Letting Fear Have Too Much Control!

Do you let fear influence how you parent? Do you skip out on a vacation with your spouse because you're "scared" what it would look like to leave your children with someone else for more than 24 hours? I mean, what could happen, right? And you wouldn't be there! Or are you so consumed by what could happen at school, the influences, the teachers, the instruction, that you fret for months trying to find the "right" school for your child only to end up transferring your child to a new school the next year because the first one just wasn't good enough? I actually know parents who are stressing about what elementary school to send their child to and their child isn't even two-years-old yet.

As parents, we try to control so much of our child's lives, don't we? I catch myself doing it all the time. And my fear of "what will happen if I don't control it all" creeps into making some pretty dumb parenting mistakes. I've caught myself making a big deal out of my son who really wants to tuck in his t-shirt into his warm-up pants. Why? Because we're going out into public and I don't want people to think my son is a nerd or that I am a parent with no fashion sense. And so I create a battle with my son over his clothes. I feel so stupid about that in retrospect.

My daughter just got glasses. She thinks they are so cool, and even though the doctor told her she doesn't need to wear them all the time, she wants to because she thinks they're so neat. I am fighting not to fear for her at school today. I don't want the kids to tease her. I don't want people to miss what a beautiful girl she is because they see her in glasses. As if her whole beauty was dictated by whether or not she wears glasses! I know. Ridiculous! But this morning I found myself trying to go over with her again that she didn't have to wear her glasses all the time, and to put them in their case if she needed to, and, and, and... yadda yadda yadda, to which my daughter replied in exasperation, "Mom! I know! You've told me all this already!" I know most of my fear stems from my insecurities that developed when I was a little girl wearing glasses. I did NOT think they were great. I did not feel beautiful in them. And I got teased. But that doesn't mean my daughter will, too. And if she does? Truly, I can't protect her from every life encounter. And part of life is learning how to deal with the bumps in the road.

When I stop to think about it, there are so many areas where fear influences my parenting from the activities I involve them in, to how I dress them, to how I push them in their school work. Taking them to piano, buying them new clothes or making them take their time to do their homework is not bad in and of itself. But my motivation behind why I'm doing those things can be if I don't keep it in check. Because I don't want my kids to do any of these things out of fear. I don't want my daughter to be fearful of wearing her glasses. I want her to wear them with confidence and know she is beautiful regardless of what's on her face. I want my kids to do their best in school because I want them to realize their full potential academically not because they're scared they're going to get a bad grade or not keep up with their friends' grades. My fear should not turn into their motivating fear. Operating out of fear is not how we are suppose to live our lives. It's not healthy and it's certainly not what God intended for us.

But I also have to let go of these fears for the sake of making my job easier as a parent. After all, I CAN'T control everything in my child's life. And God didn't intend for me to. Tim Kimmel, in his book "Grace Based Parenting" (a book everyone should read. Get your copy now!) addresses this very issue. He writes,

It's true that your child is vulnerable, the world is evil, and Satan is destructive, but there is one other point that trumps all of these concerns. God is mighty!...Making safety the priority tells our children that we think God is incapable of doing what He said He would do for His children.

It's hard to accept as a parent that there is only so much I can do and control and to trust that God will fulfill his promise to protect and take care of my child (one of his children, too!) in the areas that I can't. I continue to try to work on this. The better I get at it, the easier parenting becomes for me. Fear and trying to keep control take up a lot of energy. And God knows I need as much of that energy as I can get to keep up with my kids!

How about you? What fears drive your parenting? Leave a comment and let us know. Let's work on this together!

Teaching Time Management to Kids

I want to teach my children that there are definitely times when things need to get done immediately. For example, if we have guests coming over, I will expect that their room needs to be cleaned "right now". But it is also important for me to teach them to take responsibility for something I've asked them to do within a flexible range of time and for them to learn how make choices regarding when they would like to do that task. They may have clothes that need to be put away, but it doesn't REALLY make a big difference if it's done right this second. If I stop to think about it, what I really care about is that they get put away, not so much WHEN they do, so I let them choose when they'd like to put them away within a reasonable amount of time.

