"No" At Christmas

Can you relate to this scene?

Walking through the mall, doing some last minute Christmas shopping with Nate, we passed a woman who was doing balloon animals. Admittedly, they were pretty amazing creations. And there were a lot of parents purchasing one for their child in exchange for a donation to the charity she was supporting.

Nate really wanted one. I said, “No.” He did not like that answer.

The whining began. “Mom, I reaaallly want one! You never let me get one of those! And I want one today!”

To which I responded, “I hear ya, Bud. But not today,” and continued to walk away.

Nate’s face transformed. Brows furrowed. Lips pouty. Eyes glaring. He stuck his foot in front of the stroller to stop it and firmly repeated, “I want a balloon!” It actually surprised me a bit, my five-year-old acting like he was two. Normally Nate doesn’t behave like this. Apparently, he was in a mood to test the boundaries this day.

I know I’m not alone in this type of experience with my kids. I see similar scenarios all the time between other parents and their kids. What they choose to do next dictates what lies ahead. For some, the argument continues and escalates as parent and child engage in a power struggle that includes more crying, yelling, embarrassment, maybe even physical interactions. For others, in effort to avoid the power struggle, the parent gives in, even though they may try to make themselves feel like this isn’t the case by stating something like, “If you don’t calm down you’re not getting anything” or “If I get you the balloon then you can’t have ‘X’ later. Is that OK with you?” The child learns that they are ultimately the one in control and can just throw a temper tantrum (or threaten to have one) to get what they want. Parent is left frustrated. Child is left with a feeling of entitlement. The relationship between the two is damaged. And the scenario will happen again.

That doesn’t work for me. I get that Nate is five and doesn’t understand why sometimes I say no to things he wants. I get that he thinks the balloon animals are cool and really does want one. However, he needs to learn that he can’t always get what he wants. And he definitely needs to know that this kind of behavior is not going to get him success.

So, I immediately stopped in my tracks, grabbed his arm and pulled him to me. I squatted down to his level and talked so only he could hear me, but firmly because I wanted him to know that I was serious.

“Nate, I know you want a balloon. But today we are not getting one. Instead, I am choosing to spend my money on other Christmas gifts for you. I love you very much. And I want to get you nice things that I know you will enjoy. When I’m not treated with respect, it doesn’t make me very excited to buy any gifts. Remember that Mommy and Daddy take good care of you. And you will be getting a lot of wonderful gifts in just a few days from lots of people who love you. You do not need a balloon animal today and my answer is, “No”. Do you understand?” Nate nodded his head.

I continued, “Now I need an apology from you for the way you were acting because that is not OK.” Nate apologized.

“OK, Bud. Thank you for saying,’sorry.’” I gave him a hug and told him I loved him. Then we got up to go catch up with Dad and Isabella.

This worked quickly and effectively because this is a common interaction between me and my kids. They know that I understand where they’re coming from. They know that I usually will give them a reason behind my ”no” so it doesn’t just feel arbitrary to them. But my kids also know that I am consistent with my “no.” They know that if they push beyond the final “no” I will also be consistent with a consequence like “time out”, even if we’re in the middle of a busy mall.

Kids wanting and asking is inevitable, especially at Christmastime when there are so many exciting things potentially available to them. But that does not mean the power struggles are inevitable, or the meltdowns, or the frustrations, or the empty wallet. It is OK to say no in a firm but loving way and still have a Merry Christmas!

Don’t forget your consistency this Christmas. And don’t forget to enjoy this special time with your children!

Christmas is About Giving

One of the questions I get a lot around the holidays is how to help children realize that Christmas is not just about toys. Many parents get really frustrated with the consumerism mentality of Christmas. I don’t think there is one answer to this question. But I thought I’d share some of the things we do in our family around this issue.

To begin with, I don’t think it’s the presents that are the problem at Christmas. In fact, the gifts are an important part of the symbolism of what Christmas is really about. However, it’s also important to me that my kids don’t see Christmas as one big Gift Getting day. As a result, we’ve tried to be very intentional about helping the kids understand that while receiving gifts is a lot of fun, Christmas is actually about the GIVING of gifts.

Here are some of the things we do to encourage a different mindset about Christmas presents:

1. We teach our kids that we give gifts to others to show our love for them. We do this in response to the gift of love that God gave to us when he gave us his son. We talk about this several times leading up to Christmas including having the kids remind us all about this before we open any presents on Christmas morning.

2. We encourage the kids to make a list of the people in their lives that they want to show love to this Christmas. We ask them to think about each person and what that person might really like to receive for Christmas. Having the kids think about each person and what they could do or give to them to show them love encourages our kids to keep the focus on others. My kids actually LOVE this process.

3. My children are always involved in picking out the gift that will be from them. Yes, it is way easier to go shopping on my own and just write their name on the tag of the gift I bought (whispering in their ear what the item is before the gift is opened so they know what it is). But doing it this way only reinforces that it’s just about getting a gift and not the thought behind it.

4. Instead of lots of gifts to our kids, we give a few thoughtful gifts (one gift from Santa and two gifts from us). My kids are not deprived of gifts by any means. Between siblings, grandparents, aunts, and friends my kids get more than enough presents at Christmas.

5. Gift tags don’t just say, “To:” and “From:”. We also include something on there about how much we love them and what they mean to us. We encourage our kids to do the same on their tags.

6. Instead of just adding to the piles of toys in their room each Christmas, we encourage our kids to give away older toys before Christmas. We offer one dollar for every toy they give away. The money received is used to help them buy gifts for their friends, siblings or cousins. More importantly, it provides an opportunity to talk about those less fortunate than us and the things that we can do (like donating) to help those in need.

7. We try to provide other ways for the kids to make some money so that they really feel like the gift is from them (not to mention the other life skills they learn from this process). Our kids are still young enough that we will help supplement the cost of a gift if needed.

8. We realized a few years ago that we spent all of December talking about the meaning of Christmas, celebrating Advent, reminding the kids about why we buy gifts for others, etc. and then Christmas morning came and the focus was all on opening gifts and eating food. So, we moved the reading of the Christmas story from the Bible to Christmas morning before gifts were opened as a lead in to why we were about to share gifts with one another. I have liked this new tradition in my family. I would like to think of some other things we can do Christmas Day as well that keeps the day Christ-focused as well.

These are just some of the things we do to help teach our kids that Christmas is not just about all the presents you get. I am very proud of my children that they seem to understand this. I love watching them be just as excited about the gifts they plan to give as they are thinking about what they might get from others this year. And I love that I don’t have children left with a feeling of entitlement over the holidays. It is so much fun to celebrate Christmas with my kids, giving them gifts because I love them, not because I have to, and receiving gifts from them that they have put thought into and are excited to give. It has proven to me that it is definitely possible to celebrate Christmas with children and it not just be all about the presents and consumerism.

I KNOW that you out there have some great ideas and traditions that you do that help your children with this same issue. Please share them. I am always looking for more ideas for my family and to share with others!

Yes, There is a Santa Claus

My kids believe in Santa. Santa is part of our Christmas celebration. My kids also know inside and out what Christmas is really about. I don't worry that letting our kids believe in Santa overshadows the birth of Jesus or will damage them in the long run.

Why and How? First, I would say that Santa is 10% of our overall Holiday experience. Our kids visit Santa at the mall (we tell them that this is not the real Santa, but a Santa's helper with direct connection to the "real" Santa. So telling the mall santa what they want for Christmas is like telling the "real" Santa). But the majority of the talk about Santa happens Christmas Eve as we write a letter to him welcoming him to our home, leave out cookies and milk (and carrots for the reindeer) and encourage our excited children to go to sleep so Santa can come. In the morning, stockings have been filled and Santa has left one special present for each of them wrapped in different paper, usually their "big" present; the present they most wanted. Santa also leaves a note for them by the empty cookie plate thanking them for being such wonderful children, highlighting some of the things he noticed this year when they had been "good", and encouraging them to keep up the great job. He has also left for them in the past a bag of birdseed asking them to help take care of the birds in our neighborhood. Outside, there are carrot crumbs left on the ground and our cars from the messy reindeer. We do these things and have fun with them. My kids are still young enough that they believe in it all (although I think this may be the last year for Isabella). And I let them.

But my kids also understand that Santa is just a part of the celebration of Jesus' birth, like the pinata at a birthday party. We tell the kids that Santa does what he does because he wants to participate in the giving of gifts just as God gave to us. Yes, Santa celebrates the birth of Christ. This is why we do only one gift from Santa. It's not about getting lots of gifts from him, rather it's about Santa participating in giving gifts to us just as we give gifts to each other in response to God giving us the greatest gift ever. More on gift giving in a future post.

