How Do You Know Your Mom Loves You (reprise)

Yes, this is cheating a bit. I am reposting one of my very first posts on this blog. It seemed appropriate given that Valentine’s Day is this weekend. If you have followed us on the Xylem Family Resource fan page on Facebook, you know that we’ve been doing a “14 Days of Love” challenge trying to add to a list of things we love about each person in our family until we have a list of 14 things by Valentine’s Day. So, while thinking about this season, I thought again about this post and decided to share it again to remind myself of these words and encourage and inspire you. By the way, this was written before my sweet Samantha was born. She’s not mentioned in this post, but rest assured, I am just as in love with her! =) Enjoy!

Posted 2/24/09

I just filled out one of those things that get passed around on Facebook. On this one, I had to ask my daughter a variety of questions about me and then write down the answers she gave.

One of the questions Isabella had to answer was “What is something Mom always says to you?” Isabella answered, “That she loves me.” Another question was, “How do you know your Mom loves you? Isabella answered, “Because she keeps telling me.”

I love that she answered these questions this way and without hesitation. It is so important to me that my kids DO know I love them. And I strongly believe that a parent can never tell their child too many times that they love them.

So, Isabella is right. I do tell her all the time. I always make sure it’s the last thing my kids hear from me before I leave or before they go somewhere. I say it before they go to bed. I will randomly say it for no particular reason when we’re driving in the car and there’s a lull in the conversation. I tell them when they’ve done something that makes me smile. I tell them as I kiss away their tears.

“I love you” is spoken when I find myself remembering I love them, like when they sing a really sweet song or turn into complete goof-balls making me laugh. And I especially love saying “I love you” when I got one of my kids all to myself, cuddled on the couch, no reason at all, and I can just whisper it quietly in their ear like it’s our little secret.

But, while I may tell my kids that I love them more than the average parent, I know that most parents tell their kids they love them, too. And I bet if we took a large group of kids and asked them how they know their mom loves them, many of them would say, “because she tells me.”

When I taught third grade, I had a girl in my class who it turned out was being horrifically sexually abused by her dad. Fortunately, the dad was easily convicted and sent to jail. While the rest of us were jumping for joy, my sweet student began grieving. She would stay after school and tell me how much she missed her dad. She would tell me she loved him. And despite all the things this man did to his little girl, my student would tell me how much her dad loved her. Because, even children who are abused believe at some level that their parents love them. Unfortunately, their understanding of a parent’s love for their child is twisted and distorted.

I have even worked with many families who tell their kids they love them maybe once or twice a day at the routine times, possibly more given the circumstances. But when I ask their kids why do your parents love you, they get stuck, or they’ll tell me because they’re supposed to, or because their parents feed them and take care of them.

Knowing this. Seeing this. It motivates me with own my kids.

I want my kids to know that I love them not just because I’m their mom and all moms love their kids. I don’t want my kids to know that I love them just because I tell them. I don’t want my kids to know I love them because I take care of them and buy them things and keep them safe. All of these do show them to some degree that I love them. But I want them to know I love them because they are lovable human beings. That it is them as a unique person that I love.

I love their blue eyes and blond hair and their little belly buttons. I love Nate’s soft high-pitched laugh. I could listen to it all day. I love Isabella’s enthusiasm for knowledge and how excited she gets when she learns something new. I love watching them play together and being loving and caring toward each other. I love their hearts and how they want to share and care for others. I love watching Isabella swing and the look of pure happiness as she goes higher and higher. I love how Nate is so much a boy in so many ways but loves more than anyone to give hugs and kisses and to just cuddle. These are the things I also tell them all the time. The specifics. The “why” behind my love. So there’s never a doubt that I love my kids, and there’s never an assumption that I love them because I have to.

I love Isabella because I love Isabella. I love Nate because I love Nate. And I want to make sure that my kids know that my love for them is more than just a mom loving her kids. And my hope is that if Isabella had to give more than just a quick answer to the question “How do you know your mom loves you?” she would be able to say so much more than “because she keeps telling me.”

Building Self Esteem Through What We Don't Say

There is a lot of research out there about body language and how the majority of what we communicate is through our nonverbals. In fact, one study at UCLA found that up to 93% of what we say is not through words. Our tone, our gestures and our facial expressions play a much larger role in what we communicate than the words that come out of our mouth.

Try it. Watch TV with the volume off and see if you can piece together what's happening in the scene. Interesting, huh?

Several years ago, I saw a segment on Oprah where they had parents give different facial reactions to their children when they picked them up from childcare (I tried to look up the episode to share better details with you but couldn't find it. If you know more about this episode, please share it with me). What they discovered was that children's self-esteem correlated to the types of nonverbals their parents gave them when they first saw them. Parents who barely made eye contact with their child, overlooked the child and focused on talking to the other adult in the room, or simply had a blank face had children who reported a lower self-esteem than those whose parent's face lit up when they saw their child, embraced them in a hug and used body language to show interest in their child. Words did not even have to be spoken. This demonstration is consistant with similar research done regarding parents' nonverbal communicaton with their children.

This knowledge is something that haunts me.

I don't want to send the message to my children that they are unimportant. Or even that they are just less important than other things in my life. I certainly don't want my nonverbal communication to be something that negatively impacts my children's self-esteem!