This the the beginning of teaching time management skills. Important because in life we will have tasks that need to be completed within a flexible range of time more often than tasks that need to be completed immediately. Right now I have a pile of dishes in my sink. They will get done today. Just not right now. Right now, I'm in the mood for writing. Plus, the kids are both in school right now. I can't write when they are home, but I can do dishes. The dishes don't need to be done "right this second."

Given this, I try to be intentional about providing as many opportunities as possible for my kids to learn how to manage their time. It's hard sometimes because it is so much easier to teach my kids to just do something the minute I tell them to do it. If I want those clothes put away, it's easier to tell them to stop what they're doing and put them away "right now" and know that it's done, than have to go through the sometimes longer process of teaching good time management which can result in having to implement consequences. But as we all know, parenting is not about making decisions based on what makes OUR lives easier, it's about making decisions based on what we need to teach our kids.

Last Wednesday was one of those times when I chose the harder parenting road for the sake of providing an opportunity for Isabella to make choices regarding when to get a list of tasks done. On this day, there were several things that needed to be done. She needed to do her homework. She needed to do her reading. She had piano to practice. And she had to had to had to take a bath. She was way over do.

Isabella had the things on her list she wanted to accomplish that day as well. She wanted to finish watching the movie she had started the day before. She wanted to work on her Leprechaun Trap (a school project due on Monday) with her dad when he got home. She wanted to have playtime with her brother. And she wanted to have extra time to read with her dad before bedtime because they were getting so close to the end of their chapter book.

So, the initial conversation went something like this:

Isabella: Mom, can I finish the movie I started yesterday?
Me: You can, but here are the things you need to get done today. You have homework to do. We need to do your Bag a Book (her reading). You have piano to practice because tomorrow is your lesson. And you have to take a bath tonight.
Isabella: OK, Mom. I'll do those things. But can I watch my movie first?
Me: You can choose to watch your movie now if you'd like, Isabella. But I also know you want to work on your Leprechaun Trap with Daddy tonight and you want to read more in your chapter book. Homework, Bag a Book, Piano, and Bath all have to be done before you can work on your trap. And it all has to be done before bedtime.


Now let me pause here a second. I did put in place some leverage points. I know how much working on this trap meant to Isabella AND I know how important reading before bedtime is to her. These were my leverage points to motivate her to accomplish her tasks. Just saying, "They have to be done before bed" probably wouldn't work for her (she would be fine going to bed not having done any of her tasks). Just like knowing I have guests coming at 6:00 motivates me to get going on cleaning my house, it's OK to find the leverage points that work for your own kids. It could be something as simple as "This needs to be done by dinner time." Dinner becomes the leverage. No dinner until the task is complete. Or no TV. Or no video games. You get the point.


Back to my story. Isabella accepted the terms and chose to watch her movie. I let her make this choice. I didn't try to talk her out of it. I accepted her decision and I went off to do my own tasks. Now, my daughter is only six and still does not have a good sense for time. If she were older, I would have her rely on the clock. But in her case, around 5:00 when she had finished her movie and had now moved on to playing with her brother, I came in the room and gave her a sense of time.

Me: Isabella, it is 5:00. Your dad will be home in 60 minutes. Would you like to get some of your stuff done before he gets home?
Isabella: (thinking a minute) OK Mom. Let's do Bag a Book.

So we did. As she put her book back in her backpack she saw her homework. Taking it out she looked at it and said , "This is easy!" I encouraged her to just do it now, and get it over with then. Which she did. All of this took maybe 25 minutes. So I pointed out to her...

Me: Isabella, you still have about 30 minutes before Daddy gets home. Do you want to do your 20 minutes of piano practice now and get it over with?
Isabella: (thinking) Nah. Not right now.
Me: OK. Isabella. That's your choice. Just remember what we talked about earlier.


And I left it at that and went back to my tasks.


