I'm Not Solving Your Problem

Last week Isabella got her first spelling list of the year sent home. Attached with the list was a nice letter from her teacher explaining how lists will be sent home and giving wonderful creative suggestions for how the kids could practice their words. Her first spelling test was going to be the following Wednesday.

Looking over the list, Isabella and I saw that many of the words she already knew how to spell. But there were a few that we would have to work together to help her learn. However, it was Labor Day weekend. The grandparents were coming to stay with us and we were all excited for their visit. Isabella and I agreed that she did not have to work on the spelling words over the weekend as long as she worked on them really hard with me on Monday and Tuesday evening.

Monday evening came and as was agreed to, Isabella was sent to get her spelling list.

She didn't know where it was. She was sent to look for it, and after a lengthy search, announced she couldn't find it. Isabella had a problem.

The problem was, she needed to study her spelling words that night and the next as was agreed to. She needed to study these words because she had a test on Wednesday with words that she didn't quite know how to spell.

I looked at Isabella, stated to her the problem, and asked her how she was going to solve her problem. "I'll get a new list tomorrow and bring it home to study," she answered.

"OK," I replied. "But how does that solve your problem of needing to study your words tonight?"

She stared back blankly at me, shocked that I was implying that she could possibly do anything this evening related to spelling words.

"But Mom! I don't have the list. I can't study my words tonight!" she reminded me, stating the obvious.

"I understand you don't have your list. But your agreement with me was that you were to work on your spelling words tonight and tomorrow. How are you going to solve this problem? You need to study your words tonight."

Then realization hit her. She knew I was being serious. Panic set in. On came the water works. The sobs. The protests. The "What am I supposed to do?"

Isabella will be eight next month. She's a very bright girl. And because she has a mom who has focused on teaching her and her siblings skills on how to take ownership of and solve their own problems I know that she is capable of coming up with solutions for many of her second-grade-sized problems. And I knew that this was the perfect opportunity to show her that I believed this.

"I'm not going to solve this problem for you Isabella. You need to figure out how you're going to solve it. I know you can do it because you are very good at solving problems."

Because she was still sobbing at "the unfairness of it all", I showed her the nice comfy chair in the living room that would be great for thinking, and told her to come find me when she had come up with some ideas.

Ten minutes went by as she just sat there crying. Then the crying turned to whimpers and for the next ten minutes she mumbled about how it was so unfair and how "I don't have my list. What does she expect from me?" I even heard, "I'm just a kid. Why can't she [I assumed she meant me] just let me not do it?" Gotta admit. That one made me laugh from the other room.

But, twenty minutes after I sent her to her thinking spot, she slowly walked up to me.

"Mom. I have an idea"

"Great, Isabella! What did you come up with?"

"I can use some of the words I have on the papers I brought home from school," (these were worksheets that practiced a portion of the words in the classroom and had been graded and sent home on Friday) "and then I will ask Mrs. Lewis for the list again first thing in the morning and practice extra long tomorrow night."

"I think that's a great idea, Isabella. Good problem solving!" She gave me a big smile and turned around immediately to go find her worksheets.

Isabella was able to make a list consisting of about half her spelling words. We spent time working on those. This morning she let me know that she remembered that she was going to ask for the full list that day at school.

I could have solved the problem for her. I had actually thought of the same solution she came up with (although I forced myself to come up with three other ideas she could have picked just to make sure it was possible). I know we could have saved twenty minutes of crying and drama if I had just offered up that solution to her to begin with. But in the end, the twenty minutes was worth having Isabella take ownership of her own problem and coming up with its solution. It also taught her that I believe that she is capable of solving her problems and doesn't need me to do it for her. That's worth it to me.

Sometimes parenting takes extra effort up front. But teaching your children how to solve their own problems actually will save time in the long run because they won't be constantly relying on you to do it for them. But maybe more importantly is the self-confidence and pride that develops from knowing that when bad situations happen, which of course they will, they can handle it. Problems won't be as overwhelming. Life's problems can be tackled and solved. Isn't this what we all desire for our children?

Homework Strategies Part 2

So you got your homework bin all set up, right? If not, read the previous post.

Here are some more tips that I do with my kids to make getting their homework done less of a battle each night.

First, it is not a requirement that they get their homework done as soon as they get home before they can do anything else. Yes, I know. That's a common rule among parents. Get it done and over with, right? But I know how I feel after a long day at work. The last thing I want to do when I get home is go right back to work-related tasks. School is like a day at work for kids. Just like me, kids need some decompression time. So, I give them about 30 - 45 minutes of play and snack time before getting them going on homework.

