Christmas is About Giving

One of the questions I get a lot around the holidays is how to help children realize that Christmas is not just about toys. Many parents get really frustrated with the consumerism mentality of Christmas. I don’t think there is one answer to this question. But I thought I’d share some of the things we do in our family around this issue.

To begin with, I don’t think it’s the presents that are the problem at Christmas. In fact, the gifts are an important part of the symbolism of what Christmas is really about. However, it’s also important to me that my kids don’t see Christmas as one big Gift Getting day. As a result, we’ve tried to be very intentional about helping the kids understand that while receiving gifts is a lot of fun, Christmas is actually about the GIVING of gifts.

Here are some of the things we do to encourage a different mindset about Christmas presents:

1. We teach our kids that we give gifts to others to show our love for them. We do this in response to the gift of love that God gave to us when he gave us his son. We talk about this several times leading up to Christmas including having the kids remind us all about this before we open any presents on Christmas morning.

2. We encourage the kids to make a list of the people in their lives that they want to show love to this Christmas. We ask them to think about each person and what that person might really like to receive for Christmas. Having the kids think about each person and what they could do or give to them to show them love encourages our kids to keep the focus on others. My kids actually LOVE this process.

3. My children are always involved in picking out the gift that will be from them. Yes, it is way easier to go shopping on my own and just write their name on the tag of the gift I bought (whispering in their ear what the item is before the gift is opened so they know what it is). But doing it this way only reinforces that it’s just about getting a gift and not the thought behind it.

4. Instead of lots of gifts to our kids, we give a few thoughtful gifts (one gift from Santa and two gifts from us). My kids are not deprived of gifts by any means. Between siblings, grandparents, aunts, and friends my kids get more than enough presents at Christmas.

5. Gift tags don’t just say, “To:” and “From:”. We also include something on there about how much we love them and what they mean to us. We encourage our kids to do the same on their tags.

6. Instead of just adding to the piles of toys in their room each Christmas, we encourage our kids to give away older toys before Christmas. We offer one dollar for every toy they give away. The money received is used to help them buy gifts for their friends, siblings or cousins. More importantly, it provides an opportunity to talk about those less fortunate than us and the things that we can do (like donating) to help those in need.

7. We try to provide other ways for the kids to make some money so that they really feel like the gift is from them (not to mention the other life skills they learn from this process). Our kids are still young enough that we will help supplement the cost of a gift if needed.

8. We realized a few years ago that we spent all of December talking about the meaning of Christmas, celebrating Advent, reminding the kids about why we buy gifts for others, etc. and then Christmas morning came and the focus was all on opening gifts and eating food. So, we moved the reading of the Christmas story from the Bible to Christmas morning before gifts were opened as a lead in to why we were about to share gifts with one another. I have liked this new tradition in my family. I would like to think of some other things we can do Christmas Day as well that keeps the day Christ-focused as well.

These are just some of the things we do to help teach our kids that Christmas is not just about all the presents you get. I am very proud of my children that they seem to understand this. I love watching them be just as excited about the gifts they plan to give as they are thinking about what they might get from others this year. And I love that I don’t have children left with a feeling of entitlement over the holidays. It is so much fun to celebrate Christmas with my kids, giving them gifts because I love them, not because I have to, and receiving gifts from them that they have put thought into and are excited to give. It has proven to me that it is definitely possible to celebrate Christmas with children and it not just be all about the presents and consumerism.

I KNOW that you out there have some great ideas and traditions that you do that help your children with this same issue. Please share them. I am always looking for more ideas for my family and to share with others!

Yes, There is a Santa Claus

My kids believe in Santa. Santa is part of our Christmas celebration. My kids also know inside and out what Christmas is really about. I don't worry that letting our kids believe in Santa overshadows the birth of Jesus or will damage them in the long run.

Why and How? First, I would say that Santa is 10% of our overall Holiday experience. Our kids visit Santa at the mall (we tell them that this is not the real Santa, but a Santa's helper with direct connection to the "real" Santa. So telling the mall santa what they want for Christmas is like telling the "real" Santa). But the majority of the talk about Santa happens Christmas Eve as we write a letter to him welcoming him to our home, leave out cookies and milk (and carrots for the reindeer) and encourage our excited children to go to sleep so Santa can come. In the morning, stockings have been filled and Santa has left one special present for each of them wrapped in different paper, usually their "big" present; the present they most wanted. Santa also leaves a note for them by the empty cookie plate thanking them for being such wonderful children, highlighting some of the things he noticed this year when they had been "good", and encouraging them to keep up the great job. He has also left for them in the past a bag of birdseed asking them to help take care of the birds in our neighborhood. Outside, there are carrot crumbs left on the ground and our cars from the messy reindeer. We do these things and have fun with them. My kids are still young enough that they believe in it all (although I think this may be the last year for Isabella). And I let them.

But my kids also understand that Santa is just a part of the celebration of Jesus' birth, like the pinata at a birthday party. We tell the kids that Santa does what he does because he wants to participate in the giving of gifts just as God gave to us. Yes, Santa celebrates the birth of Christ. This is why we do only one gift from Santa. It's not about getting lots of gifts from him, rather it's about Santa participating in giving gifts to us just as we give gifts to each other in response to God giving us the greatest gift ever. More on gift giving in a future post.