So, I intentionally try make sure the first and the last facial/body message that my children get from me is that I am happy that they are in my life and that I love them with all my heart. Some days this is more difficult than others. On days when we're running ten minutes late to school because of goofing around, or when the baby is crying and requiring a lot of my attention, or when I just flat-out don't feel good, making my body smile and my eyes light up with excitement and my arms wrap around a little body in a hug seems like moving dead weight. But more important than any of this is that my kids leave for their day with their self-esteem boosted knowing that their mommy loves them not just because those words came out of her mouth. And at the end of the day, they know they are coming home with someone who thinks the world of them and is not picking them up because it's just the next thing on my to-do list.

Many times I have to really think about it. I have to remind myself to show my excitement. I have to tell my eyes to soften. I have to open up my mouth in a big smile and widen my arms in preparation for an embrace. Not because I have to force myself to love my kids. More because I have to step out of my selfish world of I'm exhausted, I'm not in the mood, I just want to get out of here. In these moments I have to remember that I have three adorable children who just want reassurance that yes, even today, I am glad I'm their mommy.

This is not about being fake with my kids. I'm not suggesting that I cover up my stress, frustration, or sickness and give the "every thing's rainbows and roses" June Clever cheese ball hello and good bye. Anyone who knows me and my kids knows I'm pretty candid with them about how I'm feeling. But when it's all said and done. When they have heard how I feel. Can they SEE that despite it all I love them and think they are amazing?

What does 93% of me say to my kids on a day-to-day basis?

What are you saying to your kids?

Obviously, the same rules apply beyond just the Hellos and Good-Byes we give our kids. What other areas are our nonverbal communications just as important?

Talking About Haiti

Isabella and Nate were flipping through channels on the TV last week. Isabella paused for a moment on the news. Something caught her eye. "Oh," she said. "It's just about an earthquake." She went to reach for the remote to change the channel again.

I stopped her.

"Actually you guys," I said, "it's not just an earthquake. It's a very sad and terrible thing that has happened."

There is definitely balance needed when talking to kids about devastation, disasters, violence, hurt, heartache, death. Especially with young children. Things that happen outside their own sphere of experience, particularly events in another country far away, are abstract and difficult to get little minds around, regardless of whether it's good or bad. It's hard for adults to get our minds around.

And yet, I don't want to raise my children completely sheltered from the "bad" of the world despite the part of me that wants my children to believe the world is all about Popsicles, swings, and playgroups. It seems easier to let them believe that the only death in the world is the death of a pet fish and that "starving" is what we say when it's way past when we should have had dinner. Exposing them to the ugly side of life is a lot harder. But I want my kids to be compassionate toward others. I want them to learn that the world isn't all about them. That there are many hurting people in this world and we can play a role in healing some of those wounds. I don't want a child who sees the coverage of the earthquake in Haiti and it's victims to be so used to me changing the channel, just so they won't be upset by what they see, that they don't know to feel sorrow for the suffering of other people. Or worse, a child who doesn't even realize that there are other people in the world suffering while we sit in our warm house playing our Wii and eating chocolate brownies.

And so I told my children about the earthquake. I told them about how poor the country was and how little the people there had in concrete ways they could understand. I told them that the children there didn't have rooms full of toys and that many people there didn't even have televisions. I told them that many homes didn't have sinks and toilets with running water. They already had very little. And then the earthquake came and destroyed almost all of the buildings in the city. The very little they had got lost. Their homes fell. Their work places fell. Many many many people died. And the people there are very very sad and scared.

My kids grew silent processing what this all meant. Then they asked questions, and I let them. I helped them process the information they were hearing to the best of their developmental ability. But I also included hope for them. We talked about how people from all over the world were coming to help them. I told them people from our country were sending food and supplies. I told them our church and many other churches were praying for them and that they could, too.

Just as important, I reassured my children that this happened in a country far away. The earthquake was not in our city. We are safe. Our buildings are stronger. We have more resources. We are fortunate that our situation is very different from the people in Haiti.

All this having been said, we don't keep the television on with the Haiti images constantly rolling in front of our children. They don't need to see hours of disturbing pictures to learn the qualities I desire for them. We limit how much news we watch about it on TV because they are already getting it everywhere anyway. There's news teasers during the shows they watch. The d.j.'s on the radio discuss it. The kids are talking about it at school. I'm not worried that they are clueless to what's going on.

And now my role is to be available to them as I allow them to learn and experience this side of life. My kids have said they felt sad about Haiti. I need to be OK that they are sad. They have felt concerned, wondering if people are still helping them or was it just for one day? I'm thankful they're concerned and that they can be reassured that help is still coming, learning that a situation like this can't be "all better" in one day. Isabella has felt helpless. I've been able to talk to her about ways even she can help by giving some of her money, praying, even loving her own friends and family during this time. My kids are learning something valuable and I am here to teach and guide them through this learning process.

Events like the tragedy in Haiti are awful. But because I chose not to shelter my children from it, my kids are able to develop compassion for those less fortunate than they. They are able to develop empathy toward others who are outside of their world experience. They begin to understand that while the world is a bigger place than they realized, they can still have an impact on it. And they will ultimately be better individuals for it.

CBS News offered a great article that includes a video on some tips for talking to your kids about tragic events such as the one in Haiti if you would like more information on this topic. Click here for a link to that article.

Please share how you are talking to your kids about this and any questions or concerns you have encountered along the way.