Once the "chill out" time is done, all homework and piano practice need to be completed before the TV comes back on or playtime starts again. On days when there are extra-curricular activities the same rule still applies. My kids are learning that the activities they've chosen may cause nighttime playtime to be limited. I say they're learning this because they still try protesting sometimes when a late soccer practice leads to late dinner which leads to getting homework completed right when it's time to start getting ready for bed meaning no TV or playtime that night. On days like this, my kids can always choose to shorten their down time after school and get going on their homework right away to allow for more playtime later. This is always a choice for them. I never require it except for the rare situation when I know there will not be time to do homework later if they don't get started right away.

When it's time to get going on homework, we pull out the homework bin, their assignments and we all get to work. That's right. I stay involved and do their homework with them. That's probably the biggest factor in our success. I don't do the work for them. I ask questions and have them "teach" me what they are supposed to do. And sometimes I have them do several problems or pieces of their work by themselves and then I check it over. But I view homework time as family time. I stay in the room with them (and my husband, too when he's here), helping them along until homework is completed.

I work with many parents who want their kids to get going on homework on their own so they can get back to doing whatever they were doing or disappear into the kitchen to make dinner. Many parents complain that the battles with their kids are usually over getting their kids to "go do" their homework and are frustrated that every time they walk back into the room, their kids aren't doing their work, are messing around, or playing. Parents are frustrated with the attention getting behaviors such as the melt downs, the "I can't do this", and the sibling battles, all behaviors designed to get you back into the room. By staying in the room and involved to begin with, many if not all of these behaviors get eliminated.

Here's why I encourage parents to do this even with their Jr. High and High School students. First, once school starts, the amount of time we get to see and interact with our kids greatly decreases. During the week, I see my kids about five hours total each day, and that's on the days that they don't have piano, soccer practice or swimming. And whether our kids admit it to us or not, they miss us during the day, too. Children desire attention from their parents. Yes, even those older kiddos. Since homework is inevitable and unavoidable, I first view homework as an opportunity to spend time with my kids. Being a great parent is not always convenient from my perspective. I agree that it is a pain to juggle getting dinner together or my baby cared for while helping my two older kids with their homework. But I try to figure out the multi-tasking because it is important for me to spend time with the kids I haven't seen all day however I can.

Second, and most obviously, by staying involved in their homework I am able to stay aware of what they are doing in school and how well they are doing academically. I can be a better support to my child's learning when I know the topics they're covering and the areas they need to keep practicing.

There have been a couple times so far that my kids have not completed their homework despite all I have tried to do to set them up for success (admittedly, we are only in our second year of doing homework. I know the incidences will most likely increase over the years to come). In these cases, they get sent to school without their homework done and must explain to their teacher why this happened. Literally, they have to explain to their teacher why they didn't do their homework. I follow up with the teacher to make sure it was done and support any natural consequences that come from the teacher for not having homework turned in.

By staying consistent with our homework routine and expectations, homework time goes smoothly. While my kids often don't enjoy having to do more schoolwork at home, they do enjoy the attention and time they get from me and my husband during this time.

This topic usually brings up lots of frustrations and questions. What questions do you have? What's working and not working for you? Let me know by commenting below and let's discuss possible solutions.

Homework Success Strategy Part 1

Last week I came home with a big plastic bin full of office supplies. But these weren't just any office supplies. They consisted of green scissors and a blue tape dispenser and glittery pencils. In my bag I had all the needed supplies for a homework bin.

Putting together a homework supply bin for my kids accomplishes several things:

1. Eliminates the extra time spent looking for a pencil, paper, scissors and any other item needed to complete that day's homework assignment


2. By providing fun supplies (see my examples below) it makes doing homework a bit more enjoyable. Think about it. Don't you enjoy writing so much more with a nice pen and special paper?


3. Helps set the tone for doing homework. Getting out their special supplies is like putting on your work clothes.


4. Sends a message to your kids that their school work is important enough in your home that it's worth spending time and money to ensure that they're set up for homework success.


5. Allows you to buy some of the fun school supplies you didn't buy for school because they weren't on the supply list (when did school supply lists get so boring?).

Here's what I included in our homework bin.