The majority of our focus as a family during the Christmas season is around Advent, the meaning of the candles that we light every night at dinner, the Advent book that we read every night before bed that leads us up to Bethlehem (we use Advent Storybook by Antonie Schneider. Perfect for preschoolers, but my first-grader still enjoys the simple stories each night) and the retelling of the Christmas Story throughout the days and weeks before Christmas.

We have a very special nativity set that is a major focus in our living room to look at and visually remind us as a family what the season is about. And we have a plastic nativity set that is just for our kids to play with and set up however they choose.

I model for them that while I have fun singing Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, my favorite Christmas song is O Holy Night because of the amazing words that speak of Christ's birth. And our favorite Christmas movie is A Charlie Brown Christmas with Linus' explanation of what Christmas is all about.

The point is, Santa is a part of our celebration, he is not the celebration. My kids know this. They haven't lost the true meaning of Christmas. However, they still participate in the magic and childhood imagination of Santa Claus.

There is a lot of research out there on the effects of discovering the truth about Santa on kids including how this may impact a child's belief in God. There is also research that a belief in Santa can actually have some positive effects on children developmentally. I have shared some of this information on the Xylem Family Resource Facebook page on our wall and also as a discussion topic "To Santa or Not to Santa, That is the Question". If you haven't already, I encourage you to take a look at some of this information.

I know this is a hot topic. Because this is the way we do it in our family does not necessarily mean that this is the "right" way or the "best" way. It's A way. I've chosen to do it this way after a lot of thought and consideration and it seems to be a great balance for the kids. Let me know what questions you have!

Dangers of Parental Disagreement

In a previous post, I told the story of how our lamp shade got broken ( read You Break It, You Pay For It). After giving us $4 from his coin bank, Nate had decided that he wanted to try to sell some of his toys to pay the remaining amount of his half for the new shade.

The other day, we were doing a run to Goodwill to drop off some items we had cleaned out of the garage. I told the kids that I would pay them a dollar for every toy they wanted to give away mentioning that this could be money used toward buying Christmas presents for friends or, in Nate’s case, to pay off the remaining $3 balance on the lamp shade.

Nate raced up the stairs and came down with his large Tonka Dump Truck and proceeded to take it outside where his dad was loading up the car. I could overhear the following conversation:

Dad: What are you doing with that?
Nate: I’m giving this away.
Dad: No. You don’t need to give that away. That’s your good truck.
Nate: But Mom’s going to give me a dollar for it.

Seconds later my husband came inside. “Why are you letting him give this away?” my husband asked.

I explained to him what I told the kids.

My husband did not think this was a good idea. “He plays with this truck. We could go upstairs and clean out a ton of toys that they actually don’t play with and give those away. It doesn’t make any sense to give away toys that they play with.”

I totally saw his point. On the other hand, I argued that the toy must not be that important to him if he was so willing to give it away for a dollar. Besides, they had so many toys that I actually didn’t care which ones they got rid of.

My husband and I went back and forth on this until finally I agreed that we’d hold off on the toys until we could spend more time really helping the kids think about which toys they wanted to give away.

Fast forward to yesterday. I was asking Nate to do something for me that he was reluctant to do. Before the power struggle I knew was coming began, I reminded Nate that he needed to listen to Mommy.

It was almost as if he was waiting for the cue. He looked up at me and said, “I don’t always have to listen to you.”

“Oh yes you do, Nate,” I responded.

“But sometimes I only have to listen to Dad and not to you,” he retorted.

“What are you talking about? Mom and Dad are a team and you need to listen to both of us. What Dad says and what I say are the same.”

And then Nate brought up the incident with the truck reminding me that what I had said didn’t mean anything and that Dad was the one who got to decide what to do with the truck in the end.

I work with dozens of couples helping them parent more effectively as a team. One of the major things I always emphasize with them is that you never disagree with each other in front of the kids. If there is disagreement, you always go into another location away from the kids to work it out so that you can come back out as a united front.

Even when it’s a small disagreement like taking a truck to Goodwill.

The fact that my husband disagreed on what should be done with the toys was not the problem. It’s OK that we disagreed. And our discussion was not the problem. We argued back and forth on the issue and came to a mutual agreement that worked for both of us. The problem was that we did all of that in front of the kids leaving the impression that Dad “won” and therefore must have more authority than Mom even though that is not the case. If we had had our same discussion in private and then I came out telling Nate that Mommy and Daddy have changed our minds and we’ve decided to wait until we can go through your toys together, it would have changed the perception of who was really in charge for Nate. He would have seen us more as a united team than two opposing sides battling for a win.

Thank you Nate for reminding me of this.

How good are you and your spouse at keeping your parenting disagreements private? Do your kids see you as a united front or opposing sides? What can the two of you do better?

Thankful For My Family

Are you thankful for your family? I don't necessarily mean all your aunts and uncles, brothers and sisters, mom and dad. I mean specifically your nuclear family; your spouse and your kids.

Now I'm sure for many of you your first reaction is ,"Of course". And I don't doubt you. But what about your family makes you thankful? To answer that question, most of us usually have to pause and really ponder the list.

I've asked families in the past to list for me ten things they are thankful for in regards to their family. Most people think this will be an easy assignment...until they get to number five or six. Coming up with a whole list of ten things makes us really have to stop and ponder. It's even harder if the assignment is changed to require ten things you're thankful for regarding each individual in your family.

Why? Because it is so easy to focus on what we're not content with in our family. My house isn't big enough. My daughter is exceptionally dramatic these days. When my son isn't being whiny, he's challenging the rules of the house. My husband is working too much these days. Coming up with a list of ten things I'm not thankful for is pretty easy.

But research shows that our attitude toward a person or a situation is largely influenced by our positive or negative energy put toward it. In fact, the chemicals released in the body when we're thinking negative thoughts are different than the ones released when we think positive. That's right. There is actually a physiological effect in our body that occurs depending on our attitude toward something. If our thoughts and attitudes can have physical effects on our bodies, it's no wonder that they can in turn effect how we treat the ones we love and the things that we have.

I was really struck by remembering this today. I looked around my house. It's a mess and I'm not very motivate to clean it up. But for the past year I have also been very discontent with my house. In fact, I have said out loud that I hate my house. And I think my negative attitude that I keep toward my house has translated into a half-hearted way of taking care of it. If I can see the effect of my attitude on my house, what would it look like if I had a negative attitude toward my husband? My kids?

And this is why I'm encouraging myself and you to purposely, intentionally, make a list of at least ten things that you are thankful for. I know that some of you may have a hard time even getting started. You're thankful for your family in theory, but family is stressful right now. Maybe your marriage is rocky or your kids seem challenging. But even if it takes you all day, try to come up with at least ten ways to be thankful for your family.

To show that I am really trying to practice what I preach, here are my lists. I'd love to see your lists, too if you are willing to share them. Put them in the comment section below or feel free to e-mail them to me at tara@xylemfamily.org.

Happy Thanksgiving!

My Husband:
1. I am thankful that my husband loves being a father and intentionally is a part of their lives.
2. I am thankful that my husband loves me and goes out of his way to show me that is true.
3. I am thankful that my husband truly believes we are a parenting team and is an equal participant in raising our kids.
4. I am thankful my husband loves to cook and is a fabulous cook and as a result my family gets awesome meals on a regular basis. I'm particularly thankful for this because I HATE cooking and am not very good at it.
5. I am thankful that my husband believes that me staying home to be available for our children is important and never has thought twice about the sacrifices we have had to make in order to make that happen.
6. I am thankful that my husband enjoys hanging out with me and actually has fun with me.
7. I am thankful that my husband and I have the same sense of humor. Without him, I don't know who I would laugh with.
8. I am thankful that my husband not only has a job but loves his job.
9. I am thankful that my husband works hard at his job and is ambitious about continuing to grow within his company so that our family can live even beyond comfortably.
10. I am thankful that my husband gets up in the middle of the night with our baby to bring her to me so that it's easier for me to go back to sleep and that he takes her away in the morning when he can so I can get few extra minutes of sleep.

All of my kids:
1. I am thankful that my kids are healthy.
2. I am thankful that my kids have not had significant harm physically, emotionally or spiritually.
3. I am thankful that my kids love to smile and laugh.
4. I am thankful that my kids love each other.
5. I am thankful that my kids enjoy being with other people.
6. I am thankful that people enjoy being with my kids.
7. I am thankful that my kids have sweet hearts that allow them to care for others.
8. I am thankful that my kids are bonded to me and my husband in a healthy way.
9. I am thankful that each one of my kids add something unique to our family.
10. I am thankful that my kids love me as much as I love them.

