2-hour Time Out

One of the best pieces of advice I can offer parents is to always be more stubborn than your kids. Believe it or not, my kids are VERY strong-willed and if they didn't have a mom who was the same...well I can't imagine what nightmares of kids they would be. Instead, I am thrilled to say that I have two very opinionated, often strong-willed children, but that's a quality in them I love instead of feel threatened by.

I have many examples of how this strong-willed side of my children have manifested itself, but today I will share the most recent with my now four-year-old, Nate.

It all started before I even came to pick my son up. My good friend and I exchange childcare with each other so that we can both get an extra half-day of work in each week. Nate spends the day with his best friend on Tuesday afternoons and I get the boys Friday afternoons until we meet up again at the elementary school where we both pick up our daughters from kindergarten.

On this particular Tuesday, Nate had somehow hurt his friend at his house and had refused to say, "sorry". Instead he tried to justify the reasons why he shouldn't have to. My friend tried to explain to Nate that it was always important to say sorry to someone you've hurt however it happened or whatever the reasons. My strong-willed child refused. Time out was given, and at the end of his four minutes, Nate STILL refused to apologize. Nate stayed in time out despite many opportunities to chose to come out if only he would say he was sorry to his friend.

Now my friend came to a dilemma. It came time to put the boys in the car to go meet up at the school. Nate dug in his heels and refused to apologize and chose instead to not talk or play at all through the whole car ride and waiting time at the school.

Then I showed up. Nate saw me coming and I think knew in his heart that he was not going to win this one in the end. But determination set in and he was going to try. He sat himself as far away from me as possible and pouted while my friend filled me in on what was going on.

Ready to take over now, I casually walked over to my son with a, "Hey bud! I understand that you need to say sorry to your friend for hurting him. Are you ready to go do that?" No answer.

"OK Bud. Then you can sit right here in time out until you choose differently." I picked a place closer to me for him to sit to show him that he didn't get to call the shots until he started making better choices. He sat there and sat there. Every couple minutes or so I'd check in with him and see if he was ready to chose to come out of time out. But he wouldn't even look at me much less talk.

My friend tried to help out by staying around as long as they could just in case Nate became ready. But time had run out for them and they had places to be. I too had errands I needed to run. So, I went to Nate and said,

"You know what Nate? You have two people that you need to apologize to. Your friend for hurting them and My Friend for not listening. You will stay in time out until you do that because it's important to say sorry when you've done something wrong to someone. Just so you know, you do not get to do anything until that happens. We are going to two stores now. You will not get to have a free cookie at the grocery store or get to chose any of the things we're getting as long as you're in time out. There will be no special treats at the other store we're going to for kids who are in time out. And Bud, there is no dinner, video games, TV, nothing for kids who are in time out. It's up to you when you decide to say sorry and when you get to do things again. Just let me know when you're ready."

I gathered my silent little boy up and walked him to the van. And then began directing all of my attention to my daughter. A couple times Nate wanted to participate in the conversation to which I'd say, "Oh Nate! Are you ready to apologize to your friend and my friend? You need to do that first before you can talk with us." Immediately, Nate would get quiet and go back to his pouting posture.

Nate made it through the grocery store refusing to talk and acting like he didn't care that he didn't get a cookie. Though a bit surprised at how far he was willing to test me, I wasn't worried. I knew I could always be the more stubborned and would take it all the way to bedtime and the next morning if I had to.

It was the second store that he caved. We were at Office Max. And I knew just the right button to push. I said, "Isabella, I'm really thirsty. I'm going to grab a drink. Would you like an orange soda?" Nate perked up wanting one, too. "Bummer, Bud," I said. I can't give you a drink while you're in time out." We made it all the way out of the store and into the van when Nate suddenly transformed into a very happy boy. "Mom!" he exclaimed. "I'm ready now. I want to say sorry to my friend and your friend." I told him I was very happy to hear that. But first I had to make sure that this was a good time for our friends. I texted my friend to see if it was OK for Nate to call him. It was. So I handed the phone to Nate and reminded him what he had to do. He did it perfectly. He first said he was sorry to my friend for not listening. My friend forgave him. Next, Nate asked if he could talk to HIS friend and then apologized for hurting him and even added a "you're my friend and I love you" to the mix.

All was resolved. And two hours after it all began, my sweet boy who was no longer in time out, got to share the orange soda with his sister.