Is Anyone Else Doing That?

It's important that we provide our kids instruction on appropriate behavior in a variety of ways. One of my favorite teaching tools, and often the most effective, is the "Look around you. Is anyone else doing that?" technique, or more simply, the observation technique.

Here's an example of how I used this parenting strategy recently:

To start with, I get it that it can sometimes be hard for two younger kids to sit still and be patient when you're at a relatively nice restaurant that doesn't immediately put the food in front of you the second you order it or only calls you to the table when the meal is ready to be served. However, going out to dinner is not a foreign concept to my kids. We actually do it about once a week. So I expect that they should know how to behave appropriately in this given situation.

And yet, they're still kids, more often than not in their own little worlds, forgetting that there are rules to follow and not thinking before they do. Which is why on this particular night out my kids had to be reminded again of appropriate behavior.

It started when they realized that the table we were sitting at didn't have legs or a center pole holding it up. It actually was pretty interesting. But in true kid style, they quickly made the connection that they could easily reach their legs to touch the other on the opposite side without anything getting in the way. Slowly my children began to sink deeper and deeper under the table as they tried harder and harder to reach the other who was trying to avoid the feet of their sibling while at the same time trying to touch them with their own feet. The behavior quickly became way inappropriate (and embarrassing). Time to use my teaching strategy.

The first step was making my kids aware that they were doing something out of context for the environment they were in. So I said, "You guys. Stop for a minute. Look around the restaurant. Do you see anyone else here doing what you're doing?" My kids looked around and admitted they didn't. I continued, "Look at the children sitting at that table over there. Do you see them playing around they way you guys are?" Again, they admitted that they didn't.

The next step was to get them to pick up, on their own, the appropriate behavior for the current situation. So next I asked, "What do you see the people in the restaurant doing instead?" I got my kids to verbalize to me the things they saw people doing; eating, talking to the other people at the table, kids coloring, using quiet voices, etc.

Finally, I wanted them to mirror the behavior of the community in the room. So I asked them to show me what the other people in the room look like. Show me how they are they sitting. Show me how they are acting at the table. My kids usually love this part of the "lesson" because it's like acting out a play. They briefly pretended to be various people in the room, mimicking their behavior, sitting tall, copying their mannerisms.

The observation lesson is concluded with lots of praise. "Good job you guys! You are very observant. That's how you guys need to behave, too so that your behavior is appropriate."

It is important that we not just teach kids the right way to behave, but that we also teach them how to pick up on the social cues given by others on the appropriate way to behave by teaching them to observe their surroundings. After all, we won't always be there in every situation to coach them on the appropriate way to behave. We need to teach our kids how to figure this out on their own.

The other great advantage of this teaching technique is that it helps you keep your cool as a parent. Because I'm not scolding or offering consequences or repeating myself over and over it's easy to stay in conversation mode which in turn helps me be a better teacher and my kids better able to respond to the "lesson". It ends up being a fun experience for all of us as we become more aware of our surroundings and have family conversation about it. The end result is a higher success rate than if we had to approach the behavior a different way. Usually having this conversation just once in a given situation is enough to keep my kids' behavior at a more appropriate and manageable level.

I love this strategy and use it often in a variety of contexts; at the grocery store, at church, at school performances, the library, just about anywhere. You can even use the same strategy in reverse when encountering another child who is misbehaving. When this happens I might say to my kids, "What is that child doing that the rest of us aren't?" "What should they be doing instead?"

Try this parenting tip out. Then let me know how it worked for you!