Soon Dad comes home. VERY exciting! Isabella wanted to tell him about her day. And be silly. And help make dinner, which was turning out to take a lot longer to put together than usual and by now it was almost 7:00. So, I gave Isabella a sense of time.

Me: Isabella, it's actually later than it usually is when we have dinner. Bedtime is in 90 minutes. You still have piano and bath. And I know you have things you still want to do with Dad. Just thought I'd let you know.
Isabella: Mom, can I take a quick bath now while we're waiting for dinner to finish?
Me: That would be OK. But it has to be quick.

I got a bath going for her and helped her wash her hair right away. She wanted to stay in longer. But dinner was on the table. I told her she was welcome to stay in the bath and skip dinner if she'd like. She chose to get out.

And here comes the part where Isabella had to learn the hard way that she did not make very good choices on how to spend her day. And here's the part where as a parent I want to give in, and renegotiate, and come up with new rules, and not stick to what I originally said. Because, like every other parent out there, we hate to see our kids fail. So, I remind myself, that this is an important lesson for her to learn. And it's hard. But it's good. And I stick to it.

Dinner was full of talking and joking. It went slow. It is now 8:00 as we're wrapping up. Isabella's face lights up as she begins to talk about getting started on her Leprechaun Trap. In comes the leverage point.

Me: No, Isabella. You don't have time work on your trap. It is 8:00. Normally, this is when you start getting ready for bed. But you still have piano to do. I am actually worried that you're not even going to have time to read your chapter book tonight.
Isabella: (tears tears tears) But Mom! That's not fair! I want to work on my trap. I've been waiting all day to do it with Daddy!
Me: I know, Isabella. You're very disappointed that you chose to do other things earlier today instead of getting your piano done. I bet you wish you would have done it differently now.
Isabella: Yes, I do! I just want to do my trap. I don't want to do my piano.
Me: I know, Isabella. The trap is more exciting to you right now than your piano. But, our agreement was that everything had to be done before you could do your other things with Daddy.
Isabella: (sobbing)
Me: And now Isabella, I know you're disappointed, but you still have to do you piano. And you sitting here and crying and arguing is eating into your remaining time. Because, I'm not going to change my mind. And you do have to practice your piano. And I'm starting to worry that you're not even going to have time to brush your teeth or put on jammies.
Isabella: But what about dessert?
Dad: (who is awesome and is great a supporting things like this!) Isabella, I'd get a small piece of hard candy or something you can suck on while you practice. But it doesn't look like you'll have time for much else.


A few more protests. A few more reminders of time slipping away. A realization that Mom and Dad weren't budging on this. And suddenly there was my little girl playing her C-Scale double octaves and her Ode to Joy.

Isabella ended up with 2 minutes to get jammies on and her teeth brushed. Knowing we'd put her to bed at 8:30 tonight regardless of what she had finished, she somehow got it all done in a blur and was in bed by 8:30...well, maybe it was closer to 8:35. =)

Friday night, before Isabella went to bed, the Leprechaun Trap again came up. Her and Dad were planning to work really hard on it this weekend and get it completed. I told her she had two things she needed to do Saturday morning before the Leprechaun Trap could be worked on. She needed to clean her room and practice her piano.

At 7:30 Saturday morning I woke up to the sounds of double octave C-Scales being played. Her room was already clean. No joke!

Teaching Social Skills or Hey! Cut That Out!

I recently had a great conversation with a good friend of mine who is a teacher at a local middle school. She made a great comment. She said, "The popular kids get teased and put down just as much as the unpopular kids. Just the popular kids know how to stick up for themselves and not be affected by it."

In he mid-80's, Gardner came out with this theory of multiple intelligences. Basically, the premise is that someone can have intelligence in a variety of areas, not just what gets tested on an I.Q. test. All of us have strengths and weaknesses in these areas ranging from linguistic to intrapersonal (self-smarts). One of these areas that Gardner proposes is Interpersonal Intelligence, or in layman's terms, "good social skills".

