Letting Fear Have Too Much Control!

Do you let fear influence how you parent? Do you skip out on a vacation with your spouse because you're "scared" what it would look like to leave your children with someone else for more than 24 hours? I mean, what could happen, right? And you wouldn't be there! Or are you so consumed by what could happen at school, the influences, the teachers, the instruction, that you fret for months trying to find the "right" school for your child only to end up transferring your child to a new school the next year because the first one just wasn't good enough? I actually know parents who are stressing about what elementary school to send their child to and their child isn't even two-years-old yet.

As parents, we try to control so much of our child's lives, don't we? I catch myself doing it all the time. And my fear of "what will happen if I don't control it all" creeps into making some pretty dumb parenting mistakes. I've caught myself making a big deal out of my son who really wants to tuck in his t-shirt into his warm-up pants. Why? Because we're going out into public and I don't want people to think my son is a nerd or that I am a parent with no fashion sense. And so I create a battle with my son over his clothes. I feel so stupid about that in retrospect.

My daughter just got glasses. She thinks they are so cool, and even though the doctor told her she doesn't need to wear them all the time, she wants to because she thinks they're so neat. I am fighting not to fear for her at school today. I don't want the kids to tease her. I don't want people to miss what a beautiful girl she is because they see her in glasses. As if her whole beauty was dictated by whether or not she wears glasses! I know. Ridiculous! But this morning I found myself trying to go over with her again that she didn't have to wear her glasses all the time, and to put them in their case if she needed to, and, and, and... yadda yadda yadda, to which my daughter replied in exasperation, "Mom! I know! You've told me all this already!" I know most of my fear stems from my insecurities that developed when I was a little girl wearing glasses. I did NOT think they were great. I did not feel beautiful in them. And I got teased. But that doesn't mean my daughter will, too. And if she does? Truly, I can't protect her from every life encounter. And part of life is learning how to deal with the bumps in the road.

When I stop to think about it, there are so many areas where fear influences my parenting from the activities I involve them in, to how I dress them, to how I push them in their school work. Taking them to piano, buying them new clothes or making them take their time to do their homework is not bad in and of itself. But my motivation behind why I'm doing those things can be if I don't keep it in check. Because I don't want my kids to do any of these things out of fear. I don't want my daughter to be fearful of wearing her glasses. I want her to wear them with confidence and know she is beautiful regardless of what's on her face. I want my kids to do their best in school because I want them to realize their full potential academically not because they're scared they're going to get a bad grade or not keep up with their friends' grades. My fear should not turn into their motivating fear. Operating out of fear is not how we are suppose to live our lives. It's not healthy and it's certainly not what God intended for us.

But I also have to let go of these fears for the sake of making my job easier as a parent. After all, I CAN'T control everything in my child's life. And God didn't intend for me to. Tim Kimmel, in his book "Grace Based Parenting" (a book everyone should read. Get your copy now!) addresses this very issue. He writes,

It's true that your child is vulnerable, the world is evil, and Satan is destructive, but there is one other point that trumps all of these concerns. God is mighty!...Making safety the priority tells our children that we think God is incapable of doing what He said He would do for His children.

It's hard to accept as a parent that there is only so much I can do and control and to trust that God will fulfill his promise to protect and take care of my child (one of his children, too!) in the areas that I can't. I continue to try to work on this. The better I get at it, the easier parenting becomes for me. Fear and trying to keep control take up a lot of energy. And God knows I need as much of that energy as I can get to keep up with my kids!

How about you? What fears drive your parenting? Leave a comment and let us know. Let's work on this together!