You Break It,You Pay For It

Nate and Isabella were having a lot of fun wrestling yesterday. I love how they love each other. They are such great friends. But last night their “fun” was getting a little close to the bookshelf and floor lamp. I stopped them twice to remind them to be careful and aware of where they were.

“We’re being careful, Mom!” they sang.

Moments later, there was a crash. Isabella had plunged into the floor lamp and grabbed onto the lampshade to try to catch herself. Instead, her weight and momentum just ripped the lampshade off its stand leaving a small piece dangling from the wire frame and exposing the brightly burning bulb.

My two kids froze. They stared at me waiting to hear what I was going to say. They knew they were in trouble.

Yelling at them would not fix my broken lampshade. Neither would sending them both to time out or taking away desert. We now needed a new lampshade, and my kids are always in need of opportunities to learn logical consequences.

“Bummer, you guys,” I said. “You’re both going to have to buy a new lampshade for that lamp.” They both looked at me dumbfounded. I don’t think they expected that. I explained to them that the shade would cost anywhere between $15 and $20 which meant that they would each need to come up with about $10.

Isabella broke into a wail. “I don’t haaaaaavvvvveeee $10!” The tears flowed along with, “Mom, it was just an accident! It was not on purpose!”

I let them know that I knew it was an accident. I reminded them that I was worried an accident might happen which is why I cautioned them to watch what they were doing. They weren’t in trouble. But we did need our lampshade back.

I reminded them of the time I was in a car accident. Though it was an accident, it was also my fault because I wasn’t watching what I was doing. I had to pay to get my car fixed and the other person’s car fixed. Even if it’s an accident, we still need to fix our mistakes.
“But I have no money!” Isabella continued.

I gave them some ideas. They could use the money they had in their coin banks. They could do some chores that Daddy and I would pay them for. Or they could sell some of their toys (I would help them post them on Craig’s List).

True to Nate’s character, he accepted his consequences and immediately trotted upstairs to find toys to sell.

Isabella stayed to argue some more.

“Isabella, look at me,” I said. “I know you’re disappointed. I know you wish it hadn’t happened. But look at my face. I am not going to change my mind. You will need to figure out how to pay for the lampshade by this weekend.”

It was over. Isabella stopped arguing.

Nate is almost five and Isabella is only seven, so I will help them along the way in getting their money. If they choose chores, I will pay them generously for the things I ask them to do. If they sell toys, I will help them gather toys that will get them at least $10. I will help them count the coins in their coin jar. But I won’t let them off the hook.

I am thankful that they get opportunities to learn lessons of responsibility like this. And this logical consequence will have a bigger impact on their future behavior than anything else I could have done.

Plus, I get a new lamp shade.

Connecting With Your Kids During the Week

I recently had a conversation with a working mom who shared with me her struggle to connect positively with her kids during the week. In the midst of getting up early, rushing to get dressed and out the door, late afternoon pick up from daycare, making dinner and getting ready for bed, there seemed to be little time to just enjoy her kids. Each day she just needed to make it through the daily routines until they could get to the weekend. Then she felt she had to make the most of the weekend to make up for what was missing during the week.

Many working parents can relate to this feeling. Truth is, many stay-at-home parents can relate to this feeling, especially those of us with kids in school. But it is not fair to our kids to only get us emotionally two days a week. It’s not fair to us, either. We need to regularly bond with our kids as much as they need to bond with us.

When we miss out on connecting with our kids during the week, we feel the consequences. Our kids begin to feel like a burden, a hassle, an added stress. We end up looking back on our week and feel like parenting is hard work. We feel guilty that we’re too busy for our kids and tell ourselves, “we’re a terrible parent”.

So, I’d like to share some things we do in our home to enjoy and connect with our kids throughout the week that fit into the daily routine.

Picnic on the floor Who says dinner always has to be at the dinner table? Sometimes, we lay down a blanket, bring out the paper plates (yea! no dishes to wash!) and eat dinner on the floor. We will often do this in front of the TV so we can watch a movie during dinner. My kids LOVE this!

Cooking with Kids Instead of setting our kids up to play or watch a video while we rush in the kitchen to make dinner, we let our kids help us make dinner. Even a two-year-old can wash the vegetables or press start on the microwave to defrost the chicken. For us, we have found that this is a great way to get our kids excited about cooking and food (my daughter’s dream is to one day be on the food network). Yes, it may mean going a little slower. But it’s not by much. If there isn’t really anything the kids can do, we sit them up on the counter to have them watch us so we can talk to them while we cook. We sing with them and talk to them about their day. All while getting dinner done.

Car Sing-a-Long Many parents play kids CD’s in their car to keep their kids entertained. In our car, I sing along with my kids. It’s a way to enter into their world and have fun with them. It does mean we’ve had to pick out CD’s that I can stomach. I cannot handle the cheesy kids songs that are out there. Our family enjoys the Curious George soundtrack. I get my Jack Johnson and they get fun kid songs. But my experience is that kids enjoy any music. It doesn’t have to have a kid sticker on it. My kids also enjoy listening to my radio station and my CD’s. They’re familiar with the songs and we all enjoy singing along together. Forcing myself to sing along with my kids has turned around many a grouchy morning for me.

Do Your Homework WITH Your Kids Read all about this one in my post a few weeks ago, Homework Strategies Part 2.

Here Comes the Clothes Monster When my kids were littler, instead of battling them over getting their jammies on or their socks and shoes on, I turned it into a game and had fun. Oh No! Here comes the Jammie Monster. I’m coming to get you! Here I come! And I grab you and tickle you and pull off your shirt and tickle you while I put on your jammie top. You cannot escape me. I get you I get you I get you!….Now imagine with me the squeals of laughter I got with this approach vs the yelling and frustration I experienced doing it the boring way. A great bonding moment that takes five minutes AND the clothes get on.

Now that my kids are older, we still do games around getting ready. I’ll say, “I bet I can get my jammies on before you” and I race my kids over who can get dressed first. Or we’ll blast a fun song on the iPod for us to jam to while we get ready.

Love Notes put love notes in my kids’ lunches every time. I’ve been doing this since preschool (they would have their teachers read the short note to them). These notes mean a lot to my kids. Sometimes I pick my daughter up from school and she has taped the note from her lunch onto her shirt and my son will have his in his pocket. Writing the note makes me pause a moment to think about how I’d like to connect with each child later in their day even though I’m not with them. Love notes can also be hidden in their coat pockets, their books, or any other item where they can discover it later.

These are just some of the things I do with my kids throughout the week. The point is, I am intentional about it. I know my time is limited with them during the week, so I have to take what we have and find ways to use our routine to connect with each other. As a result, I find I enjoy my kids more during the week. I’m not so tired at the end of the day. I look forward to being with them. And I don’t feel guilty that I’m not giving my kids enough attention or the need to compensate on the weekend for what was lacking during the week.

I’d love to hear what you do or what you are going to try to do throughout the week to stay connected with your kids beyond the daily routine. We can all use more ideas.

You Are a Good Parent

Today I want to encourage you.

You are not a terrible parent. In fact, I know you are a good parent because you are seeking out ways to become better at what you do with your kids. You came searching for solutions to things you're struggling with. Or you knew this blog was here and came to read what it had to say because you want to soak up as many parenting ideas as possible. You know you don't have all the answers. You know that there is no such thing as a perfect parent (except for our Divine Father...which is a whole other blog post). And because you know this, you want to learn more ways to be better at this parenting job of yours. You love your kids and you want what's best for them. And a good parent like you knows that since you're one of the most important influences in your child's life, they deserve the best from you.

And yet, if you're like many of the parents I come across, you feel like you're a terrible parent because you don't know all the answers to your parenting questions. Your kids do frustrate you. You get angry at them. You find yourself at a lost for how to deal with those recurring behaviors. There are times you feel like you are completely out of control and it overwhelms you. And because you feel this way, you feel like you're failing. Or you feel guilty because the only thing you know what to do in such situations are things you swore you'd never do.

You are not a terrible parent. You just don't know what to do instead.

Read those two sentences again.

The love we feel for our children, the desire to protect them, our desire to be the best parent possible for them, these things are innate. How we carry these things out practically is not. Parenting skills are learned. Most of us have not been taught great parenting skills. Many of us were actually taught very poor parenting skills. How you parent your own kids was taught to you primarily by those who parented you. And even though you swore you would never yell like your mother or give in like your father, when all else fails and you don't know what else to do, you find yourself falling back on what you DO know and doing the things you saw your own parents do in similar situations.

