I'm Not Solving Your Problem

Last week Isabella got her first spelling list of the year sent home. Attached with the list was a nice letter from her teacher explaining how lists will be sent home and giving wonderful creative suggestions for how the kids could practice their words. Her first spelling test was going to be the following Wednesday.

Looking over the list, Isabella and I saw that many of the words she already knew how to spell. But there were a few that we would have to work together to help her learn. However, it was Labor Day weekend. The grandparents were coming to stay with us and we were all excited for their visit. Isabella and I agreed that she did not have to work on the spelling words over the weekend as long as she worked on them really hard with me on Monday and Tuesday evening.

Monday evening came and as was agreed to, Isabella was sent to get her spelling list.

She didn't know where it was. She was sent to look for it, and after a lengthy search, announced she couldn't find it. Isabella had a problem.

The problem was, she needed to study her spelling words that night and the next as was agreed to. She needed to study these words because she had a test on Wednesday with words that she didn't quite know how to spell.

I looked at Isabella, stated to her the problem, and asked her how she was going to solve her problem. "I'll get a new list tomorrow and bring it home to study," she answered.

"OK," I replied. "But how does that solve your problem of needing to study your words tonight?"

She stared back blankly at me, shocked that I was implying that she could possibly do anything this evening related to spelling words.

"But Mom! I don't have the list. I can't study my words tonight!" she reminded me, stating the obvious.

"I understand you don't have your list. But your agreement with me was that you were to work on your spelling words tonight and tomorrow. How are you going to solve this problem? You need to study your words tonight."

Then realization hit her. She knew I was being serious. Panic set in. On came the water works. The sobs. The protests. The "What am I supposed to do?"

Isabella will be eight next month. She's a very bright girl. And because she has a mom who has focused on teaching her and her siblings skills on how to take ownership of and solve their own problems I know that she is capable of coming up with solutions for many of her second-grade-sized problems. And I knew that this was the perfect opportunity to show her that I believed this.

"I'm not going to solve this problem for you Isabella. You need to figure out how you're going to solve it. I know you can do it because you are very good at solving problems."

Because she was still sobbing at "the unfairness of it all", I showed her the nice comfy chair in the living room that would be great for thinking, and told her to come find me when she had come up with some ideas.

Ten minutes went by as she just sat there crying. Then the crying turned to whimpers and for the next ten minutes she mumbled about how it was so unfair and how "I don't have my list. What does she expect from me?" I even heard, "I'm just a kid. Why can't she [I assumed she meant me] just let me not do it?" Gotta admit. That one made me laugh from the other room.

But, twenty minutes after I sent her to her thinking spot, she slowly walked up to me.

"Mom. I have an idea"

"Great, Isabella! What did you come up with?"

"I can use some of the words I have on the papers I brought home from school," (these were worksheets that practiced a portion of the words in the classroom and had been graded and sent home on Friday) "and then I will ask Mrs. Lewis for the list again first thing in the morning and practice extra long tomorrow night."

"I think that's a great idea, Isabella. Good problem solving!" She gave me a big smile and turned around immediately to go find her worksheets.

Isabella was able to make a list consisting of about half her spelling words. We spent time working on those. This morning she let me know that she remembered that she was going to ask for the full list that day at school.

I could have solved the problem for her. I had actually thought of the same solution she came up with (although I forced myself to come up with three other ideas she could have picked just to make sure it was possible). I know we could have saved twenty minutes of crying and drama if I had just offered up that solution to her to begin with. But in the end, the twenty minutes was worth having Isabella take ownership of her own problem and coming up with its solution. It also taught her that I believe that she is capable of solving her problems and doesn't need me to do it for her. That's worth it to me.

Sometimes parenting takes extra effort up front. But teaching your children how to solve their own problems actually will save time in the long run because they won't be constantly relying on you to do it for them. But maybe more importantly is the self-confidence and pride that develops from knowing that when bad situations happen, which of course they will, they can handle it. Problems won't be as overwhelming. Life's problems can be tackled and solved. Isn't this what we all desire for our children?