What this means is, just like we all are born with varying degrees of athletic, musical or linguistic abilities, we're also born with varying degrees of social abilities. This doesn't mean that in any of these areas that we're seemingly "weaker" in, they can't be made stronger. It just means that we're not a natural in that area. While we're not all born Mozarts, most of us can learn how to play the piano with practice and effort and eventually be able to play one of his songs.

Why am I bringing all this up and where's the personal application to my own parenting? Well, I bring it up because I have to remember as a parent that just like I teach my kids proper manners at the dinner table, and their number awareness, and how to clean the bathroom the "right" way... Just like I send my awkward daughter to gymnastics to improve her body awareness and my son to preschool to better prepare him for elementary school...I need to also be intentional about teaching them good social skills that will help them be a good friend but also keep and maintain friendships with others. Because while my kids aren't totally socially lost, I would not say that they have a high natural ability in this area. Most kids don't.

Last Wednesday, my daughter came home from school very sad because a group of her friends stopped playing with her and ran off without her. It's really easy for my "momma bear" instincts to kick in when my daughter's sadness is caused by the actions of someone else. What I want to do is protect her from those bad feelings letting her know that friends can be mean sometimes and it's not fair. I want to wrap her in hugs and tell her I think she's wonderful and that I would play with her if I was a 6-year-old at her school. And I want to try to brush it off by reassuring her that tomorrow will be different. That's my initial impulse. But that is not helpful to my daughter. It would make her feel better, but it would also reinforce her letting her friends run off, feeling sad every time they do that, and then shrinking back to mommy at the end of the day for attention and comfort. So instead I tried to process the series of events with her. What were they all playing? What did you say? What did you do? When they did leave you, what did you do next? This gives me the information I need so we can take it step by step and see where in the process Isabella could have used better social skills.

I couldn't get all the details out of Isabella about what led up to her friends leaving her behind. But I did get from her that after they left she just went off and played by herself and was sad. So, here I took the opportunity to teach her that instead of pouting she needs to stick up for herself. When her friends leave her, she needs to go after them and say, "Hey! What's the deal? Why did you leave me?" Her friends may then give her the feedback she needs regarding what behavior SHE was doing that made them leave, so she can fix it. But it will also send the message of "I'm not a wimp and treat me with some respect." It also teaches Isabella that she is important enough to stick up for herself.

When Nate is getting picked on by his sister and truly has tried to nicely say, "please stop", and his sister isn't listening, instead of always coming to the rescue and disciplining Isabella, I tell Nate to look his sister strait in the face and say loud and firm, "Cut it out!"

When Isabella tells me about a boy in her class that was teasing her about her picture, I have her practice with me so that next time he does that she can look up at him calmly, but firmly, and say something like, "I didn't ask for your opinion," or ask "Why are you suddenly so interested in my picture?" It's not about being rude or disrespectful. Anyone who knows me and my kids know that respect and kindness ALWAYS comes first. But it IS about self-confidence and knowing how to stay strong in situations and not get walked over or beat down.

For the majority of kids, good social skills, from how to make friends, to how to solve problems, to how to stand up for yourself, have to be taught. I can't forget as a parent that these are important skills that I have to regularly teach to my kids just like I teach them other life skills. Social skills are such a huge part of our lives and I want to help set my kids up for success in this area, too.

There are many other simple activities that can be done with kids that help them learn and practice good social skills....Games you can play at the dinner table or do while driving to school. I won't fill this day's entry any more with further examples. You've read long enough. But if you'd like more of these ideas to help your child develop better social skills, just let me know! =) Thanks for reading!

Witnessing and Angry Dad

The other day my son and I had just picked up my daughter from school. As we were beginning our drive home, we pulled up behind a white SUV waiting at the stop sign to turn out of the neighborhood and onto the next major street. It didn't take long to realize that we had been sitting and waiting for a longer-than-usual amount of time. I turned my attention to the car in front of us and immediately saw what the delay was about.

Looking into the car, I saw a boy and a girl in the back seat, appearing from behind to be in maybe third and fifth grade respectively, and the face of a dad, fully turned around toward his kids, full of rage. Wild hand gestures and twisted facial expressions left no doubt that this man was more than just upset with his kids.