This is good news. It means you are not a bad parent. You just do what you know how to do.

This is good news because how you parent is a learned behavior.

This is good news because you can learn something different. You can learn more skills. You can learn to be a better parent. You can learn parenting strategies that actually work so you don't have to get so angry. You don't have to yell. You can actually feel successful in your parenting. And when you keep learning new and better strategies and commit yourself to putting them into practice it won't be long before you realize what I knew about you from the beginning.

You are good parent.

Homework Strategies Part 2

So you got your homework bin all set up, right? If not, read the previous post.

Here are some more tips that I do with my kids to make getting their homework done less of a battle each night.

First, it is not a requirement that they get their homework done as soon as they get home before they can do anything else. Yes, I know. That's a common rule among parents. Get it done and over with, right? But I know how I feel after a long day at work. The last thing I want to do when I get home is go right back to work-related tasks. School is like a day at work for kids. Just like me, kids need some decompression time. So, I give them about 30 - 45 minutes of play and snack time before getting them going on homework.

Once the "chill out" time is done, all homework and piano practice need to be completed before the TV comes back on or playtime starts again. On days when there are extra-curricular activities the same rule still applies. My kids are learning that the activities they've chosen may cause nighttime playtime to be limited. I say they're learning this because they still try protesting sometimes when a late soccer practice leads to late dinner which leads to getting homework completed right when it's time to start getting ready for bed meaning no TV or playtime that night. On days like this, my kids can always choose to shorten their down time after school and get going on their homework right away to allow for more playtime later. This is always a choice for them. I never require it except for the rare situation when I know there will not be time to do homework later if they don't get started right away.

When it's time to get going on homework, we pull out the homework bin, their assignments and we all get to work. That's right. I stay involved and do their homework with them. That's probably the biggest factor in our success. I don't do the work for them. I ask questions and have them "teach" me what they are supposed to do. And sometimes I have them do several problems or pieces of their work by themselves and then I check it over. But I view homework time as family time. I stay in the room with them (and my husband, too when he's here), helping them along until homework is completed.

I work with many parents who want their kids to get going on homework on their own so they can get back to doing whatever they were doing or disappear into the kitchen to make dinner. Many parents complain that the battles with their kids are usually over getting their kids to "go do" their homework and are frustrated that every time they walk back into the room, their kids aren't doing their work, are messing around, or playing. Parents are frustrated with the attention getting behaviors such as the melt downs, the "I can't do this", and the sibling battles, all behaviors designed to get you back into the room. By staying in the room and involved to begin with, many if not all of these behaviors get eliminated.

Here's why I encourage parents to do this even with their Jr. High and High School students. First, once school starts, the amount of time we get to see and interact with our kids greatly decreases. During the week, I see my kids about five hours total each day, and that's on the days that they don't have piano, soccer practice or swimming. And whether our kids admit it to us or not, they miss us during the day, too. Children desire attention from their parents. Yes, even those older kiddos. Since homework is inevitable and unavoidable, I first view homework as an opportunity to spend time with my kids. Being a great parent is not always convenient from my perspective. I agree that it is a pain to juggle getting dinner together or my baby cared for while helping my two older kids with their homework. But I try to figure out the multi-tasking because it is important for me to spend time with the kids I haven't seen all day however I can.

Second, and most obviously, by staying involved in their homework I am able to stay aware of what they are doing in school and how well they are doing academically. I can be a better support to my child's learning when I know the topics they're covering and the areas they need to keep practicing.

There have been a couple times so far that my kids have not completed their homework despite all I have tried to do to set them up for success (admittedly, we are only in our second year of doing homework. I know the incidences will most likely increase over the years to come). In these cases, they get sent to school without their homework done and must explain to their teacher why this happened. Literally, they have to explain to their teacher why they didn't do their homework. I follow up with the teacher to make sure it was done and support any natural consequences that come from the teacher for not having homework turned in.

By staying consistent with our homework routine and expectations, homework time goes smoothly. While my kids often don't enjoy having to do more schoolwork at home, they do enjoy the attention and time they get from me and my husband during this time.

This topic usually brings up lots of frustrations and questions. What questions do you have? What's working and not working for you? Let me know by commenting below and let's discuss possible solutions.

Homework Success Strategy Part 1

Last week I came home with a big plastic bin full of office supplies. But these weren't just any office supplies. They consisted of green scissors and a blue tape dispenser and glittery pencils. In my bag I had all the needed supplies for a homework bin.

Putting together a homework supply bin for my kids accomplishes several things:

1. Eliminates the extra time spent looking for a pencil, paper, scissors and any other item needed to complete that day's homework assignment


2. By providing fun supplies (see my examples below) it makes doing homework a bit more enjoyable. Think about it. Don't you enjoy writing so much more with a nice pen and special paper?


3. Helps set the tone for doing homework. Getting out their special supplies is like putting on your work clothes.


4. Sends a message to your kids that their school work is important enough in your home that it's worth spending time and money to ensure that they're set up for homework success.


5. Allows you to buy some of the fun school supplies you didn't buy for school because they weren't on the supply list (when did school supply lists get so boring?).

Here's what I included in our homework bin.

• glittery #2 pencils in various colors


• electric pencil sharpener


• colored stapler for stapling falling apart packets and multi-page assignments


• glue and glue sticks


• colored scissors


• cool tape dispenser for healing all the inevitable rips and tears


• neon bend-y ruler


• floppy flexible solar-powered calculator


• drawing paper


• lined paper

Then I bought one of those clear view plastic storage drawers to put it all in. The whole thing cost me about $50. You could easily spend less depending on what you already have in stock at home and what you feel they need in their bin. We already had plenty of crayons at home, so I chose not to buy more of these. I later added the crayons from home to the bin for homework use.

If possible, don't assume you can multi-use an item. For example, just because you have a pair of scissors in the kitchen drawer doesn't mean you don't need to buy a pair of scissors for the homework bin. Remember that one of the things we're trying to accomplish is the elimination of looking around the house for supplies. You also don't want to create a potential conflict with your child when they put those scissors in their homework bin instead of back in the kitchen drawer.

Keep all homework stuff in one place, household items in another. This also means, do not try to sneak into the homework bin when you're looking for some scissors and tape to wrap a present. Again, avoid the conflict that can occur when your kids need their materials for that special project and come to find out their scissors are missing and their tape is almost gone.

While I don't have my kids begging me to race home so they can get right to their homework, they are very excited about their materials and feel very special to have their own important bin of fun supplies just for doing homework. It has made doing homework a bit more enjoyable for them. I'm sure the novelty will wear off eventually. But the many benefits of having the bin will still continue throughout the year.

Homework bins are a great way to make your family's homework experience successful. Next time I will share with you some other homework success strategies that have worked for us.

Money Well Spent

Five minutes. Not very long. But five minutes of pure joy. For five minutes your child is nothing but happy and free. The largest smile spread across their face. Giggles and other gleeful noises that you hardly ever hear in any other circumstance come out of their mouths. To top it off, their sheer joy overflows into you. For five minutes, you join in your child's happiness. You laugh like you haven't laughed in a long time, and you smile so big and for so long that your face actually hurts at the end of it. And if that wasn't enough, it's not just an experience for you and your child, but your whole family. Your spouse is beside you having the same experience, and your other children are jumping up and down with excitement, too. The experience only lasts five minutes. But it's wonderful. How much is that experience worth? How much would you pay for it?

Kids are quick to want to spend money on just about anything. One minute they just got to have that sparkly bouncy ball. Another minute they want some cheap plastic toy that you know will get played with once or twice. They totally think spending $5 to jump in a jumpy castle is totally worth it. In contrast, I am slow to spend money. I think about how much money is being spent each day. When I do go to spend money, I weigh the value of the item with the cost. I try to find good deals on good quality. Above all, I want my kids to understand the value of money and to not have a sense of entitlement.

But there it was. The trampoline and the bungee chords. Both my kids' eyes got wide and I knew what was coming. Of course it's what they sooooooo wanted to do. Next came the "please, Mom can we do it?" I knew the cost to jump a few minutes extra high on a trampoline was probably going to be ridiculous, but I said I would at least see how much tickets were. Ten dollars a ticket. $20 for both my kids to jump on a trampoline. My immediate reaction was no. It did look like a lot of fun, but I did not think that was the best use of money. My kids could tell that they were probably not going to get to do it. I could see their acceptance of this as they settled for watching other kids jump instead, imagining what it must be like.

