Witnessing and Angry Dad

The other day my son and I had just picked up my daughter from school. As we were beginning our drive home, we pulled up behind a white SUV waiting at the stop sign to turn out of the neighborhood and onto the next major street. It didn't take long to realize that we had been sitting and waiting for a longer-than-usual amount of time. I turned my attention to the car in front of us and immediately saw what the delay was about.

Looking into the car, I saw a boy and a girl in the back seat, appearing from behind to be in maybe third and fifth grade respectively, and the face of a dad, fully turned around toward his kids, full of rage. Wild hand gestures and twisted facial expressions left no doubt that this man was more than just upset with his kids.

And now we, my children and I, and now the car behind me, were all sitting at the stop sign waiting while this father literally screamed relentlessly at his children.

At one point, the father raised his hand and began the motion to strike. Both children immediately shrank away and the father, glancing back at me, paused and retracted his hand.

I gasped.

Nate and Isabella, who had up to this point been catching up with each other on their days and oblivious to the scene in front of us, heard me. Isabella immediately turned her attention to me and asked what was wrong. I told her, "That daddy in front of us is very angry at his kids and almost hit them because he was so mad." Isabella leaned in so she could get a look, and for the first time saw what I was seeing.

"Mom, he's really mad!"
"I know, sweetie. And he's not cooling down."
"I bet those kids are really scared, Mom."
"I would be, too. I feel very sad for those kids."
"Mom, that daddy needs your help."
I chuckled. "Well, Isabella," I said. "I can only help those parents who want it." But my mind was already trying to decide if it was time for me to intervene. Quickly thoughts raced as to what I could do to help defuse the situation. Should I ask the man in the car behind me to come with me and help talk to this dad since he was in such a rage? What would I say that would be non-threatening but could offer a chance to redirect attention toward me and away from the kids? Being in differnent cars seemed to make it more complicated.

I never got a chance to execute a plan because at this point, the dad whipped himself back around and, just to make an extra point to his kids, accelerated quickly into his turn making the tires squeal a bit. I was left just to imagine what would happen next in that family. The inside of my car went quiet. Isabella and Nate didn't speak. So I did.

"You guys, the way that daddy was yelling at his kids is not OK, no matter what those kids did. Sometimes we do things that make others mad..." Here, Isabella jumped at the chance to give examples of things that she does that makes mommy and daddy mad and things that make her friends mad. Nate also chimed in to point out the things Isabella does that make HIM mad, although he offered no examples of what he does.

Instead of completing my thought, I joined the side conversation in order to point out that even I, as a mommy, do things that sometimes make people mad. I sometimes make them mad, or daddy mad, or my friends mad, or even the people I work with. Kids and adults make mistakes and bad choices. But (now contnuing with my original point) when you are mad at someone, it is NEVER OK to get so angry at them that you scream at them or that you hit them.

Isabella thought a moment and replied back, "Mommy, I am so glad you never get that mad at me."

Actually, I do get really mad at my kids sometime. So mad in fact that I want to hit them. And definitely mad enough that I want to scream at them. But I make a choice not to follow through with that feeling. Because I don't ever want my kids to be scared of me. I want them to know that there is NOTHING that they could do that would make me lash out at them in a way that could cause them to lose their trust in me. Because we all make mistakes. And mistakes, while they sometimes can hurt another person, are not the end of the world. And it's more important for me to love a person (and my kids are people) through their mistakes and help them come to a point where something is learned from them than allow our relationship to be damaged because I just want to focus on my anger and make it all about me.

I don't know the whole story of what was going on with those kids in the white SUV and their father. I don't know what kind of day that man had. I don't know the attitude of the kids as they interacted with their dad. And while those kids could not have been with their dad more than a few minutes since they had just gotten out of school, I don't know if there was a major mistake on the kids' part that was just discovered by the parent that was a "last straw" event. But I do know, that whatever the circumstances, that dad was not sending a message of love to his kids even when they fail. He was not teaching his kids that we all make mistakes, and while this is very upsetting, we need to learn from them so it doesn't happen again. He was not teaching his kids that he was a safe place to come to even when you mess up. Even a six and a four-year-old sitting in the car behind him could see that.

Children are no less human than adults. As parents, we need to remember to treat them that way, even when it's hard. And we ned to take advantage of every opportunity (even if it's witnessing an example of someone not behaving appropriately) to show our kids that we love them and that we are safe, whether they are making good choices or bad. If this is something that YOU struggle with, and you're ready to do it differently, check out the Xylem Calendar www.xylemfamily.org/calendar and come to the next Anger Regulation and Problem Solving class or set up a private consult. Do it for you, and especially for your kids.