• glittery #2 pencils in various colors


• electric pencil sharpener


• colored stapler for stapling falling apart packets and multi-page assignments


• glue and glue sticks


• colored scissors


• cool tape dispenser for healing all the inevitable rips and tears


• neon bend-y ruler


• floppy flexible solar-powered calculator


• drawing paper


• lined paper

Then I bought one of those clear view plastic storage drawers to put it all in. The whole thing cost me about $50. You could easily spend less depending on what you already have in stock at home and what you feel they need in their bin. We already had plenty of crayons at home, so I chose not to buy more of these. I later added the crayons from home to the bin for homework use.

If possible, don't assume you can multi-use an item. For example, just because you have a pair of scissors in the kitchen drawer doesn't mean you don't need to buy a pair of scissors for the homework bin. Remember that one of the things we're trying to accomplish is the elimination of looking around the house for supplies. You also don't want to create a potential conflict with your child when they put those scissors in their homework bin instead of back in the kitchen drawer.

Keep all homework stuff in one place, household items in another. This also means, do not try to sneak into the homework bin when you're looking for some scissors and tape to wrap a present. Again, avoid the conflict that can occur when your kids need their materials for that special project and come to find out their scissors are missing and their tape is almost gone.

While I don't have my kids begging me to race home so they can get right to their homework, they are very excited about their materials and feel very special to have their own important bin of fun supplies just for doing homework. It has made doing homework a bit more enjoyable for them. I'm sure the novelty will wear off eventually. But the many benefits of having the bin will still continue throughout the year.

Homework bins are a great way to make your family's homework experience successful. Next time I will share with you some other homework success strategies that have worked for us.

Teaching Time Management to Kids

I want to teach my children that there are definitely times when things need to get done immediately. For example, if we have guests coming over, I will expect that their room needs to be cleaned "right now". But it is also important for me to teach them to take responsibility for something I've asked them to do within a flexible range of time and for them to learn how make choices regarding when they would like to do that task. They may have clothes that need to be put away, but it doesn't REALLY make a big difference if it's done right this second. If I stop to think about it, what I really care about is that they get put away, not so much WHEN they do, so I let them choose when they'd like to put them away within a reasonable amount of time.

This the the beginning of teaching time management skills. Important because in life we will have tasks that need to be completed within a flexible range of time more often than tasks that need to be completed immediately. Right now I have a pile of dishes in my sink. They will get done today. Just not right now. Right now, I'm in the mood for writing. Plus, the kids are both in school right now. I can't write when they are home, but I can do dishes. The dishes don't need to be done "right this second."

Given this, I try to be intentional about providing as many opportunities as possible for my kids to learn how to manage their time. It's hard sometimes because it is so much easier to teach my kids to just do something the minute I tell them to do it. If I want those clothes put away, it's easier to tell them to stop what they're doing and put them away "right now" and know that it's done, than have to go through the sometimes longer process of teaching good time management which can result in having to implement consequences. But as we all know, parenting is not about making decisions based on what makes OUR lives easier, it's about making decisions based on what we need to teach our kids.

Last Wednesday was one of those times when I chose the harder parenting road for the sake of providing an opportunity for Isabella to make choices regarding when to get a list of tasks done. On this day, there were several things that needed to be done. She needed to do her homework. She needed to do her reading. She had piano to practice. And she had to had to had to take a bath. She was way over do.

Isabella had the things on her list she wanted to accomplish that day as well. She wanted to finish watching the movie she had started the day before. She wanted to work on her Leprechaun Trap (a school project due on Monday) with her dad when he got home. She wanted to have playtime with her brother. And she wanted to have extra time to read with her dad before bedtime because they were getting so close to the end of their chapter book.

So, the initial conversation went something like this:

Isabella: Mom, can I finish the movie I started yesterday?
Me: You can, but here are the things you need to get done today. You have homework to do. We need to do your Bag a Book (her reading). You have piano to practice because tomorrow is your lesson. And you have to take a bath tonight.
Isabella: OK, Mom. I'll do those things. But can I watch my movie first?
Me: You can choose to watch your movie now if you'd like, Isabella. But I also know you want to work on your Leprechaun Trap with Daddy tonight and you want to read more in your chapter book. Homework, Bag a Book, Piano, and Bath all have to be done before you can work on your trap. And it all has to be done before bedtime.


Now let me pause here a second. I did put in place some leverage points. I know how much working on this trap meant to Isabella AND I know how important reading before bedtime is to her. These were my leverage points to motivate her to accomplish her tasks. Just saying, "They have to be done before bed" probably wouldn't work for her (she would be fine going to bed not having done any of her tasks). Just like knowing I have guests coming at 6:00 motivates me to get going on cleaning my house, it's OK to find the leverage points that work for your own kids. It could be something as simple as "This needs to be done by dinner time." Dinner becomes the leverage. No dinner until the task is complete. Or no TV. Or no video games. You get the point.