Then my husband called the kids over. He pulled out his wallet and gave them each $20. He explained to them that when he went on family vacations as a little boy, his dad would give him and his sister $20 to spend however they want. He wanted to continue that tradition with his kids. But he warned them that when their money was gone, it was gone, so choose wisely how they spend it.

He had barely completed his speech when they both blurted out, "We want to do the trampoline!" I wanted to continue the lecture about choosing wisely how to spend your money, but my husband stopped me reminding me that it was now their money and they can spend it how they want. I'm blessed to have my husband. He's a great dad and helped me remember that letting them learn how to spend money on their own is good parenting, too.

My kids, having excitedly purchased their tickets stepped up to take their turn on the trampoline. Nate went first.

Listen carefully. Can you hear the high-pitched "WEEEE" with every jump?

Isabella went next. She's more of a daredevil than her brother and wanted to make the most of her experience. You see her here trying out flipping. What you don't see is her later being a goofball and trying out different poses each time she flew into the sky. She had all of us laughing hysterically.

But if you can, watch the videos again and listen to my husband and me. We're having a blast, too. In fact, when we were reflecting on our favorite thing we did all weekend, we both picked watching the kids on the trampoline. Who knew?

I learned a valuable lesson this weekend. I learned to not be so quick to dismiss a potential opportunity for my kids to experience something fun. I'm not saying that I should instead let my kids do every fun thing that catches their eye. And I'm not saying that I always have to spend money to allow my kids to experience joy. But I realized that sometimes it is worth the money to allow my kids to experience something exciting and new. When I spend most of my time trying to watch how our money gets spent, it's easy to forget this.

I have to admit that we were so excited when the next day, both kids wanted to spend their last $10 to jump again. Because I was wrong. The $10 per ticket to jump extra high on a trampoline was a good use of money. In reality, it was a great deal. Each ticket provided an amazing super-fun experience that will remain a great family memory for 4 people (and a baby. Samantha got a kick out of all the excitement, too).

$40 was spent in all to jump on a trampoline. But it was definitely $40 well spent.

Isabella, day 2

Barefoot and Mismatched Socks

My kids have been in school now for two weeks. The first week of school came with a bit of grace from me. I remember as a kid the adjustment from lazy summer morning "routine" to up-and-at-'em-no-messing-around school morning routine. So, I offered more reminders than usual about how much time they had before we were leaving and let them run back into the house to grab their backpack after we had all already piled into the van to leave. For the first week I gave instruction on how to manage their time more effectively in the future. We had discussions on the way to school over what was slowing us down in the morning and what we could do to solve that. I offered extra help in the effort to get them back into a school-morning rhythm.

Overall, in two weeks my kids have done a great job getting back into a morning routine. Each morning I come downstairs around 8:00 to my kids on the couch watching their morning PBS programs and set them into motion with getting dressed, eating breakfast and gathering all their stuff for school. We've been able to leave by 8:40 almost every day with 8:45 being the latest. Getting two kids and a baby out the door in 40 minutes is something I'm very proud of. =)

I'd like to say that in addition to not being late for school (yet), our journey to school is relaxed and full of joy. We have had some of those journeys, even within the past two weeks. But most mornings we enter into the school drive with frustrations lingering. The biggest culprit has been shoes and socks.

Such simple things, shoes. Mine are always kept by the front door. I take them off and leave them there first thing when I walk into the house so they're there to put on as I get ready to leave.

Socks. I have a drawer just for those warm little feet huggers. Several pairs reside in those drawers so that I always have a pair to pull out in time of need.

It seems so simple. So easy. Which is why it drive me CRAZY that almost every morning there is this frantic dash around the house looking for clean socks and finding the partner to a lonely shoe.

I've taught the kids my system. Apparently they don't like it because they don't use it.

I've given them a "heads up" for how much time they have before we leave so if they need socks and shoes they'd have plenty of time to solve that problem before we head out the door. Apparently they think I'm just stating the time for my benefit and that somehow some household magic (that hasn't existed any other day at our house by the way) will magically place two clean socks and matched shoes on their feet as we walk out the door.

So, yesterday I told them that tomorrow I was not going to wait around for shoes and socks to be found. At 8:40 everyone was getting in the van for school whether they had the right clothing on their feet or not.

Today, at 8:30 I told the kids we were leaving in 10 minutes and to make sure they had all their stuff and their shoes and socks on. At 8:39, I put the baby in her car seat, turned off the TV, grabbed my keys and announced, "Everyone in the car! Time to go!" My two kids went scrambling for their shoes. Isabella couldn't find socks. Nate actually had his shoes and socks sitting beside him but he didn't have them on. I pulled out my "bummer" phrase to them and told them "It's not my problem. Get in the car." And I walked out of the house to the van.

Isabella grab the first two socks she could find (dirty and mismatched). Nate walked out barefoot with his shoes and socks in his hand.

You'd think the story ends here. Except Nate, in his ultimate wisdom, chose not to put his shoes and socks on in the car. Don't ask. I have no idea what his little brain was thinking. As we pulled up to school and got ready to get out, Nate began whining that he didn't have his shoes on yet.
"Bummer," I said. "Your bell's about to ring and you need to get inside. You're going to have to go in barefoot. Hopefully your teacher will let you put your shoes on in the classroom." Nate did not like that at all, complaining that his feet hurt and the grass was wet the whole way into the building. The best part of this story was that his teacher, after hearing from me why her cute blond-headed student didn't have his shoes on, picked right up where I left off and sat him in the back of the classroom to put his shoes on before he could sit down in circle time.

I love allowing my kids to learn through natural consequences especially when I have taught them ahead of time how to avoid the consequence. We can't make our kids do anything. And sometimes we have to allow them the opportunity to choose to learn a life lesson the natural way instead of our way. I've found that sometimes this is the most effective teacher.

So, hopefully tomorrow when I say, "We're leaving in 10 minutes, get your shoes and socks on," my children will take me a little more seriously. Because at 8:40, we're getting in the car whether they're ready or not. And maybe, just maybe, they will have two clean socks and a pair of shoes on their feet.

Ending the Arguing

Kids argue with us because they believe that as long as they keep our attention on the issue they have a chance to win. Obviously, if we ever give into our kids once they've started arguing with us, because they've worn us down or even because we've change our mind, we've only confirmed for them that arguing works, at least sometimes. If it works sometimes, then EVERYTIME they will give it a shot that THIS will be one of those "sometimes".

If you're like me, you probably HATE it when your kids start to argue with you when you've given your answer on an issue. So here's what I do to avoid the arguing:

When I see my kids are about to start arguing an issue I immediately look them strait in the eye and very calmly but firmly say, "I've given you my answer. I am not going to change my mind." This lets them know that it's not worth continuing with the discussion. Usually, this ends it (to their dismay) because I also try to be very consistent. They know that once I say this their chances are over. I love that "I'm not going to change my mind" phrase. It let's them know right away that it's not worth continuing on.

However, there are times when they test me, as children are designed to do. If they try to argue once I've told them I'm not changing my mind, then I offer them their choice.

"Now you are arguing. You can stop right now or you can take a time out for arguing. What's your choice?"

And then it's important to immediately follow through. A protest or continuing to argue means they've made their choice to take the time out. Not allowing an argument to go a sentence past "I'm not going to change my mind" and then consistently following through has stopped many potential arguing episodes with my kids.

But I have been teaching my kids something else. Sometimes they do have a good point and I have jumped to my final answer too quickly. If my children calmly come back talking like a "big boy" or "big girl" and present their case for my reconsideration, I will listen to them. Sometimes, they present good arguments and I will change my mind. Sometimes I will thank them for politely talking to me and that I'm very proud of them for doing so, but my answer is still "no". And sometimes we negotiate. I am OK with teaching them that sometimes they can get me to change my mind if they actually TALK to me. In my opinion, this is a good life skill to teach them. How many times in our adult lives do we need to change some one's mind? But we're more likely to be successful if we talk to the person rather than argue with them, right?

Try using the "I'm not going to change my mind" line, or your variation ("I've given you my final answer", "I've heard you, and my answer is 'no," etc.) with your kids and stick with it. Then, let me know how it works for you!

A Healing Touch

A long exhausting day with my baby. Samantha wants to be held more than my other two children ever did. I'm lucky if she'll let me put her down for more than 10 minutes. I've tried putting her in a sling so that she can feel held and I can still get things done. Sometimes she gives into me and puts up with the sling, but usually she protests.

Samantha cries a lot, too. Some of it is because she's still weeks old and it's completely normal for her to cry as much as she does. Some of it is because her tummy hurts as she seems to be suffering from acid reflux like her older sister did. Some of it is just her personality and she just likes to let you know when she doesn't like something. But whatever the reason, it wears me out physically and emotionally.

