That Stuff Isn't Mine! or The Importance of Helping Each Other

Recently, we were expecting last-minute guests and I needed all the help I could get cleaning our disaster of a house. I put Nate to work at loading all the clothes into the wash (one of his favorite jobs) and I asked my daughter to be in charge of cleaning the living room. Isabella, eager to help, went straight to work putting away her books, picking up her stray clothes, taking her toys back to her room and hanging up her schoolbag. Within 10 minutes she announced, "I'm done!" Shocked at how quickly she cleaned up the room, I came to see for myself. The room, while cleaner, was still a mess. Cups and plates were still out from after-school snack. Toys and books were still on the floor. Adult-sized shoes were near the couch. And some of the laundry I had folded but not yet put away were still in piles on the couch waiting to moved.

"Isabella," I said, "you're not done. Look at the room. Is it clean and ready for our friends to come over?"

"No," she admitted, "but that stuff isn't mine."

It struck me at this point that most of my cleaning instruction to my kids revolved around the idea of cleaning up your own messes. If you took the toys out, you need to put them away. Pick up your clothes and put them in the basket. Take your dish to the sink. Even when I gave Isabella the responsibility to start cleaning the downstairs bathroom it was in the context of "this is your bathroom, you need to help keep it clean". And while it's true that this is definitely an important life lesson - we SHOULD clean up our messes and be responsible for our things - there is also an important ammendment to it as well, particularly in a family setting. When we live in community with each other, it's not just about us as individuals. We all help each other out when we can because, to quote High School Musical, "we're all in this together." Isabella needed to learn this lesson, too.

So I said, "I know these things are not yours. But it will be a big help if you put all those things away so our house will be clean for our friends."

If you have a school-aged child, or have any experience with one, you probably know what she said next. "But Mom!" (say it with me now) "That's not fair!"

I love that phrase because it's the perfect set up for what I got to say next.

"Oh Isabella," I said. "You don't want things to be fair. If we did everything fair in this house, you would have a lot more work to do. You would have to clean all your own clothes and fold them. You would have to clean all your own dishes every night. You would have to make your own meals. You would even probably have to find a job so that you could buy the food you will need to get at the grocery store. But Isabella," I continued, "I don't mind that we don't do everything fair in this house. Because I know it would be very dfficult for you to do all of these things by yourself when you're only six-and-a-half. And so, I help you because I love you. And we work together as a family because this house belongs to all of us. We all need to take care of it together. That is why I am helping you by cleaning your dishes and Nate's dishes and Daddy's dishes and putting away the stuff in the kitchen from your snack. And while I do that for you, I would like you to do the things in this room for me. Part of being a family is working together and helping each other out when we can."

Isabella stared at me frustrated. I could see her little brain trying to figure out if there was a loop-hole she could still argue. But in the end, she knew I was right. She didn't like it, but she turned around, and began putting all the things in the room away that weren't hers.

When it was done, I thanked her so much for helping me. I told her brother that his sister put all his things away for him, and he enthusiastically thanked her. I told Isabella that Nate had put all her dirty clothes in the washer for her. And Isabella thanked Nate for helping. And then you know what? Isabella said, "Thanks, Mom for cleaning the kitchen for me."

"Yes, Isabella," I said. "We all did a good job working as a team today, didn't we? It feels good to help each other out."