Please Stop Talking - A Need for Some Silence

I love that my kids love to talk. They always seem to have so much to say and billions of questions to ask. Working with parents for a living, I know that getting their kids to really talk to them is a challenge to some parents. I must say, that has never been a problem for me. From the time my kids were old enough to start signing words I've always encouraged them to communicate with me. I've listened to their stories and ideas. I've involved them in adult conversations reinforcing with them that they are welcome to contribute to our conversations as long as it relates to what we're talking about. I share my thoughts and ideas with them on a regular basis so that I model for them how to do the same for me.

When I ask them, "What did you do at school today?" I don't want to hear, "Nothing," in return. So, I make of point of telling them as many details as I can about my day in order to model for them the kind of feedback I'd like from them about THEIR day. And it works. My kids tell me a lot. And sometimes I wish I hadn't worked so hard to get my kids to become talkers.

My preschool-age son right now is the worst. Overall, I would not describe Nate as a an extrovert. He likes to spend time by himself. And between him and his sister, I'd say he is the more passive of the two. But stick him in a car with you and the kid will not shut up.

He talks and talks and talks. Half the time I'm not even sure HE knows what he's talking about. What's worse is that you can't really tune him out and let him keep going, because if you don't give any "l'm listening cues" like an occasional "um hmm" or a "that's interesting" he'll call you out on it with a "Mom! MOMMMM!!!" and repeat it over and over louder and louder until you give the appropriate response. (Remind me again why I try to teach good listening and communication skills to my kids, and why those skills that I expect from them they also should expect from me?)

When Nate isn't rambling about some toy he has or his favorite scene in Star Wars, he's bombarding me with a never ending list of questions. "Mom, what's that building?" "What's it for?" "Who works there?" "How do you spell 'candy?'" "What does this spell, 'B-U-R-G-E-R?'" "Are we still in Colorado?" Followed by, " Mom. MOM! MOMMMMMM!"

Then we move into Nate the 4-year-old questioning MY driving. "Mom, the light is green. Why aren't you turning?" "Mom, why did you turn on your blinker?" "Mom, you didn't turn right. This is not how we get home."

Seriously, I want to pull the car over, take him out, and drive away sometimes, and the odds of me feeling this way usually go up after a very long day. I'm tired. I'm hungry. And I could really use just some silence for awhile.

But you know what? That's OK. Because, while I want my kids to feel heard and valued, they also need to respect that sometimes people - ALL people... even moms - need a break from talking. And it's OK to tell people you don't want to talk right now. It's not that I don't love you. It's not that I don't want you to never talk to me again. It's that I just don't have it in me right now to hear you talk anymore. My kids need to also learn to respect other people's feelings and needs, not just expect that people respect theirs.

And so I say, "Nate. I really need you to stop talking to me for a while, Bud. I'm not going to talk to you anymore for the rest of the way home. You are welcome to talk to yourself, but I'm not going to answer any more questions or listen any more to you in the car. I'm just going to listen to the radio." Nate doesn't usually like this and he'll often try to still continue what he was saying or asking. I'll just reply back, "Save it for when we get home, Bud.I'm not talking right now."

And almost always that time of silence is good for all of us.

To comment on: Which is harder for you: To tell your kids to stop talking when you need a break or to get your kids talking in the first place? What makes this hard?