Until, around 9:00 at night, she settles down as her body prepares for her night of sleep. She becomes quiet and still. Her body gets heavy. There's a gentleness that comes over her. She even seems to smell sweeter. My husband offers to take her from me to give me a break. But I refuse. There is something healing in this moment. As I hold her against my chest and rest my check on the top of her little head I feel myself falling in love with her all over again. I hold her tighter soaking in every moment with her. All the stress and tiredness from the day melt away. I sense that they melt away for Samantha, too. We rest. We forgive. We enjoy being together. Mother and baby are bonded.

A story like this probably doesn't come as much of a surprise to you, especially if you're a mom. Even before our babies were born we see adds and read articles all emphasizing the importance of touch in creating bonds with your baby. But let me share a different story with you.

It has been a long exhausting day. Nate has had two time outs and one long temper tantrum in his room. I feel like I have been nagging him all day to clean up his messes, to stop picking on his older sister, to listen, to talk to me in a different way, to stop whining. It's 6:00 in the evening and I've just had another confrontation with him. I see his little face look defeated. He's on the verge of tears as he realizes he once again has not lived up to his mother's expectations. But this time I pause. I sense there is a division between the two of us that keeps getting bigger. My mother's heart wants to reach out to my son.

This time I do hand Samantha over to my husband. And instead of dealing out a consequence, I tell Nate to come to me. I lift up all 45 pounds of my big boy and hold him. Not just a hug, but hold him against my chest. I place my cheek on the top of his head and soak in the feeling of my little boy wrapped around me. Gradually, I feel the stress and tiredness of my day with Nate melt away. I feel Nate's body relax, too. I rub his back and stroke his hair and I whisper, "I love you, Bud," into his ear. We rest. We forgive. I fall in love with my little boy all over again. A healing moment. Mother and baby are bonded.

I am convinced that the healing and bonding power of touch does not end with our children once they stop being babies. Try it with your own children...even your older ones...and see if I'm right.

My Child Knows the "F" Word

"Mom, sometimes I get so mad at my friends that I want to say the "S" word."

I about spit out my dinner. The statement seemed to come out of nowhere and was not something I expected to hear from my little girl. But I tried to remain calm.

"What do you know about the 'S' word?" I inquired.

Isabella hesitated. I could tell she was carefully thinking about whether she could say it to me or not. Eventually, she decided it was safe enough to say the forbidden "S" word aloud. "Stupid," she blurted out. "Sometimes I just want to use that word, Mom."

My heart started beating again. I let out a deep sigh of relief that my child still held onto some of her innocence. Stupid. Of course that's the "S' word. Of course that's a word you shouldn't use with your friends, even when you're mad at them. Isabella agreed, relieved that I wasn't mad at her for saying the dreaded word.

We talked for awhile about friendships and how they can be challenging sometimes. We brainstormed some other things we could say to our friends when we get so mad that we want to say the "S" word. It was a great conversation, really. And just when I thought we were wrapping it up, and I was feeling good about how well I handled that whole interaction, Isabella says, "And I won't say the 'F'' word either. That's a bad word, too. Right, Mom?"

My head raced. "F" word? What harmless first-grade put down is the "F" word? I cautiously asked, "What do you know about the 'F'' word?"

Isabella was confident this time. She didn't hesitate since she had been able to safely say the "S" word without getting in trouble. So she just matter-of-factly said it. Only it was the "F" word. The true "F-Bomb".

I couldn't believe I was hearing the word coming out of my sweet little girl's mouth. Where did she hear it? I was absolutely positive she never heard it from me or my husband. I am not much of a swearer myself and my husband is great about not using foul language at home. I couldn't hide some of my shock on this one. "Isabella. That is a word we never say. That is a very bad word. Where did you hear that word?"

"At school," she replied. "But my teacher said it was a bad word and we shouldn't say it." Right. School. Quickly I reminded myself of all the positive reasons why I send my children to school and of the words Tim Kimmel says in his book Grace Based Parenting...that we can't protect our kids from everything in this world. I try to remember it's better to let kids encounter things and feel safe to talk about them with their parents than to hide the world from them so they won't know how to interact with it appropriately when it's eventually revealed to them anyway.

Learning the "F' word was going to happen sooner or later, and I shouldn't be surprised that it happened at school. I was just hoping it would have been introduced a little later. Yet here was my daughter wanting to know what the word meant and why you can't say it.

How do you explain the "F" word without opening a whole bunch of topics that my 6 1/2-year-old wasn't quite ready for? So, I told her that it basically means "disrespecting some one's body." Not a perfect answer, I know. But it was enough to satisfy her since she knows it is a big deal to disrespect someone. We then talked about how words are just words but that there are some words people have decided are more hurtful and powerful than others. The "F" word was one of these words. It is one of the worst words you can say. And it's a yucky word. Some people think they look cooler or tougher when they use it. But we don't need that word to be cool or tough. We have other words we can use that don't hurt others and aren't yucky to say. Fortunately, Isabella was satisfied.

You might be interested in hearing how the word actually came up at Isabella's school. Apparently, they were learning a new word family one day. It was the "UCK" family. Isabella's teacher asked the class to come up with all the words they could think of that ended in "UCK". If you've ever been around a new reader, you know that they just take the ending given and start working their way through the alphabet. Buck. Cuck. Duck. You get the idea. After laughing hard at the image of Isabella's teacher panicking over 22 kindergartners stumbling on the "UCK" word that starts with "F", I again breathed a smaller sigh, but a sigh all the same, of relief that there was still some innocence left in my daughter.

Pick Up Your Toys or I Will

I didn't have time to argue. The baby had been crying and I was just sitting down to nurse her. We had friends coming over in about 30 minutes. Nate's toys, that were strewn all over the floor and stairs, needed to be picked up.

I asked him once to please pick up his things. He immediately developed some rare condition that causes his legs not to work and he complained that he couldn't walk. Going through the effort of a time out was not an option at this point.

So I told Nate that he had until I was done nursing Samantha to pick up all of his things. Anything that wasn't picked up by the time I was finished was going to go into a bag. Nate chose to cry the entire time while I nursed instead of picking anything up.

So, when I was done, I went to the kitchen and got a big plastic Target bag. I dramatically shook it open for Nate to hear (which made him wail all the more) and quickly swept through the room picking up everything I saw and placing it in the bag. In went about 20 toy cars, his favorite Mac truck, his brand new coin sorter that held over $7 of saved coins, some Star Wars figures and ships, and a pair of shoes. It took me about three minutes to collect it all and store the bag in a place I knew Nate would not find it.

The main goal for me was to get the toys picked up so our guests could come over. The consequence of Nate not doing it himself needed to be more of an inconvenience to him than me. Me picking up his toys was just that, for these were some of his very favorite possessions. And now they were all gone.

Nate of course wanted them back and promised he'd put them all away "right now". I of course said, "No" because he didn't listen to me when I asked him to do it the first time. And since I had to pick up all of the toys, they were now mine.

"Where are they?" he cried.

"Sorry, bud," I calmly replied. "I put them in a bag and I'll decide what to do with them. They're mine now so don't worry about it." By staying calm and matter-of-fact, Nate got the message right away that there was nothing he could do to change the situation.

Fast forward to the next day. I needed help getting ready for dinner. I asked Nate to help clean off the table for me, putting some of the dishes that were left behind into the sink (some not even his), and then to wipe down the table so we could eat at it. He did it right away without even complaining. When he was finished I said, "Nate, thank you so much for your help and for doing it right away. That was great! I'd like to thank you by letting you pick something out of the bag I collected yesterday."

Nate's eye's lit up as he carefully picked out one item from the bag (his coin counter. Good choice). He was so excited to be able to rescue one of his possessions. And he felt good that he got it unexpectedly for being a good listener.

In the days that have followed, I have looked for opportunities when he's being a good listener to "thank him" by letting him pick out another item from the bag. I don't bribe him with the bag first by saying something like "if you do this you can get something from the bag" because I don't want him listening just so he can get something. Rather, I want him to listen whether he gets something for it or not. He never knows when I'm going to offer a chance to pick an item from the bag.

This has been a great consequence as it has accomplished two things. First, it allows me to regularly reinforce in a positive way the listening skills that I want Nate to improve on. Secondly, he has been much quicker to pick up his things the first time I ask. =)

Let Me Hold You Longer

It has been three weeks since my last post. Laying beside me, sound asleep (finally), is my new sweet baby girl, Samantha Caroline.

