still young enough that they believe in it all (although I think this may be the last year for Isabella). And I let them.

But my kids also understand that Santa is just a part of the celebration of Jesus' birth, like the pinata at a birthday party. We tell the kids that Santa does what he does because he wants to participate in the giving of gifts just as God gave to us. Yes, Santa celebrates the birth of Christ. This is why we do only one gift from Santa. It's not about getting lots of gifts from him, rather it's about Santa participating in giving gifts to us just as we give gifts to each other in response to God giving us the greatest gift ever. More on gift giving in a future post.

The majority of our focus as a family during the Christmas season is around Advent, the meaning of the candles that we light every night at dinner, the Advent book that we read every night before bed that leads us up to Bethlehem (we use Advent Storybook by Antonie Schneider. Perfect for preschoolers, but my first-grader still enjoys the simple stories each night) and the retelling of the Christmas Story throughout the days and weeks before Christmas.

We have a very special nativity set that is a major focus in our living room to look at and visually remind us as a family what the season is about. And we have a plastic nativity set that is just for our kids to play with and set up however they choose.

I model for them that while I have fun singing Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, my favorite Christmas song is O Holy Night because of the amazing words that speak of Christ's birth. And our favorite Christmas movie is A Charlie Brown Christmas with Linus' explanation of what Christmas is all about.

The point is, Santa is a part of our celebration, he is not the celebration. My kids know this. They haven't lost the true meaning of Christmas. However, they still participate in the magic and childhood imagination of Santa Claus.

There is a lot of research out there on the effects of discovering the truth about Santa on kids including how this may impact a child's belief in God. There is also research that a belief in Santa can actually have some positive effects on children developmentally. I have shared some of this information on the Xylem Family Resource Facebook page on our wall and also as a discussion topic "To Santa or Not to Santa, That is the Question". If you haven't already, I encourage you to take a look at some of this information.

I know this is a hot topic. Because this is the way we do it in our family does not necessarily mean that this is the "right" way or the "best" way. It's A way. I've chosen to do it this way after a lot of thought and consideration and it seems to be a great balance for the kids. Let me know what questions you have!

Dangers of Parental Disagreement

In a previous post, I told the story of how our lamp shade got broken ( read You Break It, You Pay For It). After giving us $4 from his coin bank, Nate had decided that he wanted to try to sell some of his toys to pay the remaining amount of his half for the new shade.

The other day, we were doing a run to Goodwill to drop off some items we had cleaned out of the garage. I told the kids that I would pay them a dollar for every toy they wanted to give away mentioning that this could be money used toward buying Christmas presents for friends or, in Nate’s case, to pay off the remaining $3 balance on the lamp shade.

Nate raced up the stairs and came down with his large Tonka Dump Truck and proceeded to take it outside where his dad was loading up the car. I could overhear the following conversation:

Dad: What are you doing with that?
Nate: I’m giving this away.
Dad: No. You don’t need to give that away. That’s your good truck.
Nate: But Mom’s going to give me a dollar for it.

Seconds later my husband came inside. “Why are you letting him give this away?” my husband asked.

I explained to him what I told the kids.

My husband did not think this was a good idea. “He plays with this truck. We could go upstairs and clean out a ton of toys that they actually don’t play with and give those away. It doesn’t make any sense to give away toys that they play with.”

I totally saw his point. On the other hand, I argued that the toy must not be that important to him if he was so willing to give it away for a dollar. Besides, they had so many toys that I actually didn’t care which ones they got rid of.

My husband and I went back and forth on this until finally I agreed that we’d hold off on the toys until we could spend more time really helping the kids think about which toys they wanted to give away.

Fast forward to yesterday. I was asking Nate to do something for me that he was reluctant to do. Before the power struggle I knew was coming began, I reminded Nate that he needed to listen to Mommy.

It was almost as if he was waiting for the cue. He looked up at me and said, “I don’t always have to listen to you.”

“Oh yes you do, Nate,” I responded.

“But sometimes I only have to listen to Dad and not to you,” he retorted.

“What are you talking about? Mom and Dad are a team and you need to listen to both of us. What Dad says and what I say are the same.”

And then Nate brought up the incident with the truck reminding me that what I had said didn’t mean anything and that Dad was the one who got to decide what to do with the truck in the end.

I work with dozens of couples helping them parent more effectively as a team. One of the major things I always emphasize with them is that you never disagree with each other in front of the kids. If there is disagreement, you always go into another location away from the kids to work it out so that you can come back out as a united front.

Even when it’s a small disagreement like taking a truck to Goodwill.

The fact that my husband disagreed on what should be done with the toys was not the problem. It’s OK that we disagreed. And our discussion was not the problem. We argued back and forth on the issue and came to a mutual agreement that worked for both of us. The problem was that we did all of that in front of the kids leaving the impression that Dad “won” and therefore must have more authority than Mom even though that is not the case. If we had had our same discussion in private and then I came out telling Nate that Mommy and Daddy have changed our minds and we’ve decided to wait until we can go through your toys together, it would have changed the perception of who was really in charge for Nate. He would have seen us more as a united team than two opposing sides battling for a win.

Thank you Nate for reminding me of this.

How good are you and your spouse at keeping your parenting disagreements private? Do your kids see you as a united front or opposing sides? What can the two of you do better?