And now we, my children and I, and now the car behind me, were all sitting at the stop sign waiting while this father literally screamed relentlessly at his children.

At one point, the father raised his hand and began the motion to strike. Both children immediately shrank away and the father, glancing back at me, paused and retracted his hand.

I gasped.

Nate and Isabella, who had up to this point been catching up with each other on their days and oblivious to the scene in front of us, heard me. Isabella immediately turned her attention to me and asked what was wrong. I told her, "That daddy in front of us is very angry at his kids and almost hit them because he was so mad." Isabella leaned in so she could get a look, and for the first time saw what I was seeing.

"Mom, he's really mad!"
"I know, sweetie. And he's not cooling down."
"I bet those kids are really scared, Mom."
"I would be, too. I feel very sad for those kids."
"Mom, that daddy needs your help."
I chuckled. "Well, Isabella," I said. "I can only help those parents who want it." But my mind was already trying to decide if it was time for me to intervene. Quickly thoughts raced as to what I could do to help defuse the situation. Should I ask the man in the car behind me to come with me and help talk to this dad since he was in such a rage? What would I say that would be non-threatening but could offer a chance to redirect attention toward me and away from the kids? Being in differnent cars seemed to make it more complicated.

I never got a chance to execute a plan because at this point, the dad whipped himself back around and, just to make an extra point to his kids, accelerated quickly into his turn making the tires squeal a bit. I was left just to imagine what would happen next in that family. The inside of my car went quiet. Isabella and Nate didn't speak. So I did.

"You guys, the way that daddy was yelling at his kids is not OK, no matter what those kids did. Sometimes we do things that make others mad..." Here, Isabella jumped at the chance to give examples of things that she does that makes mommy and daddy mad and things that make her friends mad. Nate also chimed in to point out the things Isabella does that make HIM mad, although he offered no examples of what he does.

Instead of completing my thought, I joined the side conversation in order to point out that even I, as a mommy, do things that sometimes make people mad. I sometimes make them mad, or daddy mad, or my friends mad, or even the people I work with. Kids and adults make mistakes and bad choices. But (now contnuing with my original point) when you are mad at someone, it is NEVER OK to get so angry at them that you scream at them or that you hit them.

Isabella thought a moment and replied back, "Mommy, I am so glad you never get that mad at me."

Actually, I do get really mad at my kids sometime. So mad in fact that I want to hit them. And definitely mad enough that I want to scream at them. But I make a choice not to follow through with that feeling. Because I don't ever want my kids to be scared of me. I want them to know that there is NOTHING that they could do that would make me lash out at them in a way that could cause them to lose their trust in me. Because we all make mistakes. And mistakes, while they sometimes can hurt another person, are not the end of the world. And it's more important for me to love a person (and my kids are people) through their mistakes and help them come to a point where something is learned from them than allow our relationship to be damaged because I just want to focus on my anger and make it all about me.

I don't know the whole story of what was going on with those kids in the white SUV and their father. I don't know what kind of day that man had. I don't know the attitude of the kids as they interacted with their dad. And while those kids could not have been with their dad more than a few minutes since they had just gotten out of school, I don't know if there was a major mistake on the kids' part that was just discovered by the parent that was a "last straw" event. But I do know, that whatever the circumstances, that dad was not sending a message of love to his kids even when they fail. He was not teaching his kids that we all make mistakes, and while this is very upsetting, we need to learn from them so it doesn't happen again. He was not teaching his kids that he was a safe place to come to even when you mess up. Even a six and a four-year-old sitting in the car behind him could see that.

Children are no less human than adults. As parents, we need to remember to treat them that way, even when it's hard. And we ned to take advantage of every opportunity (even if it's witnessing an example of someone not behaving appropriately) to show our kids that we love them and that we are safe, whether they are making good choices or bad. If this is something that YOU struggle with, and you're ready to do it differently, check out the Xylem Calendar www.xylemfamily.org/calendar and come to the next Anger Regulation and Problem Solving class or set up a private consult. Do it for you, and especially for your kids.