When she was born, she was 8 pounds 5.7 ounces and 20.5 inches. Definitely a good-sized baby but still so tiny.

Samantha Caroline Wood born June 17th 5:06pm

I held her and touched her and explored her little features and smelled her and loved her. So tiny. So sweet. So new.

And then my two older children came into the room to see me and meet their new little sister. Let me rephrase that. GIANTS came into my room to see me and their new sister. Oh my gosh! My 4 1/2 and 6 1/2-year olds were so huge! It took my breath away. It sounds weird to say, but I almost didn't recognize them. It was hard to get my mind around the fact that these were my babies, too. Only, they weren't babies anymore. They were big kids even though both of them started out tiny like Samantha was now. What happened? When did they get so big?

Tomorrow, June 8th Samantha will be three weeks old. When I hold her, I can't believe how big she has already gotten. She weighs almost two pounds more than she did when she was born and is almost three inches longer. And I want her to stop.

I think the thing that most first-time moms are told the most through their pregnancy and first year of parenthood is, "It goes by so fast. Enjoy it while you can." I'm sure most first-time moms are like I was. The months of interrupted sleep seemed to never end. Time did not seem to go by fast as I just tried to get through one day after another. In the midst of my exhaustion and frustrations and just plain operating in new-mom survival mode, hearing "it goes by so fast" came in one ear and out the other...until I walked my daughter up to her classroom on her first day of kindergarten.

When my son was born, I had him and a two-year-old. While I wasn't as stressed about how to parent him as I was with my first, I now was always on the go. My son came along for the ride as I shuttled my daughter to preschool, playgroups, and my work-related appointments. Regretfully, once again, I was just mostly getting through each day. This fall, my son will be attending school full-time five days a week. He's so big. Where did the time go?

And so, as I hold Samantha, I tell her to "stop it!" Stop growing so fast. I'll take the exhaustion, and the sleepless nights, and the wanting to nurse every two hours during the day, and the gazillion poopy diapers to just hang on a little longer to this infancy stage. Because it's gone so fast. I already see it slipping away. And I'll never experience this stage again as a mother (99% sure of that).

I do look forward to each new stage my children will go through. I can't wait until Samantha is old enough to talk so I can get to know her in a deeper way and begin to see who she really is going to be as a person. It will be fun to see Nate develop new friendships and grow academically and emotionally next year and see what new qualities this brings out in him. And I'm enjoying watching Isabella emerge into a full-blown school-aged girl that includes deeper conversations and being able to participate in more "grown-up" activities with me.

But, I also want to try to live in the moment more with my children and enjoy where they're at. Because while every stage will come with it's own set of challenges that I won't miss saying good-bye to, each one also has very special and unique qualities that I will miss once my kids grow out of them.

Karen Kingsbury wrote a great children's book that every parent should read. She begins her book "Let Me Hold You Longer" like this:

Long ago you came to me,
a miracle of firsts:
First smiles and teeth and baby steps,
a sunbeam on the burst.
But one day you will move away
and leave to me your past,
And I will be left thinking of a lifetime of your lasts...

Whether you're a first-time parent or a veteran, will you join me in an effort to more intentionally focus on and appreciate the stages that our children are in now? You can start by commenting below on what you love about the stage your child(ren) are in now.

Be Still My Soul

Several weeks ago I started to memorize the first verse to the song “Be Still My Soul”. I planned to use it as comfort and strength through my labor. Each line jumped out at me as speaking directly toward different aspects that I would be experiencing through the process. Almost every night for the past four weeks I have sung the verse to myself over and over envisioning using it to focus through contractions.

Be still my Soul the Lord is on your side
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain
Leave to your God to order and provide
Through every change God faithful will remain
Be still my Soul your best, your heavenly friend
Through thorny ways brings to a joyful end

Yesterday, I was told that I needed to have a c-section. At 40 weeks and 6 days pregnant, I have a baby that is not descending into my pelvis and remains “high” in my uterus. I also have a cervix that looks no different today than it did 9 months ago despite trying many different methods to get both situations to change. In a quest to discover what could be going on, I went in for a very extensive ultrasound. It showed I have a very healthy, happy baby who moves A LOT, with a strong heartbeat. From what we can tell, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the baby. But the umbilical cord is clearly wrapped around its neck which is what they suspect is holding the baby up so high, preventing the pressure needed for effacement and dilation to have started to occur by now.

On top of this, the baby was measuring at 9 lbs 11 oz. Ultrasounds can be inaccurate on this, on average +/- 1 pound. However, that still leaves a baby that could be around 8 lbs 11oz if looking toward the lower end of possibility. Definitely a baby I could deliver (my son was 8lb 9oz), but it was felt that it was still a heavy enough baby that if it suddenly dropped into my pelvis with the cord around its neck it could create a bad situation. If left to go into labor on my own, there could be a strong possibility, that at the very least, the baby could be choked and have a very stressful birth. At the worse…well…we can all imagine. Of course there remains the possibility that the baby could be born vaginally with no problems. After all, babies are born with cords around their necks all the time. And who knows what could change in the days ahead? However, my husband and I had to weigh one set of risks against another and ultimately concluded that the risks of having a vaginal birth outweighed the risks of a c-section. And so, we scheduled the surgery for today.

But this decision didn’t come without disappointment, anger and grief.

I know that many of you reading this don’t understand that at all. I know many of you have only experienced c-section births and thought it was great. Little pain, except for healing. Quick delivery. Baby with a perfectly round head. Whole process over in less than an hour. My daughter was a c-section. And despite the complications I experienced with mine, I understand where some of you are coming from. Especially if you’ve had one c-section, doing the same with subsequent births seems easier than trying for a VBAC.

Some of you kinda get what I feel. You have had vaginal births and know that it can be an amazing experience. Fortunately, many of you have never had to make the decision whether to deliver this way or not. But maybe you still don’t understand why I would WANT to go through labor. After all, it can be long. It hurts. A lot. It’s tiring. I know many parents who don’t see the process as a highlight for them. That the baby at the end is all that matters. Bring on the drugs and let’s just get to the baby. I get this point of view, too. My son was a VBAC. I was in labor for 32 hours. It was long and hard and in the end I ended up with an epidural, which really did make the last eight hours wonderful as I got to rest to prepare to eventually push out a very healthy baby.

I don’t in any way want to imply that anyone who has had only c-sections is any less of a parent because of that. Or that a medicated birth makes you a wimp. That if you never tried a VBAC when the opportunity presented itself that you just caved into your fears. We all have our own stories. We all have our reasons for doing things the way we have done them. And regardless of the birth experience you have, you can still be a wonderful parent to your child. Please hear me loud and clear on that one. I am just explaining my personal reasons for why I am grieving. What I feel I’m missing out on. Why having a natural birth meant so much to me.

For me, birth is more than just a healthy baby in the end. Of COURSE this is the most important, but it’s not the ONLY thing that is important to me. Birth for me has so much more meaning than just getting the baby out of my belly. I strongly believe that God designed the process of birth to be the way it is for a reason. I think it prepares us for parenthood in an unique way that only labor and birth can. I think there is something spiritual about trusting God’s design of your body… that it WAS made to birth. It forces you to release fear and surrender to a process that you can’t control. There are only a handful of opportunities in a mother’s life to experience this amazing design the way it was intended. And for someone who values meaning and connection to generations before me, there is something about joining in with the millions of women before me who successfully birthed babies, some in the dirt, not with drugs, and they did it. And I wanted to do that with them. I think of all my reasons for a natural birth, this is the most difficult for me to articulate. So, I’ll just leave it at that.

There is also a bonding I felt with my son as we labored together knowing that he was working just as hard as I was to be born. The two of us were in this together which led to this feeling of “we did it” as I held him for the first time. And while I definitely don’t love my daughter any less than my son and absolutely was able to bond with her after her birth, there was something significantly different in how that all came about with her compared to how it happened with my son.

And so my plan was to experience the birthing process again with this baby. I wanted a chance to even “do it better” by my standards. Knowing what to expect, knowing what I could have done differently to make my labor even easier, knowing ahead of time that “I can DO this”…I was excited to do labor and delivery again, this time with the goal of staying home as long as possible to avoid drugs and the interventions that can come when the hospital staff discovers they’re dealing with a VBAC.

So many people are always surprised when I tell them I had a successful VBAC and that I would do it again. And so there is also a part of me that wanted to show that not only can it be done once but twice!

As a result, in the last 24 hours I’ve cried a lot. This is not what I had planned. But as my good friend pointed out to me last night, I have to still surrender to this birth. I have to surrender my expectations. I have to surrender my control. I have to surrender my perceptions and let go of the pressure I put on myself regarding who I think I need to be for others. It’s hard. But some of that process is what I believe birth does for a mom anyway. I’m just having to do it from a different approach.