Back to my story. Isabella accepted the terms and chose to watch her movie. I let her make this choice. I didn't try to talk her out of it. I accepted her decision and I went off to do my own tasks. Now, my daughter is only six and still does not have a good sense for time. If she were older, I would have her rely on the clock. But in her case, around 5:00 when she had finished her movie and had now moved on to playing with her brother, I came in the room and gave her a sense of time.

Me: Isabella, it is 5:00. Your dad will be home in 60 minutes. Would you like to get some of your stuff done before he gets home?
Isabella: (thinking a minute) OK Mom. Let's do Bag a Book.

So we did. As she put her book back in her backpack she saw her homework. Taking it out she looked at it and said , "This is easy!" I encouraged her to just do it now, and get it over with then. Which she did. All of this took maybe 25 minutes. So I pointed out to her...

Me: Isabella, you still have about 30 minutes before Daddy gets home. Do you want to do your 20 minutes of piano practice now and get it over with?
Isabella: (thinking) Nah. Not right now.
Me: OK. Isabella. That's your choice. Just remember what we talked about earlier.


And I left it at that and went back to my tasks.


Soon Dad comes home. VERY exciting! Isabella wanted to tell him about her day. And be silly. And help make dinner, which was turning out to take a lot longer to put together than usual and by now it was almost 7:00. So, I gave Isabella a sense of time.

Me: Isabella, it's actually later than it usually is when we have dinner. Bedtime is in 90 minutes. You still have piano and bath. And I know you have things you still want to do with Dad. Just thought I'd let you know.
Isabella: Mom, can I take a quick bath now while we're waiting for dinner to finish?
Me: That would be OK. But it has to be quick.

I got a bath going for her and helped her wash her hair right away. She wanted to stay in longer. But dinner was on the table. I told her she was welcome to stay in the bath and skip dinner if she'd like. She chose to get out.

And here comes the part where Isabella had to learn the hard way that she did not make very good choices on how to spend her day. And here's the part where as a parent I want to give in, and renegotiate, and come up with new rules, and not stick to what I originally said. Because, like every other parent out there, we hate to see our kids fail. So, I remind myself, that this is an important lesson for her to learn. And it's hard. But it's good. And I stick to it.

Dinner was full of talking and joking. It went slow. It is now 8:00 as we're wrapping up. Isabella's face lights up as she begins to talk about getting started on her Leprechaun Trap. In comes the leverage point.

Me: No, Isabella. You don't have time work on your trap. It is 8:00. Normally, this is when you start getting ready for bed. But you still have piano to do. I am actually worried that you're not even going to have time to read your chapter book tonight.
Isabella: (tears tears tears) But Mom! That's not fair! I want to work on my trap. I've been waiting all day to do it with Daddy!
Me: I know, Isabella. You're very disappointed that you chose to do other things earlier today instead of getting your piano done. I bet you wish you would have done it differently now.
Isabella: Yes, I do! I just want to do my trap. I don't want to do my piano.
Me: I know, Isabella. The trap is more exciting to you right now than your piano. But, our agreement was that everything had to be done before you could do your other things with Daddy.
Isabella: (sobbing)
Me: And now Isabella, I know you're disappointed, but you still have to do you piano. And you sitting here and crying and arguing is eating into your remaining time. Because, I'm not going to change my mind. And you do have to practice your piano. And I'm starting to worry that you're not even going to have time to brush your teeth or put on jammies.
Isabella: But what about dessert?
Dad: (who is awesome and is great a supporting things like this!) Isabella, I'd get a small piece of hard candy or something you can suck on while you practice. But it doesn't look like you'll have time for much else.


A few more protests. A few more reminders of time slipping away. A realization that Mom and Dad weren't budging on this. And suddenly there was my little girl playing her C-Scale double octaves and her Ode to Joy.

Isabella ended up with 2 minutes to get jammies on and her teeth brushed. Knowing we'd put her to bed at 8:30 tonight regardless of what she had finished, she somehow got it all done in a blur and was in bed by 8:30...well, maybe it was closer to 8:35. =)

Friday night, before Isabella went to bed, the Leprechaun Trap again came up. Her and Dad were planning to work really hard on it this weekend and get it completed. I told her she had two things she needed to do Saturday morning before the Leprechaun Trap could be worked on. She needed to clean her room and practice her piano.

At 7:30 Saturday morning I woke up to the sounds of double octave C-Scales being played. Her room was already clean. No joke!