The majority of our focus as a family during the Christmas season is around Advent, the meaning of the candles that we light every night at dinner, the Advent book that we read every night before bed that leads us up to Bethlehem (we use Advent Storybook by Antonie Schneider. Perfect for preschoolers, but my first-grader still enjoys the simple stories each night) and the retelling of the Christmas Story throughout the days and weeks before Christmas.

We have a very special nativity set that is a major focus in our living room to look at and visually remind us as a family what the season is about. And we have a plastic nativity set that is just for our kids to play with and set up however they choose.

I model for them that while I have fun singing Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, my favorite Christmas song is O Holy Night because of the amazing words that speak of Christ's birth. And our favorite Christmas movie is A Charlie Brown Christmas with Linus' explanation of what Christmas is all about.

The point is, Santa is a part of our celebration, he is not the celebration. My kids know this. They haven't lost the true meaning of Christmas. However, they still participate in the magic and childhood imagination of Santa Claus.

There is a lot of research out there on the effects of discovering the truth about Santa on kids including how this may impact a child's belief in God. There is also research that a belief in Santa can actually have some positive effects on children developmentally. I have shared some of this information on the Xylem Family Resource Facebook page on our wall and also as a discussion topic "To Santa or Not to Santa, That is the Question". If you haven't already, I encourage you to take a look at some of this information.

I know this is a hot topic. Because this is the way we do it in our family does not necessarily mean that this is the "right" way or the "best" way. It's A way. I've chosen to do it this way after a lot of thought and consideration and it seems to be a great balance for the kids. Let me know what questions you have!

Letting Fear Have Too Much Control!

Do you let fear influence how you parent? Do you skip out on a vacation with your spouse because you're "scared" what it would look like to leave your children with someone else for more than 24 hours? I mean, what could happen, right? And you wouldn't be there! Or are you so consumed by what could happen at school, the influences, the teachers, the instruction, that you fret for months trying to find the "right" school for your child only to end up transferring your child to a new school the next year because the first one just wasn't good enough? I actually know parents who are stressing about what elementary school to send their child to and their child isn't even two-years-old yet.

As parents, we try to control so much of our child's lives, don't we? I catch myself doing it all the time. And my fear of "what will happen if I don't control it all" creeps into making some pretty dumb parenting mistakes. I've caught myself making a big deal out of my son who really wants to tuck in his t-shirt into his warm-up pants. Why? Because we're going out into public and I don't want people to think my son is a nerd or that I am a parent with no fashion sense. And so I create a battle with my son over his clothes. I feel so stupid about that in retrospect.

My daughter just got glasses. She thinks they are so cool, and even though the doctor told her she doesn't need to wear them all the time, she wants to because she thinks they're so neat. I am fighting not to fear for her at school today. I don't want the kids to tease her. I don't want people to miss what a beautiful girl she is because they see her in glasses. As if her whole beauty was dictated by whether or not she wears glasses! I know. Ridiculous! But this morning I found myself trying to go over with her again that she didn't have to wear her glasses all the time, and to put them in their case if she needed to, and, and, and... yadda yadda yadda, to which my daughter replied in exasperation, "Mom! I know! You've told me all this already!" I know most of my fear stems from my insecurities that developed when I was a little girl wearing glasses. I did NOT think they were great. I did not feel beautiful in them. And I got teased. But that doesn't mean my daughter will, too. And if she does? Truly, I can't protect her from every life encounter. And part of life is learning how to deal with the bumps in the road.

When I stop to think about it, there are so many areas where fear influences my parenting from the activities I involve them in, to how I dress them, to how I push them in their school work. Taking them to piano, buying them new clothes or making them take their time to do their homework is not bad in and of itself. But my motivation behind why I'm doing those things can be if I don't keep it in check. Because I don't want my kids to do any of these things out of fear. I don't want my daughter to be fearful of wearing her glasses. I want her to wear them with confidence and know she is beautiful regardless of what's on her face. I want my kids to do their best in school because I want them to realize their full potential academically not because they're scared they're going to get a bad grade or not keep up with their friends' grades. My fear should not turn into their motivating fear. Operating out of fear is not how we are suppose to live our lives. It's not healthy and it's certainly not what God intended for us.

But I also have to let go of these fears for the sake of making my job easier as a parent. After all, I CAN'T control everything in my child's life. And God didn't intend for me to. Tim Kimmel, in his book "Grace Based Parenting" (a book everyone should read. Get your copy now!) addresses this very issue. He writes,

It's true that your child is vulnerable, the world is evil, and Satan is destructive, but there is one other point that trumps all of these concerns. God is mighty!...Making safety the priority tells our children that we think God is incapable of doing what He said He would do for His children.

It's hard to accept as a parent that there is only so much I can do and control and to trust that God will fulfill his promise to protect and take care of my child (one of his children, too!) in the areas that I can't. I continue to try to work on this. The better I get at it, the easier parenting becomes for me. Fear and trying to keep control take up a lot of energy. And God knows I need as much of that energy as I can get to keep up with my kids!

How about you? What fears drive your parenting? Leave a comment and let us know. Let's work on this together!