Last night, the words to my song came back to me. I was immediately struck how line by line it still spoke to me but in a whole different and new way. As I work on releasing my anger at the unfairness I feel toward my situation I’m reminded the Lord is on my side. As I grieve the lost opportunity of a vaginal birth knowing this was my last child, I stay patient. And though this is an unexpected change in plans, God remains faithful. I believe He is a friend that will take this difficult situation and turn it into joy. Because in less than eight hours, I will be holding my new precious little one and my soul will be still.

Off to Have a Baby...

No blog post this week. I'm off to have another baby. Looking forward to sharing stories involving this new little one with you soon!

Blessings!
Tara

Kids and Media

It comes up all the time in parenting conversations. What is OK for our kids to watch on TV and movies? Do we let them play video games and on the computer?

This is a huge topic with lots to be addressed in the discussion. I could probably write a book just on this (maybe I will someday). But for now, let me just briefly share how I address this with my kids.

To start with, my husband and I have developed a set of values that are the foundation for everything we do regarding our kids. These values are the things that we have decided are most important to us as a family and that we want our children to possess as adults. For us it’s things like loving and caring for others, respecting ourselves and others, and not using violence to solve problems.

We also are aware of the developmental and cognitive abilities of our children. For instance, kids are slow to develop abstract thinking, a skill that doesn’t really set in until around age 10. And preschoolers and early elementary-aged children still struggle with making the distinction between reality and fantasy.

Additionally, we’re aware that one of the ways kids learn what we value and what is important to us is by observing where we spend our time. If we say it is important to us to love and care for others but then spend a significant amount of time watching movies or playing video games where this isn’t the case, we’re sending a mixed message to our kids. We can’t fool ourselves that kids will be able to believe us when we say it’s not OK to solve our problems by hitting but then have them watch us be regularly entertained by people duking it out or shooting each other. So, we are very conscious of what we allow our kids to see us paying attention to.

With our standards in place and keeping in mind how our kids are learning, it becomes easier to make decisions about all our various parenting practices including what kinds of media to expose our kids to.

My husband and I are very careful when choosing what movies, video games and books our kids can watch and read and try to eliminate those that are strong in the behaviors we don’t want our kids to model. We don’t want to teach our children that violence and foul language and promiscuous behavior is appropriate, entertaining, and acceptable at any time.

That being said, even classic fairy tales have elements of violence and instances of not caring for others. We can’t possibly (and don’t want to) eliminate every single movie, game, or book from our children’s lives. We don’t want to raise sheltered children. This means that most of the time we have to be very involved in the media that our kids are interacting with so that we can address any behavior that goes against our values as a family. And if we don’t want to be involved, or don’t have time to be, then we flat out won’t allow them to watch or play or read that particular title at that time.

Here’s a recent example of how I stayed involved in the media my kids were watching. Last week I took the kids to see Disney Pixar’s ”UP” (great movie by the way). But there were several instances throughout the movie that went against our family values. Instead of packing up the kids and “rescuing them,” I actively stayed engaged throughout the movie, ready to answer their questions and searching for teachable moments. At one point I whispered to them, “That wasn’t very nice, was it?” when the old man whacked another guy in the head causing him to bleed. And then pointed out to my kids the consequence the old man received as a result of his behavior. We also processed together many of the events of the movie on the way home. I didn’t just leave it at “did you like the movie?”

In case you’re also wondering, I do let my kids play on the computer. They are allowed on NickJr.com, Playhouse Disney, and PBS kids, three sites that I know are fun, educational and I feel comfortable enough about the material that I don’t feel I always have to stay fully involved when my kids are playing there. Any other sites they visit are only when I am sitting there with them. Now that she’s starting to grow out of the younger preschool sites, my school-aged daughter and I are gradually exploring other sites that she can visit that I will eventually feel comfortable enough to let her play on without me right beside her.

As for video games, we have a Wii and they play Mario Kart and the various sports games we have. We introduced them to Star Wars by letting them play Lego Star Wars, originally playing with them. But that’s about it for now.

They can watch PBS on TV anytime when I’m not in the room. And Qubo on Saturday mornings. All other programs they ask permission to watch or watch with a parent.

And if you’re wondering about toy guns in our house, we do have water guns and Jedi Light Sabers. The rule is we cannot shoot or kill people even in play. They can shoot monsters and robots, but not people. We explain to them regularly that we don’t even pretend to hurt people and we don’t find people getting hurt entertaining.

However, we also regularly watch The Simpsons with our kids (switching the channel briefly when Itchy and Scratchy come on). We have watched with them Star Wars movies 3, 4, and 5. And while the majority of the time we listen to Way FM in the mini van, my daughter’s two favorite songs are”Root Down” by the Beastie Boys and “Holiday” by Greenday. Nate likes Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” and Rihanna’s “Please Don’t Stop the Music”.

Like I said at the beginning, this is a big topic and there is plenty more to be said about it. Let’s chew on this much for now. What would you like to see addressed on this topic in the future? What questions do you have? Leave a comment below.

Is Anyone Else Doing That?

It's important that we provide our kids instruction on appropriate behavior in a variety of ways. One of my favorite teaching tools, and often the most effective, is the "Look around you. Is anyone else doing that?" technique, or more simply, the observation technique.

Here's an example of how I used this parenting strategy recently:

To start with, I get it that it can sometimes be hard for two younger kids to sit still and be patient when you're at a relatively nice restaurant that doesn't immediately put the food in front of you the second you order it or only calls you to the table when the meal is ready to be served. However, going out to dinner is not a foreign concept to my kids. We actually do it about once a week. So I expect that they should know how to behave appropriately in this given situation.

And yet, they're still kids, more often than not in their own little worlds, forgetting that there are rules to follow and not thinking before they do. Which is why on this particular night out my kids had to be reminded again of appropriate behavior.

It started when they realized that the table we were sitting at didn't have legs or a center pole holding it up. It actually was pretty interesting. But in true kid style, they quickly made the connection that they could easily reach their legs to touch the other on the opposite side without anything getting in the way. Slowly my children began to sink deeper and deeper under the table as they tried harder and harder to reach the other who was trying to avoid the feet of their sibling while at the same time trying to touch them with their own feet. The behavior quickly became way inappropriate (and embarrassing). Time to use my teaching strategy.

The first step was making my kids aware that they were doing something out of context for the environment they were in. So I said, "You guys. Stop for a minute. Look around the restaurant. Do you see anyone else here doing what you're doing?" My kids looked around and admitted they didn't. I continued, "Look at the children sitting at that table over there. Do you see them playing around they way you guys are?" Again, they admitted that they didn't.

The next step was to get them to pick up, on their own, the appropriate behavior for the current situation. So next I asked, "What do you see the people in the restaurant doing instead?" I got my kids to verbalize to me the things they saw people doing; eating, talking to the other people at the table, kids coloring, using quiet voices, etc.

Finally, I wanted them to mirror the behavior of the community in the room. So I asked them to show me what the other people in the room look like. Show me how they are they sitting. Show me how they are acting at the table. My kids usually love this part of the "lesson" because it's like acting out a play. They briefly pretended to be various people in the room, mimicking their behavior, sitting tall, copying their mannerisms.

The observation lesson is concluded with lots of praise. "Good job you guys! You are very observant. That's how you guys need to behave, too so that your behavior is appropriate."

It is important that we not just teach kids the right way to behave, but that we also teach them how to pick up on the social cues given by others on the appropriate way to behave by teaching them to observe their surroundings. After all, we won't always be there in every situation to coach them on the appropriate way to behave. We need to teach our kids how to figure this out on their own.

The other great advantage of this teaching technique is that it helps you keep your cool as a parent. Because I'm not scolding or offering consequences or repeating myself over and over it's easy to stay in conversation mode which in turn helps me be a better teacher and my kids better able to respond to the "lesson". It ends up being a fun experience for all of us as we become more aware of our surroundings and have family conversation about it. The end result is a higher success rate than if we had to approach the behavior a different way. Usually having this conversation just once in a given situation is enough to keep my kids' behavior at a more appropriate and manageable level.

I love this strategy and use it often in a variety of contexts; at the grocery store, at church, at school performances, the library, just about anywhere. You can even use the same strategy in reverse when encountering another child who is misbehaving. When this happens I might say to my kids, "What is that child doing that the rest of us aren't?" "What should they be doing instead?"

Try this parenting tip out. Then let me know how it worked for you!